Once again my life has shifted and in the process I have purged. I have gone through all of my clothing and gotten rid of half of it. I have gone through my art supplies, my tool bag, my kitchen stuff, my games. Literally everything I own has been touched and deemed worthy or not.
This purging extends online as well, since so much of our worlds exist online now. This cleansing resulted in the deletion of my blog, which was how I had been keeping my journal entries lately.
I suppose I should have saved them, the entries. At least with my Google Doc entries I still have them to reflect on. Since I have deleted the old blog, I have no written record of my feelings during that time period. I cannot go back and undo the deletion, so the only thing to do is move forward. I accept that I will not get my writings back and that the only thing to do is to start this new blog.
But in a way that is what I need. To start again, new, clean, and for myself.
I hope that since I am creating it for myself that I will maintain it. It is connected solely to my, and is 100% my own. I hope that I will care for it and love it, at least as much as one can love something digital and wholly intangible.
I guess this first post is as good as any to state how I feel about my recent break up.
I am not an unfeeling person. I feel very deeply about most things, include totally random and retard things. I am extremely contained, and private. I wouldn’t say repressed, but there are very few who will know the full extent to which something affects me. So for those on the outside of that circle of trust I may look cold, distant, uncaring, even though on the inside I am a raging swarm of emotions.
I feel deeply for my situation, and for everyone involved. I know it is not easy on anyone, and I feel as if I am always the cause of the discord.
Right now I am conflicted, and this confliction negates the happy and sad and leaves me feeling neutral.
On one hand I feel as if I walked away from the healthiest relationship I have ever experienced. My partner was kind, and listened to me, and I feel we did have a very strong and healthy connection in the beginning. I mourn for what we might have had, because I feel as if there is no future. I feel because of the choice I have made that any possible chance of reconnecting is gone.
There is a sense of loss, of death. A beautiful plant I was trying to grow, withered and dried, never to flourish again.
On the other hand I am content. I am in my own space. I have my things around me. I have my bedding and clothing unpacked. I have my computer set up. I have my own bathroom and closet. The kitchen is almost set up how I would like for it to be. The dishes are always done, the counters always cleaned.
I come home to silence. Not just physical sound, but emotional silence. It is calming to walk through the door and to know that there is nothing waiting for me aside from Scarlet and Seth.
Nothing social, no obligations aside from the ones I have given myself. My own to-do list with only the things I place on it.
I don’t have to think when I walk through the door. I don’t have to worry. I relax. I have no constraints on my time so I am able to go to sleep, and go to the gym, and work on my projects. I am able to cook and clean and not feel guilty for doing it.
I feel that all of the things I have just written are exceedingly selfish, but I have also come to the conclusion that I am not yet done with my journey, and that right now, maybe the best thing for me is to be selfish.
I need to finish what I started, and I need the time and space to complete it.
The year I lived alone, the year before Jarrett was when my journey started; when I ended the relationship with Warren #2. I started finding myself. I started becoming emotionally, spiritually, and physically stronger. I started focusing on myself, and what I needed to heal, what I needed to feel fulfilled.
I feel like I have strayed from that path. Jarrett was enticing I think because he was exciting. He got me outside of my closed off bubble and allowed me to have fun. It was wild, aggressive, and I was blinded by the fierceness of it. Something that strong and intense could not last, and I should have seen that. The high I was on was exactly that, a high, and I was bound to come crashing back down to reality eventually. I wish it had happened before I had moved in with him.
After the fall out with Jarrett I moved in with Randy. I will always think of him as Sir. I don’t think I will ever be able to change that. He validated a part of myself that has been looked down on and shunned for so long that, again, I feel I was blinded. He spoke to me, and listened to me. He was kind and I think if we had met at a different point in life that maybe we would have survived.
But ultimately I couldn’t be what he wanted, and still be happy, and I am too far into my journey to knowingly do things that will be harmful to me. I know I am not healed from Jarrett. I know I am not fully healed from Warren still.
I know I have extremely high standards when it comes to cleanliness and accountability. I know that my priorities are not in a place where I can give a relationship the attention, time, and effort that it would need. A relationship right now would not fulfill me, and that is not fair to the other person.
I am still finding me. I am the Earth Dragon. When I first received that title it was little earth dragon. I feel as if I am growing. I am still learning and processing the events that have happened. I would like for one day the ‘little’ in the title to turn into a term of endearment, because I would have grown fully into myself.
I will always be Mother Earth’s little earth dragon. Just as I will always be my mom’s baby girl. I want to make the people in my life proud of me. I want them to have faith in my choices, and to not worry about me doing silly things. I want the people I love to know that I’m ok, and that I am able to care for myself, and that I am happy.
It was hard to walk away. Part of me wanted to stay, to ignore how I felt. I feel guilty for hurting someone that I care about. I will miss reading to each other, and our random conversations. I will miss the games, the smiles, the laughs. There was good, and even though I lose sight of it sometimes, I know it was there.
If only the timing had been different. Maybe there would have been a different ending.
I have decided to continue forward on my journey though, and there is no looking back.
This afternoon I had my head shaved, buzzed completely like a military cut. This is to mark the day that I am returning to my roots. I am returning to my original self, the very beginning, most basic form of myself.
My priorities, my goals, my needs, my wants. I am going to iron them out again, realign my mind and heart. I am going to reconnect with myself so that I may move forward and grow into the person I am destined to be.
I was on this path before, but I feel it was only halfheartedly. I am fully committed now, and my statement is bold and for everyone to see. I am myself. I need nothing to define me but me. Not my clothing, nor my hair, nor anyone else. Me. That is who I am, and that is who I will be.
And I am on my way to figuring me out.
Today is the start. Today is the beginning. It will be long, it will be hard. And it will be so absolutely worth it. I am amazing, and I will prove it to myself, one day at a time.