I’ve been losing my fight with Depression.
Zane is being denied school due to previous defaulted loans. Good side on that situation is I do not have to worry about cosigning on anything. Bad side is that I am still the only financial support in the Zane / Jen unit.
There has been so much talking and crying and anger and sadness and ups and downs on both sides of this dynamic over the past week and each day I get to the end and I feel I have nothing left.
There is nothing in me except this overwhelming need to sleep. My eyes hurt, my ears refuse to understand sound, and my mind shuts off to everything, because anything, no matter how small, is just too much to handle.
There’s only this need to stop thinking and worrying and stressing, processing, understanding. To just get away from it all, and the only way I can is by crawling under the covers, hiding, letting the tears silently fall as I try to convince myself that I’m not a failure, that things aren’t really as bad as I think they are. That there’s a purpose to all of this strife, and once I come through this I’ll look bad and kick myself for having such a hard time with it.
That’s all in the future though. Right now, in my present, all I can see is the darkness around me. The un-climbable walls that surround me and keep me here, that make me feel trapped and hopeless because every step I try to take I am met with resistance. I am so tired that it feels easier to collapse and give up and accept that this is my lot in life and that I’ll never get to where I want to be, where I want to go. I’ll never finish the adventures I’m on, I’ll never start the ones I want.
But I know that’s not true. And to prove to myself that things aren’t crumbling, that things aren’t has awful as my Evil Voice wants me to believe I’m going to write about all the things I can think of that I’m grateful for.
I’m grateful for the computer I’m typing this on. I’m grateful for the job that I have which provided me with said laptop. I’m grateful for the car that I have that gets me to and from my job, and the grocery store, and all the other places I want to go. I’m grateful for the paycheck I have that lets me put gas in said car, and buy things from said grocery store.
I’m grateful for the money that gets taken out from my paycheck for things like my medical insurance and eye care. I’m grateful for the Internet that lets me go online to see how much I actually make each month. I grateful for the Internet because it lets me play music on Spotify.
I’m grateful for my phone which I can use while at the gym to keep me motivated to run that extra interval, because it helps me to push myself to be better than I am.
I’m grateful for the people I’m able to call with my phone, like my mom, or my boss. I’m grateful for the apps that I have on it which keep me connected to things like Facebook and my Gmail, because where would I be without all of those notification from Domino’s about the deals they have going on?
I’m grateful for the annoying notifications that I receive from Facebook because it means that I have friends, actual friends, and when they tag me in things it’s because they are thinking of me.
I’m grateful for the apartment that I’m in. I’m grateful that it has air conditioning that works in the middle of summer in the middle of Florida. I’m grateful that it has a fridge that works so I have a place to put the food that I buy and cook. I’m grateful that it has a stove and a microwave. I’m grateful that it has cabinets for me to put my glassware. I’m grateful that it’s a cat friendly environment.
I’m grateful that I have Scarlet with me, and that she has been with me for 15 years. I am grateful for the affection she shows me, and that she puts up with me picking her up and cuddling her.
I’m grateful for Witcher 3, which Frank gave me for free. I’m grateful for the tablet that I bought from Sabrina for super cheap to help with my classes. I’m grateful for the notebooks I’m able to use to write my to-do lists down in. I’m grateful for my red cup that I hold in my hands during the morning, drinking my coffee as I piece together my days.
I’m grateful for the purple backpack that I bought to carry around all of my tech stuff to and from school. I’m grateful for the headset that I have which lets me record my podcasts. I’m grateful for the mouse that lets me rig characters in Maya easier.
I’m grateful for my intelligence. I’m grateful for my sensitivity and intuitiveness. I’m grateful for my compassion towards others.
I’m grateful for the bed I sleep in. I’m grateful for the sheets that I kick off of myself during the night when I get too warm. I’m grateful for the computer chair I’m able to sit in. I’m grateful for my bookcase and all of the books I have been able to afford over the years. I’m grateful for the art supplies that I have, and all of the projects I have been able to complete.
I am grateful for all of the talents I have been able to develop and grow over the years. I’m grateful for my creativity and my ability to see the world and situations differently.
I am grateful for my uniqueness.
I am grateful for the love and support that I have. I am grateful for the people who allow me to be in their lives because I know I am a finicky person.
I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had in the past, good and bad, because they made me who I am today. I am grateful for this situation because it is testing me.
I am grateful that Life gives me challenges to remind me to enjoy the good times when that are there, and to remind me to be grateful for the things I do have.
I am grateful for my body which is healthy and whole. I am grateful that I am able to run, bike, walk, skip, and splash in puddles on rainy days. I am grateful for my flexibility. I am grateful that I can breath unassisted. I am grateful for my clothing, my glasses, my bandanas, my headphones.
I am grateful for the Magic cards I have and the friends who play games with me. I am grateful for the time that I have each day. I am grateful that I have the ability to waste time scrolling mindlessly through the Internet.
I’m grateful that I have the luxury of feeling depressed. I’m grateful that I have good times to compare this bad time too. I’m grateful that I have people who understand that I need to feel bad, and that this moment in time is temporary. I’m grateful that I can still get hugs from people. I’m grateful that they let me cry and don’t think less of me for it.
I’m grateful that Zane thinks this situation is unfair. I’m grateful that he understands that it is hard for me. I’m grateful that he is trying. I am grateful that he thinks this is wrong and wants to fix it.
I am grateful that I was able to wake up this morning. I am grateful that I am able to cover all of my expenses. I am grateful that I am still able to make goals and priorities. I am grateful that I can change my direction in life and to forge my own path. I am grateful for the opportunities that I both take and walk away from because it means I have options.
I am grateful that I am strong.
I am grateful that I can start things over. I am grateful that I have the ability to fix and reevaluate things. I am grateful that I can problem solve. I am grateful that I can brainstorm. I am grateful that I have people I can look up to for inspiration.
It is fully within myself to fix my problems, because they’re not really problems. These walls aren’t really obstacles; they’re not really un-scalable. I am an unstoppable force. The only thing that keeps me from moving forward is myself. All I need to do is to find the next step I want to take. The next direction I want to go.
Staying in bed, sleeping 14 hours a day, not doing work, not writing, not eating, not going to the gym, isn’t’ going to move me anywhere. It is going to keep me in a situation, in a mindset, that I do not want.
I don’t enjoy depression, so why is it that I seem to want to wallow in it? Eat terrible food that totally goes against all of your health goals, skip out on the gym because you don’t ‘want to be around people’, and instead mope around and feel sorry for yourself…
That isn’t ok. That is not a helpful mindset. Those are not helpful actions.
I may be in a stressful situation, but there are so many ways that it could be worse, and there are so many things in my life that show that I am accomplished and figuring things our for myself.
There is no reason for this situation to win. It pales in comparison to the other trials and tribulations I have faced in the past. The thing that makes this so much harder is Fear. This irrational, debilitating fear, which leaves me paralyzed and drained.
I’m tired of being scared. I’m tried of getting to the end of the day and feeling like I had a shitty fight. I’m tired of feeling like I’m getting my ass kicked by an opponent that doesn’t exist. In a way it feels like I’m Korra, fighting an imaginary enemy that only I can see. It feels like I’m fighting myself.
The poison is very real, but it is within myself to purge it. I need to figure out my priorities, my actions, and then dedicate myself to them enough to actually follow through.
It might not be easy. It might not be fun. But if I want it bad enough then I’ll actually do it.
I don’t know what my next steps are. I still have to figure it out. But it’s not going to be going back to sleep. It’s not going to be staying in my night cloths. It’s not going to be going out to a drive thru because I don’t have it in me to cook.
I put the cloths away today. I went to the store and bought rice. I wrote for the first time in almost a week. I’ve showered and run the dish washer.
I haven’t been graceful, elegant, or fun to be around, in any form of the word, for the past week. I’m working on changing that, one action at a time.
My next action… Go boil rice so I can have dinner before going to work.
I am grateful for my ability to see other perspectives.
I am an Earth Dragon, and I will not lose, especially not to myself.