Post 0040 : More AM Awesomeness

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I got to sleep last night around 10ish, maybe 11? I really don’t know what time is was. Most likely later than I wanted it to be. Because of that I’m sort of dragging right now.

I’m tired, I have an 8 hour shift ahead of me, and I have stuff left over from yesterday that I want / need to get done, and I most likely won’t get through everything that I want to, so it will bleed over into tomorrow which is supposed to be my WoW, RnR day.

Yay run on sentence of doooooom. : D

Anyway, yesterday was a pretty alright day. Not as productive as I wanted, but not bad.

Lets see if I can remember how everything went down.

I woke up and paid bills. I have money left over which is awesome. But I have to take Scarlet to the vet so she can be boarded with Cleo over Christmas. So I don’t have the extra money I need to pay my mom back.

I did pay extra on the Bank of America card, and my Care Credit account. I also put away $50 to savings. So I suppose if I scrapped all of that together I would have had an extra $100. I’m sort of content with my money situation though. At least at the moment.

So I got all of that figured out and taken care of.

Had breakfast. I think for the most part I was a slacker yesterday morning. I cooked the broccoli that I had so that can go with the meals for over the weekend, and I cut up the zucchini that’s been in the fridge for a while. I wanted to make fries for the PCC critiques later that day.

I ended up going for a run which was awesome. Still working on my 1 minute intervals. I can get through three of them again. So I’m doing better. I’ll be doing a solid mile before I know it.

After that I came home, cooked the fries, showered and headed to school since critiques were at 1pm instead of 5.

No one showed up except for Tre. I was a little bummed. I had wanted to show what I had been working on, and to share the fries with everyone. But since no one was there Tre and I talked about code for roughly two hours until Clavan showed up and took over. Luis and I chatted for a bit, too. I’m going to try out a ‘rigging bootcamp’ on him.

We’re supposed to rig a gun in 4 hours. I haven’t started on mine yet. We have the geometry set up, so it’s really just execution at this point. We brainstormed the battle plan together, so we know what everything is supposed to do, what icons we need, and what attributes should be on the controls. So the hard part is pretty much done. Just need to get everything working.

I know I can do it. It’s just finding time on top of doing my homework and finishing off the fish rig for Alex. Both of those are priorities.

Luis and I want to try to meet up today to go over the rig, but it might work out better to meet on a different day. Sunday maybe, or even Money. We agreed to keep the time limit at 4 hours. So no matter when we meet up we should be good. The idea is to see how far we can get in that time frame, not necessary to complete the ‘requirements’. We want to get a feel for our levels; our base line.

After the code talk, and the brainstorming I clocked out and was goign to head home. I saw Tre and Joshua outside though, so I sat and talked with them for a while. All in all I didn’t leave school until about 5pm.

During that time Jarrett messaged me back. I had sent him a text  that morning asking, once again, if we could meet to sign the paper for the apartment notice. He said that finding a new roommate was his top priority, and that he was on campus from 1 to 9.

I would think not getting charged double rent for not signing a piece of paper that you knew you would have to sign the you signed the lease 10 months ago would be just a high of a priority, especially since it’s so easy to get it done and over with. Look at me being all silly with my logic, though. What am I thinking? Procrastinating on this is clearly the best option.

I replied to his message saying that I was on campus and if it would be possible to meet up on his break. He didn’t reply until super late saying that the lab was optional and that work had called him to see if he wanted more hours, so he was going to go in.

I replied to that asking if we could meet before he left for work, to which I never got a reply. I really fucking hate shit like that. Every time I start thinking that I miss him, or I wonder if leaving was the right choice he does shit like that which reminds me of why I left. Because he’s a child who shrinks away from responsibility rather than being a man and taking care of the things that need to get done, or replying so the other person knows that it’s in his realm of importance.

No. Instead he just leaves it hanging so the other person is left in suspension with it, not knowing what is going to be done, or when it is going to happen. It’s not fair, and it’s rude and inconsiderate and makes me so frustrated I wish I could set every area of my life that he has any influence over on fire with napalm because I feel like that would be less painful and aggravating than dealing with him sometimes. Arg. >.<

Moving forward… I sent an email to the vet clinic seeing if Scarlet could be seen in the near future. They replied back saying they had tons of open times and to reply with a time that worked best for me.

I’m trying to see if Scarlet can get seen today around 2ish, so that is over with and I can get the money out of my account so I have an accurate reading on how much this will cost. Since the clinic isn’t open yet I’m waiting on a response. I prefer email, but if I don’t hear back from them by 11am, when we go on break, I’ll call and see if anything can happen today.

Once I got home I worked on the fish for a little bit. I got the eye blinks in there. So not much work, but a little bit. I moved forward one step on it, so there was progress.

I worked on my homework for a while, as well. Longer than I thought I would because I got into it. I picked my color pallet, which I actually went back and forth on colors for a while. It’s hard keeping it to only 5, and having black count as one of the 5 is so not fair. This project would be so much easier if I could have just a few more colors. ;-;

I got most of the pants detail penned out, and all of the shapes in the Gremlin and box colored. Now that I have my color pallet I can finish off the shapes for the upper shirt, and I can start filling in the shapes in the pants. The arms are going to be rougher since most of my color pallet is blue. I’ll make it work though.

I got my grades back for my self portrait assignment and the discussion board. I got a 97 on the assignment, a lot higher than I thought it would be, and a 100 on the discussion board which I was hoping for. So I’m feeling good about that.

I watched the most recent episode of Korra which was frustrating. I really like the show, and I understand the whole inner conflict thing, but I’m really tired of her being weak and broken feeling. She’s getting her ass handed to her and she keeps going at everything the same way.

I mean, there was some growth in the fact that she tried talking to Kovera first and being the diplomat, but she went straight back into fighting, and rushing headlong into things, which never worked for her in the past. Arg. Stop acting like my younger brother! >.<

It makes me want to throw a brick at her face because that might have a chance of knocking sense into her. If nothing else it would make me feel better for a half a second before I worried if I gave her a concussion and realized what I horrible person I am for throwing bricks at people.

I went to sleep shortly after that. And here I am at work, donuts for my students and sitting here wanting to be back at home under the warm covers with Scarlet.

It’s not that I don’t want to do lab, or that I’m dreading the day. Just want another hour of sleep before I have to start it.

Joshua hasn’t been home the past few nights. I’m thinking he’s been staying with his lady friend. Or maybe just hanging out at open labs. I don’t know, but a selfish part of me sort of likes that every time I’m home, I’m alone. It’s a lot like living alone. If I hadn’t texted him yesterday we would have been going on a week without talking to each other. And a very prominent part of me is ok with that.

I wonder if that makes me a bad person. “Hey, make my bills way cheaper, but don’t talk to me, or be in my presence, or ask to hangout. In fact don’t be home when I’m home because just knowing your in the house changes the vibe of it.”

I mean, that’s pretty much how it is in its crudest form. And when looking at it that way, I’m a giant ass.

I wonder if I would have been a hermit if I were born in a different time.

I wonder if eventually I will grow into something like that. Live by myself in the woods, hunting my food, growing my own garden, living a quiet simple life away from the politics and drama of the superficial world. Away from people, advertising, TV. In my head it feels awesome. In my head it feels calm, peaceful. It feels like enough. No more, no less.

My mind is wondering it seems. I have a letter of recommendation that I really don’t know how to start. It’s been on my to do list all week and I keep pushing it back; procrastinating. I know Liam is a good person, but I haven’t talked to him in so long. We didn’t stay close once he left my class, and I didn’t see him at all while he was interning.

I need to write more than, “He’s a good guy.” Or at least write supporting facts to why he’s “a good guy”, but I honestly don’t know what to say.

I remember him being quiet, diligent. But is that how he really is? Is that how he is now? I don’t want to write something and have it not be true. I don’t feel qualified to write the letter, but I have already agreed to do it, so I can’t really back out of it.

There is conflict over this task and that is keeping me from addressing it. I don’t want to lie, but I don’t know what the truth is.

I wonder if I’m the only one who has issues over things like this. How many other people would simply write a list of flattering comments and send it off without a second though. How many people actually sit and think of the moral implications of their words? How many people make such small things into such defining character choices?

I do that with so many things. There’s always this hidden deeper purpose or meaning to most things I do it seems. There has to be a reason otherwise it is pointless, meaningless, trivial and unworthy of completion.

And it has to line up with what I feel. Since this task feels like lying, and that goes against what I believe, I don’t want to do it. The thought of having to write statements that I can’t stand behind makes my forearms hurt and feel heavy. There is an aversion to touching the keyboard.

Maybe if I kept it short, I will be ok. Maybe if I prefix the statements with, “While he was in my class,” that way it’s not lying, and leaves room for him to change as a person. It’s not a blanket statement.

I think I would be more ok with that. But it still doesn’t make me click my heels with joy for having to write the letter.

It’s something I have to figure out, today. I want this task done and over with so I can stop wasting energy worrying and fretting over it. That’s not fair to me or Liam, since I told him I would have this done Monday, and it’s now Saturday.

I was supposed to go to the bank yesterday to withdrawal money for the phone bill. I messaged Sir saying that I would and that I would message him when the envelop was in the mail.

He offered to meet in person since I guess he lives in the Orlando area. I said that I was busy this weekend and that mail would be best for me.

That’s not really a lie. I am busy, but the total truth is that I don’t want to see him. I definitely don’t want to be the one driving and putting in the effort to see him. I don’t want it to be one sided like it constantly was in our past.

I don’t want to give him the chance to say something to make me feel guilty, or to bring up the past. I don’t want him. I don’t want to be around him. I don’t want to read text messages from him. It doesn’t feel good and leaves me feeling conflicted over if I made the right choice or not.

He said he thought we could handle at least seeing each other, but I don’t know if I could. I think it would bring up a lot of things I am trying to work through, and not in a good way.

I’m sure he’s still seeing people, which stings a little. I have to remember that we’re different people with different needs.

Part of me is lonely, and I think that is why it stings. It would be nice to have a hug, or a kiss on the forehead, hearing someone else’s heartbeat when I wake up in the morning. But I think of all of the stress that goes into having something like that. All of the hurt, miscommunication, and misunderstanding, all of the expectations and added responsibilities and I don’t see how a relationship can ever be worth it. Mostly because of the hurt involved.

I know I still have things to work through, but I wonder if between my dad and all of the people I have dated if I am jaded. I wonder if I will ever be able to change my outlook. Or maybe that I am now fundamentally broken.

I logically know how relationships are supposed to work, but I feel that I cannot have that. I feel like it is something I can only observe in others.

I remember back to when I was little at a ballet rehearsal, and I was standing on one side of the room after everyone had run to the other side to meet up with their parents. I was alone, looking at everyone else being happy. There were greetings, and hugs, and smiles; laughing and warmth. I couldn’t see my parents which is why I hadn’t moved. I didn’t see anyone for me, but I could see all of the other people being happy.

And even as a little girl I had this though. “This is how it will always be. Alone.” There was a deep seated realization, a level of acceptance, like a puzzle piece falling into place, a physical click within my brain. It was a feeling that I didn’t understand at the time, and I thought that even I thought was odd to have, but it did not make it any less real.

My personality type makes up less than 1% of the population. I am surrounded by people, but I am always on the outside, never able to fit the same way it seems other people are able to because I see things so vastly differently. Maybe it is because I see that I am outside. If you are observing then can you truly be participating? It’s like listening. If you are talking then you can’t hear what the other person is saying.

If you are doing then can you truly capture everything that is going on? And if you are watching, analyzing, are your truly in the moment?

One would have to wonder if I am truly living then, if being fully present in the moment is living life, then what am I doing if I am on the outside of the moment?

Deep thoughts at 6am.

I wonder if that is part of my relationship problem. Do I keep myself from being fully in the relationship? Is that something my partner senses?

I don’t think I held back from Jarrett. I think that’s why he bothers me so much. I feel like I gave all of myself to him. More than I gave even with my first boyfriend, who I was with for five years. I think that’s why it hurt so much, and in a way still does. I feel like we could have been fantastic together. In the beginning I was so happy. I felt alive and accepted. He let me be me, fully, completely, unconditionally.

All I wanted in return was affection. Warmth. Touch. I don’t think that was wrong of me. But it didn’t work, so maybe it was? I don’t know, and following that train of thought is leading to painful emotions, which I would rather not deal with at work.

I suppose I really should stop procrastinating on my day and write this aggravating letter. >.<

I know all of this will still be in the back of my mind as I work. I’ll be musing about it for most of the day, for most of the next few days I’m sure until I can figure out what it means to me.

I hope I can find answers to myself.

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