Not all that long ago actually.
As an introvert you would think that being alone wouldn’t bother me at all. And for the most part it doesn’t. I tend to need more space than most people, which is something I have learned to accept about myself, and something that the people closest to me understand.
There are times though, where simply being in the presence of the people who matter to me feels like a necessity, just as much if not more so as breathing.
It’s hard when the only thing you want in the world is the one thing you can’t have. It makes the spirit long for it that much more.
The one thing which would fix all things is so agonizingly out of reach.
It leads to what feels like an all consuming depression for me. One that is extremely hard to combat on my own. In fact I pretty sure I would lose those battles if it weren’t for the people in my life.
Without them I would tear myself to pieces in self destructiveness.
Things have been better recently. This has been a long journey which I felt consciously started after breaking up with Warren #2, but thinking on it, I feel it has been going on even longer than that. Maybe my whole life and I am just now seeing how all of the events weave together.
Lessons that seemed disconnected are really part of the whole.
I have seen my mom twice in the past two months. I have talked to my younger brother a few times. I have been more active in my communication with Mother Earth and J, and we even set up a relationship dynamic which works for us, so I feel as if I belong.
There have been a lot of really positive relationship building events which have occurred since I have moved in with Joshua. It’s hard to believe that was five months ago. It’s hard to think so much time has passed, and yet at the same time, only that much time as passed.
It feels like eternity and the blink of an eye at the same time.
The lows I have felt seem so small now when looking back from where I stand. I have come so far, and the loneliness I have felt, and sometimes still feel is part of that journey. Part of my growth.
Mother Earth and I were talking before my trip back home, back to Orlando. The conversation we had about my catching the bouquet at my cousin’s wedding.
How I felt alone and that I wouldn’t find someone. My other half. How it felt like it was never meant for me, and how the flowers made me sad because I felt like I didn’t deserve them.
She said that I am much like her.
Things in my life feel under control. I feel like I am able to manage everything, and that my natural instinct is to find someone to care for. Someone to give my time and energy to.
She said that even though that is what my inner voice, my inner four year old, is crying out for, that the real thing I need right now is to be in a relationship with myself. That I need to continue to focus on me, invest in me.
I am doing so well, and making so much progress. I shouldn’t lose sight of that. I may not have a true, conscious destination, but I know I’m not where I need to be yet. There are still things I need to learn and figure out.
Things that I wouldn’t be able to figure out with another person. Which is why I think for right now it is a good thing that the relationship between Mother Earth, J, and I is long distance.
I am close to them spiritually, emotionally, but I have the physical space to figure things out. I have the space to unpack all of my inner boxes, make a mess, sort through things, throw out what isn’t needed anymore, or what should never have been packed in the first place.
I can figure out what is important, what should be kept, what is a part of me and what are the things are from others.
Sometimes that process is lonely. Sometimes I look around myself, like now.
Sitting outside with the morning breeze, birds flying, cars driving to and fro.
Life moving past me as if I don’t exist, don’t matter.
And sometimes that makes me feel lonely. I think about the people I love and how I can’t drive over to their house and play games, or watch movies.
We can’t go get lunch. There are so many things we “can’t” do because of physical distance. And that hurts. Sometimes that’s a heavy fact that I don’t want to bare. Sometimes I rage against it, and refuse to accept it, and in the refusal my spirit suffers.
And other times, like now. I sit alone and I feel at peace. I am in Orlando. I am in a place where my loved ones aren’t. But I am where I need to be for the time being.
Accepting that this is my life, and that, for the moment, this is where I am, brings me peace.
It is not for forever. It is for right now.
I can live with right now.
It’s not always fun or pretty. Transformation can be brutal. But I am working on being a better me. And I feel that is a worthy cause.
I’m working on a second degree, and once that is complete, a third. Both of them for free. I am working on becoming financially independent, which I achieved a huge step towards by removing all of my exs from my financial life. I am working on taking back my paycheck by paying off debt.
All of that is possible because of where I am at and my current job, which I honestly do love. I get fulfillment from teaching and helping others.
I may feel lonely sometimes, but I am never truly alone.
Sometimes it take a phone call to remind me of that. Sometimes I need the voice of a loved one to calm my in inner child and to reassure me that just because I can’t have the physical reassurance, the tangible side of the relationship, doesn’t mean that the feelings are any less real.
I am loved, and I am where I need to be.