Was supposed to be posted last night, but wasn’t.
I’m sitting at a blank screen and there’s all this stuff that I need to transfer from my brain to the page, but there’s so much stuff that I don’t feel like doing it. This picture pretty much sums it up…
Let’s begin with a list so I can make sure I hit all my marks. Yay road maps.
The day with Mom
Zane and school
Doctor’s appointment tomorrow
School work for this week
Sammie’s wedding and her message
Today – Monday – Mom Day
Ok. So we’re starting with recapping today.
Today for the most part has been awesome. I went to sleep around 4 in the morning, which sort of sucked because Zane and I had wanted to go to Full Sail so he could talk to a person in admissions, which is a whole story in itself that I may or may not get to. It depends on how much I feel like writing.
Anyway, I wasn’t going to wake up at 8 in the morning when I didn’t get to sleep until so late. So that plan got scratched. Instead I slept until around 10. Got up, had a message from my mom saying she was on the road. I had breakfast and coffee.
While Zane and I were at the store yesterday we decided to try a new type of jelly for pb&js. We went with apple, and it’s not bad. I don’t think it is a favorite for me, but I’m totally cool with having it on toast for a little while. There was also a mint jelly.
How did I not know this stuff existed?
Mint is one of my flavors.
So I didn’t need to get it, but I totally got it so I could try it. So one of my pieces of toast this morning was apple while the other was mint. I don’t think I used enough of the mint flavor, out of fear that I might not like it. But the flavor was super subtle so I didn’t really taste it all that much, so I still don’t really know if I like it or not.
I’ll be trying it again tomorrow. But I thought it was super cool that something like that is even a thing.
After breakfast I started getting caught up on messages. Really it was just the text messages on my phone that I had been purposely not looking at over the weekend. My friend in South Carolina had wanted to know if I was still planning on driving up over the weekend.
No. I wasn’t. I guess that was pretty apparent though since it’s Monday now.
I still have 13 emails to get through, and I haven’t done anything with work since Friday. And I’m not going to until I go back to work on Wednesday, so I hope there’s no fires in that inbox. Not caring at the moment if there are. That will most likely change tomorrow when I begin to feel irresponsible for taking time off of work on such short notice.
Anyway, I got a call from my mom asking where we were going to meet. I gave her directions to the storage unit, got showered, then headed out to meet her. I got there way before her, so I took the time to reorganize Trevor’s stuff, which freed up way more space in the unit. I’m pretty sure he would have failed at Tetris.
I helped mom unload the car. There was a lot less stuff than what I had been expecting. We got everything squared away in about an hour. I’ll be messaging my brother to talk about helping to pay for the cost of the unit now that his stuff is also in it. That should help negate some of the cost I’m having to cover for Zane’s rent. $50 at most, but something is still better than nothing.
Mom and I went to lunch after the unit was taken care of. We spent a lot of time talking while we ate. Of course we went to Moe’s since that’s our place. She actually tried the new nacho bowl and really enjoyed it, so that was cool. I was worried it would be too spicy for her liking.
Eventually we got tired of sitting so we went and got her checked into a hotel. We talked for a while longer, but eventually I said that I needed to come back home for a bit. I needed to submit my homework, which I have already done, and check out my new assignments for the week, which I have also done.
I want to go running as well, and shower, since I’m pretty gross from moving so much stuff around in the storage unit. I also had to put a cooler worth of food stuffs away in the fridge.
Since my mom will be closing on the house Friday she wanted to empty out her fridge, which meant I got a bunch of free food. No complaints.
That’s been the day so far. I have to go to the gym still, then shower. I’ll be spending the night with my mom at the hotel so we can have more time together. We’ll most likely get dinner somewhere. I bought lunch out of habit, so I think she will want to buy dinner.
It’s been great getting to spend time with her. It’s hard thinking that in a few months she’s going to be 3000 miles away. Literally. She won’t be the 6 hour car ride that I enjoy now. It’s going to be so much harder to see her, and while I know this time is coming, it’s still not fully real in my head. It’s going to be one of those things where I wake up and realize that she’s far away and that even though I want to see her I can’t. I won’t be able to make a weekend trip back home.
I’ll leave that alone for right now though since I have so many other things I’m already trying to deal will. Main point is I got to spend the day with my mom, and once I finish taking care of business I’ll get to go back and spend more time with her before she leaves tomorrow.
Zane and School
Friday while Zane and I were at Moe’s (I sometimes do actually go to other places to eat… just not often. No regrets), the subject of school somehow came up and I mentioned why he didn’t just go back.
He made a mention of how he wouldn’t be able to have a job and take classes, and I countered with how Full Sail allowed students to take out loans for living expenses because the curriculum was so intense.
He had never thought of that as a possibility. So that lead to a bunch of talking about the school and the degree programs and what was and wasn’t possible. When we came home he started researching into the school and the programs which lead to more questions, some of which I could answer, some I couldn’t. Long story long, we agreed that the best thing to do would be to talk to someone in admissions and most likely financial aid.
So that was supposed to happen this morning, but with the lack of sleep we both got, and with my mom coming into town we have decided that tomorrow afternoon would be better for both of us.
I have my doctor’s appointment at 2pm, so around 3 we will be going to see what options are available for Zane as far as school is concerned.
He made mention last night how his solution for his debt issues was to get into more debt. On a technical level I cannot argue against that. I feel that school is an investment though. He wouldn’t enjoy working at a fast food place, and he wouldn’t be moving forward on anything that he wants or views as important. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been pushing him all that hard on getting a job in that area.
If I wouldn’t do it then I have no right to ask someone else to. I would fight and struggle so hard to find anything outside of fast food because I don’t want to be in that type of work environment.
With school, theoretically, he would be able to take out the loans to cover his rent and food expenses, while still working on something that he wants to do, and something that would be viable after he graduated. Something he could take to California with him, which is where he wants to be since that’s where Nic is.
In my mind it is a good direction to go, even if it does mean that there is debt involved. I do not regret my choice to go to school. It was expensive beyond all reason, but I loved my experience. I love the people I met, and I love where it has taken me so far.
I’m hoping that it is a positive direction for Zane as well, and I’m hoping that it works out.
The thing that stresses me about it is that he will most likely need a co-signer.
I would most likely end up being that co-signer, which sort of sucks. I would become tied to him financially for a really long time. And while I do think school is a good thing, and I fully support it, if he defaults on his loans and I’m a co-signer, I am responsible and can be taken down because of his inability to pay.
We would talk more about it before any signing happened. But that is a very real possibility and I don’t know how I feel about it. I didn’t mind making the suggestion. I don’t want the responsibility of making this option work. I don’t want the pressure of my signature, and potentially screwing over the rest of my life, to be the one thing that keeps this from working.
It is also possible that he could not get the amount of money he would need to cover both the degree cost and two years worth of living expenses. In which case I don’t think I would want to sign at all.
I would becoming financially obligated to something for the next foreseeable forever, with no benefit in the short-term, which is one of the things this direction is supposed to help with.
In my head it’s either a) get a job to fix the bike so you can get a better job and not depend on me for rides, essentially a stepping stone to being able to pay me back, or b) go to school and factor in the money owed to people into the living expenses so you can pay everyone back what you have borrowed and move forward in life being self-sufficient.
He already owes me roughly $700. He told me to keep track of it, which is on the to-do list, making an excel sheet of the expenses I want to be reimbursed for. Blah, more to-dos >.< Do not want.
But yeah… If the school plan doesn’t cover living expense, then I’m not going to be on board with it at all because it’s not fixing the issue of him not being able to cover his share, and the only reason I’m covering it is because I’m expecting to be paid back, not because I’m a noble and caring person.
I mean… maybe… a little… It’s not like I would be ok with him being kicked out of the apartment or living on the street, but I’m not ok with having the agreement we had broken either. I’m not ok with how things are now, which really the only reason I’m a hawt stressed depressed mess at the moment.
So there’s all of this stuff that still up in the air about the school situation, and none of it can be figured out without talking to people at the school. So for now, that subject is tabled for me.
And by tabled I mean I’m going to let it stew in my brain and bother me all night.
Honestly though, until tomorrow there’s really no use in putting more energy into it other than to acknowledge that it may or may not work. If it does, amazing, if not, then it’s back to “find a job” and I’m not going to be as ok with him being as picky about not applying to certain places. I’m not ok with spending an extra $500 every month on something other than my own financial goals.
Tomorrows Doctor’s Appointment
On top of having to say goodbye to my mom tomorrow, which always sucks, and taking Zane to talk to an admissions representative tomorrow, which who knows how long that will take, I have to meet with my doctor to talk about my lab results, and have a pap… yay, said no one ever. : /
At least both of those things will be taken care of. The pap I won’t have to do for another year. Very minor silver lining…
I’m sort of worried about the blood work, which I really shouldn’t be because worrying about it isn’t going to change anything.
I’m fully expecting to be told that I’m still insulin resistant, and that my testosterone is too high. I don’t know what else to expect. Hopefully they don’t come back and say, “By the way you’re dying.”
I’m not looking forward to the appointment. But then I never look forward to a doctor’s visit. I don’t want to worry about this, but I know on at least a subconscious level I’m going to. I can feel a tightness in my chest over it, and there’s not much I can do about it. It’s anxiety and fear of the unknown, and really the only thing I can think to do is to acknowledge that it’s there and try to breathe through it.
Last week of TPL
This is the fourth week of Typography and Page Layout. I never did these assignments for the class. I didn’t do anything for the last week last month when I decided to intentionally fail the class.
I have looked at the basic description for the assignments. One of them will be creating the cover for an imaginary magazine. I’ll most likely do something Dungeons and Dragons related just because I think that will be fun. The nerd in me will be proud.
There’s reading and a quiz I need to take, and several assignments which are still locked. I don’t know what they are, but I think they are critique based discussions. We’ll see tomorrow I guess, which is when the assignments become available.
I’m worried about this week. Everything is due on Friday, but I’m not going to be working on anything further today since I’ll be with mom, and I’m not sure how up for anything I will be tomorrow, which leaves only three days to complete everything. Arg.
I’ll figure it out, but that’s an added stress. I don’t know the ‘how’ other than sheer force of will, which always pulls me through, but it would be nice to have a more solid road map, which I won’t have until I sit down Wednesday and figure it out.
At least Wednesday is Shading and Lighting, which means I’ll have the time I need to get everything together.
Theoretically I will complete the reading and quiz, along with at least the first exercise. I don’t know what the discussion posts are, so I can only assume that since all five of those activities have to be completed by Friday along with everything else that they aren’t too insane.
Here’s to hoping…
And here we are, at the last thing on my to-do list, at least as far as writing goes, and it’s the one thing that I don’t know what to say about. I have facts right now. And that’s it. I don’t have emotions. I feel empty and hollow, and sort of lost. I don’t know what to do, other than give up.
This past weekend was Sammie and Josh’s wedding. The wedding I was supposed to be the maid of honor for. The wedding where I was going to wear my purple dress and redye my hair for the first time since I shaved my head. The wedding where I was going to go out to Texas and see both of my friends for the first time in almost a year.
The wedding that I didn’t go to. The wedding that I messed up because I started being with Zane.
I understood her reasons for breaking up with me. I accepted them, and I didn’t blame Sammie. At the same time I didn’t feel like it was right to be her maid of honor anymore. I didn’t feel honorable and that I deserved that role.
So I didn’t go. I stepped down. I stayed home. I put the money I would have used for the trip towards my Care Credit card. I moved forward one day at a time, not really looking at this area because it hurt, and I didn’t know what to do with it, and because I didn’t think there was a way to fix it.
I had broken trust. I couldn’t go back into the past and change my actions.
This past weekend while Sammie was getting married I was fighting depression, and mostly losing. I ignored as many people as I could. I refused to look at my phone because I knew there would be messages there. I refused to check Gmail because it would tell me there were blogs that had new posts and I really should read them. I avoided Facebook because I didn’t want to read about other people’s lives and what they were having for breakfast, and who’s son did something cute.
I didn’t want people, anywhere, in my life. I didn’t want more stress, and obligations, and having to assure people that I was ok because I wasn’t and I wasn’t going to lie about it, but I didn’t want to talk about it either.
There’s nothing that can instantly fix my situation. It’s stressful. It’s literally my biggest fear being realized. And in my head, it’s unfair to me.
That’s right. I said it. Ok… typed it. But that’s a step forward for me.
This situation, while it isn’t intentional, is unfair. And that’s why I have a problem with it. And there’s really not much that I personally can do to change it, so really I’m just left stewing in my own mind, which seems all to eager to swing everything to the “everything is falling apart, your life is a disaster, you’re bad and you should feel bad,” spectrum.
Me: Thanks brain… couldn’t we have slowly eased into that? Like maybe have a, “Hmmm, this sort of sucks,” level? Could we add that in instead of it being sunshine and rainbows or holy-heart failure batman? I would appreciate it if you could work on that for me…
So yeah. Fighting massive depression.
I had every intention of messaging both Sammie and Josh the next time that I seriously sat at the computer catching up on life. That was what I decided to do this morning while I was sitting on the couch holding my cup of coffee.
I couldn’t stay in my closed off state for much longer. I needed to reach out and maintain contact, so I was going to. But I had to get through most of today first. My mom was going to be here and I didn’t feel like I had the time to put social tasks first.
While my mom and I were having lunch I received messages on Facebook from Sammie saying that my silence wasn’t cool, mature, or an act of someone who cares.
So I’m left looking at those messages, feeling like this is another battle where I have to defend myself and my actions, another stint of depression ready to kick everything out from under me because what I was doing wasn’t the right thing.
It’s another social situation, obligation, where I’ve messed up before I’ve even tried.
I look at this situation in my head, this corner, and all I can to is stare. I don’t know where to begin to clean it. I don’t even know if I want to. If everyone already thinks that it’s ruined, messed up, that I’m a failure, then why should I even try. Why not leave it as a disaster?
I want to hide from it to be honest. I want to keep my silence since I’m already viewed as immature. I can feel myself getting more emotional over the situation. Maybe my initial reaction of feeling nothing was my defense mechanism kicking it. Shut down. Block it out. It’s just information.
But I guess under the surface, deep down where I’ve shoved all of this, I’m angry.
I’m angry, and I don’t want to respond while I’m angry, so it’s going to be more radio silence which will be taken as being immature and disrespectful, which will drive us further apart.
It’s another situation that I don’t feel is fair. I feel like I wasn’t even given a chance. I feel like my life and my own battles aren’t being considered in the equation of “Did I do the right thing?”.
I did, and was doing, what I felt like I was able to do. And it feels like that it wasn’t good enough. I don’t know if that’s logical and rational thought. Most likely not, but that’s how I feel, right now, writing about the event only a handful of hours after it happened.
I feel like it’s unfair. I’m angry about it. And instead of messaging, I’m going to go run so I can try to figure it out, because that’s the only thing I know to do to help with the anger and hurt.