Musing Moments 0027: I Move to a Different Sound

Standard

I recently found a new blog, Midnight Blues, and this post really sparked something for me because I feel it represents my feelings so accurately.

Part of me feels bad that I can honestly say that I can live without another person. Society makes it seem like that makes me cold and heartless. If I truly loved the other person they would be the core of my Earth. I would only be able to function because of their presence.

But that’s not how it is for me. Maybe in my first few relationships where I was still figuring myself out, but I am no longer a 14 year old girl. I can take care of myself. My world isn’t going to fall to pieces if you’re not it in. I would still wake up and take care of my obligations.

I know my post about Mother Earth sort of contradicts that, but even while that was going on I went to work, I took care of my responsibilities, and I tried doing things to help with what felt like unbearable emotional stress.

I know there are a few people in my life, those in my inner circle, that would leave me devastated if they left because the pain would be so intense. Hot mess wouldn’t even begin to describe it. But eventually I would pick up the pieces of my shattered world and move on. Maybe hollow and empty at first, because depression is like that, but step by step I would relearn how to breathe and function.

I like to think they would want me to carry on. They would want me to keep living, to learn to be happy even if they are not there to share in the happiness with me.

I have worked extremely hard to make myself independent. I have worked to become a functional being in my own right. A being that doesn’t burden another people.

And as far as a relationship goes, I sort of want that from someone else.

Ok… not sort of. I do want that.

I don’t want to be the center of your world, your only fail-safe. I don’t want the added weight and responsibility of being the sole object of your happiness. Have hobbies. Have friends. Do stuff without me. Be able to take care of yourself.

Trust me, as an introvert it will make the relationship so much easier if you go out and do things with other people, or on your own even. Leave me home with my books, my projects, my cross stitching. Or even enjoying an afternoon nap on the couch, my cat curled up at my side.

Let me have my aikido and yoga. Let me go running alone.

Don’t feel neglected if I go to lunch with a friend. Don’t think of my time away from you as a slight, or disinterest.

I had a life before you, and I would like to keep my life. Just like you had a life before me, and I want you to keep that, too. In fact, that’s most likely one of the qualities that attracted me to you. Independence.

I don’t think a relationship should weaken people. I don’t think it is healthy to shift your focus to center around one single person. There is no growth in that, no development.

If anything it is stifling, stunting. You stop reaching. You stop striving. It’s not longer for you, it’s for them, for others, which in my mind is wrong. Do things for you, not for acceptance. Do things because it makes you happy and fulfilled. Take care of #1 so you can take care of others.

I will love you for all of you. Flaws, quirks, insecurities and all. You will be imperfectly perfect, and I will respect that you are human, and that we both will make mistakes. I will respect that you are an individual with your own sense of direction and ambitions, goals and dreams.

I will support you on YOUR journey for as long as our paths align. In return I want the same level of respect. I am an individual on MY journey. I don’t think I should have to give that up, that either of us should have to give that up. I feel like we should be able to learn to co-exist as we are.

Compromise yes, but not on who you are. Not on the things that make you strong and able to stand on your own.

I’m not going to die without you. And I’m not going to be sorry about that.

I’m stronger than that. I would hope my strength is a valued quality. I am not a weak flower to die during winter. I may get upset. I may hurt, and it may take me a while to recover. But no, I will not die. And I would like to think you wouldn’t want me to.


I move to a different sound.


Daily Post 0085: Early to Bed

Standard

Yep. Sickness. : /

Lame.

I woke up around 6 this morning. An hour before I wanted to. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep though, so at 7 I went to the store for the few things I needed to pick up. I was super proud of myself for getting soup to help make me feel better.

Of course it wasn’t until I was walking out of the store that I realized I had forgotten the main thing I actually needed…. Toilet paper… F my life…

Went back in, retrieved that. Went home. Had soup, did some writing. Went back to sleep until about 11. Did more writing, showered. Went to work at 1pm.

David is cool with covering for me on Mondays and Fridays. So I’ll still be able to host the PCC Critiques and do taekwondo for most of this month. Huzzah.

He wasn’t able to cover me today, though, which was fine. I didn’t want to go to the dojo with how I was feeling. Didn’t make it to the gym either. So much lame…

I got most of my assignments done for the week. I have reading left to do, which will happen tomorrow with laundry. There’s a quiz to take, and then a case study. I can’t really do the case study until I do the reading, which is why I didn’t do anything with that assignment. That and because my brain is fried.

My headache is threating to go migraine on me.

In the scheme of things today went pretty alright. It could have been a hell of a lot worse that’s for sure.

I’m going to turn in early tonight and hope I feel better when I wake up. Tomorrow is SAL 9pm to 1am. Fun times…

Prompt Page 0042: Meaning

Standard

Occupy Daily Prompt

Is there a song that you’ve really never given a second thought to and then heard/read the lyrics to and said to yourself, what the heck?!? 

I’m most likely a bad person to ask when it comes to song lyrics. I don’t normally go with what is ‘intended’. I go with that I feel, or what the words mean to me.

In the prompt one of the lyrics mentioned is “Hold on for one more day.” It is mentioned that maybe that’s silly, that the lyric doesn’t make much sense, or that in a given situation it’s bad advice.

But to me that lyric does make sense.

There is a movie called Jump Tomorrow, and in it there is a scene where one of the characters is going to kill himself. He is drunk, trying to drown out his sorrows. The woman he wanted to marry rejected him, and he is on the roof of a building, yelling and crying, and is going to jump from the roof so he no longer has to suffer.

The main character runs up to the roof and beings talking to the man, saying not to jump today. Wait until tomorrow. Jump tomorrow.

The song lyric, “Hold on for one more day,” reminds me of that phrase, that scene.

Tomorrow gives you 86,400 seconds where you can change things, or do things differently.

Don’t like where you’re at? Do something about it.

If you jump, if you let go, you don’t get that chance. You can’t do anything if you’re not here.

Admittedly this is all taken out of context, but words are subjective. What they mean depends on the state of mind you are in, the connotation you have associated with them, the other words and phrases around them.

Words are trains of thought, and not all of them are tied together. Songs especially are artistic creations, as much as any painting is. Just because we may not be able to see meaning behind the shapes, or receive the message intended, doesn’t mean that for the artist there isn’t some connection there.

Or maybe we make a connection when none was intended. It’s all subjective, it’s all art. We make it what we want.

Musing Moments 0026: 30 Day Challenge – Day 17

Standard

My mom is a pretty awesome and fantastic person, and she’s taught me a metric crap ton of stuff, including how to reverse engineer goals.

Since that’s what day 17 focuses on, I didn’t get much out of it when I first got to this day, and I still sort of don’t.

It’s like being told to do something you already do.

“K… I’m going to keep on keeping on… thanks for interrupting my groove… “

I understand that this is an issue for most people though. I see it with my students, with friends, coworkers, even with some of my family members.

*cough like my younger brother who never listened to mom’s sagely advice cough*

Pardon me. Seems like my fingers had a fit.

Anyway, reverse engineering goals is actually pretty fun and extremely helpful.

You have this idea, this goal, some uber amazing project, and it’s going to be great once you get it completed. But where do you start? It’s so big, so daunting when you step back and look at it as a whole. How are you ever going to get it ALL of that completed?

That’s when the feelings of intimidation start, and that little evil voice in our head’s pops up and starts talking smack about how we can’t do it, it will never come about right, and blah, blah, blah, nag, nag, nag… *downward spiral of doom*

Reverse engineering helps with that. It gives us the blue prints to turn our goals and ideas into actionable tasks that will move us forward, one step at a time, towards the summit of our Mt. Everest.

It’s not too much, we just need a map. A battle plan.

So today, we’re supposed to take our push goal and really break it down. Brain storm about all the things that you may need or want to do with it.

Ask yourself questions. What needs to be done? How is it going to get done? Is there anything you need to buy? Anything you need to ask about? Do other people need to get involved?

Are there any major tasks that can be labeled as “mile stone” tasks?

A lot of my goals can be broken into steps or chunks, so when I reach a certain task I know I am a certain percentage through my project. It allows me to feel accomplished and to be happy with my effort even if I’m not completely done with the project yet.

Depending on the scope of the project I may even celebrate reaching a mile stone. It helps keep me motivated.

Since my push goals are “Complete one personal career project each week,” and, “Complete one craft project each month,” I have broken my two current projects down.

* Indicates mile stones


 Career Project of the Week:

* Record Curves Tool podcast sections (8 total)
Edit Curves Tool podcast in Screenflow
Post Curves Tool podcast online

YouTube
Vimeo

* Post Curves Tool package to Creative Crash
Update website with Curves Tool content
Message Lester about Curves Tool release
* Task complete

Craft Project of the Month:

* Create pattern in MacStitch
Prep fabric / threads
Stitch design
* Wash and mount finished design
Scan finished project

Email Carol image
Post image online

Facebook
Wordpress

Place image in Dropbox folder
* Task complete


Seems easy enough, just have to actually do those steps now.

Admittedly these are smaller projects, but the concept is the same for bigger tasks. Think about all the steps you have to take. Write them all down, regardless of the order. Think of it as brain storming.

Get the ideas out, then we can figure out where the best place to start is.


30 Day Challenge – Chalene Johnson


Monthly Mementoe 02: March

Standard

Monthly Goals:

Revamped Curves Tool
Completed xStitch for Tre
Watched Wolf of Wall Street

Events of Note:

Sick during 1st week of March
Full Sail Hall of Fame #6
Reconnected with Ashley
PCC Critiques switched to Google Hangouts
Passed out at Friendly Confines

Fixed desktop
Failed Digital Story Telling
Mother Earth was placed in ICU / discharged
Painted base color for new room

Ongoing Events:

Freelance project
Bank issue with money transfer
Project Break Room
Book 3: Brisingr (< 17 hours)

RunKeeper Data:

08.6 mi running
17.5 mi biking
01.2 mi rowing
27.3 mi Total 

13+ dojo hours

Incomplete Tasks:

Chapter 8 in programming book
Gladiator rig
Read 1 industry / personal growth book


Summary

Overall I think I did alright this month. I forgot about passing out at Friendly Confines. Did that seriously happen only two weeks ago?.. And that was right after my car was towed… So looking back on it, I really didn’t have a normal week at all this month.

I’m starting up my new class, Intellectual Property and Law. I don’t it’s going to be very art heavy, which after how much drawing was required last month, I’m sort of ok with. I think it’s going to be more of a ‘read this, answer that’ sort of class. I’ll get a better idea after today.

All in all, I’m sad another month is down, but I really am not sad to see this one go. Hopefully April showers will wash away all of the soot from the fires I had to contend with this month.

I definitely saw the gym and dojo take a hit compared to what I was doing January. February was pretty slack, too. We’ll turn that around though.

Look out, April. You’re about to get owned.

demotivational-posters-like-a-boss

Weekly Saga 0011: To Hell and Back

Standard

This past week was rough. Not even going to lie. Somehow I managed to get through it, though.


Main Events:

Continued with 30 Day Challenge (day 11- 16)
Fixed desktop
Failed Digital Story Telling
Completed xStitch for Tre
Sold dresser / trashed mattress

Painted room / began packing / moving
Mother Earth was placed in ICU (is fine and back home)
Watched Wolf of Wall Street


When looking at my week it doesn’t seem like much happened, but it feels like I’ve been to hell and back. I feel beat up still. Even now, sitting in my bed with my laptop in my lap I feel like I’m in an infirmary and that the very act of sitting will wear me out after a short while.

It doesn’t help that I am legitimately sick again. Going to sleep didn’t fend off whatever ickiness I caught. I’m hoping that I recover fast, but in all honestly I’m not surprised I got sick. I can handle work stress like it’s nothing. Emotional stress, or worry for my loved ones, does me in every time.

Body: “Oh, you’re going through a rough time? You know what would help with that? The plague!”

Thanks… so not helpful…

I’m hanging in there though. Just sucks because unless I feel better in the next three hours, I’m most likely not going to the gym, or the dojo. I don’t want to get other people sick. Sitting in the sauna sounds awesome though. I’m having a hard time staying warm.

Blaaaaaahhhhhh…

And I just realized… it’s the end of another month… so I’m supposed to do a monthly recap… ;-;

Do not want…

Anyway, sitting on my butt reading my blog has me exhausted. I’m going to try sleeping a bit more since my day doesn’t ‘have’ to start until noon.

Alright, Mr. Plague. Round two. FIGHT!

Daily Post 0084: I Swear, If I’m Getting Sick Again…

Standard

Another low key day.

I wrote and got caught up on the blogs I follow. I had lunch with Grace and got to catch up with her. I put a second coat of paint on the walls. Went grocery shopping AND did all of the cooking.

I need to run back to the store tomorrow to get sour cream and shredded cheese, though… Laaaame.

The schedule changed for work. Originally I was supposed to work 5pm to 1am Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. Now I’m working 1pm to 9pm. Which still would suck because all the classes at the dojo are in the 5pm to 9pm block.

But…

The last lab, the 5pm to 9pm lab, most likely will only need one lab specialist there. So there is a chance that David will cover the lab, at least for Mondays, so I can still do taekwondo.

I’ll know for sure tomorrow, but it’s awesome to think that I might still be able to make it to the Monday classes at least.

I’m feeling a little sick… again… which isn’t cool in the slightest. I have a cough and my throat kind of hurts, so I’m drinking green tea with honey and cinnamon right now, and about to take Nyquil.

I shall crush this sickness where it stands.

Tomorrow starts a new class so I’ll have to check up on the assignments for the week. I have plans to go to the gym for a spin class at 9:30am. I haven’t made a to-do list for tomorrow, and I highly doubt I’m going to do one now. I’m actually proud of myself for writing. Still have a weekly recap to do, but I’m cool with waiting on that one.

I’m tired. I have to be up early. And I’ve been productive. I’ve earned some sleep.

Oh, and here’s an awful picture of my room. Lame iPhone sucking at taking pictures. The room is still a WIP, but I love it.

IMG_0019