Post 0011: Cleansed

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So a lot has gone on in a short amount of time. A lot of stress, but also a lot of reflection.

Sammi and Josh are in a bit of a tight spot. Their truck was having issues, so I helped get a new battery for it, but it wasn’t a battery issue. They had to get the truck towed, but it is in the works to get fixed which is the big thing.

Sammi had an appointment to have dental work done, but that has been another epic battle with buses and taxis and doctors and stress. The whole situation reminds me of when I had to get my own car fixed, and how sometimes the simplest, easiest task becomes this epic Mt. Everest to overcome.

My heart goes out to both of them, and I am trying to help as much as I can. I wish I could be more financial support, but because of my choices in the past I can’t.

Being on the outside looking in at their situation, being caught up in my own, and knowing a bit about what Sir is going through, it got me thinking about issues. It reminded me of a TedTalk. It was about how we all have “hard”. Who is to say what is harder for one person over another? How is coming out harder or easier than telling a loved one that you are terminally ill? Who are we say what is more or less stressful for someone else?

Stressful situations are stressful and hard. End of story. They test us. We sit and wonder how we are going to get through the situation. We wonder if we are strong enough. We feel like we are falling apart and spiraling out of control.

I have been there.

Sometimes I’m still there. Like with the situation with Jarrett. I don’t know how to fix it. I see myself getting burned, torched even, in the fall out of cutting him out of my life. More on that later.

The point for right now is that seeing the situation from the outside, I suppose a little detached, helped put my own issues in perspective.

My issues are “What am I going to eat?” not “How am I going to eat?” “When am I going to sleep?” not “Where am I going to sleep?”

I’m able to get frustrated with high car insurance payments and gas prices because I have a car that requires both of those things.

I am able to be sad from missing my family and friends because I have awesome people in my life who mean more to me than the air filling my lungs as I type this.

I am very fortunate and sometimes it is hard to keep that in perspective. Especially while things feel like they are collapsing around me. When it feels like the Earth I am holding up in my hands is turning to gravel and spilling through my fingers, crushing me in the process.

We always tell people that things will get better, that they will make it through this situation and hardship. That it will be ok. Yet while you are the one in the middle of the storm, those same words sound like a lie. There’s not light at the end. There is only darkness swallowing you alive, pulling you down into an abyss you know in your heart you will never be able to escape.

And yet, at the end, the sun comes back out. The seas calm, and you realize that somehow, some way, you did survive. Maybe battered and bruised, but you are still alive, breathing, and when you look back behind you to the storm clouds, they don’t seem as dark and when you were in the thick of it.

It’s always after we overcome our challenges that we think about how we could have handled them with better grace, how we could have done things differently to make the situation easier. How it wasn’t that bad, and we were freaking out over nothing. Mountains out of molehills.

I do not think that undermines the hardship. I don’t think that makes our reactions invalid. We react and make decisions to the best of our ability at the time. We can only do our best, and no one, not even the universe, has the right to ask for more.

Sometimes we cannot make the journey alone. In most instances we could not make it through the storm without the support of those closest to us. The dark abyss would win if it weren’t for the people who love us, and help to fight it back. We would be consumed by our own inner demons.

I have come to realize how very important my loved ones, my clan, are to me. There have been so many situations where I felt like the only thing I could do was give up. Quit. I would never be able to make it.

But for some reason, they are able to see something in myself that I am blind to. Some strength, some inner light I seem to constantly lose or misplace. But they still see it. They know it is there, and that all I need is encouragement, warmth of love. All I need is people saying that even if I have lost faith in myself that they still have faith in me. And their faith is what gets me through.

If they still believe in me then it’s not a lost cause. There’s a reason to keep going. I love them, and I don’t want to let them down, and the only way I can let them down is to stop.

As hard as it is sometimes, as much as it hurts, I have to keep moving, one step at a time. Some times the steps are so small it doesn’t feel like I am doing anything. But each action, each task, each small seemingly unimportant thing keeps me going, moving, progressing.

Maybe I travel down the wrong road, but I’ll never know if it is wrong or not unless I try. All I can do is try, and do my best, the same as everyone else. And through doing I will learn, about life, about love, about myself. And I can take that knowledge and wisdom and apply it to my next stressful, frustrating, overwhelming experience.

There will always be issues to overcome. And each issue will test me and push my limits, and I will continue to wonder how I am going to get through them. But I feel I have more faith in myself now.

I have survived through everything so far. I will survive through this situation, and the ones to come.

I symbolically let go of my past when I shaved my head, but spiritually I had not. Until last night I still was a vessel holding poisoned water. I knew that I wasn’t ok. Maybe I was depressed. I was constantly tired even though I slept.

I didn’t want to work out, I didn’t really want to eat or cook. I didn’t want to do anything. It was hard, it took so much effort, and it didn’t feel worth it. The stress and tension were still inside me, bleeding into everything, every action that I did everything that I touched.

I feel free again. I feel as if those shackles that were on my soul are gone. I can still feel some of the sickness in my core; the ties I still have to some of the negative in my past, but I feel so much lighter now. Stronger, alive.

I feel cleaner and more myself. As if I am able to think clearly.

Sometimes we need to cry so we wash our eyes and can see clearly once again. I feel that is what happened last night. I cried so hard my chest hurt. I cried over losing Jarrett and the love that I gave him. I cried over Sir and the hole I was trying to fill. I cried over all of the times that I drove home knowing this wasn’t where I wanted to be and still I forced myself to do it.

I cried for all of the hurt I have put myself through. I cried for the four-year-old girl inside of me who only wants love and affection; for the child I keep neglecting and abusing. She deserves better. I deserve better. I deserve more than the way I have been treating myself.

Regardless of how other people treat me, I should love and respect myself enough to walk away from negative and bad situations. I have gotten so much better over the years, but this past year has been a bit of a relapse. I have faltered, and I am catching myself before I fall. I was not loving myself. I was hurting myself and suffering for it.

That time is over.

I need to take care of myself once again. I need to grow and nurture myself. I need to finish healing and learning from my past. I need to accept myself again, whole-heartedly, and unconditionally. I need to understand that my cracks and flaws do not make me broken.

I am a gorgeous, wonderful, amazing work of art, a statue that has stood the test of time. As with anything prized and hand crafted, it is appreciated for its uniqueness, for its imperfections.

I am not weak. I am strong, I am durable. I have been tried and tested and I have come out standing. I have gained scares and chips and cracks, and they are my battle wounds to show that I am a fighter, a warrior. I went through it, and I came out victorious, and they add that much more to my character.

I have things I need to work through, just like everyone else. But that does not make me less. And knowing where my weaknesses are allows me to turn them into strengths. Like a sore muscle I can work on myself and make myself better, emotionally, spiritually, physically.

The main teachings of Buddha say that life is suffering, and that suffering is due to ignorance. But that ignorance can be overcome and in the process one can become enlightened.

I have been in so much emotional and spiritual pain recently. But I feel I am beginning to come to terms with my ignorance of the past year. I am accepting myself, and those who have been in my life. I am finally learning and I feel I am on the road to actually healing now. I am on the road to returning to myself, my roots.

I still have ties to the past which need to be severed before I am completely free to return to my journey.

There is the phone with Sir that I will look into switching back over to Metro PCS. I was thinking about asking my mom to allow me on her plan, but I want to be on my own. If I were on her plan I feel like it would be another step backwards, and that is not what I want. I want to be in control of my own finances. I feel that is a mark of being an independent adult, and I am striving to obtain that goal.

So the last tie I have with Sir can hopefully be easily cut. One chapter completed and done.

I still owe $400 on the credit card with Warren. He has never been an issue, though. For all that he was a jerk to me, and all of the horrible things that were said, I feel I have placed him in the past and that after a few more payments I will be able to close that chapter completely as well.

The only other thing would be the situation with Jarrett, which is going to be the hardest and messiest.

The electric bill is late. I did not put money towards the bill, nor will I. I have $140. Which means I have $40. Enough for food, which is what I had been budgeting for. The $100 left is what should have been in my savings account. I am not going to touch it.

I told Jarrett a month and a half ago that the accounts were going to be closed at the beginning of November. I am going to stick to that. Once he pays me for the electricity I am going to remind him about the closures, and schedule them.

Then it is up to him to figure out how to reopen the accounts. He will most likely have to have his roommate do most of it since his credit is so bad.

I need to get the cable box from the apartment. I can see that being an issue of him not wanting to let me into the apartment. I can see it being a confrontation. I need the equipment back though. I still have a key to the apartment. I can either figure out when he is not there and take it back, or I can try to talk to him.

I suppose it depends on which Jarrett I get when I am talking with him. If it is Cactus then I will wait until he is not there. It is not his apartment, it is our apartment, and I have just as much right to be there as he does, especially since I am on the lease still. Also the equipment is not ours, his nor mine, it is Brighthouse’s, and if I am closing the account I need to return it. So there is no trespassing or stealing involved.

The electric is another story, as it always is. I am thinking about calling Duke and seeing how much the deposit for the account is. Most likely it will be about $160. I am thinking about giving Jarrett that money so he can turn the power back on in his name, or his roommate’s, whichever works. But that will allow me to close my account, them to open theirs, and for all of us to avoid an eviction notice.

I gave up on the $400 he owes me when we broke up. He will never give it to me, and as long as he is out of my life I don’t care about it. It was a choice I made to pay the money, and I paid it knowing that I would most likely never see it again.

I am going to inform Kari of what I plan to do, and talk it over with her. That way she is aware of what is going on. Maybe they can even go with me when I go to the apartment to get the cable box. I’m not sure how much they would be able to do for me on that front. It would be nice to at least have someone with me as a third party to witness whatever happens. But regardless, I will inform her about the power account issue, and the continued issue of not being off of the lease and another person living in the apartment.

This issue needs to be corrected before I can truly continue to move on, and if it takes an eviction notice on my record then so be it. I will have to figure it out, but this is something that needs to be resolved.

It will be resolved one way or another by the start of December. That is my goal. To have all ties cut before the start of my birth month, so I may start the new year totally cleansed.

First and easiest step, the phone. So that is either today or tomorrow. Most likely tomorrow.

Small steps, small actions, will lead me to where I want to be. I have identified my actions. I have laid out my battle plan, and my intentions, and though the universe has a way of laughing at our plans, it gives me a guide that I can then alter as I try to transverse from point A to point B.

I will make it through this, and even if it is hard and painful I will not break or crumple. The world will not crush me as it dissolves into rocks and pebbles at my fingertips.

I will make it. I am strong, and I am a warrior. I will fight this sickness and repel it from my system so that I can continue to grow and be the strong dragon I am supposed to become.

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