Daily Post 0086: Maybe…

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April first. A day of jokes and fun. Merriment. Showers to bring May flowers. Officially it is spring. The Earth is waking up. Florida is already experiencing summer. I welcome the heat and warmth.

I don’t see today as a special day. I don’t understand the need for jokes and pranks. Today for me was much like any other. Aside from still being sick.

I went running before work yesterday, which was a fantastic idea at the time. Two hours later I regretted every part of that choice. Even today I’m still regretting it, not because my body hurts, but because I feel like it made me back track on the whole recovery process.

My cough got worse as last night progressed, and continued into today. I managed to do some light yoga, but that was it. At least I did something. I haven’t been to the dojo is over a week now. That is weighing on me.

I really don’t know what to write about. I’m not even really looking at the computer screen as I let my fingers move over the keyboard.

Honestly I feel a little alone. And not in a good ‘introverted alone’ way. At the moment I feel sort of stagnant, which is odd because I know I’m not.

I read 6 chapters for my class today, and took the quiz. I got an 85 on it, which means I missed 3 questions. If I had to read another chapter about trademarks or patents I swear I would have punched something.

It’s all legal stuff, dry, uninteresting. I would rather read about C++ code than this, which is saying something because C++ is like getting punched in the face and turning around and asking for another.

Not that I hate that language… but holy fuck do you really have to type ALL of that just to get a variable? I’m spoiled with Python I suppose. C++ just seems so clunky in comparison, bloated. And reading about it makes me want to stab my eyes out.

So preferring to read about C++ verses intellectual property laws gives you an idea of how into this book I am…

“Not at all,” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I guess I wouldn’t have as much of an issue with it except literally three of the six chapters I read were on patents, which as an artist I’m most likely never going to interact with. Trademarks I can understand, maybe even trade secrets, but not as much. It just seemed like a bunch of legal bullshit that I’m never going to use.

And of course the new system the school is using for books doesn’t have an audio feature, so I had to spend about two hours figuring out how to hack my way around that so I could still cross stitch while being read to.

Text to speech ftw.

So at least I got three hours worth of stitching done.

I watched Mirror Mirror last night. It was an alright movie. I don’t think I would watch it again.

I ran by the house tonight to pick up some art stuff. I want to finish off Tre’s gift tomorrow. He graduates, and leaves, Friday, which I’m sure isn’t helping the whole ‘alone’ thing, though that’s not the real reason behind the feelings.

Small aside for a moment:

You said you read my blog everyday, but I’m not sure if that’s true. Maybe this will be the one post you don’t read. The one you miss.

Either way, I want to take a second to say that I saw your status change. But it’s April Fools so I don’t know if it’s true or not.

Part of me is really happy for both of you if it is. I’m curious about how it happened, and I wish nothing but happiness for both of you.

The other half of me is reminded that I’m alone though, and on an emotional level that sucks. On a logical level I know that it will pass and that this was not how you intended to make me feel. I know it wasn’t malicious and I promise I will move past it.

It’s odd. I don’t know what to write. This is supposed to be my uncensored thoughts. But they are public, and I, to an extent, know who reads my posts. So part of me feels I should edit my thoughts. That some things shouldn’t be said. That some of the things I feel should be kept inside because I don’t want to cause discord.

But this is supposed to be my safe space, where I can pour everything out. This where I’m supposed to be able to bleed out the hurt and poison so I can figure out the emotions because I can never do that when they’re stuck inside my head.

It’s conflicting, confusing. I want and don’t want at the same time. Much like the companionship. I want someone to experience life with, but I don’t want a relationship. In my head it works, but society looks at me like I’m crazy.

Maybe right now this is bothering me more than it should because Tre is going to be leaving, so that small amount of companionship will be gone. Maybe part of it is that I haven’t been to the dojo in a while, so I have not seen sensei Jan and Beata. Maybe part of it is being sick. Or maybe it’s just me being tired from listening to so much detached legal nonsense.

Maybe there are a lot of maybes.

I feel like I haven’t done anything meaningful though. I feel like I’m not connecting with my physical world, my reality. I feel detached. And as much as it sucks and isn’t really fair of me, I feel alone.

Maybe what I need is to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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