I feel like I’ve written a lot. I feel like I’m glad next week is summer vacation and that I don’t have classes to teach or homework to worry about. Honestly I’ve been so focused on getting through this week that I haven’t planned anything for next week. I don’t have much motivation for anything at the moment.
The first thing that comes to mind is going to the beach. Sitting in the sand and watching the ocean, the waves rolling over the whiteness stretching before me. Over and over, tireless continueing, creeping ever closer, then retreating further away, only to come close again.
I can imagine the sun glaring down on my shoulders, my toes digging into the wet sand, and the cool breeze kissing my skin.
Maybe I will do that. Or the cold springs. Something out in nature, something that will wash me clean.
I wrote a lot yesterday. I wrote about the conversations I had with Zane. I wrote about a lot of things that have been on my mind lately. That’s what I did for most of the SAL lab yesterday. Think, and write.
I was rested from having slept well. I was fed because Zane had made me breakfast. And I was clear headed because I had mostly worked through the knotted yarn ball that had been rolling around inside me.
I wasn’t done writing when lab ended. I came home and sat on the couch with Zane while I finished. It actually took a while. I didn’t post it right away becasuse I wanted to proof read it a bit. I knew there were tons of typos in it, and most likely there still are. But at least it’s better than it was.
Saturday night I was supposed to hang out with Frank, his wife, and some of their other friends for cards. The original idea was to play Magic the Gathering, which meant I had to go to the storage unit to get my cards. Since I had to go to the storage unit I decided to take a few boxes of stuff the guys wanted to put in storage. Zane’s winter clothing, some wine glasses that Trevor had packed up, and the bit of kitchen stuff that I wasn’t going to be using.
Zane helped me carry the boxes to my car and I made sure to have the card to access the unit. When I got to the unit there were a ton of people there, so I had to wait for a cart, but once I got one the process was pretty painless. Put the stuff away, got my box of cards, then left.
I went to the gym before going home. I wanted to go running before I gave myself a chance to not do it. I ran for a solid 3:30 interval. That’s over double my normal run time. I’m happy with that. It was at a slower pace, which affected my time, but totally proud. I will definitely be upping my interval times for the coming week.
Because Runkeeper can’t track the distance I run on a treadmill I normally text my stats to someone; usually the last person I sent a message to just because it’s convienant.
So I text Zane my numbers. 1.17 miles in 20 minutes.
He replied back asking if was tired. I replied, “Nope. Are you?” I wasn’t really sure what he was getting at, so I was just going with it.
He replied back saying that I had had better times than that.
I was empty for a few minutes. And then I was angry. So what if I have had better times that that? Not all of my times are going to be personal records. And I’m pretty sure that time was way better than yesterday’s time where I didn’t go running at all. And I’m pretty sure it’s a hell of a lot better than YOUR time, since you don’t run at all.
But there was a part of me who was hurt more than angry. I have had better times than that. Maybe I didn’t run as hard or as well as it felt like I did. Maybe I’m letting myself and other people down. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.
Having either of those emotions after what I had felt like was a good workout sucked. I didn’t stretch as long as I should have. I didn’t want to be at the gym. I didn’t like this wounded feeling, and I knew I needed to talk to Zane about it. I did’nt feel like it was fair.
I got home, but couldn’t say anything because the anger was still too strong. He offered to get me a glass of water after a few minutes of me sitting. I was still breathing hard, cooling down. I nodded yes.
I knew I hadn’t been drinking enough water. I could feel it in my skin. I felt sunburnt and overly hot, and I guess Zane could tell that I was overheating. He said my skin was extremely red, and that I aught to take a cold shower once I was done drinking.
That really didn’t help the anger in me. On top of feeling insulted, now I was being told what to do. Screw you and your horse. I’m going to sit on the floor and cuddle with Scarlet instead.
After a little bit Zane asked if I was ok. I said that his text message bothered me. But that it bothered me because of pride, and that eventually I would get over it. I thought it was a good run, so it was a good run. If other people didn’t think it was a good run then they could go have their own run.
I looked at Runkeeper to see my previous times. Going backwards from yesterday my times are 17 minute mile, 16:30, 16, 15. So yes, my previous runs are better. I’m still three minutes under that I consider normal for me. For the longest time I averaged a 20 minute mile. I’m happy and proud of 18, and here I am still under even that and going for an interval that is over double what I normally do.
Gah. Rawr. Rage.
Zane said he hadn’t meant anything insulting. That he had been worried that I was too tired to run; which to be fair I was pretty tired before heading out. It most likely didn’t help my case to come home over heated.
But still. I didn’t like having my time commented on. He’s text back a few times in the past saying things like, “Awesome.” He was being positive and supportive and even those bothered me. I don’t want comments. I don’t want outside commentary. I just want a place to put my stats so I can log them online later.
Maybe it would be best to find a new place to store the information to avoid situations like that. I know it wasn’t malicious, but I’m still a little miffed about it.
I did end up taking a cold shower, which is not normal for me. I typically bathe in lava. I felt so warm though, and the water I had drunk wasn’t helping yet. After the shower I sent a text to Frank asking for his address. Cards was supposed to start around 7 and it was 6:50.
I was pretty sure I could find his house again on my own, but I wanted the address to be safe. At 7:05 I decided to go ahead and go, and if got lost I would try calling. I stopped by the CVS near the apartment to get chips, salsa, and Gatorade for myself. I didn’t think drinking alcohol would be a smart move.
I found the house fine. Frank was actually walking outside right when I pulled up. He helped carry the chips and salsa in, but since there were going to be 8 people at the house, we decided to go with Cards Against Humanity rather than Magic the Gathering.
I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to last with that many people, and with me only knowing two of them. But I told myself that my curfew was 11. That was the latest I would be out, no matter what.
Frank had ordered pizza, so I had some of that while we all chatted for a bit. I did end up having one drink, and once the food was done we got to playing cards.
It was fun and I enjoyed myself. I ended up leaving at 10 instead of 11, but I was tired. I hadn’t napped during the day, and I had my
amazingly fantastic, take your opinion and shove it, uber run at the gym earlier.
Zane had work at 9pm so he wasn’t home when I got home. I set my alarm for 1:30 before getting into bed so I would be able to pick up Zane if he needed a ride. He had mentioned earlier that Pat had offered to bring him back to the apartment after the lounge had closed, and that he would keep me posted on his ride status.
So at 1:20ish Zane said he didn’t need a ride. I text back saying ok, and that I would see him when he got home, turned off my alarm, and immediately went back to sleep.
When Zane got home we had our routine; wake me up to say hi, talk about our days, offer to smoke hookah or sleep more.
My legs hurt, more than normal. If I had to guess I would say it’s a mix of working on endurance and not stretching properly. Zane said he could feel knots in my calves, and helped work them out. So not fun, but I don’t have pain this morning, so it was worth suffering through.
I actually opted to stay asleep last night. I’m not sure when Zane came to bed, but at some point he did. I’ve been up since around 9am. There’s a yoga class at 11. I’m not sure if I’ll go to it. Even as I type that I’ve already pretty much solidified that I’m not going to in my head. I’m not ready to be out and about with the day.
Yesterday when we were originally figuring out what to do with today, Zane had wanted to stay at home and work on his game. But when he mentioned it to me he saw I wasn’t all that enthused. I didn’t really have plans for my day or anything, but it would have been nice to pick out something for myself rather than being given something. Especially since I wouldn’t want to stay inside all day. I would at least want to break it up with a trip to the grocery store, or the gym. Something to get a little bit of sunlight.
He came back a little later and said that he actually wanted me to pick something for us to do. He wanted me to enjoy my day off. I felt bad at first. I knew he wanted to work on his game and that it’s important to him, but I also knew that I wanted to, as he said, enjoy the time I had off because I get so little of it. I wanted to be selfish and so something that I wanted to do.
He had mentioned a few days ago how we were out of sage. There’s a metaphysical shop near where we live called Avalon. Zane went there with Nic while she was visiting, and told me about the shop. It seemed like an interesting place and I’ve wanted to go there just to poke around for a while.
I asked if we could go there tomorrow. He could get sage I could explore. It was a nice compromise in my book. Zane liked the idea. I said we would be really close to a Thia restaurant that I really like as well. We could get lunch while we’re out, and while we’re eating we could talk about game stuff. He wanted me to help figure out the spells for magic users.
He liked that idea, too.
So that’s our game plan at the moment. Some exploring, some lunch, some brainstorming, grocery either today or tomorrow. Later there’s a new episode of Is It Wrong To Pick Up Chicks In A Dungeon, and later tonight is game night. I’m looking forward to my day.