Daily Post 0153: Emotional Roller Coaster of Doom

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The title pretty much says it all. I was so done with yesterday by the time I went to sleep it wasn’t even funny.

I was still pretty bitter about how I felt Zane was inconsiderate with the laptop situation. When I got home I hadn’t shaken the emotions, so I knew we were going to talk about it because he was going to pick up on my agitation, and instead of leaving me be he was going to ask about it, which he did.

“Is everything alright?”

Me: Please refer back to this post to know how much I want to claw your face off right now.

No I’m not fine. No, I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but we’re going to talk about it now, right before I go to the gym which would most likely fix everything because nothing is actually wrong I just need to run some steam off, because you won’t leave it alone, which isn’t going to go well for either of us.

And it didn’t.

We talked. Both of us felt bad afterwards. I left the room fully intending to go to the gym but ended up sitting on the couch alone instead, because the thought of going to a spin class and being around people ranked right along side stabbing my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

Eventually Trevor came home, which got Zane out of the room, at which point he realized I hadn’t gone to the gym. He took me back to the room, we talked more, and actually sort of evened everything out. We were both feeling better at least.

I was feeling drained from all of the emotional ups and downs, so I wasn’t going to the gym at all that night, and I accepted that. Instead we went grocery shopping, which caused things to swing bad again, since we were over budget. A budget I might add, that is meant for one person, not two.

With my whole “Joining the Army” thing I have gone back to my previous eating habits, where I eat 5 small meals throughout the day, rather than 3 large ones. That means I needed snack options. I decided to get yogurts this week since normally there are deals for it. The one this week was 10 for $8. Since I only needed 5 I let Zane pick out five that he wanted. And we both got Luna bars which was something like 5 for $6.

Anyway, what we got really isn’t a big deal. I don’t think $150 for two people is really all that bad. There was also dish detergent, paper towels, nair, and multivitiams in this shopping trip. So not all of it was food oriented. I actually was pretty ok with the bill even though it sucks that it’s more that what I wanted. For two people it’s realistic and decent. We got a lot of fresh stuff, and the meals we will have line up with my health goals.

My brain as we leave the store: It’s not a perfect situation, but we’ll be ok.

What started the massive downward spiral that became the terrible experience of last night was as we were walking out of the store Zane said, “I know my Luna bars and yogurts wasn’t $50 worth of groceries, but next time I’ll go without them.”

Holy fuck, dude. Are you serious? I specifically told you to pick out stuff. Like, basically had to break your arm I was twisting it so hard so you would pick out yogurts because I’m not going to eat 10 of them on my own. If I hadn’t of wanted to you get those things, I wouldn’t have let you get them.

So I was instantly frustrated because of how self-deprecating his comment was. I’m having a hard enough time keeping my own emotional shit together. I don’t have it in me to hand hold you through your own trials and tribulations of self worth. At least not today. Sorry, not sorry that with everything that has been going on in the past few days that I can’t be patient right now.

So all of that went through my brain in .00001 seconds. I was silent rather than saying anything, though, which Zane didn’t like. I didn’t have anything pleasant to say. It was purely an emotional response and I needed a little bit to let the emotions pass before formulating a rational response. And I didn’t want to say anything while we were walking past people in the middle of a busy parking lot. Our issues are none of their business. We could talk about it in the car where we’re alone and able to talk freely. It wasn’t the time or place for a conversation which would basically amount to, “Man up.”

By the time we got to the car Zane said that he would leave me alone and not talk to me, and it just kept spinning further and further to disaster. And things had been going so well…

Arg.

So we got home, I was constantly in the way as we were putting groceries away, which frustrated Zane so he went to the room. Trevor and Danielle were in the living room, so I couldn’t hide there when the food was taken care of, so I went to the room where Zane was at his computer. I laid in bed for a while, but it sucked that I felt so alone when he was less than a foot away from me.

We were mutually ignoring each other. At least that’s what it felt like for me.

Eventually I got up. I was going to go make the salads for the week and prep most of the food for the meals. I need to ‘do’ something, anything, other than stay in the room drowning in my own head and negative thoughts.

Kitchen stuff would be mostly repetitive tasks that wouldn’t require a lot of focus. I could zone out for the most part, I could be alone. It seemed like a good option. Infinitely better than staying in bed being depressed.

I took my phone and put a song on repeat. It was The Winter, again. No lyrics to worry about. Just soothing sound.

After a few minutes Zane came out into the kitchen asking if I was going to start dinner, and pulling stuff out to do it.

I hadn’t planned on it. I wanted to be alone which is why I left the room. That’s why I had headphones in because I don’t feel like talking. But whatever. Dinner needs to get cooked sooner rather than later, so yeah, sure, we can do this.

He cut up the veggies as I continues snapping the green beans that we’ll be using later in the week. It’s the task I had been doing before he came out, so I was going to finish it so it was done.

Zane wanted to see the recipe for the soba dish we were making, so I had to bring up the recipe for him. He noticed it was more of a soba salad rather an a soup and asked if I wanted the veggies for the dish sautéed. I said I could sauté them.

I guess I was being apathetic and frustrating for him. He asked if we could go back to the room to talk again, where he mentioned that by not talking to him he felt bad. Unvalued. Because it seemed like I didn’t respect him enough to talk about the issue bothering me.

… I thought you were the one who wasn’t going to talk to me. You’re also the one who was sitting in front of the computer, not talking or touching me when I came back into the room. And when I got up to be alone so I could find some sort of balance, you followed me…

Everything went wrong when we left the grocery store. So wrong, that it makes me not want to ask you to go with me next time. That’s twice in a row that it’s been a pretty horrendous experience.

I said that I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t ready to talk. I said I was sorry he felt that way.

I went back to cooking dinner and prepping food while he stayed in the room. It was heard to breath. It was hard to see through the tears of anger, frustration, and sadness. Over the course of cooking and cleaning I settled down. By the time I brought the food into our room I was at least on even ground again.

We listened to a comedian. I don’t remember his name, but he’s a British guy who is super crude. Extremely funny.

We ate dinner, which I thought came out pretty well. I would make it again, I don’t think Zane cared for it though. So we’ll see. I eventually went to sleep while he stayed up. I woke up around 3:30 alone. He was in the living room playing Fallout 3.

I got some water and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. I wasn’t in the mood to play the insomnia game, so at 5:30 I took NyQuil, put The Winter on to play while I slept, and had more water. I was knocked out within 15 minutes, which my exhausted brain was ok with.

Zane came to bed at some point. The sun was up. He said to wake up him, no matter what, when I got up. He said he wanted to make me breakfast.

I woke up around noon due to the NyQuil. I woke up rested. Emotionally tired, but rested.

And for now that’s where I’ll end this. I’ll recap the rest of everything later tonight at the end of the day.

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