I am thinking about this a lot. I’m thinking about RB (previously known as Sir). I’m thinking about Mother Earth. I’m thinking about my mom and brothers. I’m thinking about the students I interact with. My co-workers. My blogging buddies.
I’m thinking about the way I interact with the people in my life.
I’m worried that I am inadvertently hurting people, or causing emotional discord, and that’s not what I mean to do. The road to hell is lined with good intentions, though. No matter what it is that I intended it doesn’t take away the hurt.
I feel I try my best to be fair and even. I try my best to think of how others would feel. I try to think about how I would feel in their situation. And I feel I am losing that right now. I feel that I am focusing too much on myself and being reckless and inconsiderate to the people around me.
I am thinking of the projects that I haven’t helped on. The questions I haven’t answered. Yet at the same time how it is not up to me to solve every problem. I’m trying to find the balance in these situations. I’m trying to be more than my job. But it hurts the people who look to me when I am not there as often as I normally am.
I am supposed to be building them to be independent, self-confident, self-reliant, so by constantly being present I am in a way hindering them. I also feel like I’m letting them down by not being there. Failing them in some way. And those conflicting emotions war inside me.
I’m worried that I’m letting my mom down. Am I staying in touch enough? Am I making her proud? Will she feel let down if I got involved with another person? Is it worth the worry it will cause her? Would my choices make her feel bad?
What about Mother Earth? I know she wants me to be happy. I know she knows being in Orlando is hard for me. Does that make my actions ok? Am I being selfish? I think I made her feel bad. Maybe this is all inside of my head and I’m worrying for nothing. It’s not a fun feeling, though. I don’t like thinking that I’ve hurt those that I love. I don’t like thinking that because I am weak willed that I have injured my other half.
And RB. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be friends when I feel disrespected and hurt. I don’t know how to reach out and be compassionate right now and I feel that makes me low. I don’t know how to let go, move on, which makes me feel like I am causing additional pain to an already hard situation simply over pride.
That’s not fair of me. I should be there for my friends, thick and thin. But I can’t make myself do it. I can’t make myself get over the wall in my head. And because of that someone else is hurting. It makes me feel like I am a bad person, shallow.
I am having to make choices, and I know that feelings are involved, and that worries me. I want to be happy, but I don’t want it to come at the expense of others. It doesn’t matter what I say, what I do. What will be remembered are the feelings.
How are my actions making people feel? That is what I am constantly thinking of at the moment.