Daily Post 0103: Pro – Con List


Work went well. While I was on break I saw Huston. He wanted to know if I would be able to meet up with him at some point to work on one of his scripts. He has been try to make a class (that’s a programming term) for his script, but it wasn’t working properly and he couldn’t figure out why.

After talking about my schedule, and realizing that we wouldn’t be able to meet up for a few days, I decided to sit down in the lobby with him and help him out while I ate my lunch. The lobby is a social area for students, so I don’t normally hang out there, but if I’m legitimately working with someone then I don’t feel awkward about it.

So yeah, I ate my little tuna lunch while Huston talked through the issue he was having. We ended up getting the script to work which was awesome. It made us both feel good. It was great to be able to see Huston again and to enable him to continue moving forward with his project.

After lab I had about an hour to kill before having to be at the dojo. DM had text me earlier so I texted back asking if I could hangout for a little bit since he lives so close to my dojo. I figured I could finish off my character or we could play Soul Caliber.

He was fine with that. At the moment I have permission to come into the apartment without knocking. That makes me feel like I belong; like I’m part of the group. Their apartment is very social and open. It has a very accepting vibe to it, so it means a lot that I have been adopted into their circle.

We played Soul Caliber for a little while. I left for class around 5:50. We practiced kicks for a while, so my hip flexors are hating on me a bit today. And my calves feel tight, so stretching might be in order later this afternoon. Yoga sounds pretty amazing actually.

I stayed for an hour of aikido after the taekwondo class. I remembered a lot of the stuff, but I felt slow, rusty. It wasn’t a good feeling. The longer the class went on the less I felt it, but it was still not a cool sensation. I’ve only been to the dojo three times this month according to the sheet. So much lame.

Anywho, I got to practice forward rolls a bit, and I did my smoothest back roll ever so far. The few I have done in the past felt bumpy. This one felt super clean and fluid. It made me happy.

After class I went back to DM’s for a little bit. We had already agreed that I would not be staying the night. We played a bit more Soul Calibur and then watched a few episodes of “Is it Wrong to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?” It’s an anime, and it’s super cute. Hestia is so adorable. I absolutely love her character and I’m really interested in seeing where the story goes.

DM and I had some more deep conversation. We both agree that we need to take a step back to process what’s going on. It surprises me how we both think the same thing so often.

We both feel like it has quickly (in one week) become more than casual friends. Last night it was sort of funny / cute because while neither one of us wanted to leave the other, we both knew we needed the space, and that it wasn’t anything against the other.

I was thinking about it last night. Nothing that has happened has felt forced. The level of affection that we show to each other feels natural, normal. It feels like I’m supposed to reach out and let my finger tips brush his arm as he walks past. And it feels right that his hand turns slightly so that his own fingers brush against mine. It’s nothing big, it’s not something super intimate, but it makes me feel connected. And I like that.

We talked about titles the other night and I mentioned how I don’t like the terms boyfriend and girlfriend because they felt hallow and superficial. I said how those labels reminded me of immature high school mentalities of on again off again dating, and how I wanted a companion; someone to experience life with.

I’m trying to think about the situation logically without emotions. I’m trying to make a pro/con list, but I cannot think of any cons.

Joshua and I almost got involved after he broke up with Susan, but the pro/con list ended that before it began. He will be moving away in a few months, so anything serious would lead to emotional hurt later since neither of us would enjoy a long distance relationship. Susan was going to be moving back in to stay in the spare bedroom, so it would be awkward to tiptoe around her. And for me there was the added con of knowing some of our core traits would not mesh well, so there was the chance of harming our friendship.

None of that seemed worth it for a few weeks of fun. So we had a conversation about it and we both agreed to not pursue it, even though we are both interested. He still gives me hugs when we see each other, and we’re still friends after the conversation. We know it was nothing personal against the other, it just wasn’t the right time, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

With DM I can’t think of any cons as to why I shouldn’t let things happen as they are.

He is in the area and not planning to move. He has a job, though his motorcycle is out of commission at the moment. That should be up and running within the month, and even though he doesn’t have motor transportation, he is self sufficient and bikes to work or wherever he needs to go. He enjoys cooking. Our interests line up, both in the bedroom and outside of it. He doesn’t mind that I don’t want to share some of my hobbies and actually encouraged me to do so; that having separation would be healthy.

We’re both introverts with an understanding of how precious space and time are to each other, and we respect that. He likes cats. Stupid maybe, but it means a lot to me. He’s accepting of my faith. We make each other laugh. And I feel this is moving into more of the right brained feelz than sticking to logic…

He doesn’t live far away, actually he lives super close to everything that I find important like the dojo, work, and the gym, so it wouldn’t be hard adjust my life to include him in it. He makes me feel more balanced so I actually have the motivation and drive to get things done again.

It’s not me forcing myself to do things, dragging myself through the motions which take more energy than they should. I actually have energy to do things. I want to do them. I looked forward to vacuuming my car, to getting something sort of big done and off of my list finally. That’s the type of energy he gives me.

I think that alone is a good reason to continue with whatever it is that we have. I’m not really even all that interested in putting a label on it or defining it by trying to shove it into a box. I want it to be whatever it is and just go with it. But maybe that isn’t fair. Maybe that’s lazy of me, an excuse to not look further, deeper at it.

He’s not detracting from my schoolwork or actual work. I’m still going to the dojo and the gym. He isn’t a burden financially. He actually took me out for sushi the other day while we talked about my character’s backstory.

He wants us to be equals rather than having a D/s relationship, which I’m ok with. We’re able to pick on each other and banter back and forth without the other person taking offense. I get along with his roommates and friends, even his brother, at least the one I have met.

I don’t know. I don’t see any negatives. In my other relationships I knew they were there. I saw yellow and red flags in the beginning, but I ignored them. Or if I didn’t ignore them, I didn’t voice my concerns as forcefully as I should have, which was a communication error on my part.

The only negative I can really think of is that if it doesn’t work out, or we break it off, that I will emotionally hurt, which sucks and is something I want to avoid. It’s fear really. The only downside I can find at the moment is fear.

I’m going to keep thinking on it. I feel like there is more there than fear that I need to unravel and look at.

For now I’m going to go. I have laundry to fold, a freelance check to hunt down, some cross stitching to do, and eventually a gym to get to. It’s a rainy, lazy day today, but it still has that feeling of contentment.


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