So I guess now is as good a time as any to sit and write. At least then I’ll have most everything off of my mind.
So the last I remember fully writing about ‘life’ and not emotional history, I was having anxiety over seeing Allison and her family.
It was a fantastic visit. I got to see her parents, and they had a Christmas gift for me. Watercolor pencils. ❤
I got to hang out with Bob for a little bit, Allison’s boyfriend, and basically it was a full day of catching up on life. I didn’t leave until fairly late. Dinner was amazing, and I need to remember to get the cauliflower recipe from Allison’s mom at some point.
Overall, I worried about nothing, like I knew I was.
The next day was Christmas Eve. I needed to get some thread for cross-stitching, which meant I had to go out into the craziness for it. And of course the first store I went to didn’t have the thread I needed, so I had to go all they way into North Charleston near the mall…
Ugh. Shoot me now.
I was able to get mom and I lunch though, so it was worth the effort.
Lets see. After that it was Christmas, so I spent the day alone. Mom was working. I slept most of the day and cross-stitched.
Friday I was supposed to see Joey, and then Saturday I was supposed to leave to go home.
Instead, I ended up changing my plans.
My cousin Mandie was able to hang out Friday night, so I rain checked with Joey for Saturday, which worked out better because he got off work earlier that day, which meant we would be able to hang out more.
So Friday night I ended up hanging out with Mandie and Travis, her fiancé.
They just got a new house in the middle of nowhere so they could have land for their horses. At the end of their drive way, literally across the street is a bar. Nothing fancy. Just a small building with tables and food, so we got dinner and a few drinks.
I’m normally not one for drinking. I have to feel really comfortable with the people I’m with, and I have to know that I’m safe. I have a place to go, I don’t have obligations to worry about. Things are taken care of. That sort of a thing. Otherwise I’ll worry and not enjoy myself.
I love my cousin, and we always have an amazing time when we hang out.
I was under the impression that we were just grabbing food for a bit and then I would be driving back to my mom’s house. So when she offered to buy me a second drink I said no thank you, and explained that if I had another I wouldn’t be ok to drive for a while.
She said, “I have a couch,” with a mischievous smile. And that’s when I knew that it was going to be a good night. About halfway though my second drink one of Mandie’s neighbors came over to the table and sat down with us.
He seemed pretty cool. An older gentlemen named James.
He was super fun to listen to. I would say talk, but I didn’t talk much while we were at the bar.
Go go introversion.
No one seemed to mind that I was being quiet. When someone asked me a question I answered, and when I had something I wanted to say, I said it. I was totally cool with just sitting back and being present. Enjoying in the energy around me.
We ended up staying at the bar until it closed down at 2am.
Once the bar closed we ended up going to James’ house, which was only one street over from the bar. Super close to Mandie’s house.
I became a bit more social there since there wasn’t the loud music and the other people.
There were a few shots taken, though I didn’t have any. It was straight Jack, which most likely would have killed me. I can hold my own, but I would rather my drinks taste good, rather than being liquid fire.
I have to add this in. James has an amazing house. The kitchen is gorgeous with dark granite counters and counter space that goes on for days. When we first got there Mandie and I asked if we could walk through the house, which James didn’t have an issue with.
The master bathroom was unbelievable. It was crazy to think that James had this amazing house and lived alone.
For a while we were all hanging out in the kitchen. Mandie and Travis left the room, Mandie wanted to show Travis the master bathroom. It seriously was that amazing.
Anyway, that left James and I alone.
There was something about him. It felt like an unspoken understanding. I had felt it when he sat down at the table at the bar.
And then we were alone, and even though I was tipsy, I hadn’t had a drink since we had left the bar, so I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t uncomfortable with the situation. I wasn’t worried about being left alone with a stranger.
In fact it felt nice.
He said that he wanted to try kissing me and I said that I wanted to try it, too.
He didn’t make any sort of move on me before then. He treated me with respect the whole evening. And even when we kissed, that’s all it was. No lines were crossed.
The kiss was fantastic.
There wasn’t any hang ups involved, no relationship issues between us. It was just about the experience.
He said he liked kissing me. And I’m pretty sure I was blushing when I admitted to enjoying the kiss as well.
When Mandie and Travis were ready to go home I stayed with James. And in all honestly it was one of the best things about my vacation.
We sat on the couch after everyone had left and talked for hours. Literally. Not exaggerating in the slightest.
He told me all sorts of awesome stories about when he was in the Navy. How he was on a nuclear submarine, and how he went to Japan and all sorts of amazing places.
He told me about his most recent relationship and how he was with a woman for five years who never let him be himself. Something that I can relate all to well to.
It wasn’t just about a hookup.
I asked if he did this often, bringing strange girls home from the bar. And he said no. He could have been lying, but I don’t think he was.
I asked, “Why me, then?”
I didn’t mean it as an insensitive question. I was genuinely curious. What was it about me that made him do something different?
He said he just knew. And I knew what he meant because I had known, too. It was a feeling. This was supposed to happen and it wasn’t a bad thing. Him wanting me to stay, and my staying, didn’t make either of us bad people.
He knew that I didn’t live in the area, that I was a teacher who lived in Florida. That I was visiting. We both knew that a relationship wasn’t what we wanted. In fact, we wanted nothing from each other.
That was very freeing, knowing that there weren’t expectations. It felt so organic, and conversation came so easily. I didn’t feel silly or looked down on. He easily could have made me feel that way with our age difference, but he made me feel like an equal.
It did lead to more, and for the first time in what feels like a very long time my experience was spiritually fulfilling as well as physically satisfying. It felt right and pure.
I don’t regret it.
It took Mother Earth talking to me for me to realize why even though I was ok with my actions, why I was still sort of worried over the situation. Anxious.
I was worried about what other people would think of me. Because I know there are people who will think less of me, and that bothers a part of me.
But in all honesty, it doesn’t matter what others think. It is my life, my choices, and my consequences. If I am happy, then what does it matter if someone disagrees with what I do?
I have harmed no one, endangered no one. Morally I have done nothing wrong. So the tension I was feeling, the worry, was unfounded.
Realizing that helped.
Maybe part of it is that even though I didn’t feel like a bad person, I needed to know that the people close to me didn’t think I was a bad person.
I didn’t think less of me. I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But does that really mean that I’m not a bad person? I have been wrong in the past about things. Could I have been wrong about this situation?
Having someone else, from the outside, talk over the situation logically with me really helped me solidify within myself that, no, I’m not bad. I am making my own choices, and that’s ok. They don’t have to work for everyone. They have to work for me.
So I stayed. And I am happy I did.
One of the things he said to me was to be myself. And that made me feel so warm and accepted.
It made me feel understood. Which is all I ever really want.
In the morning we talked more, we watched a bit of TV and napped. Eventually he needed to go into town so I was going to leave. I had packing and stuff to do anyway since I was leaving the next day.
He actually asked me for my number, and said that if I was ever in town to let him know. He hugged me goodbye before we got into our cars to leave and said thank you.
I don’t care how silly it makes me sound, but I thought that was the kindest thing he could have done.
I had been worrying that I would be kicked out in the morning, or that it would be awkward because it was just an alcohol induced tryst. But no, it wasn’t. It had meant something to him, just like it meant something to me and we were both thankful for the experience.
That was what my Cliché post was about. This encounter.
I am grateful for the memories and the experience, and if we happen to see each other again I can’t lie, a very large part of me would be happy. But I understand that we are in two different worlds and that this may have been my only experience with James.
I’m happy for what it was.
I feel written out. I feel the warmth of acceptance still from my experience, and having written about it brings back those feelings of being understood.
I think I will end here, and save everything else for another post. This experience deserves its own page in my book of memories.