Post 0052: Deep Thoughts

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It’s 3am. Joshua is asleep. Scarlet is asleep. I’m sitting in front of my computer thinking that I should be doing something a bit more constructive with my time, but the only thing I really want to do is write.

Yesterday was a rough day since I didn’t sleep much.

I really didn’t get anything done. Nothing major for work, nothing for school, not even really anything in the personal realm of things… that is unless you count reading and replying to blogs as being productive.

I’ve been poking around at WordPress more, and I’m trying to figure out why. Why does it seem to be calling to me more than my projects and responsibilities?

I’ve read some really awesome posts. Ones that I can really identify with. It’s like reading my own thoughts and emotions. I’ve replied to these posts, and the authors have replied back.

I have been thanked for my words, and told they have made a difference. Even from miles away, even without ever having met someone before, I was able to “make their day”.

It makes me feel connected. It makes me feel worth-while to know that I can affect someone in a positive way, specially when what they are going through is hard. When I have been in a situation similar to them, and I know how much pain and hurt can be involved. How alone the world can make you feel. How unfair and pointless life can seem when you’re in the thick of it.

And I know the difference a handful of kind words can make. How just the thought of knowing someone has gone through it and made it to the other side can change so much. How even though it still sucks, there’s hope; reassurance. Support.

I honestly don’t know where I’m going through right now.

Dad and I haven’t talked since our Facetime conversation. Which I don’t really think is a positive or a negative. It is a fact. I could have texted or called him, and vice versa. I really don’t have much to say or talk about. I don’t want to give him a detailed play by play of my life. And to be honest I don’t think he would want that.

How do you have a relationship with someone when the relationship isn’t a priority? Is that a shortcoming on our parts? Should it be a priority? Have we grown past the point where we could have anything more than friendly politeness?

If I ever marry I know he would not be the person to walk me down the aisle. I feel that makes me cruel. It is the father’s place to hand the bride away.

But he was never there. He wasn’t there for the band competitions. He wasn’t there to make sure boys treated me right. He wasn’t there to be my practice buddy for sports. And the four year old in side me still clutches her teddy bear and thinks that he didn’t love me. If he had, wouldn’t he have stayed? Wouldn’t he have tried to spend more time with me?

Being an adult doesn’t make the feelings go away. I understand where the feelings come from. I understand why they are there, and as frustrating as it is, I understand his choices. I understand where we are today, and how we got here.

But where do we go from here?

I love my mom. She is the best person on the face of the planet. She is my best friend, and I honestly feel like she did everything in her power to provide for John and I. She worked, cooked dinner, helped us with homework. She went back to school. She drove us to rehearsals.

She gave up so much of her time. She raised me to know right from wrong. She raised me to take responsibility for my actions and to work hard. She raised me to be respectful.

She raised me. She was there. She gave, and sacrificed.

He didn’t. He left.

That is a fact. And no matter how much I don’t like it, no matter how much it hurts, that fact doesn’t change. The truth doesn’t care if you like it or not.

It hurts a lot less than it used to, and I think the level of understanding I have now helps with that. But it still stings around the edges. Like a scar that is still healing; soft and sore.

The wound isn’t open and raw anymore. The bleeding has stopped and the skin has worked itself back together. You can move around again, but your body reminds you that you’ll never be the same, never like you were before.

I’m reflective right now. I’m very inside of myself, looking at my emotions, in large part due to the posts I have been reading. I have been given a glimpse into the lives of others, and that makes me look at myself. Where I am at, where I am putting my energy and effort.

And I come back to the question, “Am I happy?”

And my answer is, “I don’t know.”

I’m not unhappy. I don’t think I should be unhappy.

Then why is my answer not an automatic yes?

I have a stable job, I have a job I enjoy, I am taking Digital Art and Design classes for free, I have full time student status so my loans are in check, I have a stable living environment, I have a fairly new car, I am seeing my family over winter break, I have food and clothing, I am becoming healthier through exercise and better eating habits. My finances are getting back into balance.

Why am I not happy?

I think part of it is because I feel alone. I miss my friends. The people I become close to move away. But that is the nature of my job. People come for schooling, and once you graduate, you leave. You go off to start your own life and career. You don’t stay around.

And so I meet all of these wonderfully fantastic people, and in the end I am left saying farewell. I may never see them again. The people I want to be around, the people who would understand that I just want to sit in the same room, and not really talk, just be in their presence, the people who truly know me, aren’t here. And I feel that.

I feel it like emptiness inside of my chest. A heaviness. I can try to ignore it. I can keep myself busy, but it is still there, and the longer I ignore it the worse it will get. I know myself, I have experienced this before.

I want a hug, I want affection and to feel connected to my physical surroundings. I don’t feel like there is much keeping in me Florida. I don’t feel roots here anymore, and maybe that is part of the problem.

Part of me is an Elder tree, and right now I don’t feel grounded. I am on solid ground, yes. I am out of the negative situations, yes. But that does not mean my roots have taken hold.

I am here, I am existing. I am not part of my surroundings. I am sitting on top of the soil, waiting. I am not immersed. I have not taken root.

Do I just need to give myself more time? Do I subconsciously resist because I know sooner or later I will leave? Will I leave because I don’t allow myself to settle?

Joey gets married this weekend, and I won’t be there. A moment in time that will never be able to be experienced again, and I won’t be there due to finances. Because I can’t afford the trip, and I don’t have the time to take from work.

How is that fair? How is it that we must choose between key life moments and the noise that is the grind of daily life? The grind we are forced into; it’s not even what we would choose in most instances.

This will be a gap that will forever be between us now. I wasn’t there. Like my dad. A moment gone. A moment I can never share in.

I want to feel like I belong where I am. I want to feel like I am home, rather than in my room.

If home is where the heart is, then where is my heart?

Today is a run day. The weather is been cold and rainy, so I will most likely go to the gym to run inside. Perhaps that is what I need, a task that will let my mind be free to ponder itself.

Aside from the tiredness of yesterday, it was a day. Nothing exciting. I got 100s on all of my assignments last week. The final project hasn’t been graded yet since it doesn’t close until this evening.

I want to finish Joey’s wedding gift today. All of the design stitching has been done, just need to add some lettering to it. I should have a picture of the completed work before the weekend.

My grading is due today, so I have that to work on once I get the day moving.

I also have an idea for my final project for GR1, so I would like to get a block out created for that. I feel one of the reasons my last project wasn’t up to my standards we because I did not being working on it until Friday, and then had to binge all weekend to have something to turn in. I know working in smaller bursts will work better for me.

There are a handful of chores I also need to take care of like vacuuming. It is still so early in the morning though. Too early to do anything. 4am why must you tease me so?

I think I will curl back up in bed with Scarlet for a bit. Rest more, and then begin the day.

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