Lets see if I can remember everything that happened yesterday.
I slacked around during the morning. It was supposed to be a run day, but I felt the better option would be to take one more rest day. My body was feeling way better than Saturday, stronger. But I could still feel aches and my shines where in a dodgy place.
It felt like I would start the workout fine, but then regret my choice if I went running or opted to do weights. So I let myself have yesterday as well.
What? A full weekend? Blasphemy!
I cross stitched for a while and listened to Eldest. I’m about halfway through the book and almost done with the Dragon of Compassion. Only part of the lower body left and then some back stitching.
Eventually I went grocery shopping, around 1ish I believe. That was an ordeal…
I guess something was going on yesterday. A lame football game that required literally EVERYONE within a 50 mile radius to be at MY Publix while I was trying to prepare for the coming week…
I didn’t even know it was Super Bowl Sunday until I was talking with my cashier and I mentioned how busy they were. He was super pleasant and we chatted the whole time he rang me out.
I like it when I get a person who actually talks to me rather than going through the motions. It made the not so fun trip better.
While I was leaving Publix I noticed that a Hair Cuttery had opened in the same plaza. Not that I need a haircut or anything… What with me not having hair and stuff. I really aught to update my profile picture to reflect that.
I have, however, been kicking the idea of getting my eyebrows treated.
Admitting to this makes me feel vain. And normally I do take care of them myself. But it’s sort of like a treat to get them done professionally every once in a while. I honestly can’t remember the last time I did. I think it was before I dated Sir, so over six months? Maybe longer.
I’ve been thinking about it for weeks. I kept telling myself, “Next payday,” and then when Friday came I never did it.
Well, there I was, out and about, and I just so happened to be right in front of a place that would do it for a fair price… Not doing in seemed like it would be slapping myself in the face.
Brain – “Hey, I know I said I would do this for you. But, funny story… I lied. And I’m not going to do it. So you can go ahead and sit in your corner by yourself and feel bad. Have a nice day!”
Me – “But… you said we could do this…” /sad face
I’m pretty sure that’s how the conversation would have gone inside of my head if I hadn’t gone in.
So I parked the car, went in, and added my name to the list. There was one person ahead of me, but when it was my turn the hairdresser said that she, personally, wouldn’t be able to do my brows. She didn’t want me to think she was skipping me and that the next available person would see me.
I told her that was fine. I didn’t mind. I got to sit for longer in the sunshine and listen to the music that was playing.
I eventually was seen by the assistant store manager.
She was super nice. She kept making comments about how I was naturally cute, which made me blush, though I am proud that I was able to say thank you rather than pushing the comments away like I would have in the past.
Through the conversation it came out that I don’t wear makeup except for rare occasions, and how I don’t like putting a lot of time into my appearance. No hours in front of the mirror, or tons of money on different products.
She said it’s always the ones who don’t try who are the cutest.
Looking back at it I wonder if she was hitting on me. I don’t think she was though. She seemed like an extremely warm and caring person, and someone who called things how she saw them.
She ended up having to leave me a handful of times to help out another employee at the register. When she finally came back she said in a low voice, “Your brows are free. So free. Don’t even worry about it.”
I was uncomfortable with that and asked if I would still be able to at least tip her. She had done such an amazing job. I have pretty sensitive skin, so it’s not a fun process for me, and my brows came out fantastic and I love them, even if there is a small part of me who feels guilty for enjoying something so superficial.
She talked to me the whole time about her husband, how she’s a mom. We talked about my new aikido endeavor, which she was super interested in. We talked about faith and how we both feel that you shouldn’t have to go to church every Sunday at a specific time to prove to the world that you’re a ‘good person’.
How you shouldn’t need religion to be ‘good’ and to treat others well. That faith is internal and as long as you are at peace with what you are doing, then what the rest of the world thinks shouldn’t matter.
Lots of deep stuff while wax was ripped off of my face…
She said as long as she didn’t have to run my card, if I had cash, then I could tip her. So she broke one of the $20s I had left over from grocery shopping and I gave her a $5. Over a 50% tip.
We actually ended up exchanging email addresses because we got along so well.
When I got home I emailed her as a way to reach out, offering to hang out whenever she wasn’t busy, or to go with her to the dojo if she didn’t want to go alone.
I haven’t received a reply yet, but as a wife and mom I’m sure she’s not glued to her email account the same way I am. So we’ll see where that goes. I would really like to get to know her more, though. Her stories were interesting, and she seems ‘real’. Genuine.
Maybe finding a handful of friends to connect with again would be good for me. Maybe that is the next step in this process of returning to my roots. Planting new ones. New, healthy connections.
Speaking of ‘returning to my roots’. I messaged Jarrett yesterday asking, again, if he and the roommate were able to sign the release form.
He messaged me Friday, asking if I had turned the Internet off, to which I said yes. I had scheduled it to be turned off when he told me he was leaving the apartment.
He, personally, never told me he was staying. I didn’t know about that until Kari called me saying that they had paper work in and she would let me know if they were approved.
I didn’t even know I was supposed to sign the release form until, once again, Kari called me and let me know what was going on.
Since I was going to be taken off the lease I didn’t cancel the request because it would no longer be my apartment, and because there is a large part of me that is tired of bending to him.
I wanted to close the accounts since I moved out, what, last July-ish? But he never worked with me. He never opened his own accounts so I wasn’t able to close mine without being ‘the bitchy ex’. So I left them open. And then he started not paying for the accounts.
So no. I’m not going to keep them open for you. Figure it out like I had to. Like what ever other adult has to.
When I told him the account was closed, and why he replied with ,”Oooohhhh,”. Right after I received his message I asked about the paper, but he never replied. Which drives me insane.
I know you have your phone. I know you’re looking at it. And I know you’re ignoring me. Fucking man up and send me a reply. It’s a yes or no question. Just give me something, anything, to go off of.
If you don’t sign that paper we’re screwed. I’m screwed. Let me know what’s going on in my life rather than keeping me in the dark.
So since I didn’t hear anything back from him, I sent him another message Sunday morning asking when I could get the internet equipment back from him. I’m supposed to return it soon so I don’t have to pay for it. I wasn’t really holding my breath on getting a reply.
But I did end up getting one. He said he would return it to me when he had time…
Ok, so when would that be? Today, tomorrow? Never?
I asked if he had an idea of when that would be, and if he was able to sign the paper with the new guy.
His reply was, “no, yes”.
So I replied with, “k”.
I have no idea when I’m going to get the equipment. I have already turned in my key so I can’t get into the apartment. And I’m off the lease so Kari can’t open the door for me.
But I’m off the lease.
It’s over. The accounts are off. Even if I have to pay for the equipment, I think I’m ok with that.
Jarrett is out of my life.
It doesn’t feel real yet. I think partially because I know he’s going to message me once he gets the notice from the office saying the power account isn’t in our name anymore and that he has to fix that or be evicted.
Not my problem now. He knew it was going to be shut off. If he hasn’t taken care of it yet, that’s on him. I don’t have to agonize over my rental history anymore because of his irresponsibility. But I know he’s going to lash out at me if he hasn’t taken care of it.
He’s going to blame me rather than taking responsibility for his life and actions.
So while I feel freer than I did, I don’t think it’s over. I don’t think he’s fully gone. And until I get the email from Kari I don’t think it’s going to feel 100% real. Right now I have to go off of what Jarrett said, and I don’t put much faith in his words anymore. I don’t think he would lie about this, though.
So that happened yesterday.
Once I came home from the grocery trip I cooked most of the meals for the week. I was $40 under budget, which once again is awesome. I have a full tank of gas, money for laundry, rent and car insurance have been paid. So pretty much everything expense wise is taken care of.
The only thing I might still do is get a new pair of earrings.
I have a habit of playing with the balls that screw onto the ends. I guess one time I didn’t tighten it back enough, so the ball fell off and the ring came out at some point. I have no idea where though, so I lost it.
I’ve only had one earring for a really long time, over six months. So I feel it’s time to get a new set. Maybe I’ll do that today while I’m out for the gym.
I stitched for a while longer, listening to more of my book. Eventually I was hungry, but I didn’t want to eat any of the food I had just made. That’s already accounted for. I need it for during the week, so I didn’t really have anything planned for dinner.
I made a post on Facebook saying, “Dinner ideas… go!”
And I got so many cute and loving messages from my friends.
Joey replied in his typical helpful fashion saying, “food!” to which I replied, “Oh! I got it! Edible food!”
My older brother replied with, “Steak!” And I commented on how if I got steak it would be a poor substitute for his.
Jin replied with how it needed to be me and him at our Thai place getting Green Curry and having ‘girl talk’. I replied with “Where are you when I need you Jin? ;-;”
He commented back saying, “On the other side of the country wondering the same thing.”
I had to get out of the house them. Joshua and Susan were home, and I needed to cry, hardcore.
And that’s what I did. I got in my car, and as I was leaving the apartment complex I let myself cry in the darkness, alone where I wouldn’t have to worry about not having someone over hear me.
It wasn’t that I as super sad or depressed. Or overly alone feeling.
I love my friends, and their comments reminded me of how they love me back, and how I miss them and wish that they were here with me, or that I was with them. There was a little bit of pain, but there was a lot more warm feelings that icky ones, and basically ALL emotions for me are tears.
I’m learning to accept that about myself more. Being exposed to other INFJs and HSP has helped me view it as just another part of who I am. Much like having blue eyes, or freckles. I can’t change how my brain is wired any more than I can change my genetics.
I can accept myself, or I can rage against it and be miserable for the rest of forever, because it’s not something that can change.
I would rather accept myself, and so that’s what I’m trying to do.
I didn’t think of myself as weak, or childish. I didn’t berate myself like I used to for ‘crying for no reason’. I had a reason. I missed my friends and I felt loved and the emotions were really strong and that’s how they wanted to be expressed.
There wasn’t anything wrong with that. It wasn’t weak. It wasn’t silly. At least not for me.
Maybe for other people it would be. But I’m not other people, so that doesn’t matter. I wasn’t hurting anyone by being in my car, dealing with what I was feeling in a healthy way. I wasn’t harming myself. I was doing what would naturally make me feel better.
And I did feel better afterwards. Calmer, more stable and solid. Clean. Like my spirit had been washed.
My mom actually called me during my driving around. She talked to me about her day, which she said was awful. She told me about the amazing deals she was going to get at the store with her coupons.
I told her about my day, about my potential new friend, about the Facebook messages and how I had cried.
She said that I come by that honestly because she would have done the same thing. It’s nice talking to someone who understands. It makes me feel validated. That I’m not overly emotional, and that I’m still logical and sane, at least most of the time.
I told her that I still didn’t know what to get for dinner. And she didn’t have much for suggestions.
I ended up going to Arby’s. I have so many awesome memories of getting lunch there with my mom and grandmother. I would always, without fail, get a roast beef sandwich with curly fries and a sweet tea.
I got something new last night, though. A brisket sandwich. I don’t’ know why I got something different. Just felt like it I guess. I was still happy for the warm memories going there brought back.
There was also a new milk shake, one made with Andes’ mints. I use those in my hot chocolates, and again they bring back memories of my grandmother because she is the one who used to put the mints in my chocolate when I was little.
So I got a small shake to go with dinner. No guilt or anything. I enjoyed every calorie.
I came back home. Ate. And went to sleep shortly after that. Around 10:30. Crazy, super early for me.
I was awake at 5am, kicking the idea of going to the 7am aikido class around. But I think I’m going to wait until I have a few more beginning classes first.
I felt bad for my partner last time. I’m still so new that I don’t know a lot of the moves, and I feel that I took away from her experience. I know I am welcome at those classes, and they encouraged me to show up to anything I wanted to. But I think I will wait a little bit on those.
There’s a spin class today at the gym at 9:30 which I’m going to go to. And there’s mixed martial arts at the dojo tonight at 7 I believe, so I want to go to that one. The beginner’s class is tomorrow evening.
I’m going to hold off on running again until this coming Sunday to let my shins heal up more. I feel with all of the stuff I will be doing between the gym and the dojo, that I won’t be missing out on much by not running.
I still need to do my weekly saga post, and I would like to do a monthly recap.
I’ve also been kicking the idea of renumbering some of my blog posts, the ones that started in January. Mother Earth did that with hers, starting back at zero for the new year.
I like that idea. And I think I will steal it. Muahahahha. I love you Mother Earth! ❤
I need to assess my January goals, since I know I met most of them, but not all. And I need to start looking at February’s goals so I can make my game plan.
I haven’t mapped out my day yet, but labs don’t start until tomorrow, so I essentially have a free day today once again. I would like to finish my cross stitch, and structure my month out. I also have my new class for Digital Arts and Design to look into.
I need to get going for now though, otherwise I’ll be late to spin class.