I meant to post this yesterday, but never got around to it because slackers be slackin’. It’s sort of incomplete because I got interrupted while I was writing, but I don’t think it is right to add anything to it. The moment has passed.
So this is where I was last night.
I’m still pretty introspective.
I suppose I should look further into the fear thing.
DM and I agreed that we would take a few days to step back and process our feelings and figure out what each of us wanted. We had spent the night apart, but hung out for a fair amount of the day. We were at the hookah lounge where he works when I had to leave to go to work. We said good-bye and that we would see each other Thursday.
I was chiding myself all night for feeling like Thursday was forever away. It was only a few days. Surely I would be fine. After only a week of knowing him I really shouldn’t be feeling like this.
Damn you feelings. Damn you!
I suppose a lot of it has to do with myself. I know that I need physical and mental contact, and yet I did nothing for so long to have or foster that type of contact. Now that I have it, it feels like I’m starving, dying of dehydration, and DM is offering me water and food.
The thought of even going even a little while without it makes me want to cling to what I have. Like I’m scared I’ll never get it back. That it will all end and I’ll go back to feeling alone.
I recognize this in myself. I can see my mentality, where the emotions are stemming from, and why they’re there. I know it’s not a true mentality and that it is something I need to temper.
So yeah, I went to work, trying to sooth the emotions in me. Knowing why they are there helps actually. But that doesn’t make them go away.
I ended up getting a text from DM shortly before I left work saying that he had processed and wanted to talk if I was ready to.
I had made my pro/con list the night I was at home, and though I know there’s still things to think through, I felt like having the conversation sooner rather than later would be good. I wasn’t looking forward to the anxiety of the coming days.
Would he want to keep going? Would he want to end it? Had I done something incredibly silly to deter him? Is my short hair really a deal breaker? Maybe I really am boring and a lame friend…
Yeah… giving my brain two days alone didn’t sound like a good idea. Lets get this band-aid over with. The sooner we could talk, the sooner I would know and have the information to move on with my life, in which ever direction it went.
So I went back over to his apartment after work. We went to his room and sat on his bed. I was hugging one of his pillows in my lap because holding things or fidgeting with things gives my hands something to do. It gives the nervous energy somewhere to go.
He mentioned how I was closed off. And I said yeah, I was. I was worried that it was over and that made me want to withdrawal.
He wanted me to go first because he wanted to hear what I thought, which made me even more nervous, but luckily he ended up going first.
He explained that he really liked me, and that he wasn’t ready for things to end. He wanted to see where things go. He said his biggest worry was about messing up, or me realizing that he’s a jerk.
I told him that I made a pro/con list. He made a comment about how he didn’t go that far so I had to explain that it wasn’t so much that I went ‘that far’. It’s more that writing things out helps me keep it straight and see it more from a logic standpoint because the emotions can get in the way.
He understood that, and didn’t make me feel weird for it.
I told him that my biggest fear was messing it up to. That most of my relationships move super fast.
He agreed that his did as well, and that’s not something he wanted to have happen with us.
I brought up the fact that nothing that has happened between us has felt forced or rushed. Which leaves the question, what is too fast?
“Ah, that is the question, isn’t it?” He said.
So we agreed that we’re ok. Things are good between us and we like where things are at. So, we’re going to see where things go.
We both talked about how we want another person in our lives, but how it’s not just ‘any person’. He said that he was tired of falling asleep alone, and I said how I was tired of coming home to an empty room.
I’m worried and nervous, yet at the same time happy and content. I’m going to go with it. I’m curious.
I know there’s more to write about. I didn’t even touch on the whole fear thing. But for right now I feel sort of written out.
I’m glad to know that the feelings I have are mutual. I’m glad that even though he isn’t a huge fan of my hair (yeah… I broke down and asked) that he is able to see the me past just my physical appearance.
I feel sort of open and vulnerable at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s because my writing has strayed too close to sensitive topics. Maybe it’s the newness and worry. Maybe it’s that combined with the slight overwhelmed feeling because work was pretty intense today.