Post 0094: Fighting that green eyed monster

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I was supposed to post this last night, but then World of Warcraft happened, and I became a slacker at 5am and went to sleep instead. : D


I feel like I’m writing more out of obligation that because I have anything to really write about. I haven’t done much today, which may be why I feel it is an obligation.

It’s not something that I am resentful of. It’s not a chore. But it feels like I have done so little. The very least I could do is write something.

But then comes the question. What am I supposed to write about?

Um… I could just write about my day like I do for every other post… Why all of a sudden is writing a pressure?

I guess my brain is bored and needs someone to torment. Lucky for it there’s always me as a backup when no one else is around.

In all seriousness though today has been extremely low key.

Mom and I went out for lunch. I know I’ve written about this place before, but it was most likely on my old blog, or possibly even before that, somewhere in my Google Doc files.

Either way, there’s this little chain of restaurants called Ye Old Fashion in my hometown. There’s nothing really fancy about it. It’s pretty much a burger / ice cream parlor, thing… You can get fries, and BLTs, all sorts of yummy, home made, good old ‘American’ stuff.

One of the things they have is a Chef Salad. There’s nothing really special about the salad, just like there’s nothing special about any of their stuff really. But it is hands down the best salad I have ever had. Which sucks because the only time I can get it is when I visit home now.

So since I’m at home, mom and I went there to eat so I could fulfill my addiction.

We ate there, which was nice because it got us both out of the house for a little bit.

Her car was acting funny when we first tried going out. It wouldn’t shift out of park correctly. Come to find out, this isn’t the first time the car has acted up, and our mechanic actually already ordered the cable the car needs. Mom just hasn’t taken the car to get fixed…

So long story short, while we were eating lunch I made a deal with my mom.

If she called the mechanic and got the car taken car of before I left town, since I don’t want her to be stranded without a car, then I would fix all of the computer issues she wanted me to look into when we got home.

My mom is like me in the way that she would rather not have to talk to people if she doesn’t have to. And anything having to do with the car is a nightmare.

Well, I guess she really wanted me to get the computers fixed so she could print out coupons, because she pulled out her phone and made the phone call. XD

She even made a comment about how I “learned that lesson well.”

We’re going to be taking the car to get fixed up on Monday. The mechanic said it should only be a few hours, so we’re going to go couponing while it is being worked on.

The issues with the computers were actually super easy, at least for me. I needed to clean up my brother’s old computer since the browser was acting finicky. Deleted cookies and history and things seem to be acting fine now.

The other computer didn’t have Chrome on it, which is the browser my mom prefers to use now, so I got that installed and running for her. Even changed the background image of the desktop to a cute cat picture for her. She loved it, which made my day.

After that I stitched for a little bit. I’m missing 3 colors, of course… And they’re six hours away in Florida, so I made a deal with myself.

I guess today was the day for deal making…

If I finished working on my assignment, I could go out and get the thread that I needed guilt free.

So that’s what I did. I fixed up the few technical issues that I had, and made a few suggested changes from my instructor. Posted the assignment, and according to the rubric, I should be making around a 97. Though that is subjective, but it’s looking good. At least that is what I’m taking away from it.

So I’m officially on vacation now. No work or school for a solid week. And very little social obligations. Only the ones I arrange.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to see Warren #1.

I suppose that can be confusing for people, why there’s a Warren #1 and a Warren #2 is my posts.

My first boyfriend was Warren #1. And later, when I moved to Florida I started dating another guy named Warren. So to keep them seprated I gave them numbers.

Warren #1 and I dated for five years, and even talked about getting engaged. We ended up separating, not under good terms, and it took a lot, I mean, metric crap ton a lot, of effort on both our parts to salvage our relationship.

Six months after the break up I would still breakdown and cry just from typing “Hi” in response to his IMs. After a while I was able to say more than, “I need to go.” I’m glad we were able to work through the hurt. He still means the world to me.

He’s still one of my best friends, and his happily engaged to a mutual friend from high school.

We call each other when we need someone to understand what’s going on inside our minds. He still knows me better than I know myself most of the time. After all these years… It’s sort of creepy, but in a good way.

I don’t love him the way I did when we were dating. But I still love him deeply.

I am never good at explaining this. Most people think it’s wrong or weird. I shouldn’t have feelings for him anymore, especially when he is with someone else.

But I love my brothers. I love my mom. I love my cat. I love some of my co-workers. Love doesn’t have to be a romantic, undying commitment. And in the case of Warren, it’s not that type of love.

He’s one of the few people in my life I would take a bullet for. No questions asked. If he told me to jump I would, because I know he wouldn’t intentionally do anything to harm me.

And though we did hurt each other a lot during the break up, the whole situation was because we were young. I feel like we both have a better understanding of who we are, and I honestly think we weren’t meant to stay together. We were meant to learn from each other, and we both learned a lot.

I trust him. He is honorable, and I respect that quality in him.

We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow night. Those plans are only penciled in since we’re both super flakey. But tentatively there’s Chinese food involved, and lots of talking about significant others. Or in my case, the lack there of. I’m pretty sure I haven’t told him about the break up with Sir.

And I know he doesn’t know about me shaving my head… so it should be an interesting night full of stories and catching up. I’m looking forward to seeing my friend.

Sunday morning I’m supposed to have breakfast with Joey before he goes into work. I’m pretty sure we agreed on Waffle House. Which means tomorrow I need to finish off his cross-stitch.

I’ve been working on the one I started on the flight out to Vegas. I have all of the normal stitching done… finally. I did end up going out to get the thread that I needed, since I was a diligent student. All I have to do know is the backstitching. So once that’s done, I’ll finish off Joey’s, then I can finish off the September dragon, then I can work on Jace’s birthday present. The January dragon.

I didn’t do anything really physical today, which I think is why I feel a little guilty. I didn’t go running, no yoga, pretty much just slugged around. I’m most likely going to play some WoW in a little bit. Then go to sleep and not wake up to an alarm clock.

Tomorrow I want to rake the yard for my mom. I think that will make up for not doing anything today. It’s still cold here, which makes it hard to want to do anything other than curl up under a blanket.

I feel more myself though. Less sad.

I was able to talk to John last night while we were playing WoW, and I talked to him today on the phone for a few minutes since he called mom to talk about something. And I’ll most likely be seeing him online shortly for more WoW.

He flies back to Germany tomorrow.

While I was out having lunch with Nasse yesterday we walked over to Barns and Noble. There was a book he wanted to look into and we were literally right across from the store.

While we were there I bought a copy of Buddhism Plain and Simple. It was recommended to me by the Buddhism reddit page. It is my Christmas gift to myself. Since mom usually has the TV on I haven’t had much quiet time to read it. But since she works over the weekend I figure I will be able to get part way through it.

I need to finish Mocking Jay at some point. It’s pretty interesting.

Scarlet has forgiven me for boarding her for so long. She curled up with me last night and didn’t leave my side. It was really nice having her presence next to me again.

And as much as I don’t want to write about this, there is jealousy festering inside me that I need to get out. About Lio.

We both were overweight. She looks amazing now. I know she’s been working out, but so have I. And while I know I could have done better during the time I dated Sir, and all of the craziness of the breakup with Jarrett, I didn’t think I was doing terrible.

I wasn’t eating all that bad. And compared to what I was doing before my total 180 when I moved in with Clavan over a year ago, I was still doing freaking fantastic.

But when compared to Lio, it’s like I’ve lost nothing. She’s super slim, and model worthy, while I still have 60 pounds to go.

I can see different lines in my legs. I can feel the strength and difference in how I walk and carry myself. I have more muscle tone, and I know I am way, way healthier than was I was last time I say my family.

But it bothered me, a lot, to not have seen as much change in myself as what there was with Lio. And it’s been eating away at me since I got to Vegas.

Vain… I know. But it made me feel like I’ve been doing nothing. Or not doing nearly as well as what I could be. It left me feeling ugly and an embarrassment to my family. It made me feel like I was that one overweight person in the group of slender willow branches.

My mom and I were talking earlier today, and somehow Lio came up in the conversation and I asked did she lose all of the weight from diet change and exercise alone. And my mom said no.

I guess she was taking some sort of medication to help with the weight lose.

I feel so much better about where I am at now. And again, I know that is so horribly shallow of me, but I don’t know how to not feel those feelings of relief and satisfaction.

I understand that sometimes medication is needed, and I don’t look down on people for using it.

But in regards to myself, I think it is cheating. I didn’t get to the way I am through medication, so I’m not going to use it as an easy fix to get me to where I want to be.

In my head I want to become the person I want to be naturally. Through will, effort, and determination alone.

Knowing that I am going about the process a slightly different way than what Lio did makes me feel better. It’s different, so it may take longer, but I’ll still get there, and I’ll be happier for it because I did it the way that I wanted to.

Normally I’m not insecure about myself. I take pride in the things I eat, the things I do to better my body, and the places I put my time and effort. Normally I am happy with myself, so there aren’t bad feelings.

But thinking that I wasn’t doing well enough hurt internally. It is reassuring to know that I am doing fine. I just need to keep moving forward.

I still have a little bit of insecurity lingering inside from the trip, but not going running or anything today didn’t really give me anything that I could put positive points into on the physical side. The down side to being a slacker…

If I can get the yard racked tomorrow, and two of my cross-stitchings done I will be a happy camper.

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