It’s been about a week since I wrote. A lot has happened, yet at the same time it feels like I don’t have anything to talk about. It feels like nothing has changed.
I’m still broke, to the point where I might take up my mom’s offer for help. I was looking for my Bank of America credit card last night in the storage unit. But I’m pretty sure I cut it up and threw it away a while ago. So that’s no help.
I got a membership to the LA Fitness. It’s a nice gym. I’ve been there a few times, but it’s still new so I’m intimidated by it. I had a free session with a personal trainer, which was good and bad at the same time. The workout itself was amazing. Seriously… I was with this dude for nine minutes and I can’t remember a time I felt that sore. He knew what he was doing for sure, and I really am tempted to sign up for more sessions.
At the same time, once we got back to the desk after the workout he was super pushy on me signing up for training. It was a massive turn off. I even asked if I could come back in a few hours after checking my budget, just so I could be comfortable with my choice, to which the answer was no.
Well sorry then, Mr. Dude. I’m not going to blindly make choices like that anymore. He also made it seem like the four pant sizes I’ve lost on my own weren’t a big deal, and that the only way I would reach a healthy weight was if I had help from a personal trainer.
Um… it might not be a big deal to you, or the rest of the world, or to anyone who hasn’t known me and my self confidence issues or my struggle with losing weight since I was in middle school, but it’s a pretty big freaking deal to me, so don’t make me feel like my accomplishment is meaningless. And don’t make it seem like I’ll never get there on my own.
All he did was make me want to dig my heels in and not move forward with it. And if I’m honest, since this is my blank page where I get to spill all of those icky insecurities and ugly truths, it made me depressed. Actually it’s part of why I’m still depressed right now. It made me not want to go back, and so I haven’t yet.
It felt like he was saying, “Yeah, all that effort you’ve been doing isn’t good enough. It will never be good enough. Enjoy failing on your own.”
Thanks… totally motivated to come back now. I’m going to go curl up on the couch and think about what I’ve been doing with my life since February. I know that’s not how it was meant, and I know it’s most likely me overreacting and being overly sensitive. But it sucked. It made a super awesome workout feel like crap at the end. And yeah… I haven’t been back since then because I’ve been too emo and sore… mostly emo.
He didn’t walk me through any of the machines on the floor so even though I know how to use most of them, I haven’t been shown how to use ‘these’ machines. It’s a new place, a new set up. I would have liked having a walk through. It would have helped my intimidation and anxiety. One of those, “I’ve done this once before and survived, and didn’t look like a total fool. I got this,” sort of thing.
I don’t want to do free weights, and unlike the YMCA there isn’t a hidden back room where I can do my own thing without people seeing me. The only free space is in the middle of the gym, in total view of the “Do you even lift, bro?” dudes. No… I don’t lift, bro.
I haven’t gone to any of the classes even though I’ve wanted to. There’s a kickboxing class, there’s yoga, there’s even belly dancing. Haven’t done a single thing with it because feeling sorry for myself seems like a better investment of my time…
Seriously?… Gah, get over yourself and just go to the fucking gym. Who cares if you do a bunch of cardio instead of strength? You (normally) do aikido and taekwondo as well. You do a lot. And when you eat clean you do lose mass. You made huge progress on your own.
No, you may not have lost 60 lbs on your own, but you lost 40 lbs, so Mr. Personal Trainer can shove it.
Maybe we need to start out slower than what we’ve been trying to do. Just go running for a few weeks until you feel more comfortable there. Then add in one class. Not all of them. Maybe spin. You like spin classes. Then maybe yoga. Then test out the boxing stuff since that will be more intense. And eventually belly dancing. It doesn’t have to be all right now.
And it doesn’t have to be with a personal trainer. You’ve made this much progress on your own. Keep kicking ass and taking names.
Come on. Are you proud of you? Not really? That’s ok. Do what you need / want to do to fix it. No one else matters. Not a personal trainer, not Zane, not anyone else who’s on the outside of your brain. Make yourself happy and everything else will follow.
/ end motivational self talk
I think I needed that pick me up.
Things haven’t been all that awesome really. And interesting enough, it has nothing to do with the move or Zane. In fact that area of life is fine. It’s everything else, because once one area is balanced everything else has to swing into udder chaos…
I figured out what was going on with the debt collector. Apparently when I was with Verizon my contract auto renewed. When I canceled my line it was before the unsigned ‘renewed’ contract ended. So the $100 in charges are cancelation fees… From three years ago… that they never told me about or tried to contact me for…
Seriously with how obsessed I am with my finances if they had told me there was a charge or a fee I would have paid it, or I don’t know, waited the one month for the contract to be over so there wouldn’t be fees to begin with.
And why did it take three years for you guys to figure out there was a fee that I needed to pay? Why didn’t you tell me when I canceled the account instead of telling me things were fine, there were no charges? I’m so tired of corporate America.
So I have that expense to look forward to this coming Friday. Setting $100 on fire essentially. I almost would rather do that. At least then I could roast a marshmallow or something.
Work is itself. Clavan wanted all of the grading done by Wednesday 5am. So I stayed up all night grading to meet his deadline. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal, but we have a huge, ginormous class this month, so it took a while. And by a while I mean, I didn’t sleep to get my side of things taken care of.
When I got into work on Wednesday he said that I didn’t have to kill myself to do the grading and that as long as it was done by Friday morning it would be fine.
Thanks dude. I’m so glad you were able to get a wonderful, restful night’s sleep… I’m going to go destroy something in an exhausted, blind rage, and then grab a cup of coffee, which I didn’t have time for this morning due to grading all of my assignments like you voleen-told me to do, and enjoy watching the world burn to ashes around me. Brb.
There are so many awesome students who are genuinely interested in rigging and scripting this month, and I love the conversations I have with them. I’ve even shown them my own work. But I’m not feeling fulfilled anymore from those interactions. There are so many other things that I’m letting get in the way. So many other things weighing me down, work wise. I’m just never recharged here anymore. Not even from those interactions. I can feel myself going through the motions and not caring.
School has been alright. One of my assignments is currently late. But that’s my own doing, and I recognize that. I haven’t been emotionally processing, which sort of came to a head yesterday, which is why the assignment is late. I made the choice to not work on it. It was the exercise for the week, rather than the main project, so I’ll be alright as long as I buckle down and take care of it today.
I need to do some soul searching again. I’m back in a rut, of my own making I think.
I still haven’t seen the results of paying off the credit card, so that feels like a bad choice at the moment, since I only have $15 to my name and a week to go before payday. I’m going to need food, and gas. So that’s something that I have to figure out. I haven’t seen the savings of switching to LA Fitness.
The gym is open longer, they are in walking distance from the apartment, and they are $15 less a month than the YMCA.
None of that really helps me right now, especially as I’m struggling to feel like it’s still worth it to go to the gym. I know it is. And I know this is just emotions that I need to work through, but it’s hard to want to go right now.
I haven’t been to aikido all week because after the personal training session my arms were so sore that I literally wanted to cry when I was putting my bra on. Sad, but true. My arms had never been so sore before, and it lasted until Friday. It got better over the course of the week, but yeah, it wasn’t until Friday that I could move in a normal range of motion without cringing or whimpering.
So that was really my own doing. As much as I wanted to go, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the moves. Aikido is mostly using the arms to direct your opponent. If I can’t move my arms I can’t do much so what’s the point in showing up and feeling lame?
Zane bought one of the parts for his motorcycle the other night. We’re going to the store this afternoon to pick it up. I think the only things he will need to get now are spark plugs, but I don’t really keep up with all of that to be honest. Boys and their toys.
John, one of my new roommates, is celebrating his birthday tonight and is planning on having a bunch of people over to drink. There’s seriously no room in the fridge because there is so much soda and booze. I really don’t have it in me to be around people I don’t know. Or around loud music and conversation. Or around drunkenness. So I’ll most likely be camping out somewhere tonight. School or the hookah lounge. We’ll see how it goes.
Zane should have work, so at least he has something to keep him entertained and out of the house. I’ll most likely try to find motivation to do homework, or work on my character more. I’ve been trying to write some of her backstory out. It’s been fun learning what motivates her.
My brother John might be storing some of his stuff in my storage unit. If he does, he’ll help pay for it, which will make the cost better for me. I’m actually talking to him on Facefail right now as I write this, so we’ll figure out logistics as we go.
Scarlet is doing well at the new place. She’s super happy to be near me again, and I’m super happy to be near her.
That was the main reason I was depressed earlier in the week and last weekend. When Zane offered for her to be brought over sooner rather than later I nearly cried because I was so happy.
He was also super awesome and tried to do the laundry for me. Well… he succeeded… the only down side was he took all of the cloths that were in my gym bag, which were clean… instead of all of the cloths in the plastic bag on the floor, which were actually dirty.
He felt bad that he had messed up, but I was so happy just for the fact that he tried to do something nice for me. It really was the thought that mattered. I ended up going to the laundry mat and doing a load of cloths myself while taking to mom, so it was a good investment of time.
I don’t think anything else super major has happened.
I finished watching the most recent season of Archer, which sucks. I want to know what happens next. Zane took me out to lunch to celebrate the card payment on Thursday, and last night we went out for frozen yogurt.
I’m supposed to move my stuff into the apartment this weekend, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t have the money for a U-Haul truck, which would be about $30 dollars. $50 would most likely be a better estimate.
I need a truck for the bookcases and my desk. It would be nice to get the fridge and the coffee table in the same trip as well, though one of those can fit into my car. Not both at the same time, but one, if there isn’t enough room in the truck for both along with everything else.
I haven’t posted pictures of the futon yet. It would be nice to get some coin for that. The I’m going to try to sell the coffee table as well. My goal would be to get $150 total, which would offset the cost of the unit for this month.
If only I could get over myself and this sad feeling. Nothing is really bad. There are a lot of annoying things going on. But nothing is really holding me down. It just feels like there’s no forward progress. I’m still in transition with the move. I still haven’t saved any money technically. I’m still the same weight I was. I’m at the same spot with my job. I’m at the same spot with school. I haven’t started re-reading Warrior Princess Submissive. I haven’t finished my Pathfinder characters. I haven’t cleaned the bathroom yet.
There’s all these “haven’ts”.
I’m still where I was, and that’s frustrating. And instead of doing something about it I’m sitting here in front of my computer writing about it. Woe is me… But maybe that’s what I needed to do, because now I understand why I’m frustrated with myself and my situations. And oddly enough, knowing why makes it seem less bad. It makes the feelings sort of morph. I still have problems I need to deal with, but they don’t seem like the overwhelming, consuming issues they were. I understand them now.
Zane keeps asking me if I’m ok. He knows my energy is off, and while I don’t feel ‘ok’, nothing is really wrong, either. And none of the negativity is directed at him. Since I haven’t been writing I haven’t known how to explain it. But now I do.
I also feel like I’m back to holding my breath and waiting for next paycheck. It feels like that’s a new catch phrase for me. Next paycheck. Next week. It will be better later.
I want it to be better now. I want my choices to get me somewhere, and right now it feels like they’re not.
Logically I think I just need to give the situation time. I think once I have my computer desk and computer set up I’ll be more diligent with my work since I’ll have a workspace at home again. I’ll have a spot to write as well so I’ll get back into the swing of daily writing.
Scarlet is with me which is a huge boon to my emotional health. We’ve already talked about how to arrange the room, which gives me something to look forward to. There is a lot of good on the horizon. But when you’re in the long middle it is really easy to only see the overwhelming crush of trees towering over you. At least that’s how it feels right now.
No matter where I turn there’s a giant obstacle in the way that I can’t get around. After writing it all out though, I think a lot of it is inside my head. I think if I sat down and finished my homework and my Pathfinder characters I would feel better.
At least then I would be able to enjoy my Sunday. So I think that will be my game plan for the day.
I’m glad I wrote. I’m glad I have a better understanding of where the emotions are coming from. Patience has never been something I am good at. I don’t like waiting, but for a lot of the things going on in my life that’s what I have to do.
Meditation, mindfulness, and I think talking to Zane about it I think will help me get through the next week. At least then he would have a better understanding of the craziness inside my head.