Daily Post 0152: New Direction

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Ok. So Friday sucked. Mostly because the first thing that happened when I got home Thursday evening is Zane and I talked about finances. He hasn’t been able to land a new job yet, and he still hasn’t been called in to work at the lounge. They haven’t outright fired him, which I think is pretty lame, but they’re not giving him hours either.

So… Even though I said I wouldn’t do it, I’m paying his share of rent. He said that Trevor was fine with me not paying my share as long as the storage unit was covered. Which would be fine except that not only do I have to cover roughly $400 (two hundred more than my own rent, so it’s already doubled), but I have to cover the unit completely on my own as well. Another $140.

My rent is over double what I had had agreed to when I moved in. I can’t pay down my credit card the way I want. I can’t look into getting a personal trainer. I can’t in good conscious start getting my tattoos…

Pardon me while I go hate life because things aren’t going the way I want them to, how I was told they would go. This wasn’t what I signed up for. I don’t think it’s fair. And yes. I’m going to spend the night and following day being angry about it because it feels like this always, ALWAYS, happens.

So that was Friday.

My break down at the bank was due to having to withdrawal $20 for the laundry card. Another expense that I am having to cover on my own. Another responsibility on top of all of the others. Another weight. More money that I, solely, am bleeding out and not being able to put towards the things that I want.

I know on a logical level that this situation is different from the ones I have been in before. Zane is actively looking for a new job. He helps with chores around the house. We have open communication. He understands and empathizes where I’m coming from and doesn’t fault me for my emotions.

There’s all these things that make it different.

On an emotional level I don’t feel a difference. It feels the same way it has in my past relationships. And that’s not a good feeling. I’m left wondering why it’s so hard for people to take care of themselves. Why is it that I seem to magically be able to hold a job that not only supports me, but them as well? Why can’t it be equal and fair? Why does that seem like so much to ask for?

Why does it seem to be a trade off? I can either have my paycheck be my own, and be completely miserable because I’m alone, or I can have a significant other where it feels like all of my goals and financial priorities get screwed.

We talked about all of that when I got home Friday. It wasn’t a fun conversation, but I felt better for it afterwards, and Zane was fantastic and made comfort food for dinner and let me play my game uninterrupted. It was pretty much me ignoring the world and slowly aligning myself with reality.

Left Brain: Ok, Jen. You’re in this situation, again. Accept it and move forward.

Right Brain: Ok… Let me slaughter this monster first. And then kill that group of bandits. And this pack of rabid dogs… And anything else that moves…

Who said video games aren’t therapeutic?

Saturday I had work. I was recovering from Friday’s emotional discord, which, I’m getting sort of tired of having discord. Because I was recovering I didn’t want to be around people, so I really didn’t want to be at school. I survived, though. It wasn’t a bad day, just a lame day.

Zane made his sriracha chicken for dinner and I made veggies to go with it. Yay kitchen bonding time. Other than that the day was uneventful.

Oh. I went running. Pretty decent, but nothing amazing. No record setting or anything. Just a normal run, which is always better than no run.

Sunday was another low day. I cross-stitched, did laundry, did dishes, in the evening Zane and I meal planned so I have my grocery list for today.

We went to Del Taco for lunch since I had said I wanted us to do something together. We came home and started watching a new anime. I can’t remember the name of it, but we’re only two episodes in and I’m really liking it. It’s supposed to be on the same level as Attack on Titan as for as the feelz go.

Last night sort of sucked. Zane wasn’t able to sleep, so he was up messing around on his laptop for a while, which kept me awake until about 3:30 at which point I went out to the living room and slept on the couch. I came back into the room around 7am and slept until 10ish.

I had wanted to wake up at 8am to go to the gym, but that wasn’t happening with how little sleep I got. Arg. I haven’t figured out how to restructure my day to get the gym in. I was going to go to a spin class, so I could go to the class at 5:30 instead. I haven’t decided yet, but I will shortly.

On a totally unrelated note, something that I have decided to do as of yesterday morning is join the Army. I spent most of yesterday researching.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about it on this blog before. I know I have in the past. I know this is the third time where I’ve kicked the idea around. Before it was more, “I’ll lose the weight and see if I still want to join.”

Now it’s a solid goal. I’m going to join.

I don’t think this has anything to do with Zane, though on a subconscious level it may be. Maybe this is my giving Florida and my job a giant middle finger because I’m tired of feeling trapped here.

I made a list in my head and this is what I came up with:

Help with student loans
Free travel
Lines up with health goals
Help with remaining degrees (psychology / sociology)
Gain additional trade skills
Join as an officer due to degrees
Pads resume

It really has nothing to do with pride for my country, which I know diminishes my actions in some people’s eyes. My reasons not virtuous and selfless. They’re not noble.

No. They’re not noble. They’re realistic. I want to get to certain places in my life, the military can help me get there. I understand how the military works since I was raised in a military family, and I know I do well in structured environments. It would be a mutually beneficial relationship, which would only last a handful of years. I’m not expecting to stay there for the rest of my life.

I wouldn’t be able to get my tattoos for a while longer, but I haven’t started them yet. It’s not like with how things are going right now that I would be able to get them in the while anyway, and maybe that’s just me being jaded.

Either way, I’ve gone 15 years without them. I think I could survive another 4 to 6.

I’m tired of not having something that I’m moving towards. I’m tired of waiting for things to change. I’m tired of sitting and doing nothing. Nothing except complaining.

This gives me a direction. This gives me phases to work on. I’ve already started solidifying the road I will be traveling down to get to my goal. All it is now is time and dedication.

I’ve meal planed for the week, though I haven’t gone shopping yet, which sort of sucks. It means I’m a little behind on where I want to be on a Monday morning, but I’ve had a good breakfast, the kitchen is cleaned and the dishes put away. I got to spend an hour or so talking to my younger brother. So far it has been a decent day.

There are still areas that I need to address, but this is that path I am going to be going down because it’s the path I want. It’s a stepping stone that I think will make me better. And it’s a direction that I go do on my own, instead of waiting for other people to fix my problems for me.

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