Post 0102: Sleepless Night

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It is almost 5 in the morning. And still I’m not all that tired. By the time I am finished writing I’m sure it will be closer to 6.

I have finished Mocking Jay. I can’t say that I am really satisfied with the ending. There are so many questions left unanswered. Though in a way it is a very realistic ending. No one would ever be the same after going through events like that.

And though I am not glad that Katniss continued to have nightmares and to struggle with the emotional and mental ramifications of her ordeal, it is a real life ending. It makes her human and someone, at least I myself, can identify with.

In a way I also think the only person she could have ever ended up with was Peeta, since he is the only other person to have gone through the ordeal with her.

Overall not a bad book series, though I can’t say it is my favorite. I’m not sure what I will start next. I have my Buddhism book, though it is not an audio book, so I cannot listen to it while I stitch.

I think I might listen to Game of Thrones next. We’ll see.

I’m supposed to see Allison today. She’s one of the few people from high school I still talk to. And the only female friend I had for years until a few girls from college wormed their way in.

I used to think of her as my best friend and in a way she still is. I have had experiences with her that cannot be replaced by anyone else, but as far as closeness and understanding, I feel I have a deeper connection with Mother Earth now.

It makes me wonder if that’s because I stay in touch so little with Allison now. And I am a little disappointed in myself for that. I feel in some ways I am very much like my father. If people aren’t in my immediate physical world I tend to lapse in my communication with them.

Work always seems so much more pressing. Deadlines I have to meet, assignments that need to be finished. There’s no time for a quick message here. A phone conversation there.

It’s hard enough to do the things I need to do, let alone socializing on top of that.

That’s how my brain rationalizes it. I’m so busy.

Yet I think about the hours I have played Warcraft these past few weeks and I know that deep down that I’m lying to myself.

The real answer is that most of the time I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like being social. I feel like a dark little gremlin in a cave, hiding in the gloom behind a rock, hissing at people if they get too close.

Or a finicky cat, only interested in being petted on my own terms.

It’s not very fair to the relationship, and now I’m left wondering how I have any friends at all.

I had just come to terms with my slight anxiety over seeing Allison for lunch when I got a text message from her. She is at her grandparents’ house for the holidays. Her mom, and I believe her dad as well, are both in town. The whole family, together.

They really want to see me. They think of me as their ‘other daughter’. And I love them dearly. But I was not expecting my day to be so social. It is a much bigger event that I thought it would be, and I am not sure if I am ready for so much.

There will be so many questions.

Why did I cut my hair? What have I been up to? How is work? Do I have anything planned for the new year?

I don’t have gifts for anyone. What if they give me something? I have nothing to offer in return. I’ll feel so terrible and out of place even though I know that is not what they intend.

It will be the first time that I meet Bob, Allison’s boyfriend. I’m not sure if they are engaged. I don’t think they are. I think I would remember something like that.

I’m trying not to think about tomorrow. But I feel that is one of the reasons I am still awake. Worry.

Pointless, silly worry.

But those thoughts are there, and they won’t settle down and be still. They keep dancing, swirling, running up and down my arms keeping me up. And so I have stitched and listened to my book.

I finished the small cross-stitch I had with me. The New Year sampler from 2014. It took me a year to get around to stitching it, but at least I finished it this year. I’ve even started stitching Jace’s present, though I am missing several threads for it.

I suppose I can buy those on my way to see Allison. My treat for being strong and not backing out of seeing her. I can’t do that. This is my only chance. I don’t know when the next time will be. I have to take this opportunity even though it is so much more than what I thought it would be.

Not a small quiet thing. But a large, full day, full of people, new people, and so many questions.

I’m making it worse than what it will be. I’m focusing on the things that bother me, that dig at me and make me want to hide.

I need to focus on my breathing. I need to focus on the calm.

Running would help I think, but dawn is still a few hours away. I suppose after this I’ll go back to stitching. Focusing on how the treads cross. Figuring out which stitch to do next. What the best path would be to take with a certain color.

Something quiet. Something internal.

I can see my four year old inside me, holding her teddy bear, looking up at me with pleading eyes, begging to not have to do it. I wish I understood this aspect of myself better.

I had a pretty fantastic day today. Mom and I got the car from the mechanic. They replaced the gearshift, and everything works fine now. So no need to worry about mom getting stranded somewhere.

We had Moe’s for lunch, which is ‘our’ place.

I normally have a special place associated with specific people. Everyone has a song. A color. Different things that remind me of them.

While I share Moe’s with several people, or will recommend going there to friends, it will always be my mom’s place.

I went to Walmart at 6 to get a bag and tissue paper for Joey’s gift, and then met with him at 6:30 for Waffle House.

The food was amazing. And the conversation was great. He loved his gift, which made me happy.

We have plans to meet Friday night, so Katy and I can finally meet each other. It’s odd that Joey is married but I have never even said hello to his wife. I think I will be ok with that encounter though.

I had a message from my dad today. Just a quick little text. This is the most that we have been in contact with each other in years. I’m not sure how I feel about it. At the moment I feel as if my hairs are on end. I’m not defensive or anything. But I am extremely aware. Cautious. Tense, I think, is another word I would use to describe this feeling.

I’m waiting, for something. But I don’t know what. Waiting to see what happens I guess.

I went out and got my mom and I mocha frappe-ajlfkjdaitjoitanl, or whatever they are called.

I’m left thinking of the Dunken Dounut commercial… “My mouth can’t form these words.”

It is some chocolate coffee drink from McDonald’s that my mom really likes. Honestly I wanted one, and I told her that if she wanted one I would go get them. Otherwise I would just stay at home and suffer… in silence…

I admitted that really, I just wanted her to be my enabler.

She was more than happy to give me a reason to go get them. I can always count on mom. ; )

I came back, we chatted for a while. I got the text from Allison. Then mom went to bed, and I stayed up, antsy. Listening to my book and stitching to pass the time and to try to make myself tired, but to no avail.

I replied to a few WordPress posts, and re-watched a presentation I did several months ago. Even now my words still speak to me.

Am I happy?

I think so. I think I’m happier than what I was.

Am I where I want to be?

I don’t know. I suppose I’ll never know if I never give myself a destination.

Where do I want to be?

Safe.

Not having to think about moving in April.

Financially stable.

Content. With myself. With life.

I have given myself goals, but I still have no real end goal.

I have been thinking about the third degree that I want. The Computer Software Engineering degree. I have been thinking about switching it for a teaching degree. So I could teach on the high school level. At least I think that’s how it would work. I honestly know very little about it. I would have to dig around and research.

I want my hand tattoos so badly as well. I’m so close to being able to get them. So incredibly close to reaching those goals.

I don’t have much else to write about. And at the moment I feel tired, calming for having written, but I worry that when I lay down the questions will start looping again.

I have gotten better about being able to still them. But sometimes they still win. I don’t want them to win today.

And though I want sleep, I don’t want vivid dreams. Like the last one I had.

I think sleep will win right now. But I don’t know. And I’m left tired but still on edge. I don’t know what to do to ease it.

I wish I were able to end this on a better note. But all I feel is uncertainty. I won’t know until I try, but part of me doesn’t want to. Maybe it would just be easier to be super tired. Keep stitching and finish another project. Or stay awake until I can run and hope the exercise sooths this discord inside me.

Maybe I’ll find peace by cuddling with Scarlet for a little while.

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