I’m staring at a blank Word document thinking over this past week and about all the things I haven’t written about.
It’s a lot like starting a new art project. You have this blank canvas, and all of these ideas, and you don’t know where to start. You stare and stare and think through it and in your head the picture is already done, but you have to get it to the canvas so other people can see what you see.
It can be daunting, and the longer your stare the more intimidating it can get.
So the best thing to do is to just start. It doesn’t matter where. One stroke. One splash of color makes the white less overpowering. Less oppressing.
It breaks the wall of nothingness into fractures, shattered pieces, which are swallowed into the world you are creating.
Writing is kind of like that. As I sit and let my fingers move the pages slowly fill with text, color. Misspelled words with red squiggle lines of death. Green lines for fragmented sentences, which I’ll continue to ignore, because fuck grammar.
As I think and write I find that groove which is peace. I let the thoughts flow and I am no longer scared by all of the things I have in my head. My week doesn’t feel like a giant wave that will crush me as I try to explain and describe everything that has happened.
It’s just threads of thought. Threads which I’ll follow one by one and weave into the tapestry of my life. One action, one sentence at a time.
I have been choosing not to write. Not because I haven’t wanted to. But because I have enjoyed the other things I have been doing with my time. Writing hasn’t been as important as experiencing and in some cases surviving.
I want to write about Nik; DM’s friend. And I feel that it is time to give DM a real name. I use names for everyone else, I feel sort of silly for singling him out.
Zane. DM is Zane.
He and Nik used to date three years ago, and he has already admitted to me, on like day three of knowing each other, that he still has feelings for Nik. He told me she was coming to visit for a little while and that he wanted to try to rekindle the relationship with her.
Both of them are poly amorous, which I didn’t, and still do not, have a problem with. I know what it is like to love someone and to continue loving them after the separation, even if is not the same love.
One of the things that made this visit hard for me was a comment Zane made. He said that if Nik didn’t like me, or if she thought I was bad for him, that he would distance himself from me because Nik has never been wrong in her judgment of character.
I can understand and respect that. I’m pretty much the same way. I can spend a handful of minutes around a person and have a pretty good handle on their personality.
It was really hard for me though. First, I had to wait days to meet Nik. So my brain was left to its own devices.
She wouldn’t like me. Zane would stop hanging out with me. I wouldn’t be able to play Pathfinder with the group anymore. I wouldn’t have hugs anymore. I wouldn’t have someone to watch Archer or Is It Wrong To Pick Up Chicks In A Dungeon with me.
I was thinking about how the past month had been so great on an emotional level and how I was starting to feel that momentum again. The momentum of doing things and moving forward because I’m not being eaten alive from the inside. I was thinking how this corrosive depression was finally going away and now suddenly this outside force, which I had no control over, was going to take that away.
That was my problem. There was nothing that I could do. It was something out of my hands and I would be at its mercy. It would dictate something that I felt was extremely important in my life and I could do nothing but wait.
I hated it. And Saturday was an extremely hard day for me.
I had breakfast with Joshua. When I had left the apartment Zane was still in bed. We kissed goodbye, but I didn’t get a hug, which at the time I was ok with. I thought I would be picking him up from work. But Nik got into town early and ended up giving him a ride instead, and because she was there I didn’t get much communication though text messages either.
I understood that and expected it. My inner scientist was ok, but the four year old inside me was going through panic attacks.
I was left in what felt like silence, with only words echoing in my head for comfort. Words that were so close be being drowned out by what my own inner demons were whispering to me.
Zane had said things would be ok. And part of me believed him. He hasn’t lied to me yet. He has been nothing but kind. So even if things didn’t work out I believe he would be gentle in ending our dynamic.
But I hadn’t gotten a hug. I had no physical reassurance that things would be ok. I just had to go on blind faith and words. All I had was my past experiences for comfort and sadly a lot of my past experiences are negative and did nothing to help reassure me that things really would be ok.
So Saturday night was really hard. And I knew it was hard because of my insecurities. Part of me wanted to message one of the random people on OK Cupid who constantly bombard me just so I wouldn’t feel that horrible aloneness that I really had no reason for feeling. Part of me wanted to drink or do any number of other self-destructive things that I’ve done in the past.
I’m beyond proud of myself in being able to say that I didn’t do any of that. While I could have handled the situation with better grace and less depression and anxiety, I stayed home with Scarlet. I did laundry. I went to sleep. I worked on homework.
I still stumbled forward and made it to the next day in one piece and I’m proud of that. So insanely, immeasurably proud because it shows growth. I didn’t fall into my old habits, and I was able to handle the emotions in a more mature way. I knew where they were coming from and why they were there.
I didn’t eat anything Saturday after breakfast, and I know I could have done better with that. I didn’t drink any water either, so when Sunday came around, the Pathfinder game, I was a bit of a mess in that regard.
Zane and Nik wanted me to come over early so we could do introductions and have some time to hang out before the game got started.
I was so nervous. And when I got there I was super, uber meek.
To be honest I didn’t know I still had it in me to be that broken, submissive person any more. It was an eye opener for me. As strong as I am now, as far as I have come, there is still that aspect within myself. That scared, terrified, fourteen-year-old girl. The one who doesn’t have a voice because speaking could make someone angry, so it’s better to be quiet. It’s better to not make a choice because what if someone doesn’t like it?
I’m not saying that my submissiveness is a bad thing, or an unwanted trait. I know it’s not. I know how to incorporate it into my life in a healthy way. But for a while, specifically in my second and third relationships it was unhealthy. I was unhealthy in how I wouldn’t stick up for myself even when I knew something was wrong or harmful to me. I was so scared and worried about angering or disappointing others that I disregarded myself.
That was the type of submissive state I was in Sunday. An unhealthy one. That’s not who I am anymore, but that’s how I acted all of Sunday. And I felt awful for it. That wasn’t me, but that’s what Nik saw, so in my head I thought Nik thought I was this super weak girl and that I wasn’t worthy of Zane’s time…
It didn’t help that there were drinks involved, and pizza. After the first hour or so of being with Nik and Zane I was relaxed enough to be hungry, which I told them about not eating when they asked.
They weren’t happy about that fact and said I needed to take better care of myself. But they both understood why I hadn’t eaten. And didn’t give me a super hard time about it.
Instead we ordered the pizza and ate and had drinks with everyone. I had two drinks. Normally that wouldn’t be anything worth noting. I can handle myself extremely well. But not having eaten anything, and then having super greasy pizza when I did eat didn’t make my body happy.
I spent all night fighting not to be sick. A battle I eventually lost around 1am. Nik and Zane were both kind and gentle with me. They let me stay on the cough. Actually they wanted to try to get all three of us to cuddle in Zane’s bed. They wanted to hold me and let me feel safe, but I really wanted to be on the couch and alone.
I actually have a thing for couches, which is why my bed is a futon. It’s why I always like to sleep next to the wall. There’s just something safe about having something against my back.
So on top of being super meek and weak seeming, I looked like an immature 26 year old who couldn’t handle her alcohol and didn’t know her drinking level. At least that’s what was going through my head. Nik was going to hate me for sure and I had lost Zane.
I stayed on the couch for a while. I woke up once, but went back to sleep until the second time. When I woke up around 7am I gathered my things and went home. I drank more water, something Zane had been trying to get me to do after being sick, but my stomach had been too upset still to keep the water down.
The drive home was hard. I didn’t have much of a headache, a little bit of one, which I was surprised I wasn’t more hung over due to dehydration. The main reason the ride sucked was because I didn’t want to move, or be around people, or making decisions, all three of which I had to do while driving the car.
Once I made it home I took Advil with a glass of water and curled back into bed with Scarlet. That’s when I had the dream. I woke up feeling clean, light. As if I had been washed emotionally. I woke up knowing that things would be ok and that I shouldn’t worry. So I didn’t.
I ate and drank more water. I worked more on homework. I was able to function. I messaged Zane to let him know that I was ok and not to worry about me.
Around 5pm he texted me asking me to come back over. I was confused because Monday was supposed to be a special day for him and Nik. It was their ‘alone’ day. He was making a special dinner for her and everything, and since it was dinnertime I was worried. But I knew they had been the ones to ask me over, so they wanted me there. I wasn’t intruding.
I had been in the middle of installing Witcher 3, so I set that up to do its thing then got in my car.
I wasn’t as meek the second time seeing Nik, but I still wasn’t really myself. I was still unsure of boundaries. I was unsure of where Zane and her stood with each other. There were just a lot of unknown things that made me super withdrawn behind my walls. I didn’t know what was right so I was cool saying behind my walls and defenses.
We spent a lot of time talking and hanging out. We cuddled on the couch and that was nice. Zane and I held hands, which reassured me that we were ok. We watched Netflix for a bit. We played Cards Against Humanity.
Nik and I made plans to go out for breakfast the next day before she left. Just her and I so we could have some time to bond.
Nik and Zane had plans to go to the park where they first met, so I left before they went out. I didn’t want to be walked to my car. I didn’t want to feel like I ‘had’ to leave because they were leaving. So I left first, on my own.
Maybe that’s petty, or silly, but I needed my leaving to be my choice, my action, rather than a reaction. So I left and came back home and was still ok.
I set my alarm for 9am since we wanted to do breakfast at 10. When I got to the apartment in the morning they were both still in the room with the door closed. I had sent messages saying I was awake and on my way, so I didn’t really know what to do.
There were dishes in the sink, so I started cleaning them as I let my brain work itself out. While I was washing a cup Zane came out and hugged me from behind while asking me what I thought I was doing.
I told him that I had messaged saying I was on my way, and I hadn’t wanted to interrupt anything that may have been going on.
He said nothing had been going on, and that they had been wondering where I was. I guess their phones had been left out in the living room. He said that this was my place and that next time, which would be in the distant future because Nik was leaving that morning, that I should come into the room and join in the cuddle pile.
It as reassuring to hear Nik say the same exact thing when she came into the kitchen.
It was also nice to be chided for doing the dishes. That’s my thing at Zane’s place, or anyone’s place really. I want to be helpful and I like cleaning, so I’ll do dishes. It was nice that he picked on me for doing it.
“Woman. What do you think you’re doing?” Followed up by a hug. It makes me smile. It makes me feel wanted and cared for. His arms wrap around my stomach as he places his head against my shoulder, and I’ll lean my head back against his while my arms cross over his, holding them against me, feeling their warmth.
I like that he still did that. That he teased me and touched me in our ‘normal’ way because things were still normal.
The three of us bantered for a little bit, but eventually Nik and I were too hungry and left for breakfast. We were going to go to Einstein Brothers, a place I had never been to, but the shop we had in mind was permanently closed. So we went to Perkins instead.
And for the first time since Nik had been in town I was able to breathe normally and be myself.
She said she was so glad that she was able to see the real me, without my walls in place. And it was so nice to be able to stand at my full height, rather than feeling huddled and crouched inside of myself.
We had great, fantastic conversation about our parents, childhood, future plans. We talked about Zane. We talked about the dynamic between the two of them, and the dynamic Zane and I have.
She wants me to ride this path for as long as it lasts. I told her that I wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. That he deserves to be happy. I told her I thought of him as a companion, and that our paths line up for right now, and right now it is healthy for both of us. I told her that I care for him, deeply, but that I didn’t want to step between or mess anything up between the two of them.
She assured me that her and Zane are only close friends. That she cares deeply for him too, but that it would never be anything more than friendship.
I feel like Nik and I bonded a lot over that one breakfast, and I feel much more stable between her and I, and Zane and I.
It made me feel good when Zane came back after walking Nik to her car and said, “I don’t know what you guys talked about, but she really likes you.”
That was Tuesday. I was supposed to have that day off. Zane was sad, which I knew he would be. Goodbyes always suck. He wanted me to stay the day with him, and I had planned to.
My plans of Witcher 3 could wait. I wanted to make sure he was ok.
Instead I got called into work, which there’s already a whole post about that. All in all it wasn’t a bad day. Very few questions, and I had homework that I got done while I was there. But it still sucked and I’m still not ok with it. It still will be the catalyst for my leaving work eventually.
I came back to the apartment after work. Trevor, one of Zane’s roommates, had made dinner; a leek and potato soup, which was fantastic. All of us watched the new episode of Game of Thrones.
I stayed the night and it felt like being home. Nothing sexual happened. We just went to sleep, but the warmth, the smells, it felt right. It felt comforting, and safe, and like where I was supposed to be.
I woke up at 8:30 to go to the gym. I biked for 16 miles. I didn’t stay for the whole class because I was still extremely dehydrated, but it was a good workout and I was glad that I went. I stopped by the gas station on my way back to Zane’s place to get Gatorade and a couple of bananas to go with breakfast.
I cooked eggs once I got home for both Zane and I. I cut up the veggies for the shrimp scampi later that night. I showered, had my coffee and food and watched a bit of TV with Zane before going to work.
I got caught up on everything that I needed to email wise. I got my Behance profile created for my class. I got my pre-pro done for my final project and even started work on my Illustrator Friday Challenge.
Frank had a headache / migraine yesterday, so he left during the second lab, but I was able to answer all of the questions on my own so I was fine with it.
Trevor was doing the dishes when I got home, so I didn’t have to worry about cleaning the kitchen before being able to cook. I made dinner for Zane and I. We watched Archer for a while, but eventually I got tired and was going to go to sleep.
I know Zane’s still sad. I can feel it. We talked about that for a while. I know this is where people think I’m crazy because it’s more talk about energy and empathic traits and crazy stuff that other people don’t believe in. And I’m ok with that.
What I feel doesn’t change because of other people’s opinions. I can feel his sadness. It’s heavy and cold, like a crushing weight. I can feel it in my chest and I ache for him. And I know there is nothing I can do. There is nothing anyone can do to take it away or ease it.
Only time can heal this. And we both know it.
I told him that I was worried that I would be a form of self-medication for him. I said that I was worried that he would want me to stay so he wouldn’t have to be alone to process through the emotions.
He understood where I was coming from, and assured me that it wasn’t self-medication.
We are both sort of worried about how it seems that we don’t want to be away from each other. We’re not really worried about the amount of time we’re together. It’s the fact that it feels like we can’t be apart.
We’re conscious of this aspect of our dynamic. I want to think about it more before continuing to write about it. Maybe have another conversation with Zane to wander through the thoughts more. But for now it is nice to know that it is a mutual feeling and worry.
It’s not just inside of my head. It’s not just me. We both feel it and we both are aware that it may be something we need to temper.
Right now I have been awake for about 3 hours. I have had breakfast sans coffee. I ran out yesterday and forgot to write it on the to do list to pick up more. So instead I had hot dark chocolate. I might actually have another cup before going to the gym.
And yes, I will be going to the gym. Today will be a run day. And it will be a fantastic run. Afterwards I will go to work, clock in, and continue to have a chill, low-key, productive day.
Friday I have off. Saturday I work, and Sunday I have off. The Pathfinder game Sunday I believe is cancelled since two of the players can’t be there. But since I haven’t had a chance to finish filling out my character sheet, for either character, I think that’s for the best.
Zane hasn’t had a chance to do any of the DM stuff that he needed to do anyway, what with Nik being here and all.
So that will give us Sunday to spend together. I think that will be good for both of us. A low day where neither of us has work or obligations to go anywhere. Maybe we’ll go to the park ourselves just to get out of the house. Maybe we’ll make it a game day where we order pizza again and just veg while doing Pathfinder stuff and watching TV.
Next week starts the new month. A new class for my degree program. I’ll be able to do the gym and dojo, which I can’t wait to go back to. I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday finally. I’m starting to schedule all of the appointments I wanted to do. Next will be primary doctor, then eye doctor for new glasses. I want to get transition glasses so I can stop wearing clip on sunglasses. I always end up leaving them in weird places…
And really I think that’s about everything for now. I feel ok. I actually believe that things are and will continue to be ok.
I feel like I’m on solid ground again and that I’m standing up and getting ready to keep moving forward.