Musing Moments 0021: 30 Day Challenge – Day 12

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This was one of the roughest days for me in the past. Actually, this is where I dropped off the first time I did the challenge. I couldn’t do it. The second time I made it past this day, but there was still a lot of pain involved. And still another rough day in the not so distant future that knocked me out the second time.

Pain? With goal mastery and productivity? What?

Yeah… This isn’t just about goal mastery, and that’s one of the things I didn’t know or understand the first time I went through the challenge. So when I got to this day I was totally blindsided.

Today’s video title is “Be Your Own Coach”, and it focuses on changing our inner voice. Most of the time we put ourselves down. Our work isn’t good enough. We’re not successful. Why do we even bother? We’re never going to be as good as so-and-so.

All of these horrible things we say to ourselves, and we say them so often that we start believing them, and sometimes even forget that we’re saying them at all. We just accept these comments as part of who we are, part of our identity.

I fully believe that for most people,
the most abusive relationship they have
is with themselves.

I know that’s how it was for me.

Today’s assignment is to write down five negative comments you say to yourself. Physically write them down on paper, and acknowledge that your brain says these things to you.

Then, take your pencil, pen, blood coated quill… whatever… and scratch through those lines.

Those phrases aren’t true.
They don’t deserve to be on your paper.
They don’t deserve to exist in this world,
or in your mind.

Then you’re supposed to write the opposite of those phrases. Rewrite them as positive, first-person, present tense affirmations.

So, the first time through, I didn’t make it past this point. I sat at my desk with my blank sheet of paper, and I couldn’t write the words down because it hurt too much to acknowledge how awful I was to myself.

I have the list from the second time I went through the challenge. I saved it to my Google Drive, and I’m actually happy I did. I want to share my original, my first, writing, so I can show how much healthier my relationship with my inner self is.

It is so interesting to go back and reread my words, and to see how even back then I was determined to try to learn how to love myself, and how I already thought of myself as a warrior. I had no idea that part of my mentality reached so far back.


Original Self Talk Comments

Negative:

1. I am a failure
2. I make a lot of mistakes
3. I am stupid
4. I am socially awkward
5. I am unattractive

Positive:

1. I am successful. I am moving forward with where I want to be in life. I am taking each day one at a time, and I am constantly making progress. Rome was not built in a day. Just because I am not at my end goal yet, does not mean I am a failure. Encountering mistakes and setbacks does not make me a failure. It means I have learned. The only way I can fail with anything; a project, a task, a goal, is to give up on it. As long as I keep trying I am successful.

2. I may make bad choices, and I may make mistakes, but I learn from them. These are lessons and the only way they become negative is if I let them. These lessons are meant to make me a more well rounded person. They give me experience to draw on in later situations. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake, and they do not make me a bad person.

3. I am extremely smart. I am able to pick up new skills fairly quickly. I am able to be resourceful and to manage myself. I am able to take a larger, seemingly overwhelming goal and break it down into the small steps I need to take to make it achievable. I am brilliant, and highly intelligent.

4. I may be introverted and dislike social situations, but that does not mean I am socially awkward. I give awesome speeches, and I touch a lot of lives. My words are powerful and influence people.

5. I am attractive. I am gorgeous. I am a warrior and it is only a matter of time before my physical body reflects the person I feel I am on the inside. I am strong, determined. I am amazing, and no one should make me feel bad or awkward about myself physically, mentally, or emotionally.


I said a lot of really harsh things to myself in my past. But even I am inspired by the positive statements I wrote. I can see my younger self sitting at the same desk where I broke down and cried and quite the challenge the first time because I realized just how hateful I was towards myself.

I didn’t deserve any of the comments I would say to myself, but that was the only mentality I knew. I hated it, but didn’t know how to change it. And I wasn’t ready to take that step. I was changing so many other things about myself at the time, that this exercise was more than I could handle at the time. And there wasn’t anything wrong with that.

But in this original post, a writing from a little over two years ago, already I can see that spark, that fire. It’s there in the words I wrote, not knowing that I would one day come back and read them over. Already I begin to take myself in hand, giving no quarter to those comments that plagued me for so long, for a majority of my life.

I am inspired by my past self, and it gives me more drive and determination than ever. My younger self has come so far. My younger self has gotten me here, to this day, and I will continue to honor her by continuing on this amazing journey.

So, I am happy to report my comments are not as negative as they once were, but I sometimes still catch myself saying things which are unkind or undermine what I am trying to do, which is lame…

Here are five things I
REFUSE to say to myself any more. 


Negative Comments:

1. It won’t come out right.
2. You shouldn’t have done that.
3. Maybe you really aren’t trying hard enough.
4. You’re a slacker.
5. [Insert situation here] is too much.

Positive Comments:

1. The situation will turn out how it’s supposed to. There is no ‘right’. What is ‘right’ is a vision, a fantasy, inside my head. Just because I might not match it 100% doesn’t mean that the situation didn’t come out ‘right’. It turned out how it was supposed to. “In life we may not always get what we want, but we usually get what we need.”

2. I did do that. And most likely, at the time, I thought it was the right choice. I shouldn’t doubt or second guess myself afterwards. I need to hold true to my convictions. I should continue to stand behind my actions because I always do my best, and I always try to make the honorable, moral choice.

3. I really am trying hard enough. I’m actually most likely trying too hard. I doubt my effort because I know there is always room for improvement. I know in hindsight I will see ways that I could have done something better, or more efficiently. I look back and see opportunities and moves that I missed. That should in no way make me feel like I am not giving it my all at the current moment. I am, I always do, and I will continue to try my best. Which is all I can do. No one, not myself, not the people around me, not even the Universe itself, has the right to ask for anything more than that.

4. I am NOT a slacker. Fuck you, Evil Voice. And the horse you rode in on. I will stomp you into the ground with my daily posts, which show, clearly, that I am not a slacker. Far from it. And the days that I do ‘slack’ I feel are justly earned. I’m allowed to have days off. I’m allowed to sleep in on some days and do nothing other than enjoy existing. I’m allowed to rest and relax, just like everyone else, guilt free. Say slacker one more time. I dare you. I double dare you.

5. [Insert situation here] is just right. It’s a challenge. It’s making me stretch and test myself. It’s not easy, which is why I’m doing it in the first place. There’s a pay off in the end that I feel is worth it. There was a reason for me tackling this endeavor, for wanting to scale this mountain, and when the going gets tough I need to step back and remember what that reason is. Why am I doing it? What was it about this mountain that called to me? It’s not too much. It’s not too little. It’s a mind game. It’s just right.

So ha! Take that, Evil Voice.

You may have changed the things you whisper to me, but I’ll still confront you and I’ll force you to admit that the things you are staying are untrue.

I’m a bawce, and amazing, and you can’t keep me down.


30 Day Challenge – Chalene Johnson


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