There are a few topics that I need to work through at the moment. They’ll each get their own section, so hopefully I don’t tangent all over the place. That being said, I do expect this to be a bit of a winding, long, TLDR post.
I feel I have strayed from my journey. The very beginning of my blog, the first post, was the day I shaved my head. It was the start. It was where I dedicated myself to myself, and proclaimed that I would focus on improvement.
I would focus on my health, my faith, my emotional and spiritual well-being. I would work on me and my insecurities. I would solidify the direction I was headed in life.
I gave Freya my word that I would honor her through my actions. Through honoring myself and what I had / have been given I would in turn bring her honor. I decided to explore Buddhism, and to try to reach higher levels of enlightenment.
I feel I have strayed from this path. I feel while it is important to ‘go with the flow’ that at the moment I am in a storm of my own creation. I am being tossed about by angry waves and that I am not on the course I had originally intended for myself.
I have yet to finish Buddhism Plan and Simple, which I started months ago. I have not been diligent with the gym, running, or yoga, which is a form of worship for me. I have let my eating habits slip, which is dishonoring my body, which in turn dishonors my goddess.
Little transgressions, small cuts, which I feel are building to bleed me out. I am wounding this area of my life and it is causing discord. I need to acknowledge my actions and actively work to correct them rather than continuing to do things I know taking me away from where I want to go; away from my goddess.
I am a warrior. I will overcome any foe, including my own mentalities. I will not hold myself back. I will persevere and be victorious. I will reach my goals and I will return to the inner peace I know I am capable of feeling.
I feel like John, my younger brother, and I are drifting apart. It’s hard for us to line up our schedules, what with mine always being screwy and him being in Germany. I feel his absence. He may be taking leave to visit soon. The only thing to really do is acknowledge these emotions, accept them within myself. I miss him, and will continue to miss him.
My mom is getting ready to move to Las Vegas to be closer to my older bother, sister in law, and my nephew. She will no longer be a six hour drive from me. I haven’t come to terms with this yet. It’s not real in my head.
I know this is going to be hard for me, for both of us. My mom and I are extremely close. I know I’m going to experience feelings of abandonment. It will be one more reason for me to leave Florida; to be closer with my family. Since this has yet to happen, again, there’s not much else to do other than to acknowledge the feelings and to move on.
I am more settled about the feelings with my dad. Father’s Day was hard, not as hard so it is for some. But knowing that does not diminish or make my own feelings less valid.
He didn’t reach out to me, and I didn’t reach out to him. There’s not much else to say. Things are as they were. Each year it gets easier. Not by much, but I accept that we are different people. We can’t have what we did when I was a child because I am no longer a child. He has two other daughters. He has another wife. He himself is a different person. The past is where it belongs, in the past, and while I miss the relationship we had, some relationships are meant to end. I feel this is one of the ones in my life that I need to truly let go of.
Ex. I dislike this term so much. I dislike thinking of my relationships, any relationship, has ‘failed’. I dislike how some of the relationships in my past are with people whom I can no longer talk to. I dislike that things turned out so badly that something I though was positive, lasting, turned into something corrosive, corrupted. Poisoned to the point that even the friendship I thought was there could no longer be salvaged.
I miss Mother Earth, Sammie, my other half. As her wedding draws closer I feel smaller and more frail in this area. I want to be able to hug her. I want to be able to see her and Josh. I want for us to pile into the truck together to go grocery shopping. I want us to share ice cream, or go to Denny’s. I want to bake zucchini fries using the fry cutter she gave me. I want to make the zucchini brownies she loved so much. I want to say I’m sorry. I want her to hold me while I cry. I want things between us to be ok, because I feel like they aren’t still.
And maybe that’s all inside of my head. I feel no matter what that it is selfish of me. I feel like the lapse in communication was on my part, that though a relationship takes two people, that I was the one in the wrong.
I should have asked or been more up front about meeting people. I should have considered how Mother Earth would feel finding out about Zane through my blog rather than through a phone call, or even a Facebook message. It wasn’t fair to her. She deserved better, and there’s nothing I can do to go back and change how I chose to handle the situation.
The only way to mend this is by reaching out. This is a relationship I do not want to lose. I feel this is a relationship worth fighting for. I will try to mend the trust I broke. I will do my best to try to right the wrong, the hurt, I have caused, and in the end I feel that is all I can do. My best.
RB. I miss him as well. I ache to know he is ok. I hope he is healing. I hope he is moving forward and finding himself. I hope he forgives me for my anger. I hope he understands why all of the situation bothered me so much. I hope he still thinks fondly of me. I hope he finds happiness.
I don’t think we would be able to have a friendship. I don’t think either of us would be able to separate from our past to have a dynamic going forward. Or maybe it is simply I who would have the problem. Maybe that is why I cannot reach out on my own to get the answers to my questions.
I have yet to figure out what to do in this regard. I am not ready to let go completely, and I’m sorry I’m not. I’m sorry we hurt each other and that those wounds haven’t healed fully for me.
Zane. He’s new in the fabric of my life, and yet we mesh so well it seems like he’s always been there. His unbiased and detached nature makes me feel open and safe with him. There are emotions involved, and yet we recognizes that it is for the here and now, however long that may be.
There’s not the pressure of forever. There’s not the pressure of being the one and only. There’s not the burden of being perfect. There are all of these things that aren’t present and it is freeing for me.
I can be myself. I can focus on me. I can go about my day as I please. I choose to be present. Maybe it is reverse psychology, but because I have the choice of what I do, I am more willing to give.
I feel he is helping me heal in ways that I couldn’t on my own, and I am grateful for that. I appreciate his time, I appreciate when he offers to do things for me. I am becoming aware of when I pull away from people and when I shut down. I am learning how to communicate through my fear.
We may not last. Our paths may diverge and I accept that. He gives me a connection to the here and now. To Florida. He gives me the companionship and affection I was withering without. And for that I am grateful. I am happy for what I have with him.
I don’t think there is much more to say for this dynamic. It will continue to grow and evolve and develop, and wherever it goes is where it is meant to be.
Brad. You’re new, too. The newest. Only a handful of days but you’re inside my brain. We are able to connect on a deep spiritual level and I find that fascinating. In so many ways you are like Zane, and yet not.
I have my Earth with Zane. My groundedness, my connection. With you I feel like I have Fire. I do not like comparing companions. Everyone is different, unique. Everyone has their own story, and I am enjoying listening to yours. I’m enjoying sharing mine. I am enjoying conversing with you, and there is a part of me that is glad you live just far enough away that we haven’t met in person yet. I like how even though there is an attraction that it is still just a mental connection so far.
I feel this is at the very least a friendship that will stand the test of time. As silly as it may sound I know you understand. INFJ meet INFP. Our thought processes are so similar, and we both have the NiFe that is so misunderstood by the other 97% of the population. I know I don’t have to worry about sounding crazy when I talk about vibes or energies, or how my intuition has never led me wrong.
You are already a confidant simply because of that intuition. You are part of my clan, my inner circle. Sorry, not sorry. : p
Thank you for your trust and understanding. Thank you for giving me your acceptance so readily. I look forward to where our conversations go, and no matter where that ends up, know that I wish nothing but the best for you. I wish you peace and a full life.
Ari. I hope we can move past where we are. I hope one day I can feel comfortable being alone with you again. I hope one day that I will be able to explain why I am uncomfortable around you right now and why I don’t want to hang out or go on dates and outings. Why I avoid them and always seem to have an excuse.
I feel I am not being fair to you. You say our friendship matters more than your desire for a relationship, but I don’t feel that from our interactions. I don’t feel that from your energy. I still feel as if you need to focus on you rather than external forces.
I feel you are where I used to be. You need to heal. You need to love yourself and until that happens you will always find your interactions lacking. They will always fall short of fulfilling you because true happiness can only come from yourself.
I will always love you and as with everyone else, I will only wish the best for you. I cannot give you want you are seeking. Only you can do that, and until you accept that I feel the need to distance myself from you. You must learn to stand on your own, and when you do you will be a force, a light that will shine so brightly, so radiantly. I look forward to seeing that day.
I have touched on this mildly already with my concerns about faith.
Due to my schedule with work this coming month I have decided to cancel my dojo membership. I am saddened to feel this is the best choice, but I cannot justify $95 when I will never be able to go to the classes; when I cannot train.
I have not given up on aikido or taekwondo. I plan to return. I feel it is something I am meant to do at my core. I still want to teach aikido as my long-term goal, my calling. A peaceful warrior.
Because I budget $95 for my dojo fees I plan to transfer this money into the gym since I will be more readily able to go there. I will look into having a personal trainer for this coming month. I will continue to be diligent in my running and becoming more comfortable in the new gym.
I feel this lines up with my health goals, and would be a good investment of the unused membership money.
If it does not work out that I can afford a trainer I will then instead use the money to continue paying down the Bank of America card so I can be done with that task faster.
Until I talk to a trainer at the gym this is the best I can do. Creating a battle plan and a back up plan. We will see what happens.
As far as food and returning to eating clean, Zane is supportive, which will make it easier. We already have returned to meal planning. The only thing to do further with this is to continue on the path.
We choose healthy meals, we have healthy snacks. With the move over and the return to a ‘normal’ schedule the need / desire to eat out is less. While I am used to cooking all of my meals it is working well to share the task of cooking with the other members of the apartment. It is not a task that I need to worry about. I can cook on days where it is convenient for me to do so, and the other days the task is delegated to someone else who can more easily handle the responsibility.
We’re a family of sorts, and we help each other. It is a feeling that I had when I lived with Mother Earth, and I am glad to have found it again. I am glad that one of my biggest concerns, food, is no longer something that requires so much of my focus.
As I said, I feel I am back on the path I was on in this regard. All that’s left is to keep moving forward.
School, Work, and the Burn Out of Both
Why am I not motivated to do my school work?
Honestly, because I’m burnt out. With school, and with work, and that’s slowly bleeding over into life.
This past month wasn’t fun. It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. It was hard going to sleep around 3am, when I naturally become tired, only to wake up at 4:30 for work. I am not a morning person. I’m not going to pretend or try to be anymore.
It didn’t work, and it won’t work next time. I spent all month feeling tired and drained, unmotivated to do the things I needed or wanted to do because the need for sleep outweighed everything else.
I’m tired of being placed in labs where I am not competent. Aiding Shading and Lighting was supposed to be temporary. All of us as lab specialist keep being promised that things will get better, but it has been a year, longer I believe, and nothing has changed.
I’m not ok with this.
I do not feel fulfilled with my work and that is bleeding into everything else. I am unsatisfied and instead of doing anything about it I have gone month to month letting this burn out continue.
I constantly write how if people do not like where they are at they should take action to change it.
I used to love my job. I want to love it again. I want to look forward to going to work as I once did. But that doesn’t change the fact that currently I don’t love it. That currently I do feel like I am wasting my life being unhappy. I do not feel my job is worthwhile any more and that bothers me because it has nothing to do with the students.
I feel unvalued as an employee. My complaints go unaddressed, the small things which could make the environment better get denied. Employe appreciation events are canceled.
So far nothing I have done on my own has eased over these negative feelings. Each month I have to compromise or give something up for my job. Each month I sacrifice to something that gives nothing in return. Each month is another month where I care a little less. Give a little less.
I should follow the advice I give. If life is too short to spend being unhappy, then I should change my situation so that I am living by the values and morals I honor.
I will be talking with Clavan to see if there are changes that can be made. I have a few ideas to discuss with him. If nothing can be done to help me feel more fulfilled then I will give myself three months to find another avenue which might correct this imbalance.
Three months to find a new job.
That is my deal with myself. Try to fix it. If it can’t be fixed, then move on.
The degree, the schooling, isn’t worth being miserable for. If I really wanted to I could teach myself the skills I am learning. In some ways I wonder if that would be easier. I wouldn’t have the stress of a job I don’t like which is where all of my demotivation is coming from.
It’s not that I don’t want to do the assignment, that’s that I’m having to put so much effort into combating my burn out that I have nothing left to give to school. And that’s on top of struggling with feeling like a competent artist.
I can’t build my self esteem when I have no energy to work with. When my reservers are already depleted.
The first step is to talk to Clavan. From there I will know what is possible. But having talked to Zane I see now that my work environment is a negative influence in my life at the moment; one that needs to be addressed and changed, one way or another.
There are a lot of things I am addressing at the moment. Writing about them has helped. I’m done with feeling stagnant. I’m done with feeling trapped and as if I’m in a rut. I’m tired of sitting and doing nothing to change the things that bother me.
I will change the things I can, and let go of the things I can’t.