I meant to write yesterday but didn’t. Oh well. I’m writing now, so here we go.
When I was out at breakfast with Nik earlier in the week we were talking about D/s dynamics and submission in general. I explained how I didn’t want that type of relationship with Zane, and that I was content with the dynamic we currently have.
I don’t want that at all right now, actually. I’m tired of trying and having it blow up in my face. I like having a friend right now. I like the companionship and affection. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I found, and right now that’s enough.
While Nik and I were talking I went on to say how I didn’t know if I was really submissive any more, or if I had ever been one. I talked about some of my past experiences and why I felt that way, and how it was confusing and conflicting for me and just another thing on the list of endless things to eventually, one day, figure out about myself.
She smiled and recommended a book to me. She said it sounded like I was a Warrior Princess Submissive, and that I might gain a lot from reading the book, deceptively called The Warrior Princess Submissive.
She said I wouldn’t find much information online and that my best bet would be to buy the book.
It was a few days later before I actually started poking around online. True to her word I didn’t find much about Warrior Princess Submissives, but I found the book, and I found quotes from the book. I liked the quotes. They interested me and made me want to read more.
I thought about buying it, then thought about the Buddhist book I still haven’t finished reading. I told myself that before I bought a new book I really should finish reading that one first…
So I didn’t buy it that night.
Instead I waited until the next night because my brain wouldn’t leave it alone. I had to have this book. I really wanted to read it and to see if it really did have anything insightful for me.
It was one of those things where I could either continue resisting and suffer for a few days, struggling with myself, or just admit that I was going to buy the book before finishing my other book regardless and just go ahead and do it, skipping the days of mental abuse I would put myself through…
Pick your battles, right? I prefer to pick ones that I know I’ll win…
So I bought the book at 7pm Thursday night. I started reading it in the middle of my lab, and only stopped reading it long enough to go home to Zane. While he played Tales of Vesperia I read page after page until suddenly it was 3am and the book was done.
I was left thoughtful. There had been a lot of interesting points, some funny passages, some heartfelt stories. There were also sections that I identified with so much that it left me uncomfortable. It showed my weaknesses. It showed things I struggle with. It was like reading my own brain in certain chapters. Like this person had been following me, had been inside my head, and knew how I felt.
It was like he had access to the very center of my personality. My core. Not only did he have access to it, he had just typed it all out into a book and handed it to me like it was a little, mini “Jen Manual” or something.
Unsettling is one of way describing it.
There were a few times that I wanted to stop reading and walk away because I felt so vulnerable, in a way almost violated, just because of how close to home some of the text hit. But I couldn’t stop reading. I had to get to the end. I had to get to the next chapter. I had to know what else this person knew about me.
Of course we’ve never met. Of course this book isn’t about me at all. And there are some things that I’m like… Nope. Not even close… but there are so many thing in it that are me. I love it and hate it at the same time. How could someone, a stranger, know so much about me, be able to explain it so simply, when I myself have never been able to figure it out?
It doesn’t seem fair. And then I think about how INFJs are always better at understanding other people then they are themselves.
Does it matter how this person got the information?
No… I guess not. But I don’t like someone knowing how I work. It’s a weird feeling. A new feeling. I don’t know where it goes in relation to all of my other emotions. I don’t have a spot for it. So I’m flustered with it.
Where do you belong? /glare
But, no. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I have information now. I have new thoughts to chew on and contemplate. I have new reasons to be introspective.
I am going to be re-reading the book and writing my thoughts about each chapter. These posts will go into Musing Moments and I am hoping they will help me in figuring out this part of my personality, which I have always struggled with understanding and explaining to others.
In other news I got my Illustrator Friday Challenge assignment done last night. I like where it is going, but I don’t feel like it is done. I will most likely keep working on this assignment after the class simply because I want to see this image to its full realization.
I will post what I was able to get done with it in my Dragon’s Horde shortly.
I made Dong Po for dinner last night. The apartment smelled amazing from letting the meat simmer for a few hours in the sauce. Over all, I liked how it turned out. We had left over noodles from the shrimp scampi, but I feel rice would have been a better side dish.
I went to sleep around 3am again. Zane stayed up for a bit playing his game more. I’ve been enjoying watching him play. Or in the case of Thursday, doing my own thing on the couch with him while he plays. It’s nice to know we don’t have to be doing the same thing together all the time.
I slept well, but am still tired. It feels like a body tired, though. My muscles are sore from the gym yesterday. Biking, running, and rowing, followed by a bit of stretching. I plan on taking it easy today, which may or may not bite me later. The smart thing to do would be to stretch since the soreness is due to acid build up.
I’ve had an awesome morning so far. I slept as long as I wanted, and didn’t wake up to an alarm. I had eggs with coffee. I’ve had a hot, relaxing shower. Zane and I had some interesting conversation. I got ready for work, and so far work has been laid back. It’s the last lab of the month so most people are finishing up their assignments, which means they can leave lab early.
I was supposed to have lunch with Joshua to get my vacuum back, but he needs to keep using it for a bit, so I’m going to be getting it back tomorrow instead. That also means lunch is canceled. Sad day.
I have dinner plans with Rhonda. I’m trying to get those changed to 6:30. Currently I am supposed to meet her at 5pm. I messaged her on Facebook, but I don’t think she uses it all that often, so I’m not sure if she’ll actually get my message. We really should just exchange phone numbers… I’ll send her another message about that.
Sunday is my day off. Monday is a day off. Tuesday is admin hours and my dentist appointment. My next actual lab is Wednesday at 5am.
I’m hoping Zane and I can finish my characters for the Pathfinder game tomorrow. Monday is Teakwondo and Aikido. I haven’t looked to see what classes are going on at the gym, but that’s on the to-do list for the day. I have my final assignment to work on which will happen later tonight while Zane is at work.
For now that’s it I’m pretty sure. Good, slow day so far.