Daily Post 0117: Book Recommendation

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I meant to write yesterday but didn’t. Oh well. I’m writing now, so here we go.

When I was out at breakfast with Nik earlier in the week we were talking about D/s dynamics and submission in general. I explained how I didn’t want that type of relationship with Zane, and that I was content with the dynamic we currently have.

I don’t want that at all right now, actually. I’m tired of trying and having it blow up in my face. I like having a friend right now. I like the companionship and affection. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I found, and right now that’s enough.

While Nik and I were talking I went on to say how I didn’t know if I was really submissive any more, or if I had ever been one. I talked about some of my past experiences and why I felt that way, and how it was confusing and conflicting for me and just another thing on the list of endless things to eventually, one day, figure out about myself.

She smiled and recommended a book to me. She said it sounded like I was a Warrior Princess Submissive, and that I might gain a lot from reading the book, deceptively called The Warrior Princess Submissive.

She said I wouldn’t find much information online and that my best bet would be to buy the book.

It was a few days later before I actually started poking around online. True to her word I didn’t find much about Warrior Princess Submissives, but I found the book, and I found quotes from the book. I liked the quotes. They interested me and made me want to read more.

I thought about buying it, then thought about the Buddhist book I still haven’t finished reading. I told myself that before I bought a new book I really should finish reading that one first…

So I didn’t buy it that night.

Instead I waited until the next night because my brain wouldn’t leave it alone. I had to have this book. I really wanted to read it and to see if it really did have anything insightful for me.

It was one of those things where I could either continue resisting and suffer for a few days, struggling with myself, or just admit that I was going to buy the book before finishing my other book regardless and just go ahead and do it, skipping the days of mental abuse I would put myself through…

Pick your battles, right? I prefer to pick ones that I know I’ll win…

So I bought the book at 7pm Thursday night. I started reading it in the middle of my lab, and only stopped reading it long enough to go home to Zane. While he played Tales of Vesperia I read page after page until suddenly it was 3am and the book was done.

I was left thoughtful. There had been a lot of interesting points, some funny passages, some heartfelt stories. There were also sections that I identified with so much that it left me uncomfortable. It showed my weaknesses. It showed things I struggle with. It was like reading my own brain in certain chapters. Like this person had been following me, had been inside my head, and knew how I felt.

It was like he had access to the very center of my personality. My core. Not only did he have access to it, he had just typed it all out into a book and handed it to me like it was a little, mini “Jen Manual” or something.

Unsettling is one of way describing it.

There were a few times that I wanted to stop reading and walk away because I felt so vulnerable, in a way almost violated, just because of how close to home some of the text hit. But I couldn’t stop reading. I had to get to the end. I had to get to the next chapter. I had to know what else this person knew about me.

Of course we’ve never met. Of course this book isn’t about me at all. And there are some things that I’m like… Nope. Not even close… but there are so many thing in it that are me. I love it and hate it at the same time. How could someone, a stranger, know so much about me, be able to explain it so simply, when I myself have never been able to figure it out?

It doesn’t seem fair. And then I think about how INFJs are always better at understanding other people then they are themselves.

Does it matter how this person got the information?

No… I guess not. But I don’t like someone knowing how I work. It’s a weird feeling. A new feeling. I don’t know where it goes in relation to all of my other emotions. I don’t have a spot for it. So I’m flustered with it.

Where do you belong? /glare

But, no. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I have information now. I have new thoughts to chew on and contemplate. I have new reasons to be introspective.

I am going to be re-reading the book and writing my thoughts about each chapter. These posts will go into Musing Moments and I am hoping they will help me in figuring out this part of my personality, which I have always struggled with understanding and explaining to others.

In other news I got my Illustrator Friday Challenge assignment done last night. I like where it is going, but I don’t feel like it is done. I will most likely keep working on this assignment after the class simply because I want to see this image to its full realization.

I will post what I was able to get done with it in my Dragon’s Horde shortly.

I made Dong Po for dinner last night. The apartment smelled amazing from letting the meat simmer for a few hours in the sauce. Over all, I liked how it turned out. We had left over noodles from the shrimp scampi, but I feel rice would have been a better side dish.

I went to sleep around 3am again. Zane stayed up for a bit playing his game more. I’ve been enjoying watching him play. Or in the case of Thursday, doing my own thing on the couch with him while he plays. It’s nice to know we don’t have to be doing the same thing together all the time.

I slept well, but am still tired. It feels like a body tired, though. My muscles are sore from the gym yesterday. Biking, running, and rowing, followed by a bit of stretching. I plan on taking it easy today, which may or may not bite me later. The smart thing to do would be to stretch since the soreness is due to acid build up.

I’ve had an awesome morning so far. I slept as long as I wanted, and didn’t wake up to an alarm. I had eggs with coffee. I’ve had a hot, relaxing shower. Zane and I had some interesting conversation. I got ready for work, and so far work has been laid back. It’s the last lab of the month so most people are finishing up their assignments, which means they can leave lab early.

I was supposed to have lunch with Joshua to get my vacuum back, but he needs to keep using it for a bit, so I’m going to be getting it back tomorrow instead. That also means lunch is canceled. Sad day.

I have dinner plans with Rhonda. I’m trying to get those changed to 6:30. Currently I am supposed to meet her at 5pm. I messaged her on Facebook, but I don’t think she uses it all that often, so I’m not sure if she’ll actually get my message. We really should just exchange phone numbers… I’ll send her another message about that.

Sunday is my day off. Monday is a day off. Tuesday is admin hours and my dentist appointment. My next actual lab is Wednesday at 5am.

I’m hoping Zane and I can finish my characters for the Pathfinder game tomorrow. Monday is Teakwondo and Aikido. I haven’t looked to see what classes are going on at the gym, but that’s on the to-do list for the day. I have my final assignment to work on which will happen later tonight while Zane is at work.

For now that’s it I’m pretty sure. Good, slow day so far.

Daily Post 0116: The Rundown on the Past Week

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I’m staring at a blank Word document thinking over this past week and about all the things I haven’t written about.

It’s a lot like starting a new art project. You have this blank canvas, and all of these ideas, and you don’t know where to start. You stare and stare and think through it and in your head the picture is already done, but you have to get it to the canvas so other people can see what you see.

It can be daunting, and the longer your stare the more intimidating it can get.

So the best thing to do is to just start. It doesn’t matter where. One stroke. One splash of color makes the white less overpowering. Less oppressing.

It breaks the wall of nothingness into fractures, shattered pieces, which are swallowed into the world you are creating.

Writing is kind of like that. As I sit and let my fingers move the pages slowly fill with text, color. Misspelled words with red squiggle lines of death. Green lines for fragmented sentences, which I’ll continue to ignore, because fuck grammar.

As I think and write I find that groove which is peace. I let the thoughts flow and I am no longer scared by all of the things I have in my head. My week doesn’t feel like a giant wave that will crush me as I try to explain and describe everything that has happened.

It’s just threads of thought. Threads which I’ll follow one by one and weave into the tapestry of my life. One action, one sentence at a time.

I have been choosing not to write. Not because I haven’t wanted to. But because I have enjoyed the other things I have been doing with my time. Writing hasn’t been as important as experiencing and in some cases surviving.

I want to write about Nik; DM’s friend. And I feel that it is time to give DM a real name. I use names for everyone else, I feel sort of silly for singling him out.

Zane. DM is Zane.

He and Nik used to date three years ago, and he has already admitted to me, on like day three of knowing each other, that he still has feelings for Nik. He told me she was coming to visit for a little while and that he wanted to try to rekindle the relationship with her.

Both of them are poly amorous, which I didn’t, and still do not, have a problem with. I know what it is like to love someone and to continue loving them after the separation, even if is not the same love.

One of the things that made this visit hard for me was a comment Zane made. He said that if Nik didn’t like me, or if she thought I was bad for him, that he would distance himself from me because Nik has never been wrong in her judgment of character.

I can understand and respect that. I’m pretty much the same way. I can spend a handful of minutes around a person and have a pretty good handle on their personality.

It was really hard for me though. First, I had to wait days to meet Nik. So my brain was left to its own devices.

She wouldn’t like me. Zane would stop hanging out with me. I wouldn’t be able to play Pathfinder with the group anymore. I wouldn’t have hugs anymore. I wouldn’t have someone to watch Archer or Is It Wrong To Pick Up Chicks In A Dungeon with me.

I was thinking about how the past month had been so great on an emotional level and how I was starting to feel that momentum again. The momentum of doing things and moving forward because I’m not being eaten alive from the inside. I was thinking how this corrosive depression was finally going away and now suddenly this outside force, which I had no control over, was going to take that away.

That was my problem. There was nothing that I could do. It was something out of my hands and I would be at its mercy. It would dictate something that I felt was extremely important in my life and I could do nothing but wait.

I hated it. And Saturday was an extremely hard day for me.

I had breakfast with Joshua. When I had left the apartment Zane was still in bed. We kissed goodbye, but I didn’t get a hug, which at the time I was ok with. I thought I would be picking him up from work. But Nik got into town early and ended up giving him a ride instead, and because she was there I didn’t get much communication though text messages either.

I understood that and expected it. My inner scientist was ok, but the four year old inside me was going through panic attacks.

I was left in what felt like silence, with only words echoing in my head for comfort. Words that were so close be being drowned out by what my own inner demons were whispering to me.

Zane had said things would be ok. And part of me believed him. He hasn’t lied to me yet. He has been nothing but kind. So even if things didn’t work out I believe he would be gentle in ending our dynamic.

But I hadn’t gotten a hug. I had no physical reassurance that things would be ok. I just had to go on blind faith and words. All I had was my past experiences for comfort and sadly a lot of my past experiences are negative and did nothing to help reassure me that things really would be ok.

So Saturday night was really hard. And I knew it was hard because of my insecurities. Part of me wanted to message one of the random people on OK Cupid who constantly bombard me just so I wouldn’t feel that horrible aloneness that I really had no reason for feeling. Part of me wanted to drink or do any number of other self-destructive things that I’ve done in the past.

I’m beyond proud of myself in being able to say that I didn’t do any of that. While I could have handled the situation with better grace and less depression and anxiety, I stayed home with Scarlet. I did laundry. I went to sleep. I worked on homework.

I still stumbled forward and made it to the next day in one piece and I’m proud of that. So insanely, immeasurably proud because it shows growth. I didn’t fall into my old habits, and I was able to handle the emotions in a more mature way. I knew where they were coming from and why they were there.

I didn’t eat anything Saturday after breakfast, and I know I could have done better with that. I didn’t drink any water either, so when Sunday came around, the Pathfinder game, I was a bit of a mess in that regard.

Zane and Nik wanted me to come over early so we could do introductions and have some time to hang out before the game got started.

I was so nervous. And when I got there I was super, uber meek.

To be honest I didn’t know I still had it in me to be that broken, submissive person any more. It was an eye opener for me. As strong as I am now, as far as I have come, there is still that aspect within myself. That scared, terrified, fourteen-year-old girl. The one who doesn’t have a voice because speaking could make someone angry, so it’s better to be quiet. It’s better to not make a choice because what if someone doesn’t like it?

I’m not saying that my submissiveness is a bad thing, or an unwanted trait. I know it’s not. I know how to incorporate it into my life in a healthy way. But for a while, specifically in my second and third relationships it was unhealthy. I was unhealthy in how I wouldn’t stick up for myself even when I knew something was wrong or harmful to me. I was so scared and worried about angering or disappointing others that I disregarded myself.

That was the type of submissive state I was in Sunday. An unhealthy one. That’s not who I am anymore, but that’s how I acted all of Sunday. And I felt awful for it. That wasn’t me, but that’s what Nik saw, so in my head I thought Nik thought I was this super weak girl and that I wasn’t worthy of Zane’s time…

It didn’t help that there were drinks involved, and pizza. After the first hour or so of being with Nik and Zane I was relaxed enough to be hungry, which I told them about not eating when they asked.

They weren’t happy about that fact and said I needed to take better care of myself. But they both understood why I hadn’t eaten. And didn’t give me a super hard time about it.

Instead we ordered the pizza and ate and had drinks with everyone. I had two drinks. Normally that wouldn’t be anything worth noting. I can handle myself extremely well. But not having eaten anything, and then having super greasy pizza when I did eat didn’t make my body happy.

I spent all night fighting not to be sick. A battle I eventually lost around 1am. Nik and Zane were both kind and gentle with me. They let me stay on the cough. Actually they wanted to try to get all three of us to cuddle in Zane’s bed. They wanted to hold me and let me feel safe, but I really wanted to be on the couch and alone.

I actually have a thing for couches, which is why my bed is a futon. It’s why I always like to sleep next to the wall. There’s just something safe about having something against my back.

So on top of being super meek and weak seeming, I looked like an immature 26 year old who couldn’t handle her alcohol and didn’t know her drinking level. At least that’s what was going through my head. Nik was going to hate me for sure and I had lost Zane.

I stayed on the couch for a while. I woke up once, but went back to sleep until the second time. When I woke up around 7am I gathered my things and went home. I drank more water, something Zane had been trying to get me to do after being sick, but my stomach had been too upset still to keep the water down.

The drive home was hard. I didn’t have much of a headache, a little bit of one, which I was surprised I wasn’t more hung over due to dehydration. The main reason the ride sucked was because I didn’t want to move, or be around people, or making decisions, all three of which I had to do while driving the car.

Once I made it home I took Advil with a glass of water and curled back into bed with Scarlet. That’s when I had the dream. I woke up feeling clean, light. As if I had been washed emotionally. I woke up knowing that things would be ok and that I shouldn’t worry. So I didn’t.

I ate and drank more water. I worked more on homework. I was able to function. I messaged Zane to let him know that I was ok and not to worry about me.

Around 5pm he texted me asking me to come back over. I was confused because Monday was supposed to be a special day for him and Nik. It was their ‘alone’ day. He was making a special dinner for her and everything, and since it was dinnertime I was worried. But I knew they had been the ones to ask me over, so they wanted me there. I wasn’t intruding.

I had been in the middle of installing Witcher 3, so I set that up to do its thing then got in my car.

I wasn’t as meek the second time seeing Nik, but I still wasn’t really myself. I was still unsure of boundaries. I was unsure of where Zane and her stood with each other. There were just a lot of unknown things that made me super withdrawn behind my walls. I didn’t know what was right so I was cool saying behind my walls and defenses.

We spent a lot of time talking and hanging out. We cuddled on the couch and that was nice. Zane and I held hands, which reassured me that we were ok. We watched Netflix for a bit. We played Cards Against Humanity.

Nik and I made plans to go out for breakfast the next day before she left. Just her and I so we could have some time to bond.

Nik and Zane had plans to go to the park where they first met, so I left before they went out. I didn’t want to be walked to my car. I didn’t want to feel like I ‘had’ to leave because they were leaving. So I left first, on my own.

Maybe that’s petty, or silly, but I needed my leaving to be my choice, my action, rather than a reaction. So I left and came back home and was still ok.

I set my alarm for 9am since we wanted to do breakfast at 10. When I got to the apartment in the morning they were both still in the room with the door closed. I had sent messages saying I was awake and on my way, so I didn’t really know what to do.

There were dishes in the sink, so I started cleaning them as I let my brain work itself out. While I was washing a cup Zane came out and hugged me from behind while asking me what I thought I was doing.

I told him that I had messaged saying I was on my way, and I hadn’t wanted to interrupt anything that may have been going on.

He said nothing had been going on, and that they had been wondering where I was. I guess their phones had been left out in the living room. He said that this was my place and that next time, which would be in the distant future because Nik was leaving that morning, that I should come into the room and join in the cuddle pile.

It as reassuring to hear Nik say the same exact thing when she came into the kitchen.

It was also nice to be chided for doing the dishes. That’s my thing at Zane’s place, or anyone’s place really. I want to be helpful and I like cleaning, so I’ll do dishes. It was nice that he picked on me for doing it.

“Woman. What do you think you’re doing?” Followed up by a hug. It makes me smile. It makes me feel wanted and cared for. His arms wrap around my stomach as he places his head against my shoulder, and I’ll lean my head back against his while my arms cross over his, holding them against me, feeling their warmth.

I like that he still did that. That he teased me and touched me in our ‘normal’ way because things were still normal.

The three of us bantered for a little bit, but eventually Nik and I were too hungry and left for breakfast. We were going to go to Einstein Brothers, a place I had never been to, but the shop we had in mind was permanently closed. So we went to Perkins instead.

And for the first time since Nik had been in town I was able to breathe normally and be myself.

She said she was so glad that she was able to see the real me, without my walls in place. And it was so nice to be able to stand at my full height, rather than feeling huddled and crouched inside of myself.

We had great, fantastic conversation about our parents, childhood, future plans. We talked about Zane. We talked about the dynamic between the two of them, and the dynamic Zane and I have.

She wants me to ride this path for as long as it lasts. I told her that I wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. That he deserves to be happy. I told her I thought of him as a companion, and that our paths line up for right now, and right now it is healthy for both of us. I told her that I care for him, deeply, but that I didn’t want to step between or mess anything up between the two of them.

She assured me that her and Zane are only close friends. That she cares deeply for him too, but that it would never be anything more than friendship.

I feel like Nik and I bonded a lot over that one breakfast, and I feel much more stable between her and I, and Zane and I.

It made me feel good when Zane came back after walking Nik to her car and said, “I don’t know what you guys talked about, but she really likes you.”

That was Tuesday. I was supposed to have that day off. Zane was sad, which I knew he would be. Goodbyes always suck. He wanted me to stay the day with him, and I had planned to.

My plans of Witcher 3 could wait. I wanted to make sure he was ok.

Instead I got called into work, which there’s already a whole post about that. All in all it wasn’t a bad day. Very few questions, and I had homework that I got done while I was there. But it still sucked and I’m still not ok with it. It still will be the catalyst for my leaving work eventually.

I came back to the apartment after work. Trevor, one of Zane’s roommates, had made dinner; a leek and potato soup, which was fantastic. All of us watched the new episode of Game of Thrones.

I stayed the night and it felt like being home. Nothing sexual happened. We just went to sleep, but the warmth, the smells, it felt right. It felt comforting, and safe, and like where I was supposed to be.

I woke up at 8:30 to go to the gym. I biked for 16 miles. I didn’t stay for the whole class because I was still extremely dehydrated, but it was a good workout and I was glad that I went. I stopped by the gas station on my way back to Zane’s place to get Gatorade and a couple of bananas to go with breakfast.

I cooked eggs once I got home for both Zane and I. I cut up the veggies for the shrimp scampi later that night. I showered, had my coffee and food and watched a bit of TV with Zane before going to work.

I got caught up on everything that I needed to email wise. I got my Behance profile created for my class. I got my pre-pro done for my final project and even started work on my Illustrator Friday Challenge.

Frank had a headache / migraine yesterday, so he left during the second lab, but I was able to answer all of the questions on my own so I was fine with it.

Trevor was doing the dishes when I got home, so I didn’t have to worry about cleaning the kitchen before being able to cook. I made dinner for Zane and I. We watched Archer for a while, but eventually I got tired and was going to go to sleep.

I know Zane’s still sad. I can feel it. We talked about that for a while. I know this is where people think I’m crazy because it’s more talk about energy and empathic traits and crazy stuff that other people don’t believe in. And I’m ok with that.

What I feel doesn’t change because of other people’s opinions. I can feel his sadness. It’s heavy and cold, like a crushing weight. I can feel it in my chest and I ache for him. And I know there is nothing I can do. There is nothing anyone can do to take it away or ease it.

Only time can heal this. And we both know it.

I told him that I was worried that I would be a form of self-medication for him. I said that I was worried that he would want me to stay so he wouldn’t have to be alone to process through the emotions.

He understood where I was coming from, and assured me that it wasn’t self-medication.

We are both sort of worried about how it seems that we don’t want to be away from each other. We’re not really worried about the amount of time we’re together. It’s the fact that it feels like we can’t be apart.

We’re conscious of this aspect of our dynamic. I want to think about it more before continuing to write about it. Maybe have another conversation with Zane to wander through the thoughts more. But for now it is nice to know that it is a mutual feeling and worry.

It’s not just inside of my head. It’s not just me. We both feel it and we both are aware that it may be something we need to temper.

Right now I have been awake for about 3 hours. I have had breakfast sans coffee. I ran out yesterday and forgot to write it on the to do list to pick up more. So instead I had hot dark chocolate. I might actually have another cup before going to the gym.

And yes, I will be going to the gym. Today will be a run day. And it will be a fantastic run. Afterwards I will go to work, clock in, and continue to have a chill, low-key, productive day.

Friday I have off. Saturday I work, and Sunday I have off. The Pathfinder game Sunday I believe is cancelled since two of the players can’t be there. But since I haven’t had a chance to finish filling out my character sheet, for either character, I think that’s for the best.

Zane hasn’t had a chance to do any of the DM stuff that he needed to do anyway, what with Nik being here and all.

So that will give us Sunday to spend together. I think that will be good for both of us. A low day where neither of us has work or obligations to go anywhere. Maybe we’ll go to the park ourselves just to get out of the house. Maybe we’ll make it a game day where we order pizza again and just veg while doing Pathfinder stuff and watching TV.

Next week starts the new month. A new class for my degree program. I’ll be able to do the gym and dojo, which I can’t wait to go back to. I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday finally. I’m starting to schedule all of the appointments I wanted to do. Next will be primary doctor, then eye doctor for new glasses. I want to get transition glasses so I can stop wearing clip on sunglasses. I always end up leaving them in weird places…

And really I think that’s about everything for now. I feel ok. I actually believe that things are and will continue to be ok.

I feel like I’m on solid ground again and that I’m standing up and getting ready to keep moving forward.

Daily Post 0115: Magic Cure All

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This most likely isn’t the right time to write. But I’m going to do it anyway.

I was supposed to have today off. I was supposed to have four wonderful days to myself. No work. No going to school because I had to be on the clock. No real obligations.

Guess where I’m at right now…

Sitting at work. On the clock. Not playing Witcher 3.

The relaxing day of killing monsters was crashed when I got a phone call from my boss asking what my ETA was for being at school.

Um… You said that you were covering today for me at the beginning of the month so I didn’t get over time this week…

I guess not though. My bad for taking your word for it. My bad for assuming that I could have the days I was told I could. My bad for having plans, and for wanting a life away from my job. My bad for thinking I could have that, because now I feel like crap because once again I can’t do the things I want to do.

Part of me feels like I should grow up and get over it. I’ll get over time this week. Yay extra money.  So in a way it’s a good thing. Suck it up. Be a big girl and do what needs to get done.

The other half of me is a raging ball of rage. How is this fair? I went by your word. What good is your word if I can’t believe it? Why should I believe anything then?

I’m angry. I feel used. And it’s one more nail in the coffin of why I want to leave.

Work: “Fuck you guys. We’re going to deny your request for a full sized fridge because we don’t care if you have food while you work your BS hours. Starve. Oh… and while you’re starving. Fuck your days off.”

Me: No. Fuck you. And the horse you rode in on. And the horse the sired it. And whatever else I can curse that will be insulting to you because I feel like there’s no loyalty to me.

It’s like a carrot dangling in front of me.

Work: “Oh, look. Here’s the alone time you wanted. Haha. Just kidding.”

Arg.

I should wait until I calm down to write about this logically, detached and sans emotions. But I don’t want to. I want to be angry right now. I wish, so wish, someone would say something about me not working hard enough so I could just blow up in righteous fury, which would hopefully be enough to cause a legitimate change.

Me: I don’t do enough? What about the project I have going on for the break room? Or the 3D Blitz event I run? Or the PCC critiques that I host? Or all of the stuff I update? Or the podcasts I make for other classes? Or the tutoring I do? Or the emails and Facebook messages I reply to? What about all of this extra stuff I do because I actually care? None of that matters? None of that is enough to actually have the time off I’m told I can have?

I know it’s all wishful thinking though. Nothing will change until I leave. Even then the only thing that will change is my environment. I don’t think the school will change.

Today has sealed it for me though. I’m going to leave. After this degree I’m going to see how much time it would take to get a Web Design degree. If it’s not too bad, then I’ll stick around for that just because it would be free, but then I’m going.

I’m done. INFJ door slam done. Napalm to bridge level of done.

I’ve given up the dojo. I’ve given up the gym. For two months I’ve gone without those outlets. I’ve worked through 3 months of being sick. And now I can’t even have the days I’m told I can have.

Done.

So done.

I have homework that I need to do for now. And since we’re on break I suppose I should go eat before I don’t have time to do that.

But yeah. For now the only thing I have on my mind is bitching about injustice and unfairness, which I’ve already done for about two pages. It’s not making me feel better, so I’m going to go be productive so at least when I get to the end of my day I can enjoy Game of Thrones and shrimp scampi without feeling like an unproductive slacker on top of it all.

On the bright side. I do have a solution to this whole situation.

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So I stopped giving a fuck.

Dragon Dreams 0004: Water Water Everywhere

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I had a dream last night. Or rather this morning. Last night is a bit of a story in itself, which I’ll get to later. But I want to write the dream down. I think it’s important.

It’s another dream where it feels like it really happened.

I was running. I think it was a trail like what I run when I decide to go running outside rather than at the gym. An asphalt strip cutting through trees, with lots of grass and greenery.

It was warm. Sunny.

Along the trail there was another trail, almost like a railroad. That was new, different. They aren’t there on the normal trails, and I don’t remember them being ‘right’ in the dream. They didn’t belong.

A few four wheelers passed me on this abnormal trail. I watched them going by.

As they did a ring fell off my finger and into the grass of this four-wheeler railroad. My high school ring. I could see the ring on the ground, but I couldn’t stop running for some reason. I wasn’t able to pick it up, and I hurt because the ring meant a lot to me. I wanted to get it back.

The ring itself was also odd because it wasn’t my high school ring. Well, it sort of was. It was like male version of it. There was a giant black onyx stone in the center, with silver and black metal work. It had been too big for my finger, which is why it had fallen off.

I ended up getting to my destination. I don’t remember much about this section of my dream, but I remember being unhappy. I wanted my ring back, and I had to wait a while before I could go back to the trail to try to find it.

I remember I had to run up a really steep hill to get to the start of the trail from my ‘home’. While I was running up the hill there were a few people on bikes who again passed me. Their quads were straining to get up the hill and they were laughing to each other about the effort, but they still made it to the top before I did.

I remember that this was the first big hill I had tried running up. I was slow. I kept thinking about other blogs that I read and the tips they give about running up hill. I tried to keep all of that in mind as I struggled to get to the top.

Finally I made it.

There was a large group of other bicyclist. One of them, an older man, nodded to me, and waved me over with a smile as if I were supposed to join them.

I shook my head and looked for the start of the trail. I needed my ring. On the run up the hill I had thought about how fun it would be, being part of the bike group, riding with other people. But when I finally got the chance I didn’t want it.

This small object was more important.

So I went to the trail. I remember there was another person there. Friendly. I don’t remember much more than that. I was flirtatious, sort of like playing hide and seek, but eventually I ran too far ahead of him and he wasn’t there anymore. It was just me and the trail.

There was a river running beside the trail now. I hadn’t remembered it before. The water was really rough, fast, turbulent. I am a good swimmer, but I didn’t think I would be able to swim against the current. I didn’t think anyone would be able to. It looked scary.

The water was dark too. It looked cold. It looked unsettled and as if it were raging against the walls of the cliffs that contained it.

The trail was high up now. It was a long drop down into the water. So much space and distance, but there was nothing protecting the trail from the edge.

Some how I ran off the side. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I don’t remember why. But the trail turned, and I didn’t, and suddenly I was falling. I pushed away from the side of the cliff so I wouldn’t hit the rocks. I was terrified, but I knew I could survive the water better than the rocks and so I tried to get further into the water.

I landed, sinking down, and immediately the water swept me down. Pulled me deeper, immersed me in the dark, icy water. I couldn’t breathe. I tried swimming but no matter what I did I was pushed down the river.

I broke the surface to breath. I could see the other side of the river. I tried to get there, but couldn’t.

There was a house. A castle or mansion. It was huge. Bigger than anything I have ever personally been inside of. It seemed to be floating in the air. I’m not sure if that was because I was drowning or if it really was some sort of magical thing. But in my minds eye it was like heaven.

It was this pristine white utopia with clean air and calm waters, and I was here on earth drowning. Struggling. Fighting to keep my head above water, and I knew eventually I would fail and this vision would leave me. It would be the last thing I saw. A salvation I would never be able to reach. Only able to view from a distance.

The water kept pulling me down the river. Further way from this place. Further from the side of the river. It was pulling me to a giant Maelstrom. The water started to spin, to swirl, taking me with it.

I was scared. I knew this would be the end.

I could see the sun through the dark water that was swallowing me.

And suddenly there was a rope. This very real, tangible cord was beside me, in my hands. It was keeping me anchored in this angry, unstoppable swirl.

I held life in my hands, and slowly I was pulled from the rage, hurt, and anger. It clawed at me. It tried to pull me back in. But the rope pulled me, inch by inch. It moved me forward and my hands gripped it so tightly.

I was pulled to shore, which was solid and real beneath me. My fingers dug into the dirt, getting grit under my fingernails, and all I could think of was it was real. It wasn’t a dream. I wasn’t dead. I was alive and the earth beneath me was real.

I looked up and saw three men in front of me. I don’t remember their faces. I don’t remember what happened afterwards. I suppose for now this is where it ends.

After yesterday I feel like this is exactly what happened to me.

I feel like once again I was drowning in my emotions. I was looking for my past in my present. I feel like I am missing opportunities that are in front of me. Opportunities that I may never get a second chance at.

I feel like I was thrown a lifeline yesterday. I feel like I was pulled from the raging of my mind and that I will be ok.

For the first time in a while I actually believe those words when I say them to myself. I’m not just saying a comforting phrase anymore. It’s the truth.

I will be ok.

Daily Post 0114: Blarg…

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Another day where I really don’t know how I feel.

I woke up at 9am so I could be showered and ready for breakfast with Joshua. It was a really pleasant event, actually. We talked about Witcher 3, and other games, and the classes we like playing. We talked about his current work, an art test he is taking, and what he will be doing in California. We talked about my roommate situation, and his. We talked about his ex for a little bit.

It was over all a pleasant experience, which is sort of lame because this apathy / depression is damping the good I would normally be taking away from it.

After breakfast I came to school. Yep. That’s right. The first day off I’ve had in eleven days and not only do I set an alarm, I come into work…

It’s been really nice though. No one is in the break room so I’ve been working on school work and cross stitching. I’ve been here for about five hours now and sort of feel the urge to change locations.

I really don’t want to work more, but I want to get all of the art done for my assignment so I can focus on creating the video tomorrow.

Tomorrow is also the Pathfinder game. I still don’t feel up to it. I still have 24 hours to de-whelm, so we’ll see what happens.

DM is at work. His friend may be coming into town tonight. If not tonight than tomorrow. If she’s here tonight he won’t need a ride home.

If I’m honest, I don’t want to meet her. I feel like I’m intruding. I feel like I shouldn’t be there at all. I feel like I’m being insecure, but I don’t know what to do to change that.

I feel like I’m wasting a lot of energy on worrying.

I think a lot of it has to do with Mother Earth actually. I am still tangled over that, and seeing DM happy with another person will hurt because I don’t have that anymore. It will be a reminder that I lost something. I know he won’t mean for it to be that way, but that’s how my brain sees it.

There’s nothing to do about it other than let time pass. Meditate, which I did a little bit ago. But that’s not going to solve anything right this second.

Blarg.

Dragon’s Horde 0029: IF Challenge – Pet

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This was the final image for this week’s Illustrator Friday Challenge. The word we were given was ‘Pet’.


Artist Statement

The word pet can be used in a dehumanizing and degrading context. To invoke this connotation I created a digital painting of a woman in a short kimono. Her shoulder is tattooed with the kanji for dog as a way to show she is thought of as little more than an animal, a pet.

The lighting of the scene focuses on the tattoo, as I feel this is the most important element in the story. The bare skin of the woman’s shoulder is the next thing the eye should be caught by, as it is the brightest area in the composition, which emphasizes her state of undress.

The composition is relatively dark to instill a more ominous feeling. I wanted there to be a sense of vulnerability, as if something bad were lurking in the shadows.

Daily Post 0113: Last Day of Eleven

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Today is going alright. I feel sort of hollow right now, so while things aren’t bad, I’m not really sure they’re good, either. They just are.

It’s the last day of my eleven. The last day before four days off.

I got a lot of school work done yesterday. I made good progress on my Illustrator Friday challenge. It’s due tonight, so I’ll be finishing that off and submitting it. Most likely posting it if it continues to go well.

I got the story board done for my personification project. I’m going to be personifying a dish soap bottle as a dish fairy because it would be awesome to have one of those in my life right now…

I worked at the hookah lounge for most of last night. I had my own headphones in instead of listening to the music that was playing. Got to chill on my own couch away from everyone. It was pretty nice. Fairly productive.

I stayed with DM last night, waking up at 8am. The idea was to go to my place to change and go to the gym, but that’s not how the morning ended up working out. I was still tired and didn’t actually leave until 8:40ish. When I got back to my place I was still tired and Scarlet wanted to cuddle, so I decided to not go to the gym. I stayed in my room and slept more.

And I’m still tired. I still want to be alone.

I have breakfast with Joshua tomorrow. He’s going to be moving to California at the end of the month. Another friend leaving, but at the moment I can’t muster up the energy to feel sad about it. I knew with the lease being over that he would most likely leave. Tomorrow will be our farewell.

Sunday there is the Pathfinder game. DM’s friend will be in town. I’m worried about meeting her. I know I shouldn’t be, but she’s new, and is an important person to him. I would rather hide under a rock at the moment. Just the thought of hanging out with the normal group is draining, let alone adding this experience into the mix. The game is a few days away though. I’m hoping to be more evened out by then so it’s not as rough.

I feel like I’m being whiney.

In good news…

I’m trying to get all my work done so I can download Witcher 3 this weekend and play it while DM’s friend is in town. It looks like an amazing game and Frank has already said that it’s super fun and dark. Lots of monster killing.

I’ve already paid bills for this paycheck. I’m doing really well. By the end of next month my Care Credit payments will be done. That frees up an extra $100 to go towards the Bank of America card, which, if I’m frugal, I could pay off in three months after that.

I would like that. That would be all of my credit card debt, gone. Then it would be the car payment and student loans.

I feel like I should feel more accomplished than what I do.

I feel like I should feel, and right now I don’t. Right now is a time for recovery and sleep. After today I’ll have four days to focus on that. I can go running at Crane’s Roost, or at the Waterford loop. I can sit outside and actually get some sunlight. I can talk to my mom and not be on a timed phone call.

I can sleep in and not have to worry about being somewhere. I can have time to cook the shrimp scampi that I wanted. I can listen to my book and cross stitch. I can keep my computer closed and my phone off. I can sleep for hours and not feel bad about it.

Right now that’s what I think will make everything better. A really nice, long, deep sleep.

Daily Post 0112: Trading One for the Other

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I feel like that’s what I keep doing. I fix one imbalance only to have it be replaced with another.

I’ve had a lot of imbalance recently which has kept me from writing. I’ve felt unmotivated to do it. I haven’t wanted to look at why I felt bad. I didn’t want to lance my wounds because I knew it would hurt even though I knew in the long run it would be for the best.

I’ve just been sort of ignoring it, which I totally recognize in myself. It’s what I do. I keep going for as long as I can with this emotional injury until it gets to the point where I can’t ignore it. Usually there’s a breakdown involved. Some giant reaction that leaves me drained and spent for days, sometimes weeks. Lots of solitude is needed to recover. I normally hibernate alone, avoiding people because they don’t understand the emotions or their intensity.

They ask what’s wrong, when really what I need is for them to carry on as normal. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want attention drawn to it. I want life to move forward, not to dwell on the fact that I’m not ok.

No. I’m not ok. But life keeps moving. The world still spins. Traffic still sucks at 5pm. The day isn’t going to stop simply because I feel bad. So don’t stop or change either. If I need to talk about it I will. Otherwise just keep going.

Stealing a line from a blog I follow here. Sorry if I bleed on you a little bit. How rude of me to have this hole in my chest that I’m clutching and trying to not make a mess everywhere with my emotions. But it’s a gaping wound, so really I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

I’m going to bleed, and it’s going to be a little messy, and if you don’t want to deal with getting bled on that’s fine. I understand and respect that some people aren’t good at helping others through their pain. I understand it makes others uncomfortable and sometimes people don’t want to deal with it. I get it. Really, I do. Don’t make me feel worse for hurting just because you don’t want to empathize.

I guess that was a tangent. Right now I’m a mix of anger which is external, and hurt which is internal. I keep flipping between the two.


 The Story So Far

I wrote about how Mother Earth broke up with me. I understand why. I don’t blame her for doing it. It hurt through. I felt, and still feel, dirty. As if I were dropped to the ground.

I still feel like I’m sitting in my cave, hugging my knees.

I don’t feel it is right of me to still be a maid of honor. I don’t feel honorable. I don’t feel like I should be in that position when I’m covered in dirt. I feel like things are unresolved between Mother Earth and I and that makes me withdrawal into myself. It makes me want to hide away because that’s easier than confronting the emotions.

She text me asking if I was still planning on coming to the wedding, if I still wanted to be her maid of honor.

I had been thinking about this very thing for days. Since she broke up with me.

How was I supposed to do it? How could it ever be right with the way the situation turned?

I thought about it, and tried to see it from different sides.

I replied back saying that I felt like there was still discord between us. That I was worried if I went to Texas that things would be awkward, and that I was uncomfortable with the idea of being her maid of honor now, and I didn’t know how to change those feelings.

She replied saying that she would not force me to do something that I did not want to do, and to let her know if I wished to step down from being her maid of honor.

I replied back saying I did wish to step down.

She thanked me for letting her know, and said for me to have a good day.

I feel tangled. I feel awful. I feel relieved. I feel like I’m a terrible person and that I ruined Mother Earth’s wedding. I feel worse because I feel like I made the right choice for me. I feel like I’m being selfish. I feel like maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who’s hard to be with. Maybe it’s my fault my relationships get messed up. It’s my fault they fail.

I’m angry at the Universe because it feels like it never leaves me alone. For once can I not hurt those I care about?

I hurt because a loved one hurts.

I hurt because I want things to be different. I hurt because I know I’m picking myself.

This is how things are. I am in control of my own actions and feelings. I am here, in this moment. I acknowledge my emotions. I respect them, and understand where they came from and why there are here.

I will not look at the past. I will not fret or worry about the future. I will focus here, now, because that is all I have.

Time is neither positive or negative. It simply is. It exists. I choose to exist with it. I have today, and only today. I used to think that every morning when I woke up. Every morning I would remind myself how I only had today, and that every action should reflect that. But I haven’t said that to myself in a while now. I’ve been going day-to-day hoping tomorrow will be better, when I don’t have tomorrow.

Tomorrow isn’t promised to me any more than it’s promised to anyone else.

I have the here and now, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to let it go. I want to live fully in this moment, in every moment, because it is the only moment I have.

I’m proud that I went to the gym today. After the messages with Mother Earth I stayed in bed. I was tired. My body ached. Scarlet was cuddled against me. There were all of these reasons to not move. It would have been so much easier to not go. To just let time slide over me until I had to get up for work.

But I didn’t do that. I got up. I packed my gym bag. I went to the gym, and I had a pretty shitty workout, but at least I had one. I showered and did all of the things to get ready for work that I didn’t want to do.

I went and had lunch even though I didn’t want to eat.

And I made it to work on time even though I thought about calling out.

I’ve checked my email. I’ve replied to messages. I’m on top of all of my school work. Look at me adulting and shit.

I’m doing well today. I’m moving forward one hard, bloody, agonizing step at a time. And at the moment that’s where the story ends. The heroine stumbling along, wounded but not defeated. Another battle of life survived with new scars to tell the tale.


 Next Month

When I got into work Clavan told me he was able to get the schedule changed. CRI1 will be held in a powered lecture hall, just like the Shading and Lighting class is during some months. This means that there will be only one lab group instead of three.

So Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I will be working 5am until 9am. That’s super early in the morning, but it’s one lab. I can go to the gym afterwards, and I can go to aikido at 7pm. I will also have time for admin hours so I can have more time for homework.

Shading and lighting will be Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays 9am to 1pm. Again I will still be able to do the gym and aikido.

I’ll be able to pay off over half of my Care Credit credit card. I should be able to have that paid off by July. I should be able to get new running shoes. I should be able to take my 6 kyu test for aikido. I should be able to go back to taekwondo. I should be able to finish reading Brsinger. I should be able to do a few cross stitchings.

Next month should be a good month.

I’m hoping with every fiber of my body that it is. I’m hoping it stays the way it seems to be inside of my head. I’m hoping that I have survived March, April, and May, and that June will be the calm. The recharge. The solitude. The focus.

I’m hoping I don’t get sick again. I’m hoping I actually finish that podcast that I started I don’t even remember how long ago.

I’m hoping. I have this light at the end of this really long dark tunnel and I want so badly for it to be sunlight. I want it so badly to be warmth and summer. I want it to be the forest surrounding my cave and that when I step outside things will be ok. Things will be better as long as I keep crawling and stumbling. As long as I keep moving to that light things will be ok.

That’s what I’m hoping for the most right now.

I’m hoping things will be ok.

Dragon’s Horde 0028: DST – Project 2

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This is the second project for my class Digital Story Telling. The goal was to take something ‘unpackagable’ and to turn it into an product which could be marketed.


Artist Statement

The inspiration for my product came after a stressful situation l where I was worried my tolerance would run out.

Tolerance will be tablets sold in stores, much the way Tylenol and Advil are.

I think of tolerance as a strong, long-standing, almost stoic trait. Because of this association I have decided to use an Ancient Greek theme for the marketing of my product.

Daily Post 0111: Maybe I’m Not Alive…

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I feel like I have a lot to write about. And I feel like a lot of it is going to be complaining. And I feel like a lot of that has to do with I haven’t had a day off since Tuesday, and I won’t get a day off until Saturday. So I’m going 11 days straight of no down time, at all. Constantly around people and fixing problems and saving the world and I really just want it to burn to ashes and leave me alone right now which is really extreme and this is a run on sentence to end all run on sentences and right now I really don’t care because I’m tired and frustrated and commas, periods and other punctuation and proper grammar BS take too much effort to care about.

*deep breath*…

Ok…

Now that that is out of my system, I guess I can start letting my brain wander over the billions of things I have going on in my head right now.

I’m frustrated mostly because I’m tired.

Yesterday was DMs birthday, so we were up super late talking about the back story to my character, which has totally changed and I might get to talking about that later. It was a really good day actually and I don’t regret any of it, just crazy tired right now which doesn’t help with the overwhelmed / overloaded feeling at the moment.

Today has been non-stop questions, so I haven’t gotten anything done that I wanted to. At least not the important stuff, which even as I type that I really can’t agree with that statement because I got a fair amount of important things done.

Blarg…

I don’t even know where to start with my writing because it’s been so long since I’ve written. And part of that is my own fault. I haven’t really been making anything a priority. So while things are getting done, and I am taking care of business I really don’t have a record of anything.

I worked out three days in a row last week which is better than I’ve done in a while due to my totally awesome (read shit-tastic) schedule. I found out today that next month is going to be worse…. Hooray…

So I guess lets start with Scarlet. I have been fighting with fleas for what seems like forever now. Actually lets take a step back.

I got paid for my freelance! Huzzah! Words cannot describe how happy I am about that. I even got the money from my brother finally for the laptop I sold him. So I’m caught up on what I’m owed. I paid for my taxes, which is great. So that’s taken care of.

Back to Scarlet. Now that I have money I scheduled an appointment to get her checkout and to talk to a vet about the flea issue. I had to call to confirm my appointment and while I was talking to the chick on the phone we discussed my concerns.

She said all I really needed was flea medication, not the stuff I was buying from the grocery store, and medication for the worms Scarlet has due to the fleas. I guess the stuff from stores only works for about a week, then wears off, and you can’t reapply it for another two weeks after that. Which is the trend I’m seeing.

I give Scarlet a bath, then put flea stuff on her, and she’s fine for about a week and then she’s infested again. We never had a flea issue when I lived at home with five cats, while part of me sort of thinks the vet is trying to push their product, another part of me thinks there is a difference between the flea products.

So yeah… I didn’t actually have to bring Scarlet to the vet since she had so recently been seen due to the trip to Vegas during Christmas. All I had to do was pick up the medication this afternoon while I was on my break. $35 bucks for both medications. I thought it was going to be a lot more expensive so that was a nice surprise.

Once I get home tonight I’ll be able to treat Scarlet and hopefully that will be the end of the fleas. *fingers crossed*

I cross stitched DM the gemstone dragon of May. It’s an emerald green dragon and was a lot of fun to work on. I loved the colors on the antique colored fabric. It made a special part of my brain happy to see the contrast in the colors. I don’t have a picture of it, but I’ll get one to post to my Dragon’s Horde.

I liked working on it, but since I had such sort notice it felt sort of rushed. It was hard to find time among all my other obligations to work on it, so it wasn’t as relaxing of a project as I would have liked, but it was still nice to do, and he seemed to like it. I know it’s not the PS4 he was hoping his friends would chip in to get, but he said he really enjoyed getting dinner with me and going to the hookah lounge, and like I said, we spent over four hours talking about my characters. Yeah… I’m going to be playing two of them now. Again, more on that later.

I’ve send out emails requesting appointments at my dentist office and with a primary care doctor since I don’t currently have one. Since it’s so late I doubt I will hear back from them until tomorrow, but since I have the freelance money I want to get most of that taken care of and done while I can. I’ll be making an eye appointment before too long. I need to buy new running shoes and Mac Stitch so I can create my own cross stitch patterns. I also need to book the flight and hotel room for Mother Earth’s wedding. Anything left over I was going to put into savings for the time being.

I also need to schedule to have my yearly check up. Blarg. Do not want to adult…

Finding a primary care place has been on my list since I’ve gotten hired at the school. I never really had a reason for one, and it’s new, and scary, and in my head it’s sort of like asking the dog to drive itself to the vet clinic, while smiling and enjoying the experience… so I’ve conveniently never gotten around to it.

No longer I suppose. Time to get this over with. So that’s two huge things that I started today. I would say ‘did’, but since the appointments aren’t confirmed I would rather not list them as ‘done’ yet.

I got sushi for lunch today since I was out and about getting the flea medication. That was nice. I got my Bolthouse mocha cappuccino drink to go with it since I didn’t get to have coffee this morning.

I got to talk to mom for a little bit today while I was driving to the vet. I feel bad because it wasn’t a very long phone call. It was basically me bitching about work for twenty minutes, and then I had to go. I feel like the conversation was very one sided, and that she didn’t really get to tell me how she was doing. I feel bad about it, but I didn’t have time to stay on the phone. And by the time I’m off work it will be too late to talk to her.

The longer this month drags on the more frustrated and caged I feel. I don’t have the gym as an outlet. I don’t have aikido as an outlet. I don’t have my mom or younger bother to talk to because our schedules don’t line up. I feel like I have nothing right now because of my job and the more I dwell on that feeling the more I keep thinking about finding something else, somewhere else… Like doing nothing under a dark rock in the middle of nowhere.

School has been going alright. I have to tweak one of the assignments from last week at my teacher’s request and resubmit it. I will most likely save that for tomorrow along with blocking out my new Illustrator Friday Challenge image.

This week’s word is Pet and I already have a sketch for it done.

I feel sort of written out which is lame because I know there was way more that I wanted to complain about, but I can’t remember what it was. I guess it’s not that important really.

And I know most of the issue right now is that I’m so tired. If I were able to get some sleep I would be fine. I would be able to keep a level head and a realistic perspective but right now I don’t have it in me. Everything sucks and has sucked, and will forever suck. Rawr.

I know that’s not true. My inner scientist is rubbing her temples as my inner child throws a fit because she didn’t get her nap.

I have three more hours to get through, and then I’ll have to cook dinner, and clean the kitchen, and take care of Scarlet, and throw out the trash, and and and and and and and. The list never seems to end.

The second lab is normally pretty chill. Maybe I’ll be able to get a bit of a recharge before having to go to the store to grocery shop. I’m planning on having shrimp scampi with garlic toast while watching Game of Thrones tonight.

I’ve been finding a bunch of new bands on Spotify so that’s been cool. Loving the new music. It’s one of the things that’s keeping me sane at the moment.

Over Atlantic City – Port Blue

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my four days off. DM is having a friend come in from out of town so I’ll pretty much be on my own. He said she wants to meet me, so I’m terrified over that.

We’ve been spending so much time together that It will be odd the first day being alone. But I think it will be good for me. As long as I’m able to sleep…

Ashely is done with school for the summer so I have no idea what it will be like at the house. I’ve been there so little that it hasn’t bother me that she’s been brining guys home or that she stays up crazy late being loud and playing movies and games.

I really wish I could find a place and be happy with it. I wish Joshua wasn’t moving away and that I could have kept my room at his apartment. The only thing I disliked about it was when he had Susan move in without really asking me. And even that I eventually got over.

It would be great if I could live alone again. And here I go reminiscing on the past rather than accepting where I’m at in the present. I really need to go back to reading my buddhist book. I think that’s another thing that I’ve been slacking on.

I think I’m letting work eat away at me again. I think I’m letting it mess up my here and now. I need to take time to meditate on it. Maybe it really is time for a change. Maybe three years is long enough and it’s time to move on. Maybe I could teach high school, or get a job at a studio making three times what I’m making now.

Maybe one day I’ll wake up and not have to worry about feeling drained. I wish it were February still because February was awesome. I was going to the gym in the morning and aikido at night. I was totally charged, I wasn’t sick. I had enough time for me and the things I wanted in addition to meeting all of my work and school obligations.

But I was insanely lonely and I would cry when I came home because I felt so alineanted. So was February really all that awesome? Has these past two months really been that bad? Is the house really such a terrible place to be? Am I blowing things out of proportion and focusing on the negative?

Should I wait until the weekend when I’ve had a few days of RnR to really look at things clearly?

I feel like that would be the smartest choice. I feel like I need a breather and until I get it I’m just going to feel overwhelmed and any conclusions I come to are going to be based on my need to get away from everything.

It feels like I’ve been complaining about that for a while now. I wonder if I sound like a broken record. I feel like one inside my head. I feel like I’m stuck in the same spot, looping the same events over and over again. I feel like Groundhog Day. Waking up, doing the same things over and over. Trying to change events but to no avail. Doomed forever to repeat the same boring routine until I can no longer bare it.

I feel like I need a really good cry to be perfectly honest. I feel like I’ve kept on trucking and I just need to have a really good break down to get everything out of my system.

Let me pencil that into my overbooked schedule…

  • Clock out
  • Have emotional break down in car
  • Go to grocery store
  • Cook dinner
  • Pass out without eating due to exhaustion

I feel like that’s how my night is going to go.

Is it bad that I’m looking forward to a crazy intense break down in my car where it will be dark and quiet and not have any questions that need to be answered, or demands, or expectations?

There’ll just be the darkness that accepts me and simply is.