Dragon’s Horde 0004: Gemstone Dragons – November



Title: Gem Stone Dragons – November
Designed by: Jennifer Aikmen-Smith
Stitched by: Jennifer Conley
Completed: October 30th, 2014


Post 0033: Attack on Titan


I started watching Attack on Titan and holy cow is all I have to say about it. Words cannot begin to describe what my eyes watched. Super bloody and dark, but soooooooo good. And the art style is amazing. I have 3 more episodes to watch, and I’m scared to watch them because there is no way for it to get anywhere close to answering all of the questions going on. Super, amazingly good though.

It’s one of the best shows that I’ve watching in a very long time.

My book bag came yesterday! It’s gorgeous and I love it. I’m going to be packing it up as soon as I’m done writing this. Just I really don’t have much motivation to write to be honest. Just really doing it while I have time.

I messaged Clavan a few minutes ago asking about his offer to kick start my cross stitch pattern making endeavor. That was on my to-do list, and I totally didn’t want to do it since I hate asking for money or things. But I really want to start working on my own patterns and seeing if I can pull in some revenue from it on Etsy. So I messaged him.

He’s going to be bringing me the money I need to purchase the software to PCC critiques today. It was actually a lot more painless than I thought it would be. And it’s a pretty big task (in my head it’s a big task, don’t judge me >.< ) off of my list finally. Since that’s been there since the art show this past summer.

I stayed up all day yesterday instead of sleeping so I could watch Attack on Titan. So I was up for a while, and though I was crazy tired, it was hard to fall asleep. Just sort of got stuck in ‘awake’ mode.

I was able to finish off the November Gemstone dragon, which I will post after I’m done with this. I also got most of the way through The Dragon of Earth. So with luck that will be completed later today.

I have graduation and PCC critiques today, along with SAL lab at 5pm. I’ll be with Tony again, so I’m saving my school work for that lab. That way I’m not cross-stitching in front of him. I don’t think he would mind, but I would feel better if I was doing something on the computer instead.

John and I have plans to play WoW on Sunday, and my dad wants to Face Time on Tuesday after I get off of work. Not really sure how I feel about that. I haven’t seen him in forever. I’m getting mild anxiety over just thinking about it so I can only imagine what I’m going to be like when it actually happens. Maybe I can keep the conversation on the sort side by saying that I’ve been up since 3am. It really depends on how the conversation goes. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

I can’t really think of anything else that has happened. I worked through the first assignment for SAL since it changed. I found a few typos with the assignment that Tony is going to change, and he is going to check over my work to make sure that I’m getting the correct results.

He wants me to work through the third project as well, since that one also changed, and to see if there are any issues and to get comfy with the material. I had planned to do it anyway, so I don’t mind that he asked.

I need to message Jarrett to figure out when to meet up with him for his contribution to the bills. I need to figure out my battle plan for the day as well, though I’m still pretty tired from not sleeping much the previous night.

Stephen messaged me with an issue with some of his code. I’m pretty sure I found where the problem was. He wasn’t storing some information properly, and in the version of the working code he sent me, my solution was being used. So that made me happy. I’m glad we were able to get it working. I like knowing that even though I might be at Full Sail teaching, that I’m still sharp enough to keep up with my industry buddies and to help them out when they need it.

I have four hours before I have to be at school. I need to cook, eat, workout (maybe), shower, and commute. So That would be roughly two of my four. When looking at things realistically like that it sort of sucks.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to deal with people today. I really would prefer not to. Just chill in my room, stitch, work on homework, maybe finish off the last three episodes of Attack on Titan then start the fourth book in the Percy Jackson series. Maybe nap. That would be nice.

I think I’ll save working out for after graduation. That will give me some recharge time between critiques / graduation and when I have to be at work for lab. I think that will work best. So I get about another hour back right now, and get some space later.

Right now I’m going to go so I can finish my coffee and play with my new book bag. Yay! : 3

Post 0032: Why, AM labs? Why?


I can see it already. This month is going to be rough.

Yesterday was good. Woke up, did a bunch of chores including getting a heat lamp for Seth, mailing some packages like my dad’s birthday gift, even got him a birthday card to go with it. Picked up more coffee creamer while I was at it. Had Subway for lunch, went to the gym, sat at the park afterwards to brainstorm my day and enjoy the sun for a little while, cooked some chicken, tuna, and maple salmon, played WoW for a little bit, finished listening to Quiet, downloaded Attack on Titan, stitched about half the boarder for November Dragon, watched the first two episodes of Attack on Titan, figured out who I need graduation cards for on Friday, figured out when and where to hold PCC critiques, set aside time to go to the Panel Review for the students in PAS, and started work on the first SAL assignment so I understand what students are doing with the project. It changed this month so I want to stay current. I talked to Jarrett and should be getting roughly $20 to $30 from him. Not much but enough for food. I replied to my dad’s email as well. He send me his number, so I sent mine in return.

Of course none of it really happened in that order, but all of it eventually happened at some point during the day.

Since it is getting colder Seth, Snake Bro as Sammi called him, has been having a rough time staying warm. Since the connecting piece on my old heat lamp is plastic, and the bulb I use is such a high wattage the lamps have a tendency to break if you move them around. So of course with all of the moving that I have been doing, the lamp itself busted.

I haven’t replaced it since it has been so warm, and Joshua never ran the AC. Well since I keep my window open for circulation, and it is getting colder outside, Snake Bro needs some love. He’s been trying to get out of the cage so he can get somewhere warmer. So I’m glad that I got that taken care of. He’s a lot happier now, all curled up under his lamp. He’s my baby. ❤

The day was pretty relaxing and restorative.

The SAL lab was one of the ones that I’m comfortable with. Students were basically making lights and moving them around in the scene to recreate reference images they were given. Easy stuff and I was able to help out with all of the questions except for one, which was an easy answer and I would have known had I done the project. Since that’s on the do-to list, I’m not all that upset about it. I could have run the lab on my own, and that makes me feel good. I’m comfortable with the content.

The only downside was that Frank was sick so I was in lab with Tony. It’s always a little awkward for me to work with a course director. I feel like I am being evaluated, because in truth, I am. I didn’t let it bother me too much though. Just did my thing, and when I had a question about something myself, I asked.

I ran out of my daily vitamins at home, but since my mom had gotten me two giant bottles while they were on sale a while back I had a bottle at home, and one at work for when I forget to have pill with breakfast. I snagged the work bottle while we were on break so I could refill the bottle I have in the kitchen instead of going out and spending more money.

I’m proud that I actually remembered to pick that up. Since it is such a minor task, it’s something that I would normally end up forgetting. But thanks to my OmniFocus, I remembered, and was able to actually do it, rather than getting home and feeling down for not being able to get something done.

I helped one of the guys in finals with his rig. He was having issues with his hand setup, but I think he’ll be ok now. I guess there’s only four setup students in finals at the moment, so critiques on Friday should move pretty fast.

I got a little frayed towards the end of lab since there were a lot of questions and I was trying to do actual work. My brain doesn’t like switching tasks, especially when I really want to complete what I’m working on. So by the end of it I was ready to go home and not be interrupted.

Oh! Before I get into that, I was able to see Sam yesterday, and to give her the cross-stitch gift finally. She super loved it and I’m so happy I was able to make her day. Totally made the whole adventure with the frame worth it.

I even told her the story behind getting it framed and she said that made her love it even more since it had a story to go with it. Warm fuzzy feelings. : 3

While I was playing WoW I got to hang out with Sammi and Josh for a little bit, which was totally awesome. They are doing fantastic in Texas, and it seems like we’ll be able to spend some time together every once in a while leveling our characters. I don’t know how often I will get to play. I’ll most likely end up playing more than I should with all of the work and school I have going on, but lately I haven’t been feeling guilty about taking time way from those things to do things that make me relax.

When I have days of low productivity I just think back to the all of the days where I ran around non-stop and got so much taken care of. At the same time I think of all of the other countries that don’t have things like video games and Internet; places that don’t have days off, and where survival is the main focus of everyday.

It makes me think of how trivial my issues really are, and how I should be thankful that I only have the problems I do. Things could be so much worse, so much harder. I really do have a good life, even with all of the debt that I have given myself. I have amazing friends and family, and I a fantastic career that I love going to most days, and I’m in a pretty stable environment once again. I have a car that works. I have food to eat and a place to sleep. I have cloths to wear. And I have time to myself. I really have nothing to complain about.

Alex messaged me shortly before I left work asking if I wanted to meet up to get the lamp I had bought from him. So now I have a decent light in my room. It makes such a difference. It makes it feel homier, warmer.

He said that he still has a bunch of furniture that he wants to get ride of, including a super comfy couch and a coffee table. He wants $200 for it. I want to talk to Joshua about splitting the cost. Right now we literally have nothing in the living except for his bike, and a bunch of stuff I want to take to Goodwill.

I think I would like having furniture again. If that doesn’t work I might see if Alex would be ok with me making payments to him. $50 every paycheck, so it would take two months to pay for it in full. That would be my play money. Or if Joshua is interested in helping, I could give him $100 when we part ways to keep the furniture.

It is something worth looking into. Alex actually lives in the same apartment complex as me. We didn’t find that out until last night while we were talking. So getting the furniture to the apartment would actually be really easy.

Attack on Titan is crazy. Just incase anyone was wonder. Like totally messed up, tons of plot holes but they sort of fall into the background with how off the wall totally f’ed up the storyline is crazy.

I’m not sure if I’m going to like it or not. The art style is very interesting to be sure, and it’s dark enough on the emotional level that even if I don’t end up loving the storyline I’ll most likely watch all of it anyway. But it’s pretty bloody. There was several times where I was cringing. Sort of like Game of Thrones but not as bad.

With the last season of GoT I was literally yelling at my computer, “What the F*$#%!!!!” It was that bad. I’m glad I was alone when I was watching, otherwise I’m sure Joshua would have wondered if I was dying or something.

I totally didn’t want to stop watching Attack on Titan, but I had to be awake at 3am for lab. I don’t do well with just waking up, showering, and heading to work. I need time to adjust to my day, to mentally prepare for how it is going to go, to eat breakfast and be alone for a while.

Then I can jump into the thick of it and not have a melt down halfway through. At least normally.

So instead of waking up at 4 / 4:30, I’m up at 3 so I can shower, cook, eat, figure out how to conquer the world, then drive to school where I can corrupt brains.

But that meant that I’ve only gotten about three hours of sleep. So I know today is going to be on the rough side. And I can see it being this way for the rest of the month. I have to help fill in Friday, because Frank is going to be out again, but I am hoping the rest of the month Tony takes my place. He offered to do that at least so I wouldn’t have the backwards schedule that I do right now.

If that happens, it will help out a lot. That will give me so much more time for my class and the video training that I want to do, and it will let me have a consistent sleep schedule so I’m not constantly flipping back and forth.

It will help me avoid issues like today where I have a more demanding shift after only a few hours of sleep. If it were reverse, where I had my CRI1 labs and then the SAL lab with only three hours of sleep, it wouldn’t be so bad. I could suffer for four hours in a class that I’m not all that active in.

Being tired for my shifts though is going to suck. I feel like the students are going to get shortchanged since I’m not at my best for them. Or rather, this is the best I can do under the circumstances. It’s just that the circumstances suck.

If I can change them, then I feel like it is my responsibility to my class that I do. My class should be my priority. It is where I have the most expertise, and where I am needed the most.

Enough of that though. It’s getting ‘late’. Almost 4:40, so I should get going so I can be the class on time and get the day started. I should also finish eating… that whole multitasking thing… yeah.

I’m off and away for now.

Post 0031: Like a Bawce!


So much has happened in the past three days. x.x

First, and most random… I have killed a pen. I have written so much that I used all the ink in a pen. I think this is the first time this has actually happened to me. Normally I cycle through pens and never actually kill them off. I also tend to use pencils more when I am writing. So this is a first for me, and I feel accomplished. Like I’m officially an adult now or something.

So that happened Monday.

Monday also started my new class, Graphic Principles 1, or GR1 for short. I keep thinking of it as Grrrrrrrrrrrr, so I smile every time I think about my class. This month doesn’t have as many actives as last month, so visually it’s not as bombarding when I log in online. My brain thanks my instructor whenever I have to log into my class.

This month we’re focusing on Adobe Illustrator. So basically making pretty pictures and posters. I’ve already done the four training assignments and have looked at the main project assignment for this week.

We will be creating a stylized self-portrait. I’m actually sort of looking forward to it. I think I’m going to use the picture of me leaning against the fence that was taken during Thanksgiving last year. I like the colors in it, even though I no longer have purple hair. Sad day.

So yeah, we’re only three days into the week and I’m already pretty much done with the assignments. Maybe another four hours or so. I want to watch a bunch of Lynda.com training for Illustrator, that way the coming weeks will be even easier because I will already be familiar with the tools being covered.

I talked to mom today about Scarlet and Cleo. We haven’t talked in almost two weeks. Mostly because I have been avoiding her a little bit. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to afford paying the vet bill. If I went to Joey’s wedding I wouldn’t be able to. So I have made the decision that I am not going to go to the wedding.

I will pay for the vet bill instead, and take Joey and Katie out to dinner or lunch while I am at home over Christmas break. I am still going to send him a wedding gift. That’s going to be the next project I stitch after finishing the November Dragon, Dragon of Earth, and possibly the September Dragon.

September might have to wait depending on how long it takes me to get through the other two. Joey gets married on the 22nd so I still have some time.

Anyway, I talked to mom for a while and got her filled in on everything that has been going on with me. And she caught me up on her end.

I started playing WoW on Sunday. John wanted me to help get him through a quest since his Internet is pretty laggy, which meant I had to download the game, which meant I only had to pay $15 to activate my account… which meant that I now have a new level 22 undead mage on Bleeding Hollow so I can play with John and Nathan.

On a more productive note, I actually got through all of my weekly chores. : D Go me.

I emailed my dad today to wish him happy birthday, and to make sure I have the right address for him. I know his gift isn’t going to be there on time, but this is the most effort I have put into our relationship in a while, so I hope it counts for something. At least he knows that I was thinking about him.

I messaged Jarrett earlier today about the money for the accounts. He made a mention the other week about getting paid by Wing House today, so I wanted to see if he would have anything to contribute. He said he would figure out his expenses and let me know. He has to pay rent first, which I get.

I totally ordered the book bag I was looking at. I was approved for an extension on the power bill, so I bought the book bag while it was on sale, and even got free shipping on it. It should be here Thursday. Ten bucks less than what I was expecting to spend on a book bag. I hope I like it as much as I think I will.

I returned Sammi’s Brighthouse equipment today. The associate I was talking to said there was a missing box, but there wasn’t anything at the apartment when I walked through the rooms. I wanted to make sure that nothing was left behind. Everything was in a corner in the living room, though, so I thought I had gotten everything.

Maybe Sir has it by accident or something. If it gets found I’ll return it.

I went running Sunday on the Econ trail, the one that I used to run while I lived with Clavan and Seth. It was nice being back there. I didn’t do nearly as well as in the past, but I still did my 1 minute intervals instead of backing it down, so I’m happy. It was another super nice day and I was glad to get the sun.

Sir did message me, but it was only to inquire about the phone bill. He doesn’t mind that I am still on the account because I don’t really use the data, and I pay on time. He gave me the address where I could mail the money to, so I don’t have to physically hand it to him, which makes me feel good. It was civil, short, and to the point, so I’m happy with how it went. He hasn’t messaged me since, which I’m ok with.

I had dinner with Daniel, Luis, Marly, and Russell Sunday night after I had finished my homework. We went to Royal Thia so I was able to get green curry and a Thai tea. It was such a wonderful dinner, the food, the company, the conversation. All of it. It was great and I’m so glad that I went.

I made sugar cookies Monday. There have been three containers of frosting sitting in the fridge that are only about a quarter full. I don’t like things that don’t get used. Since I didn’t feel it would be right to throw them away, there’s not thing wrong with them, I decided to use them instead. So yeah, super soft, awesomely fantastic home made sugar cookies! I left about a dozen at the apartment for Joshua and myself and took the rest to work and left them in the break room. I put a note next to the container saying, “Free Sugar Cookies from Jen”. I hope they are gone by tomorrow.

I didn’t go into work today, and I regret nothing. I didn’t have labs, and it is one of the few days that I will get to fully enjoy. So I did laundry, put my cloths away, made my bed, vacuumed my room and the living room, processed all of my in boxes, did a bunch of running around and chatting, even took a two hour nap. On top of doing my weekly and a daily post.

I even called and made the appointment to have the car looked at. I totally didn’t want to do that because I didn’t know who to talk to, or what to really say. The phone sucks and I would have rather been able to email someone, or speak to someone directly But yeah, totally called and got that taken care of. Go me.

I finished the 3D Blitz movie today while I was doing laundry, so that is posted to my Dropbox and waiting approval. And I have a firm grasp on my school assignments.

I haven’t worked out and most likely won’t. I’m content with what I have done so far.

I’m kicking the idea of playing WoW for a few hours before logging off to cross-stitch and finish the last hour of my book.

Overall I have gotten a lot more done today than I thought I would. I think I can safely take the next four hours as ‘me’ time and not feel bad about it. I took care of business like a bawce. /flex

Now it’s relax time. : )

Post 0030 – Weekly Recap: Holy Cow What a Week


Since this is a bit late I’m going to recap the past week, then do a separate post for today, or at least try to. I have a hard time not running everything together. So I’ll try to focus, but no promises.

So last week was insane, and these weekly recaps oce again prove how my sense of time is fubared. Going back and rereading them makes me go “Seriously, all of that was in this –one- week? It seems like that happened forever ago!”

Jarrett paid me back. I got paid on Friday. I had an adventure trying to get my cross stitchings framed. The thread John bought me came in. I finished another class for my degree. I contemplated some issues with my dad and Sir. I took care of the apartment for Sammi. I conquered a whole bunch of headaches apparently. I was triumphant over the bed bugs taking refuge in my book bag. I bought a new armband for when I go running. I upped my runtime intervals back to 1 minute. I did most, but not all of my weekly chores. I got the money for the accounts from John, and Jarrett is supposed to keep me posted on his half.

I got a bunch of stuff printed out, and even started working on the 3D Blitz video which I have been procrastinating on for no real reason. I got all of the grading completed and recommended changes to the rubric to help with the grading process. I’m almost done with another book, and I advanced in my programming endeavors by one chapter.

I stuck to my meal plan pretty well, and I am drinking way more water than what I was. I’m also back to pretty much drinking pure water, and nothing else. No crystal light, no tea. Just water and my coffee in the morning. Sometimes a glass of milk. So I feel like my diet is easing back into its normal routine. Just in time to get messed up for Christmas. XD

Overall, I am happy to report that after reviewing my posts that I will once again chalk this past week up to being a pretty awesome week. Minor hiccups here and there, which seemed like mountains at the time. But really, I don’t have any issues rolling over into this coming week; aside from money, which I have come to accept. It feels like I’m starting out fresh and on the right foot.

I have three days worth of catching up to do though, so I’m off to start a post on that. That one is going to be a novel I’m sure.

Post 0029: Mmmm… Sleep


So I have to admit that I like waking up pretty early if only for the fact that everyone else is asleep. There is a calmness to the later / earlier hours of a day that can’t be recreated or obtained during waking hours.

Yesterday was pretty busy, but in a good way. I got my dad’s cross-stitch taken care of. I had to open the art room since there wasn’t a class going on yesterday, most likely because it’s the end of the month and classes are over.

I cut the mounting board for the cross-stitch, got it stretched over the board and in the frame. It looks gorgeous. I like it so much better than I did at first. The stitched boarder and the frame really bring out the dragon. I’m happy with it.

I will post a picture of the framed piece at some point today.

I got the papers printed out that I needed to.

I even got my schedule figured out for next month. It sucks. I have 5am – 1pm labs Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Which I think I could deal with those. I hate the early labs, but I’ve been waking up at 1am anyway, so maybe they won’t be so bad.

What makes the schedule suck is that Shading and Lighting is 5pm to 9am Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. So I have a donut in-between my labs. It’s only a four hour lab, but it’s during the time that I aught to be sleeping. It’s going to leave me tired.

I’m going to see how I fair with it. I might send an email to Tony to let him know that I might not be able to swing the schedule. If it interferes with my ability to work out, sleep, and cook due to being constantly drained then I’ll have to figure something out.

There’s also my new class to consider. I really should check into that later today.

I have my final assignment for Art History to complete. But I have the day to myself so I feel like I will be fine.

The SAL lab was quiet since it was their final practical. I had started stitching the boarder around the November dragon before I had actually figured out how I wanted it to look, so I spent part of the lab undoing that stitching, since it was different than what I needed it to be. I also poked around on Pintrest and figured out my meal plans for the coming week. Things are going to be crazy with my schedule.

Daniel messaged me. He’s back from his interview in Vancouver. We are supposed to hang out today and do lunch / dinner with a handful of other people. I’m actually relieved that more people will be there. I was worried about it being awkward with just the two of us. I didn’t think it was meant as a ‘date’ type situation, which is why I agreed to it originally. Daniel is a super cool dude, and he will be leaving soon, so I wanted to be able to spend time with him while I could. But with other people there it feels safer.

I’m just glad he mentioned others being there instead of letting it be a surprise. Now I am prepared for what I’m getting myself into.

After work I ran home to pick up the cross-stitch for Sam, the frame I needed to return, and an envelope. I also ate while I had the chance. Then I headed to the bank to deposit the cash that Mr. D. gave me for his half of the expenses.

Part of me wants to use that money to get the book bag. The bill is due on the 4th and I don’t get paid until the 7th. I might try to see if I can get an extension on the bill. If I can then I will do that, if not then I will just have to wait until the 7th.

If I do get the extension and there is a late charge I will pay it. I used the messenger bag yesterday and I don’t like it. I mean, it works, but it is so insecure and unorganized. It will work until I can replace it, which I hope is soon.

After the bank I went to Sammi’s apartment and picked up the cable equipment. Super easy and painless and no one was there. I locked up the apartment and dropped off the keys at the office, so two huge things done. The only thing left is to drop off the equipment, which I can do Monday when the center is open.

I stopped at Walmart before going home to see if there was a nice 5×5 picture frame, or something I could use for Sam’s cross-stitch. Of course they had nothing. I looked at photo albums, and none of those had a cover the right size. I looked in the arts and crafts section to see if I could make my own frame, and again, nothing. It’s like 5×5 is an unheard of dimension. It’s a square… come on… no one takes or prints square pictures?

Defeated for the moment I got back in the car and headed to Jo Ann’s. At the very least I wanted to return the picture frame while I was out and running around. Get it all over with sort of thing.

There was a huge line at the checkout, like always, so I had to wait a while to return the frame. Once I had that taken care of I went to see if maybe I had overlooked something that would work. I didn’t see anything. They had plan wooden frames that you could decorate yourself. That seemed like a viable option, but they didn’t have the size I needed, even though the display image clearly had a square frame. Bastards.

I didn’t really see the type of material I would want to use to build my own frame, so I started just wandering around the store. I found another display of picture frames and they had a nice, black, 5×5, with a deeper back then the silver one I had bought. It was like it was waiting for me.

I haven’t tried it out yet. But I’m fairly certain it will work. That’s going to be the first thing I do after finishing my coffee, which I’m sure is cold by now.

So with all of that taken care of I came back home.

I was pretty hungry by then, but I really didn’t want to heat anything up in the microwave. I wanted a warm, fresh cooked meal. I didn’t have anything defrosted though, so I was sort of stumped on what to make.

I ended up boiling some pasta, sautéing zucchini, squash, and onion with garlic, basil and red pepper flakes, and mixing in some pasta sauce that I have been meaning to finish off. I topped it off with Parmesan cheese. I would have rather had mozzarella, but I wasn’t going to go back out for it.

It was pretty tasty. So I have three more impromptu meals. Huzzah.

After that I really didn’t have much drive to do anything. I didn’t want to watch or listen to anything. Too much brain power required for processing information. I didn’t even want to stitch. I was just tired, mentally and physically. So I went to sleep. I’m not even sure what time it was.

I woke up a couple times during the night and was like “nope,” and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I thought about doing it again this morning when I woke up at 8, but I got up instead.

I’ve already unloaded the dishwasher and took care of my dishes from last night. So I already feel like a boss, mostly because I’m still so tired and low on the energy scale. I think that has to do with how busy I was Friday and Saturday from all the running around.

Maybe a quiet day of homework where I stay inside and don’t interact with anyone is exactly what I need. I’m willing to give it a try.

I need to do the cooking, at least a fair amount of it, so that’s going to be what I do on my breaks from homework, if I take any. I have to do an analysis on a piece of artwork, so since it is mostly typing and not really researching I’m thinking I can bang it out in a few hours.

I’ll have to look more in-depth at the assignment PDF, but I’m thinking it will be alright.

One thing that has been on my mind is a text message Sammi sent me of a conversation between her and Sir. I guess he wants to be with me still, and has been thinking about asking me on a date.

I have mixed emotions about that. At first I didn’t know what to feel, other than ‘Nope’. Like, instant, knee jerk reaction was to put the phone down because just reading that made it seem like he could talk to me, or touch me; in some way like he was in my physical presence and that was a bad thing.

I knew that I needed to meditate on those emotions when I felt them, there had to be a reason for me reacting so strongly. And the fact that even though my overall impression was negative, there was still part of me that warmed.

The warmth I feel has to do with a sense of validation. I wasn’t just a notch in his belt. I made an impression. Even if it is after the fact that I have left, he sees that I had value, and I meant something to him.

The realistic side of me wonders if this is more of a need for him to have companionship. Maybe his other partners do not fill the same needs that I did, and that is why he wants to reach out to me, in which case it is still dependency rather than love that is pushing him to be with me.

I feel like not enough time has passed for him to have changed. He still doesn’t have a car, he still most likely hates his job and has done nothing to change it. His mother is most likely still sick, and so he has that to contend with. He still has all of the issues that he is avoiding rather than addressing.

He needs to fix himself first, much like I am trying to do. How can you have a stable, healthy relationship, when you yourself are not healthy or stable?

And the more I think about it, the more I do not want a poly relationship. Not right from the beginning. Poly I feel is something you build into. And it’s not “We’re poly so we’re going to jump straight to sex because that’s what poly is.”

No. It’s a lot of time and effort. A poly relationship is harder than just a regular relationship, with more emotional processing. And you don’t have three other partners. You can’t have a super deep, connected relationship with 4 people after only three months. Relationships don’t work that way.

They take time and effort. Lots of effort. And compromise. Which I don’t feel like he did very often. I feel like I gave up a lot to show that I wanted to make the relationship work, and I feel that was part of the problem. If I had stood my ground on the issues that were important to me, maybe we wouldn’t have ended the way we did.

I think if I were to have a relationship again, I would want it to be a one-on-one relationship for a while. And I don’t think he would do that. I know Lexi wanted that, and made compromises with Sir. She would let him be with other people but she wanted to be the only person he kissed, but he didn’t honor that. He told me about that rule, and still broke it, and was unashamed about it.

I don’t have faith that he would do things that he didn’t want to. He’s very much into self-gratification. If he wants it he will do it, or have it, regardless of consequences. Like going out to eat rather than buying his son a birthday present.

His priorities are so vastly different from mine that I don’t feel like we could have a functional relationship together. I feel that it would constantly me be reigning him in, reminding him to be responsible and to think of what needs to be done first, that play time has to wait until the chores are done.

I feel like I would be a parent.

That is what I learned by living with him for three months. There was one time he made a comment about if I put half as much effort into cleaning the room as I put into cleaning the kitchen that we wouldn’t have a bedbug problem.

I was so furious with that comment. Yeah, I could put more effort into the room than what I was, but I was the only one putting in –any- effort into anything. He came home and watched TV or hung out with other people. He never did anything in the kitchen, or the room. If he had put in a quarter of the effort I was into anything I would have been happy. But he never seemed to care about anything. He wanted things to change, and talked about how they would, but never showed or did anything to make me believe his words.

If anything he did the opposite. You have to walk the walk if you’re going to talk the talk, otherwise it’s just hollow words. And that’s what I feel like anything with him would be. Just pretty words, dreams. And the difference between dreams and reality is hard work, and that’s something he doesn’t want to do. So for him they will stay dreams.

I also feel like if we met in person that he would expect things to be as they were. He would expect me to be submissive to him, which he has lost the right to have. I went to him several times expressing that I needed something from him, and he didn’t want to compromise on it. It was all or nothing.

Move in with him or end the relationship. No, I can’t cut my hair even though it is a spiritual action for me.

I never asked him to buy me objects, I never nagged for him to do chores or his share. Every time he asked for money or to go out, we did, and I paid. If he needed to go somewhere I drove. I even took his friends home, driving the 40 minutes there and back by myself most times. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the laundry by myself for three months, so he never had to worry about having clean cloths. But I’m not allowed to cut my hair. Something that will grow back, and would symbolically mean something to me, for us. That’s a hard limit.

I feel like because I admitted to be a submissive personality that he expected me to give in to his will, because pleasing my dominant partner is part of my nature. And to an extent it is. But once it begins interfering with my emotional and spiritual wellbeing, it takes a back seat.

My partner is supposed to lift me up, and elevate me to be a better person. Not drag me down, confine me, and restrict my self-expression. They are supposed to be equally as strong and independent and stable as myself, if not more so.

I should believe their words, and have faith that they have my best intention in mind. That they will put my needs before their own, because that is what I do for them. There is a level of equality in any type of relationship, vanilla, d/s, s/m, poly. It doesn’t matter. There is an understanding and a base level of respect, and I feel like it wasn’t there between Sir and I.

If I say something is a legitimate need, there should at least be a discussion, not flat out refusal, especially since I bend on so many things to begin with. Why is he the only one allowed to have hard lines and limits, but I am not? That is not equal, fair, or healthy.

When we broke up he said that I had changed. That I was not the original Freya he had met and that he was saddened by that, and had to get to know the ‘new me’. That hurt. I didn’t change. I have always been myself.

Because of that comment I feel like he never really knew me, or saw the real me. I feel like he was looking at this fantasy version of what he wanted me to be, what I could be.

I feel like he will still be looking at me as if I am a different person. Some altered, Photoshopped fantasy submissive. He won’t see me. He will see some idealized version of what he wants me to be. What he hopes I can become.

That’s conditional love, and that’s not what I want. I want unconditional. I want to be accepted for who I am, flaws and all. Not for the vision of perfection he thinks he can morph me into.

I also feel like he would want, maybe even expect, sex. Which is so far from my mind right now that I feel like I should be wearing thick, long pants, a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie with the hood pulled up, socks, shoes, and a couple pairs of gloves.

I don’t want to be touched, by anyone.

I feel so put off by the thought of being intimate right now. I was open for him, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and this was how it ended. Hurt feelings and ultimatums. I don’t feel warm and open. I feel hurt and cold.

I don’t feel like I was asking for so much. I feel like I was asking for reasonable things, and that it was blown out of proportion. I wanted to be understood and to have the reassurance that it was ok to be me, and I didn’t get that, so I don’t want to give any more of myself.

I don’t want that level of connection with someone who doesn’t accept me for me. And knowing that he wants that connection, even if he doesn’t ask for it, will make me feel so incredibly awkward, because that submissive part of my brain that wants to make everyone happy would want to give in.

There would be so much inner conflict for me. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth the stress and hurt. At least not right now. I tried for days to make him understand where I was coming from, and he never wanted to see it from my point of view. Never wanted to see the bigger, long-term picture. All he cared about was the instant gratification of the present moment.

Our moment has past, and I do not think there will be another. Not until we both heal, and work through several of our issues. And there is no way that could have happened in a month. I know, at least for me, that I am nowhere close to where I want to be before entertaining the idea of another relationship.

I seriously, whole-heartedly hope that he doesn’t message me.

For now I’m not going to worry about it. Worrying is a misuse of the imagination, and I have better things to put my time and energy into.

I feel better having written through most of those emotions. I understand what I was feeling better. It’s more clear and solid.

I guess it’s time to get back to enjoying my relaxing day. People are waking up so the solitude is past. Time to join the rest of the world.