Not a lot has happened between nom and my last post. Mostly because it is 9am and the only thing I did, aside from combing my room for bugs, was go to sleep.
The further along lab got the more dead I felt. Running really took it out of me, and being awake since 1am wasn’t helping. I was spent. I didn’t even go upstairs after lab to print out the things I wanted because the thought of having to do extra walking was so unappealing.
But that’s ok. No one died from not getting it done, and I have to go into work today, so I can get those papers in a few hours. No harm done.
I didn’t do the 3D Blitz video, which I know I’m procrastinating on. I need to set a date to finish it; otherwise I’ll just keep moving it back like I am right now.
I didn’t finish the boarder for my dad’s cross-stitch, but I’m over halfway done with it. I’m going to work on that while listening to the last chapters of Quiet once I’m done writing this. I want to get it finished and framed today, so Monday I can mail it out.
I did empty my book bag after lab. All of my techy stuff is in one of my orange shopping bags sitting in my room. I really don’t have all that much stuff. I might be able to get away with using my messenger back for a little bit, though that doesn’t have all of the padding and pockets that I would like.
I did find a bag that I’m hardcore looking at getting. And it’s purple. : D
It’s normally about $120 bucks, but right now it’s only $50. Still $50 too much for me to spend… But Hopefully the sale / promotion thing holds out and I can get it.
It’s a pretty bitchin bag. Life time warranty, has a pocket at the bottom of the bag that has a plastic cover rolled up inside of it, so when it rains you can cover your book bag. Tons of space. I would really like to touch it before buying it, but it looks exactly like what I would want in a book bag. And like I said, I don’t really carry all that much in it.
I didn’t find any more bugs last night. I checked my gym bag, my messenger bag, under my mattress, my pillows. I’m sure some hiding somewhere, but I think getting rid of the book bag was the best thing to do. I hope that was where they all were hiding.
But yeah, that was the most exciting thing to happen so far. Had a banana when I woke up and I’m working my way through my cup of coffee.
I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot. I had to ask John for his address since I didn’t know it. I am going to email him just to make sure it’s correct.
John asked me why I wanted it, and I told him that I wanted to send dad a birthday present. I haven’t done that in I can’t even remember how long. I can’t remember the last time that I actually told him happy birthday.
I sent him an email on Father’s day this year.
I’m not really looking for us to have a relationship any more. At least I know we can’t have one like when I was growing up. I’m not a child any more, and I’m jaded. Every time he does something there is going to be part of me that remembers back to when he sat my brother and I down in the play room and said that he was leaving because he didn’t love mom any more.
Part of me is always going to remember what it felt like for him to choose not to come to things that were important to me. Part of me will always remember the times he didn’t call.
I’m not his little girl anymore, even if I still have that part of myself inside me. We can’t go back to how it was, and going forward I know that it is going to be strained and painful until I come to terms with this fact. I feel like I have acknowledged the situation, but I don’t think I have really accepted the situation. If I did, wouldn’t it hurt less?
Because that part inside me still wants things to be different than what they are, there is still tension, stress, and hurt over it. At least that is what I think.
I feel like I should send him something because if it was anyone else, I would. If it were anyone else on my Facebook page I would send him or her a note saying how I hope they have a fantastic day. Why should I treat my father differently?
I’m glad he is alive. I don’t want him to suffer or be miserable. I want him to enjoy the life he has created for himself, and I want him to be fulfilled. So shouldn’t I treat him the same as everyone else in my life?
I don’t know if I am reaching out and trying to heal, or if I am reaching out for assurance, and to subconsciously have the relationship with my dad that I have wanted for so long.
Maybe it is both. Maybe I should just send a card because sending a hand-crafted item might be too much too soon.
I feel like I should meditate more on this. Right now it leaves me feeling unsettled, unbalanced. Not really hurt, but uncomfortable. I know there is more there under the surface. There’s a lot there that hasn’t been dealt with, which bleeds into other areas of my life. It affects how I interact with other people, which isn’t fair to them.
This is something from my past, and I know I have left my past where it belongs. I have acknowledged what it is, where it is, and what it is doing to my present. Now I feel like I need to work on acceptance. I feel with acceptance will come peace and a natural shift in my behavior.
I know this isn’t going to be an overnight thing, but I don’t think it will take years of therapy either. I need to see things as they are and not as I wish they were. He is his own person with his own family and responsibility.
Just like I couldn’t be the partner Sir wanted me to be due to my real life responsibilities, so must I understand that my Dad cannot be the super hero that I remember from so long ago. We are different people, at different points in our lives. We can have friendship, but we are past the point where we can have the typical foundation of a parent and child because we no longer play those roles.
We can only be who and what we are, not what the other envisions for us.
I think I’ll be ok with that, and I think the more I think about it, the more my inner four year old will understand it, too.