Post 0029: Mmmm… Sleep

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So I have to admit that I like waking up pretty early if only for the fact that everyone else is asleep. There is a calmness to the later / earlier hours of a day that can’t be recreated or obtained during waking hours.

Yesterday was pretty busy, but in a good way. I got my dad’s cross-stitch taken care of. I had to open the art room since there wasn’t a class going on yesterday, most likely because it’s the end of the month and classes are over.

I cut the mounting board for the cross-stitch, got it stretched over the board and in the frame. It looks gorgeous. I like it so much better than I did at first. The stitched boarder and the frame really bring out the dragon. I’m happy with it.

I will post a picture of the framed piece at some point today.

I got the papers printed out that I needed to.

I even got my schedule figured out for next month. It sucks. I have 5am – 1pm labs Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Which I think I could deal with those. I hate the early labs, but I’ve been waking up at 1am anyway, so maybe they won’t be so bad.

What makes the schedule suck is that Shading and Lighting is 5pm to 9am Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. So I have a donut in-between my labs. It’s only a four hour lab, but it’s during the time that I aught to be sleeping. It’s going to leave me tired.

I’m going to see how I fair with it. I might send an email to Tony to let him know that I might not be able to swing the schedule. If it interferes with my ability to work out, sleep, and cook due to being constantly drained then I’ll have to figure something out.

There’s also my new class to consider. I really should check into that later today.

I have my final assignment for Art History to complete. But I have the day to myself so I feel like I will be fine.

The SAL lab was quiet since it was their final practical. I had started stitching the boarder around the November dragon before I had actually figured out how I wanted it to look, so I spent part of the lab undoing that stitching, since it was different than what I needed it to be. I also poked around on Pintrest and figured out my meal plans for the coming week. Things are going to be crazy with my schedule.

Daniel messaged me. He’s back from his interview in Vancouver. We are supposed to hang out today and do lunch / dinner with a handful of other people. I’m actually relieved that more people will be there. I was worried about it being awkward with just the two of us. I didn’t think it was meant as a ‘date’ type situation, which is why I agreed to it originally. Daniel is a super cool dude, and he will be leaving soon, so I wanted to be able to spend time with him while I could. But with other people there it feels safer.

I’m just glad he mentioned others being there instead of letting it be a surprise. Now I am prepared for what I’m getting myself into.

After work I ran home to pick up the cross-stitch for Sam, the frame I needed to return, and an envelope. I also ate while I had the chance. Then I headed to the bank to deposit the cash that Mr. D. gave me for his half of the expenses.

Part of me wants to use that money to get the book bag. The bill is due on the 4th and I don’t get paid until the 7th. I might try to see if I can get an extension on the bill. If I can then I will do that, if not then I will just have to wait until the 7th.

If I do get the extension and there is a late charge I will pay it. I used the messenger bag yesterday and I don’t like it. I mean, it works, but it is so insecure and unorganized. It will work until I can replace it, which I hope is soon.

After the bank I went to Sammi’s apartment and picked up the cable equipment. Super easy and painless and no one was there. I locked up the apartment and dropped off the keys at the office, so two huge things done. The only thing left is to drop off the equipment, which I can do Monday when the center is open.

I stopped at Walmart before going home to see if there was a nice 5×5 picture frame, or something I could use for Sam’s cross-stitch. Of course they had nothing. I looked at photo albums, and none of those had a cover the right size. I looked in the arts and crafts section to see if I could make my own frame, and again, nothing. It’s like 5×5 is an unheard of dimension. It’s a square… come on… no one takes or prints square pictures?

Defeated for the moment I got back in the car and headed to Jo Ann’s. At the very least I wanted to return the picture frame while I was out and running around. Get it all over with sort of thing.

There was a huge line at the checkout, like always, so I had to wait a while to return the frame. Once I had that taken care of I went to see if maybe I had overlooked something that would work. I didn’t see anything. They had plan wooden frames that you could decorate yourself. That seemed like a viable option, but they didn’t have the size I needed, even though the display image clearly had a square frame. Bastards.

I didn’t really see the type of material I would want to use to build my own frame, so I started just wandering around the store. I found another display of picture frames and they had a nice, black, 5×5, with a deeper back then the silver one I had bought. It was like it was waiting for me.

I haven’t tried it out yet. But I’m fairly certain it will work. That’s going to be the first thing I do after finishing my coffee, which I’m sure is cold by now.

So with all of that taken care of I came back home.

I was pretty hungry by then, but I really didn’t want to heat anything up in the microwave. I wanted a warm, fresh cooked meal. I didn’t have anything defrosted though, so I was sort of stumped on what to make.

I ended up boiling some pasta, sautéing zucchini, squash, and onion with garlic, basil and red pepper flakes, and mixing in some pasta sauce that I have been meaning to finish off. I topped it off with Parmesan cheese. I would have rather had mozzarella, but I wasn’t going to go back out for it.

It was pretty tasty. So I have three more impromptu meals. Huzzah.

After that I really didn’t have much drive to do anything. I didn’t want to watch or listen to anything. Too much brain power required for processing information. I didn’t even want to stitch. I was just tired, mentally and physically. So I went to sleep. I’m not even sure what time it was.

I woke up a couple times during the night and was like “nope,” and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I thought about doing it again this morning when I woke up at 8, but I got up instead.

I’ve already unloaded the dishwasher and took care of my dishes from last night. So I already feel like a boss, mostly because I’m still so tired and low on the energy scale. I think that has to do with how busy I was Friday and Saturday from all the running around.

Maybe a quiet day of homework where I stay inside and don’t interact with anyone is exactly what I need. I’m willing to give it a try.

I need to do the cooking, at least a fair amount of it, so that’s going to be what I do on my breaks from homework, if I take any. I have to do an analysis on a piece of artwork, so since it is mostly typing and not really researching I’m thinking I can bang it out in a few hours.

I’ll have to look more in-depth at the assignment PDF, but I’m thinking it will be alright.

One thing that has been on my mind is a text message Sammi sent me of a conversation between her and Sir. I guess he wants to be with me still, and has been thinking about asking me on a date.

I have mixed emotions about that. At first I didn’t know what to feel, other than ‘Nope’. Like, instant, knee jerk reaction was to put the phone down because just reading that made it seem like he could talk to me, or touch me; in some way like he was in my physical presence and that was a bad thing.

I knew that I needed to meditate on those emotions when I felt them, there had to be a reason for me reacting so strongly. And the fact that even though my overall impression was negative, there was still part of me that warmed.

The warmth I feel has to do with a sense of validation. I wasn’t just a notch in his belt. I made an impression. Even if it is after the fact that I have left, he sees that I had value, and I meant something to him.

The realistic side of me wonders if this is more of a need for him to have companionship. Maybe his other partners do not fill the same needs that I did, and that is why he wants to reach out to me, in which case it is still dependency rather than love that is pushing him to be with me.

I feel like not enough time has passed for him to have changed. He still doesn’t have a car, he still most likely hates his job and has done nothing to change it. His mother is most likely still sick, and so he has that to contend with. He still has all of the issues that he is avoiding rather than addressing.

He needs to fix himself first, much like I am trying to do. How can you have a stable, healthy relationship, when you yourself are not healthy or stable?

And the more I think about it, the more I do not want a poly relationship. Not right from the beginning. Poly I feel is something you build into. And it’s not “We’re poly so we’re going to jump straight to sex because that’s what poly is.”

No. It’s a lot of time and effort. A poly relationship is harder than just a regular relationship, with more emotional processing. And you don’t have three other partners. You can’t have a super deep, connected relationship with 4 people after only three months. Relationships don’t work that way.

They take time and effort. Lots of effort. And compromise. Which I don’t feel like he did very often. I feel like I gave up a lot to show that I wanted to make the relationship work, and I feel that was part of the problem. If I had stood my ground on the issues that were important to me, maybe we wouldn’t have ended the way we did.

I think if I were to have a relationship again, I would want it to be a one-on-one relationship for a while. And I don’t think he would do that. I know Lexi wanted that, and made compromises with Sir. She would let him be with other people but she wanted to be the only person he kissed, but he didn’t honor that. He told me about that rule, and still broke it, and was unashamed about it.

I don’t have faith that he would do things that he didn’t want to. He’s very much into self-gratification. If he wants it he will do it, or have it, regardless of consequences. Like going out to eat rather than buying his son a birthday present.

His priorities are so vastly different from mine that I don’t feel like we could have a functional relationship together. I feel that it would constantly me be reigning him in, reminding him to be responsible and to think of what needs to be done first, that play time has to wait until the chores are done.

I feel like I would be a parent.

That is what I learned by living with him for three months. There was one time he made a comment about if I put half as much effort into cleaning the room as I put into cleaning the kitchen that we wouldn’t have a bedbug problem.

I was so furious with that comment. Yeah, I could put more effort into the room than what I was, but I was the only one putting in –any- effort into anything. He came home and watched TV or hung out with other people. He never did anything in the kitchen, or the room. If he had put in a quarter of the effort I was into anything I would have been happy. But he never seemed to care about anything. He wanted things to change, and talked about how they would, but never showed or did anything to make me believe his words.

If anything he did the opposite. You have to walk the walk if you’re going to talk the talk, otherwise it’s just hollow words. And that’s what I feel like anything with him would be. Just pretty words, dreams. And the difference between dreams and reality is hard work, and that’s something he doesn’t want to do. So for him they will stay dreams.

I also feel like if we met in person that he would expect things to be as they were. He would expect me to be submissive to him, which he has lost the right to have. I went to him several times expressing that I needed something from him, and he didn’t want to compromise on it. It was all or nothing.

Move in with him or end the relationship. No, I can’t cut my hair even though it is a spiritual action for me.

I never asked him to buy me objects, I never nagged for him to do chores or his share. Every time he asked for money or to go out, we did, and I paid. If he needed to go somewhere I drove. I even took his friends home, driving the 40 minutes there and back by myself most times. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the laundry by myself for three months, so he never had to worry about having clean cloths. But I’m not allowed to cut my hair. Something that will grow back, and would symbolically mean something to me, for us. That’s a hard limit.

I feel like because I admitted to be a submissive personality that he expected me to give in to his will, because pleasing my dominant partner is part of my nature. And to an extent it is. But once it begins interfering with my emotional and spiritual wellbeing, it takes a back seat.

My partner is supposed to lift me up, and elevate me to be a better person. Not drag me down, confine me, and restrict my self-expression. They are supposed to be equally as strong and independent and stable as myself, if not more so.

I should believe their words, and have faith that they have my best intention in mind. That they will put my needs before their own, because that is what I do for them. There is a level of equality in any type of relationship, vanilla, d/s, s/m, poly. It doesn’t matter. There is an understanding and a base level of respect, and I feel like it wasn’t there between Sir and I.

If I say something is a legitimate need, there should at least be a discussion, not flat out refusal, especially since I bend on so many things to begin with. Why is he the only one allowed to have hard lines and limits, but I am not? That is not equal, fair, or healthy.

When we broke up he said that I had changed. That I was not the original Freya he had met and that he was saddened by that, and had to get to know the ‘new me’. That hurt. I didn’t change. I have always been myself.

Because of that comment I feel like he never really knew me, or saw the real me. I feel like he was looking at this fantasy version of what he wanted me to be, what I could be.

I feel like he will still be looking at me as if I am a different person. Some altered, Photoshopped fantasy submissive. He won’t see me. He will see some idealized version of what he wants me to be. What he hopes I can become.

That’s conditional love, and that’s not what I want. I want unconditional. I want to be accepted for who I am, flaws and all. Not for the vision of perfection he thinks he can morph me into.

I also feel like he would want, maybe even expect, sex. Which is so far from my mind right now that I feel like I should be wearing thick, long pants, a long sleeve shirt, a hoodie with the hood pulled up, socks, shoes, and a couple pairs of gloves.

I don’t want to be touched, by anyone.

I feel so put off by the thought of being intimate right now. I was open for him, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and this was how it ended. Hurt feelings and ultimatums. I don’t feel warm and open. I feel hurt and cold.

I don’t feel like I was asking for so much. I feel like I was asking for reasonable things, and that it was blown out of proportion. I wanted to be understood and to have the reassurance that it was ok to be me, and I didn’t get that, so I don’t want to give any more of myself.

I don’t want that level of connection with someone who doesn’t accept me for me. And knowing that he wants that connection, even if he doesn’t ask for it, will make me feel so incredibly awkward, because that submissive part of my brain that wants to make everyone happy would want to give in.

There would be so much inner conflict for me. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth the stress and hurt. At least not right now. I tried for days to make him understand where I was coming from, and he never wanted to see it from my point of view. Never wanted to see the bigger, long-term picture. All he cared about was the instant gratification of the present moment.

Our moment has past, and I do not think there will be another. Not until we both heal, and work through several of our issues. And there is no way that could have happened in a month. I know, at least for me, that I am nowhere close to where I want to be before entertaining the idea of another relationship.

I seriously, whole-heartedly hope that he doesn’t message me.

For now I’m not going to worry about it. Worrying is a misuse of the imagination, and I have better things to put my time and energy into.

I feel better having written through most of those emotions. I understand what I was feeling better. It’s more clear and solid.

I guess it’s time to get back to enjoying my relaxing day. People are waking up so the solitude is past. Time to join the rest of the world.

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