That’s how I think of the days before I travel. They are my days to prepare. To make sure I have everything packed. That I’m not forgetting my phone charger, or something else that would ruin my life if I left it behind.
I have laundry I need to do while I am at mom’s house, and it’s free. The sun is out so I should be able to rake the yard. I have arranged to have lunch with Nasse one last time before I leave tomorrow afternoon. And I am currently trying to arrange plans to meet with my cousin so I can give her birthday present to her.
I also am supposed to meet Joey and Katy tonight, though it will be a brief meeting since Joey doesn’t get off work until late.
I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I can feel how much I want to return back to my routines.
I want to go to my gym. I want to run my bike trails. I want to have coffee at my table. And cook with my skillets. I want a fridge that actually has veggies and fruit inside of it.
I want things that are familiar. Things that I feel belong to me, or are a part of me. I want to be in my environment.
Mostly, I want to start working on my goals for 2015.
I looked over the battle plan that I made for January and I am excited to begin work on it. There are several things I can do in this coming week to help launch me forward towards what I think will be a successful outcome.
One of the things I will be looking into is Fredanator, which could lead to revenue for me. They are a company who runs ads on Youtube channels, specifically animation channels, which is a sphere my tutorials and podcasts fit into. I would be shown alongside channels like Simon the Cat.
I would keep 75% of all revenue.
This has the possibility of being extremely beneficial move for me.
I still need to get some answers. I haven’t signed anything yet, and it’s not official. But it would give me a reason to produce new content. It would help me gain more followers, it would help me push myself, and it would feel like there is a reason to do it.
A solid, legitimate, almost tangible reason. Not a nebulous, “Because it would make me a better person,” reason.
I could use all of the money earned to go towards my debt. Extra money to help me reach the main goals I have for myself.
On the topic of money, I just got done paying my bills for this paycheck.
I normally would have done it last Friday, payday, but I didn’t feel like it, and nothing had to be paid. I purposefully gave myself permission to not worry about it until today, my prep day.
Today is a day for responsibility, not the days of my vacation. Those were days for rest and healing. For letting go and not having to worry about life and money, about trivial things that in the end mean nothing.
Those were days meant to spend with family and friends, not sitting behind my computer balancing a budget that in all seriousness didn’t have to be done.
So, I released those thoughts and did not pick them back up until today.
I have actually done surprising well.
According to my numbers I should have enough money to pay off the credit card with Warren this coming Friday. $250 left.
I should also have the extra $100 I need to switch my phone over from Sir’s plan.
Two of my most immediate goals are just days away from being realized. Two ties to my past that I can remove and finally be free from. While I may still talk to Warren #2 or Sir on days like yesterday, wishing them well, they will no longer have any sort of hold over me.
I will no longer have an obligation, a debt. They will no longer be a point in my life I must plan around.
I would be able to get my tattoos.
And the apartment with Jarrett. The lease ends at the end of January. The power is already scheduled to be turned off. The Notice to Vacate is signed and turned in.
It will happen. The lease will end. It’s just a matter of time. One month. Sweet, sweet closure within my grasp.
The only thing I worry about is getting the Internet equipment back from him. He has been kind recently, so I imagine things in life are going well for him, but I know how easily he can turn mean. How he can dig his heels in just for the sake of not allowing the other person to have an easy time of it.
In my mind I view it as spiteful. He is suffering so everyone must suffer with him.
He still has my microwave, my tablet, my trashcan. I believe there was something else though I can’t remember it. The $600 he still owes me. That’s something. It would be amazing to believe I will ever see that money again.
But I don’t. And that’s not even all of it. That’s just what I am owed since I started tracking. What I can prove he didn’t pay.
Jarrett has money to give me when I return for the power and Internet bill that he’s behind on. That makes me feel good. At least he’s trying. Which is more than what he did in the months leading up to our break up.
Even getting a small portion of what I am owed, the money for the accounts, would be fantastic.
And then at the end of January he will no longer have any hold over me. I will be truly free of all of the chains and obligations to my past.
So close. So tantalizingly close.
All of these goals and ambitions I have, all of these opportunities I want to look into, start with going back home. Back to Orlando. Which starts with today, making sure I am ready for the journey back.
I have so enjoyed my time with my family. I feel better and less alone. I’m not sure how long this feeling will last. I’m not sure if I will return to my feelings of isolation once I am away from the physical contact.
But, in this moment, I feel ready.
I feel like I can do it.
This reminds me of a picture that I saved forever ago. An image among many, stashed in my folder of inspirational sayings.
I am going to succeed because I’m crazy enough to think I can.