Daily Post 0050: Clear Lines

Standard

Once again a significant post lines up with a significant number. I feel this is right on some weird level in my brain. This was meant to happen now.

It’s 9:30. I woke up a little while ago. My phone died yesterday evening and I never bothered to go to my car to get the charger. I don’t have to be anywhere until 1, so there was no need to set the alarm.

I woke up on my own and stayed in bed for a while. It feels like I haven’t done that in a while. Enjoyed the morning without having to rush somewhere.

Yesterday was a crazy day, and I’m surprised I’m as recovered from it as I seem to be.

I had CRI1 lab which was fine. I got to finish setting up the rig for my character and started weight painting.

I suppose I should explain that a little since I keep tossing jargon into my posts.

Rigging, or character setup, is the process of taking a 3D model and giving it a skeleton so it can move around and be animated. There’s two big parts that go into this process. 1) Creating the rig and actually putting the bone structure into the character. 2) Getting the 3D model to move with the skeleton.

The second part, getting the character to interact with the skeleton is known as weight painting. I tell the 3D model what parts of the character should listen to certain joints and move around. That way the left hand joint doesn’t effect the right thigh.

Trust me, you see some pretty screwy stuff in 3D Land.

Weight painting isn’t hard. In fact once you get used to the tools and have a general workflow down it’s pretty mindlessly easy. It basically turns into 2 to 24 hours (depending on the model) of jamming out to music.

The most annoying part to weight paint, at least for me are the fingers. What’s cool though is as long as the 3D model is symmetrical, you can paint one side of the body and then use a specific tool to mirror, or flip, the weighting to the other side, so you really only have to do half the character as long as you do it well.

So that’s the stage I got to during lab.

At 11 Desiree came in and we brainstormed and talked a bit about an interface she is doing for Marc. We talked about usability and getting the base functionality established, and then areas we could look at pushing the tool further once she reached her first mile stone.

Tre came in during that so we talked about code for a while once Desiree and I were done talking. We talked about the PCC critiques, and our freelance. All sorts of stuff. But I didn’t get a chance to work on the project further due to the conversation.

I was alright with that. I had the rest of the day to work.

After lab I met with Sabrina and we talked about more code and how to recreate GUIs based on a user’s choice. If they click this button, then display these options, else display this other set of options.

She’s trying to make an interactive text adventure game. So we got the base concept of the game working, now she just needs to swap out the placeholder images and text for the things she actually wants to use, and then create the different branches for the game.

We’re going to meet again so we can talk about variables and passing arguments to functions, which will streamline her code immensely. Right now she needs to understand how to call different functions, and see the way the code is interacting with the different sections. So she’s pushing forward, which is great.

After Sabrina left I started talking with Mother Earth. I had some time to kill before my meeting. We ended up getting into a pretty indepth conversation, and I had to leave before it was finished, which sucked.

It sucked even more that my meeting was way not cool. We got dropped with a bomb shell yesterday.

All of the degrees are going to go through a major overhaul, and a lot of our classes are actually going away.

The two classes I teach are going to get cut down to only one. VFX is going away completely, so I can’t imagine what Ari was feeling.

“By the way, your classes aren’t going to be offered any more. Have a nice day.”

We were reassured that no one was being let go. No one was getting fired or anything along those lines. Staff numbers weren’t going to change.

There were a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered though. There’s a lot of information that we don’t have. And this change is supposed to roll out at the end of March.

Thanks for the heads up…

In all honesty, if the change ‘starts’ at the end of March that means there will be four months of general education classes that the students have to work through before they being getting into their core classes, so our staff won’t start seeing them until July-ish.

It still sucks though. I would have rather been told in a small department meeting. This is serious, career altering news. I don’t think it was fair to just drop it on everyone like that. No one knew about it, or was prepared.

And me being all introverted and INFJ-y and stuff didn’t appreciate the shock to my system and then feeling it from everyone else.

Frank had messaged me since he hadn’t been able to attend the meeting. He wanted me to let him know if he missed anything important.

I texted him back saying, “Oh man. You have no idea what you just missed.”

I ended up calling my mom after the meeting to talk to her about it. I told her that I didn’t know how I felt. Not good. But that I thought I was more angry about the delivery then that actual changes to the system.

I’m pretty over it right now. Whatever happens, happens. If I end up not liking the new system then maybe this is the way the Universe is telling me to leave once I finish off my Digital Arts and Design degree.

All we can do is wait and see.

So I ended up coming home after talking with my mom. I needed to get away from the school and people.

I didn’t go to aikido. Sensei Jan and Ian are out of town so it was going to be the substitute guy again. Which I really didn’t want to see him. He’s alright, and I enjoyed the class the other night, but I was having to deal with the whole work meeting, and there was the conversation with Mother Earth and J that I was in the middle of.

I could only handle so many things in one day. Mr. New Dude just didn’t make it on the list.

I had already given up on working more on my freelance. Most likely not the best decision, but that meeting literally torched all of my motivation for everything.

So when I got home I got back online and continued talking with Mother Earth and J.

So this is going to be another sort of defining post where I write for myself and not for the opinion of others.

Mother Earth and J are going to be married. They were an established couple way before me, and I value and respect that. We all do.

But there is a very strong connection between Mother Earth and I, and I feel a very strong level of respect and understanding between J and I, since I am so similar to Mother Earth.

I grew very close to both of them in the short amount of time that we lived together. And what was amazing, at least for me, was how even though there was flirting and warmth, it was very non-sexual.

It made me feel secure and worthy of affection simply for being me.

My introversion was never looked down upon. My crazy schedule was respected. Chores where divided up between everyone. I really enjoyed it despite the issues that Sir and I were having.

Or maybe because I had that example to compare Sir to I realized faster that what he was giving wasn’t healthy, and that he wasn’t really giving anything.

It hurt a lot when they moved to Texas. I knew it wasn’t personal, and I never thought of it that way. It took me several months to actually feel the lose of their company, and maybe that has to do with being introverted. I don’t need a lot of contact, but when I need it I legit need it to be there, and they weren’t.

I remember the night I drove to the Waffle House we used to eat at and broke down in the parking lot because I felt so horribly alone and being there made me feel closer to Mother Earth and J.

I remember how I drove home and Mother Earth sent me a text message and how she called me and let me cry on the phone.

They have been so kind to me, and have shown me nothing but love and acceptance.

When I made my post about catching the flowers at my cousin’s wedding Mother Earth called me to talk again. She said that I might be saying I was fine, and I might even feel fine because I was packing stuff up and keeping myself busy, but she knew under everything that I really wasn’t. That I was bothered and as soon as I got on the road and was alone with my thoughts that they would start eating away at me.

She said that it wasn’t a sad thing, or a mistake that the flowers found their way to me. She said that if anything it was a sign that such a powerful symbol of love and affection found its way to me. That I have so much love in my life that they were drawn to me and that I was meant to have them.

She said that her and J love me so much and that she says everyday how she misses me. How when they think of the future it always involves me. How it’s always with the thought that I’m going to be in Texas eventually.

Which I feel is true. I feel like that is where I will eventually end up because that’s where I will be complete. That’s where Mother Earth and J are, and being here in Orlando is so hard because they are so far away.

I can’t remember the exact words, but the conversation made me rethink the way I viewed my dynamic with Mother Earth and J. And it’s been something I have been thinking about over the past days, and is what resulted in our conversation yesterday evening.

I guess because of the marriage I never thought of myself as truly being ‘involved’ with Mother Earth and J.

I am pansexual, and I believe in polyamourous relationships. In fact my ideal relationship would be with a male and female. But I never thought of my dynamic with Mother Earth and J like that.

It would be too good to be true. They are together, and even though the are open minded like myself, and have both been in polyarmous relationships before, I never allowed myself to entertain that idea.

I didn’t want to mess anything up. I think part of it was fear, too. Relationships hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I was still dealing with Jarrett, and the fallout with Sir. So I kept everything back, at arms length.

I think I ignored a lot of things or pretended they were less than what they were. Like the flirting. I knew that I meant it, and I knew that Mother Earth meant it, but I never let it click in my head that it was deeper than surface level playfulness.

And part of me feels bad about that. Like I was being rude or inconsiderate. That I wasn’t being fair and honest with my feelings. Part of me feels like I was being given a gift and instead of accepting it I was ignoring it and pretending like it didn’t exist.

The conversation with Mother Earth gave me a lot to think about.

What were my true feelings? Why was I not acknowledging them? What did I really want?

I spent all of the drive home thinking and being introspective. And even though life kicked back up and kept me busy, I still thought about the situation a lot. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got up the nerve to talk about what I was feeling.

So that happened yesterday before my meeting. Most likely not the best time to start a super deep emotional conversation, but I was honestly expecting the meeting to last for 20 minutes and to be nothing special; you know… like how all of my other meetings have been since I was hired…

I told Mother Earth about what I was feeling and how I was scared of messing up the dynamic I have with her and J because of my feelings.

It ended up turning into a conversation on Facebook between the three of us, about what we wanted, and what we were all ok with.

So, I suppose crazy long story long, I am in a polyamrous relationship with Mother Earth and J. J and I will continue to be non-sexual because that is what everyone is comfortable with for the time being.

It may alter and change, it may not. But we’re ok with where it is currently, and if it changes there will be lots of talking beforehand.

It felt good to talk about my feelings openly with them. It felt good to have clear lines for certain things. Like, yes, I’m in a relationship. It’s not a kind of sort of maybe nebulous thing in my head. It’s not, “I hope this is ok and that my feelings aren’t out of line.”

There was a lot of nervousness, but I worked through it.

I know some people won’t understand this type of dynamic. And I’m ok with that. This is my first long distance type of interaction, but it’s not like I met Mother Earth and J online and I’ve never seen them in person before.

These are literally my two closest friends who just happened to move away. These aren’t strangers who know nothing about me. They are two of the only people outside of my family who truly understand who I am. Mother Earth especially since we are so much of a reflect of ourselves.

I feel like she is part of my other half. Her and J complete me in a way that nothing else has. Even if it is a non-sexual relationship. Which to me is more important. I am emotionally and spiritually fulfilled with them.

It’s odd. Jarrett made me feel complete, but it was so intense, so much, almost too much. And if I’m honest it was mostly a physical fulfillment. He would cuddle me, touch me, kiss me. It was amazing. I ignored flags I should have been paying attention to because I felt good.

Then, once we moved in together he wasn’t there. I had such a level of euphoria, and then crashed. And as low as I feel admitting this, I think Sir was a rebound. He talked to me and made me feel like I still existed, like I still mattered.

But our core values were so different, and he took my need for space personally. I don’t think even if I had moved in with him that it would have worked out.

The completion I feel form Mother Earth and J is different. It is softer, more subtle but no less real. I don’t have words for it yet. Only feelings which I need to meditate on more.

How is the completion different? Why is that difference important, because even though I might not fully, consciously, understand it, it is a very big difference and it means a lot to me.

So that was my day yesterday. Complete BS from work, life defining moment at home. No aikido, no freelance. I played a few games of table tennis with Joshua and Susan in the middle of all of that. Which I totally owned Joshua. /flex

It was a lot of fun actually. There was a lot of laughter and good natured competition / trash talking. That in conjunction with the conversation with Mother Earth and J helped put everything into perspective.

It’s just work. If I don’t like it I can always change it. I’m not stuck there for the rest of forever. In fact I don’t plan on being there longer than I have to. My plan had always been to leave to be in Texas, so I don’t know why I was so upset about the news.

I have SAL today, and homework that I haven’t touched yet. But I feel pretty good this morning. I’m glad that I’ve written all of this out. That I have clear thoughts in my head for what I am feeling, at least mostly clear.

I have the freelance I also need to finish off today so I can start on the next character.

So I suppose for now I will go so I can finish my coffee and breakfast. Hit the gym before going to work where I can focus on weight painting until aikido at 7. Maybe do my discussion post if I need a break from Maya.

Overall I think it will be an alright day.

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