I was standing at the edge. The road before me was black, smooth. An ink line trailing away from me into the distance. It lead somewhere, somewhere away, unknown. I couldn’t see where it went, I just new it lead to somewhere else, where ever that was.
I didn’t want to step onto it. I didn’t want the blackness to touch me. There was an aversion to it that I could feel in my skin. A crawling that made me want to get away, to leave, to be anywhere else, to go anywhere else but forward.
It is much like the feeling when I get shots at the hospital. I see the needle. I see it coming closer and even though I try to comfort myself, even though I know logically I will be ok, physically I cannot stop my body from shrinking away, from pressing back into the chair, my toes curling, my fingers gripping the arms of the chair until my knuckles are white, my nails digging into the material. I want to avoid the danger, the enemy. It shouldn’t touch me, it shouldn’t be near me. Get away. Away. Please don’t do this.
That is what I am feeling as I toe the beginning of this black path.
There is some force, something I cannot see, cannot fight, pushing against my back. A wall of air I cannot stand against. There is no heat, no coldness. There is nothing to suggest anything, but I feel this pressure against me, forcing me to move forward even as I lean back, trying to remain where I am. It isn’t soft, it isn’t hard. It is there, an existence that is neither positive nor negative. True neutral.
My feet move forward and I am on the path. The tension is building inside me. I don’t want this. I don’t want this. Please don’t.
Forward, slowly, ever forward.
The view changes. Before I had been watching myself from the side, as if I were another person, observing myself struggle against this force.
Now I am above, looking down as if a bird. I can see the path and where it leads.
It is a spiral. A long, continuous black stroke spinning tighter and tighter into the center of a circle. The center of an iris which stares back at me. The spiral leads to the pupil, to this well of darkness. The iris is red. A deep, dark red, almost maroon.
I do not feel evil, or hatred from it. I feel nothing. I feel it looking at me and, again, simply existing.
But I know that I do not want to go down this path. And I struggle. I fight, I push, I beg becoming more desperate the more I am forced to give up ground. The more I am forced to move forward down this path.
I woke up, halfway sitting up in bed, disturbing Shadow from his sleep where he was curled against my legs. “No!” spills from my lips as if I am fighting with someone. I have been nice, I have asked please, I have tried, and now I am becoming frantic, the desperation bleeding into my voice.
I’m breathing hard, fast. Like I have been at the gym lifting weights. My body feels sore, as if it has been straining. I do not feel endangered. I do not feel there is an enemy near me. I feel as if I have been fighting, though. I was resisting, but there is no continued pressure. The force is gone. It is as if the round is over, but there was no real victor. More of a truce, a pause.
Zane reaches out to me. His touch is warm. He’s real.
I remember him saying that. I don’t think I ever fully woke up. I remember stumbling through explaining the dream. I remember the spiral. I remember the iris and not wanting to go downwards.
I remember his warmth, and I remember breathing in his scent, his arms crossing over my chest and pressing his chest against my back, telling me to go back to sleep, that I as with him and I was safe.
Despite this dream I slept well last night. I woke up rested for the first time in a while. I got more than three hours of sleep in a single evening. The dream didn’t bother me, which I think is a little surprising. I don’t think it was a ‘bad’ dream or a nightmare.
I couldn’t place why I thought that. You would think having a dream about traveling down a black spiral into darkness would be a bad thing… But I couldn’t align that feeling with my dream. I didn’t think it was ‘bad’.
On a basic level I felt it had to do with school, but I felt there was more to it than that. I felt that the objects in my dream held more significance than what I was giving them, I just didn’t consciously know what that significance was.
Enter spiffy, nifty website; Dream Moods.
I looked up several things which were in, or occurred in my dream and this is what I found.
Path – Clarity / peace of mind
Ink – creativity
Spiral – spinning out of control / creative power
Black – unknown, subconscious, potential
Iris – wisdom / something I need to see
Burgundy – potential power
Being a witness – be more observant / watching life pass you by
Birds eye view – on top of a situation / new perspective
Traveling downward – wrong decision / wrong direction
Afraid – self-doubt / fear of incompetence
I feel like a lot of this lines up with what I originally thought, just with more solid wording.
I feel like my dream represents my worry over school. As my projects become more intense I have a fear that I am not good enough, not creative enough, to come up with good designs and ideas. I feel like I am not original enough to be successful.
I feel like I am going to fail and that makes me scared to try. Like I’ve set myself up for failure.
I think my dream isn’t really a warning about making bad decisions and that I am on a downward spiral to failure. I think it is a warning to show me the big picture.
I am struggling, and fighting out of fear. I’m scared, even though, like with the shot, on a logical level I know it is good for me in the long run.
Left-Brain: Don’t want to die of the plague? Cool, just sit still for 5 seconds… It won’t even hurt. I promise.
Right Brain: Fuck that shit. Get away from me. I would rather die! Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
Logic… There is none…
So I think witnessing myself struggle is to show me to be observant. I am struggling, but should I be? Is that really what is in my best interest?
The view changes so I can see the iris and where the path leads. I am shown that there is a bigger picture, there is an ending to the path, and if I travel down the ink spiral I would be following my subconscious, potential, and creative power.
My fear, my self-doubt I feel is what I am scared to confront. I have to look at myself and overcome those fears. The Universe is pushing me forward and I am resisting out of fear. Illogical, irrational fear.
The unknown is scary. The darkness can be intimidating. But black is the color of life, of fertile soil, of warm summer nights.
Am I trying to avoid something which I should be embracing?
I will meditate further on this.