Post 0059: Bright eyed bushy tailed… said no one ever

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6am.

I’ve slept for roughly 12 hours.

I feel awake but still low. I remember back to just last week where I had lots of energy. Where everyday I was blasting through my to-do list. It’s hard not to get frustrated.

There was one point where I thought dating myself would be the best thing in the world. I cook, I clean, I’m super caring, I’m quiet and unobtrusive, I’m funny and playful, I have a variety of hobbies and interests.

And then I started dating Jarrett, who I believe is also an INFJ. And if that’s what it’s like dating myself, then I’m a ton of work.

I’m kind of thinking that right now. My logic side, the scientist, is also the mom. She’s trying to be patient and understanding, but she knows that the right side of me needs to sort of ‘snap out of it’, and the patient understanding-ness is drying up.

Soon it will move to tough love. Which will cause the right side of my brain, my four year old, to rebel just for the sake of being defiant. Because like every four year old, she’s an adult and knows what’s best for her.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to exist without this inner conflict. What would it be like to feel like one whole person rather than two, split down the center, constantly bickering with each other?

Do other people only have one voice in their heads? Or are there two, it’s just that they can’t hear one of them, or it’s not as loud as the other?

Am I actually mentally unstable like one of my exs said?

I don’t think I am. Both of the voices are my own, just different viewpoints. Like the angle and devil sitting on my shoulder.

My favorite example of that is from the Emperor’s New Groove. “It’s a robe!”

If I had nothing else going on and I had the whole day to myself, I would literally do nothing. I wouldn’t stitch, I wouldn’t read. I might go run. That actually sounds really nice. Being away from literally everything that reminds me of obligations.

The idea of going back to sleep sounds amazing as well. But I just slept 12 hours. How could I sleep more?

I don’t feel weak. I don’t feel sick. I feel tired, like I’m recovering. I unloaded and loaded the dish washer, and made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and I’m tired again.

My shoulders feel heavy. Sitting up straight is an effort, a task that I should add to my to-do list. That’s how much energy it’s taking me to stay awake. It’s something worthy of being added to other tasks like ‘vacuum the car’.

That seems so out of proportion. One task clearly is more involved than the other. But right now it doesn’t feel that way. Right now they are on the same left, and my body aches at the thought of both.

At least I have taken my vitamin today. I wonder if that has anything to do with my energy dips. I have been inconsistent with it for the past week.

Yesterday was a fairly good day. Lab was quiet as usual. I got donuts for my first lab for the last time. Clavan came in and we chatted for a bit. It wasn’t about anything super important.

Though that reminds me that I had a dream about my yearly review.

One of the things we have to do as staff members is “Continuing Education” or CE hours. Projects, training, conferences, etc. things that that show that we are continuing to grow as artists.

We have to get 16 CE hours over the course of a year.

In my dream I had a printout with 60 hours, before my DAD classes were even factored into it.

I need to email Donna and see what I need to do to have my classes accounted for, or if they are factored into something else.

I don’t think I’m at 60 hours. I think at most I would have 30ish.

Any way, Clavan was there for a bit. I didn’t work on my project. I know I need to. But it goes back to that whole “not wanting to do anything” mode that I’m in. Arg.

I saw Christopher as I was leaving work to clock out. He wanted to talk to me about the break room project I have going on. I ended up staying at school an extra four hours. It was super nice.

Christopher was in an open lab with Adam. Both of them are in the Modeling department, under Tim. So we were trading stories back and forth since I’m in the Technical Arts department.

My department is sort of like the black sheep of the pipeline. In the Modeling department, everyone knows how to model. In the Animation department, everyone knows how to animate. In Fine Arts, everyone knows how to draw and the concepts and theories behind creating compositions.

In the Technical Arts department we have Visual Effects, Shading and Lighting, Compositing, Rigging, and Scripting… yeah…

Just because I’m a mechanic, doesn’t mean I know how to fix your submarine.

That’s why the hiring freeze sucks so much. We’ve lost people in our department. And just because I can rig a character, doesn’t mean I know how to navigate through Nuke or composite a green screen element onto a back plate.

So yeah, all three of us were talking about the work environment and different things, and how Tim is super supportive of fixing up the break room for the lab staff.

There were a handful of students in the lab. One of them is actually super cool dude that I remember from when he was in CRI1. That’s really the reason I ended up staying at school for so long.

We eventually got onto other topics and some of the students jumped into the conversation, and before I new it it was super late and Christian and Adam were packing up to leave.

I left with them.

It was a really nice interaction. Lots of energy, I knew most of the people involved, and I was in a location that I was super familiar with. I enjoyed the conversation more than I would have enjoyed working on my project.

I had made plans to go to the store after work, since while I was in lab I had made all of my meal plans. I didn’t feel like doing it after the conversation though. It was getting dark, and it was rainy… again… I miss summer. ;-;

So I came home. I decided to take rest of the night for myself. I would have dinner, I would watch Tenchi Muyo, and I would relax.

I did cook dinner, which I think was my biggest accomplishment. I tried watching my show, but I got halfway through an episode and then went to sleep.

And now I’m awake, and about to go back to sleep.

I’m going to go to school to work once I wake up again. I know I’m not going to work well here since Joshua is home with a friend. Since it is Sunday I know not many students are going to be on campus, and because I’m staff I can get the key for one of the lab rooms and lock the door behind me, so I have the whole room to myself.

My own little bubble. That sounds really nice right now.

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