Musing Moments 0027: I Move to a Different Sound


I recently found a new blog, Midnight Blues, and this post really sparked something for me because I feel it represents my feelings so accurately.

Part of me feels bad that I can honestly say that I can live without another person. Society makes it seem like that makes me cold and heartless. If I truly loved the other person they would be the core of my Earth. I would only be able to function because of their presence.

But that’s not how it is for me. Maybe in my first few relationships where I was still figuring myself out, but I am no longer a 14 year old girl. I can take care of myself. My world isn’t going to fall to pieces if you’re not it in. I would still wake up and take care of my obligations.

I know my post about Mother Earth sort of contradicts that, but even while that was going on I went to work, I took care of my responsibilities, and I tried doing things to help with what felt like unbearable emotional stress.

I know there are a few people in my life, those in my inner circle, that would leave me devastated if they left because the pain would be so intense. Hot mess wouldn’t even begin to describe it. But eventually I would pick up the pieces of my shattered world and move on. Maybe hollow and empty at first, because depression is like that, but step by step I would relearn how to breathe and function.

I like to think they would want me to carry on. They would want me to keep living, to learn to be happy even if they are not there to share in the happiness with me.

I have worked extremely hard to make myself independent. I have worked to become a functional being in my own right. A being that doesn’t burden another people.

And as far as a relationship goes, I sort of want that from someone else.

Ok… not sort of. I do want that.

I don’t want to be the center of your world, your only fail-safe. I don’t want the added weight and responsibility of being the sole object of your happiness. Have hobbies. Have friends. Do stuff without me. Be able to take care of yourself.

Trust me, as an introvert it will make the relationship so much easier if you go out and do things with other people, or on your own even. Leave me home with my books, my projects, my cross stitching. Or even enjoying an afternoon nap on the couch, my cat curled up at my side.

Let me have my aikido and yoga. Let me go running alone.

Don’t feel neglected if I go to lunch with a friend. Don’t think of my time away from you as a slight, or disinterest.

I had a life before you, and I would like to keep my life. Just like you had a life before me, and I want you to keep that, too. In fact, that’s most likely one of the qualities that attracted me to you. Independence.

I don’t think a relationship should weaken people. I don’t think it is healthy to shift your focus to center around one single person. There is no growth in that, no development.

If anything it is stifling, stunting. You stop reaching. You stop striving. It’s not longer for you, it’s for them, for others, which in my mind is wrong. Do things for you, not for acceptance. Do things because it makes you happy and fulfilled. Take care of #1 so you can take care of others.

I will love you for all of you. Flaws, quirks, insecurities and all. You will be imperfectly perfect, and I will respect that you are human, and that we both will make mistakes. I will respect that you are an individual with your own sense of direction and ambitions, goals and dreams.

I will support you on YOUR journey for as long as our paths align. In return I want the same level of respect. I am an individual on MY journey. I don’t think I should have to give that up, that either of us should have to give that up. I feel like we should be able to learn to co-exist as we are.

Compromise yes, but not on who you are. Not on the things that make you strong and able to stand on your own.

I’m not going to die without you. And I’m not going to be sorry about that.

I’m stronger than that. I would hope my strength is a valued quality. I am not a weak flower to die during winter. I may get upset. I may hurt, and it may take me a while to recover. But no, I will not die. And I would like to think you wouldn’t want me to.

I move to a different sound.


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