Daily Post 0071: My Eyes Don’t Want to Stay Open


I suppose I should write. But that means thinking, and that sounds really lame right now.

Today was busy, a little overwhelming at the end. But overall a good day. A productive day.

I woke up at 7am with my alarm. My phone survived the ordeal, so the day was off to a great start. Sadly I was still crazy tired. It was hard for me to fall asleep for some reason. I think I only got around 4 hours of sleep.

I went back to sleep until 8. At least I think it was 8. Maybe it was closer to 9. I don’t remember the morning all that well. Eventually there was coffee and coherent thoughts.

I made my Push Goal promise today. This is the part that’s hard for me. The first time I did this challenge I was literally sick after making the post on Facebook. My anxiety over what people would think was that bad.

It is still hard to post things like that, but I am learning how to handle the confusing yarn ball of emotions generated by actions like that better.

I posted my concept sketch for my assignment this week.

I left the apartment around 10am to do laundry. It was a late start, and it sort of threw off the rest of my day, but I was still so tired. Everything felt heavy, fuzzy. Everything took so much effort.

I got caught up on my WordPress reading while laundry was going. I made a post for the Daily Prompt. I replied to a few blogs. I was supposed to go to the gym, but I didn’t.

I came home and worked on my script. I actually got the second part complete, so there’s only one more section I want to fix up now. Then I can put it online. It would be fantastic if I could do that by this weekend.

I worked on Tre’s animation for a while. I was having hardcore anxiety over that. I know it’s silly. But I was worried about it. I haven’t animated anything in three years. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I had forgotten everything and that I would completely suck at it.

I was slow at first, but I didn’t suck. My workflow is getting faster, and I like how the animation is turning out. I sent Tre and WIP video and we had some good back and forth feedback. So I have a more solid direction to go in. It’s not just me hoping it turns out right.

Despite the rough start, I’m glad that I worked on the animation. I’m glad I didn’t save it as the last thing for my day. Working on it proved that I can overcome fear, because that’s all it was. Silly, irrational Fear, annoyingly whispering in my head.

Fuck you, Fear. I’ll show you who’s boss.

After a few hours I took a break, which turned into an hour nap. I think I seriously needed it. I don’t think I would have been able to make it through my lab without it.

When I woke up I animated more. I went to the dojo at 7. Before I left Joshua said that I had mail. One of the Taekwondo books had been delivered, so I was able to take that with me and give it to Alejandro. I hope mine comes in soon.

Sensei Jan was the instructor tonight. We ran through the 6 Kyu  requirements since I am up for testing this month.

I don’t think I’m going to though. I don’t think I will feel ready. I’m really not interested in testing at the moment to be honest. I would like for my mom to be there, which wouldn’t be possible at the end of this month. So it might be a little while before I actually test. That just means I’ll completely ace it when I do take it.

Anyway, class was pretty awesome. I’m glad I went.

I came back home, showered, then went into work which had me bouncing around non-stop, which is where things got dicey. I was tired. I wanted to be left alone, but not only were there my normal students for lab, but Rhonda, Nicole, and Desiree all came in and had questions, too.

I wanted to be alone because I was tired and everything was draining. I wanted to shift through my thoughts. I wanted to work on my rig, or the other part of the script. I have reading to do for school.

And I know right now it’s just because I’m tired that things are bothering me. Like how Joshua and Susan keep all of there shoes at the front door, which wouldn’t be bad except that the front door opens up to a hallway, not an expansive room, so I have to trip over their shoes every time I come home to get to my room.

Any other night I wouldn’t care, but right now I’m frustrated by it because it would have been nice to have been able to open the door fully instead of having to squeeze into the apartment because the shoes wouldn’t let the door open all the way.

It would have been nice to have my last hour of work in solitude so I could decompress from so much social stimulation, but I didn’t get that hour. Matthew stayed because he was having some issues with his rig.

I totally didn’t mind helping him out, and I enjoyed the conversation, but it wasn’t restorative silence like what I wanted. I didn’t get to do any of my reading.

I’m tired and the only things I can think of are the things I didn’t get to. The things I didn’t solve.

I tried going to the bank this morning, before laundry. Jon said that the money has already been withdrawn from his account and that his bank said it was up to my bank to figure out the issue of the money not showing up.

So I went to my bank and told the lady about the issue. Without any information there wasn’t much she could do. So I messaged Jon to get the confirmation number. Which I still haven’t gotten from him yet.

It’s just frustrating.

Today was a pretty awesome day so I don’t know why right now I’m so frustrated with it. I really aught to just go to sleep and do this again in the morning when I can think clearly instead of in a cloud of pissed off because I’m forcing myself to stay awake.


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