…was a crazy busy day.
- I had a super awesome fantastic run
- Zane and I went to school for the tour
- We talked to the Admissions rep
- They didn’t have his FASFA info yet
- Set appointment for Friday to talk to Financial Aid
- Dropped Zane off at home
- Went to work from 5pm to 1am
It was cool to go to the school for the tour and to see the school through ‘fresh’ eyes again. It gave me a boost of inspiration, and reminded me of why I work at the school.
By the time I got back to work from dropping Zane off I was already fried. I had been up since 9am. There were several questions during the first lab. By the time 9pm rolled around I didn’t have it in me to do the grading, work on my homework, or anything that took actual brain power.
I ended up putting together a jigsaw puzzle online at the recommendation of Frank through Facebook. It helped me decompress a bit.
When I got home Zane asked that awful question again. Are you ok?
I guess I had been staring off into space with a ‘not ok’ look on my face.
I said I was trying to figure out how I was going to make Friday work.
We had the appointment at 9 in the morning, I had grading I needed to do. Shading and Lighting started at 1pm and lasted until 5pm. I still had homework. Ari and I had arranged to get dinner together, which was giving me all sorts of anxiety on its own. And I still wanted to get to the gym at some point in all of that. Oh, don’t forget you have to adult tomorrow and pay bills, including the extra $200 for rent.
No stress. : D
We talked through a bit of it, but ultimately I just went to sleep because I knew one of the issues was being tired.
The morning was rough. While I was making my coffee I was looking at the dry erase board I have on the fridge. I use it as a shopping list. As something gets used or starts running low we write it on the board so we know what to pick up when we go shopping.
Yesterday I was staring at the empty board thinking about the things I really wanted… so I took my fuchsia marker and under ‘Shopping’ I wrote ‘motivation’ and ‘a-fuck-to-give’, before taking my cup of coffee back to the room. It made me smile and feel just a smidgen better.
I began grading in the morning and got through over half of the files. That was a good feeling. I looked at the gym schedule and saw that there was a kickboxing class around 6 that I could get to if I rearranged plans with Ari, so I did. We would meet around 7 instead so I had time to shower.
Zane and I talked about my dinner plans. I told him how I had seen Ari in the hall while I was walking into work on Thursday and how she had looked about ready to breakdown. We talked through Facebook messages later and she mentioned how she was fighting depression and how things were really hard right now.
I told Zane how I wanted to be there for her as a friend, but that because of the situations I’ve had with her in the past that there’s part of me who’s scared. I don’t want to be alone with her because I don’t feel like it will stay ‘just friends’.
I don’t want her to think that I’m pulling away and that she doesn’t have any friends left. That Sera is leaving her, and I am too. I don’t want to make her depression worse. But at the same time I want to know that my physical boundaries will be respected, and I don’t feel like they will be, and that makes me really hesitant to go anywhere or do anything.
I don’t want to be uncomfortable with the people I’m around.
So there was all of that. It bothered me that I couldn’t talk about the situation without feeling panicked and trapped. I couldn’t talk about the situation that happened last winter without breathing faster and feeling like I was back in the car and that I couldn’t stop things because if I did I would be the bad person.
I hadn’t realized there was still so much for me to work through and to come to terms with in regards to this situation. I’ve really just been avoiding it.
All of that went down before going to work, but I felt better for it. It felt good to talk about the feelings I had about the past situation, and my worry about the dinner later that night.
I went to work where I finished the grading. Next month’s work schedule still wasn’t official so I emailed Clavan to confirm a few changes. When I got his reply I was able to figure out what I’m working for next month, and from there I was able to figure out my workout times and admin hours.
Thursdays there is a boot camp conditioning class at the gym. I haven’t gone to it, but I’m curious about it. I’m intimidated by it because I’m worried that I’m going to do poorly in it. I’m worried there’s going to be a ton of super buff dudes knocking out push-ups like child’s play while I struggle to do 25, which I need to be doing something like 50 for the test.
I’m worried that people aren’t going to think I’m good enough. That I won’t think I’m good enough.
I put it on my calendar though. I’m going to go to it this coming Thursday. So I have that floating around in my head right now.
My schedule doesn’t seem to be that bad, and I was able to work it so that all of my gym stuff happens between 5pm and 7pm, so there will be a bit more structure and consistency for me which I think will be nice. Routine. Yay!
I also paid bills while I was in lab yesterday. The storage unit and car insurance. Everything else is auto drafted.
After work I went to the bank and got the money order for rent. I also got gas for the car. Only $16 to fill up. I was just under half a tank, and that was with all of the driving around for mom this past week, so I think I’m doing really well in the gas department of my budget.
I set aside $70 for play money. That includes all eating out and things like coals for the hookah. I’m not going over that money. And I told Zane that. Once it’s gone, that’s it. No more fun time.
Oh. I should mention that we got a phone call in the morning saying that his FASFA information still wasn’t in yet, but that it should be there Monday, so there wasn’t a need for us to go into the school, which is what started the day off ‘right’ for me. One less obligation to stress over. That’s why I was able to get through so much of the grading.
The admissions rep also said that they were waiving the $40 application fee for Zane. She was sending an email with all of the information he needed to fill out. Once that was taken care of and his FASFA came in we would be able to move forward 100% with figuring things out. So that was more good news.
One of my favorite tellers was at the bank when I went for the money order. We got to geek out over Jurassic World and anime. I ended up talking to him for about 10 minutes about his daughter and Studio Ghibli. It was a really pleasant experience.
I came home and put the money order in Trevor’s room, then sat down in my computer chair. Zane and I chatted. I mentioned needing to do laundry. When I got up to change for the gym I realized that all of my workout tops were still icky; wet.
Normally I wear my tops twice, since I don’t have many of them. It helps cut back on laundry, and normally I don’t mind because they dry out over night.
My tops ended up being covered by other stuff though, so they didn’t dry properly. Let me tell you how much I am NOT putting that back on…
So I didn’t get to go to kickboxing last night. I was pretty frustrated with myself, but I think it ended up being a good thing. I had more breathing time between work and the dinner. More time to prepare myself for it mentally.
I went to Ari’s place because she wanted to show me the decorating and arranging she had been doing since Sera moved out. I got to see how she arranged all of her Warhammer armies and the new Smaug model that she’ll be painting for her Lord of the Rings set. It was really cool and even though we were alone, it wasn’t overly awkward, so I was ok.
We walked to the sushi café where we were going to be doing dinner. Service was slow. I had given myself a 9pm curfew since I still had homework to get done, and it gave me a cut off time for being social. I could hang out for two hours, but anything past that would most likely drain me.
We didn’t get service until after 8, so I had to change my plans a little, but overall dinner was fantastic. The sushi was amazing, and conversation was good, too. We talked about the things that were bothering us, and games, and work. It reminded me that I actually really do like hanging out with Ari and that we have a lot in common. We can actually be friends. I relaxed a lot during the dinner.
When we had paid we walked back to her apartment. We stood by my car chatting for a bit more, which is where things became not ok.
It didn’t stay ‘just friends’ and while nothing hardcore inappropriate happened, my dreams and illusions where ripped away, and I’m left with the reality that the best thing for me in this situation is most likely to stop seeing Ari.
I don’t like how the night ended. I know I should have been more direct and forceful in making her not touch or kiss me. I should have said, “Stop,” rather than, “I need to go work on homework.”
I should have looked her in the eyes and said I was uncomfortable rather than looking down and hoping she would magically understand what I wanted. Even though non-verbally I felt like I was screaming, “I don’t like this,” verbally I wasn’t saying anything. And just because I am sensitive to non-verbal cues, doesn’t mean that everyone else is, or that they’re read and interpret the way they are meant to be.
Arg. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, because I know if I say anything she’s going to feel like I’m rejecting her, which will make her depression worse. She will take it personally. She will feel like it’s her fault and I know that it will end up being me who will have to comfort her, even though I’m the one who feels violated and wronged, which maybe isn’t fair of me because of how little I did to stop the situation.
I don’t know what else to write about it, so I’m going to stop.
I had a missed call from my mom when I left Ari’s so I called her back. Something happened at her work that she wanted to talk to me about. I ended up standing in the parking lot at my apartment for a while talking with her about it. She said talking about it helped and that she was glad I had been able to call her. That made me feel good.
Zane and I talked about the Ari situation when I came in. He let me cuddle with him. He asked if I wanted the closeness because I felt like I had done something wrong. I said not really, maybe a little, but it was more I wanted the closeness because I knew that he wouldn’t hurt me. He’s safe. Financially frustrating… but emotionally and physically safe.
We had planned on watching a movie together when I got home, but I didn’t have it in me. I was exhausted and asked if we could do movies / games tomorrow instead. He said that was fine and after tossing and turning for a while I was able to get to sleep.
Which brings me to today. Saturday. Yoga happens in 15 minutes, but I’m still not feeling people right now, so I don’t think I’ll go.
I have work from 5pm to 1am. Homework was due at midnight yesterday, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be happy with my assignment. I could have turned it in and gotten an alright mark, but I wouldn’t have been happy with it. I would rather turn in quality work for a lower grade and be happy with myself and my effort.
It was a choice I weighed, and I was ok with it.
I think with how much went on Thursday and Friday, and how much is supposed to go down on Monday, what with Financial Aid and everything, that I’m going to chill today and tomorrow. Very low key. Very anti-people.
Maybe I’ll go running later. I’m just not feeling the time crunch to rush to get somewhere on time. I’m tired of rushing and feeling like everything has to get done right now, right away, or else something terrible will happen.
When Zane asked me what I wanted to do last night while we were cuddling I said, “Sleep. With no alarms set.” He chuckled at me, and said ok. And I did sleep. Until 9:30 when I woke up on my own.
I’ve enjoyed my coffee and breakfast, unrushed. I’ve typed everything that I wanted to. I’m not looking at my day with the mindset of “that needs to get done.” If things get done, cool. If not, there’s always tomorrow. And I think that’s I’ll handle tomorrow, too.
I got this. I don’t know how. But some how, some way, everything will get taken care of.