I am conscious of how this is an ending post, and how 99 is an ending number. A number right before a turning, a new start. And that my nest post will be the first post of a new week, another new beginning.
I went back and read all of my posts from the beginning of my trip to now. Two weeks worth of writing. So much has happened. A lot of it was emotional.
I drove home, and broke down when I turned onto the parkway leading to my mom’s house. An event I have associated with the beginning of my spiritual healing.
I flew out to Vegas and spend an amazing week and a half with my family, taking pictures, going hiking, learning archery, getting sick. We watched Maleficent and played games. We cooked and ate amazing food.
I didn’t go to LA, and I am a little sad that I again will not see some of my best friends from college, but I have accepted it.
John and Nathan are getting a divorce, which I think is the best thing for them.
And I had a dream in which my emotional confusion is what led to the destruction of a romantic relationship.
I turned 26 this week. I had tons of messages on Facebook from so many people. My dad even sent me a text message. Sammie left me the most amazing voice mail saying how she was so happy that I was a part of her life, and we had a fantastic conversation on the phone later that day.
It made me realize how happy I am that she is in my life, too.
I have been spending a lot of time with my mom, not really doing much of anything other than existing in the same environment together. I will be staying here until the coming weekend, after Christmas.
Jarrett is being amazingly nice to me. I had a text message from his as well on my birthday saying he hoped I had a great day and explaining the situation with the bills and how he would have money for me when I got back into town.
His birthday is tomorrow. I hope it is a good day for him.
I saw Warren on my birthday, which has a whole post onto itself. I feel I have come to a conclusion about last night. I think we have both completely moved past the physically romantic aspect of our relationship. I think we both realize that we are now friends, and that the level of intimacy we had last night, which on a physical level, can be done, it is not what we truly need from each other.
It is not what our relationship is about anymore, and I think if we pressed it we would actually be causing damage to each other.
He said that why it felt good, he doesn’t think he wants a polyamorous relationship. He doesn’t think he could enjoy being with another person the way he enjoys being with Amber.
I respect that. Even understand it.
He asked me if I was ok. And I said that I honestly didn’t know. That I felt hurt, but that I knew that was neither of our intentions. I am feeling better. I am figuring out where the hurt is stemming from, why it’s there, and realizing it, acknowledging it makes it easier for me to sooth the hurt.
I was unable to sleep last night due to the feelings from my evening with Warren, which cased me to rain check my breakfast with Joey. We have plans for dinner tomorrow night. Hopefully still at Waffle House because I was actually looking forward to that.
Allision is in town, Mandie wants to hang out, and Nasse would like to hang out one last time before I leave for Orlando. Warren may want to hang out one last time to reaffirm that things between us are legitimately ok and that I’m not lying about my feelings.
It’s so frustrating to have people who know me so well. I should text him back and say something like, “Get out of my head Charles.”
On top of all of that I also did a few of the daily prompts.
Its pretty crazy to look back and realize how much has happened on an emotional level in the past two weeks. No wonder I have been so low key these past few days. I was starting to get frustrated with myself. But after re-reading my blog posts, I actually wouldn’t be surprised if I took a few more days to fully recoup.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new week. A new start.
I’m glad that it feels like I’m going to be making it a fresh, clean one.