For the first time in about two weeks I feel like writing. I feel better, and this random, rambling post is going to be my closure for the day. I don’t want to go through anything in a chronological order. I don’t want to write a recap.
I don’t care about half of the stuff that happened in the past almost two weeks. I’m just going to write as things pop into my head, and when the thoughts are done I’ll stop.
I’m tired because it’s 11pm. I’ve been creative for a fair amount of the evening. Uke came over, so he, Zane and I finished talking about the backstory for our characters. We got our enhancements figured out, along with our armor and weapons. We’re all ready for the game the Sunday after next.
I actually feel like writing the backstory out for my character in short stories. If I actually get around to doing that I might post them.
I started playing Skyrim on the Xbox Saturday night. Using a controller is so weird. >.<
It’s a pretty awesome game so far though. I like it. I steal a lot of stuff in the game. I mean… I borrow a lot of stuff… without the intention of returning it… ever…
My character is a khajiit, which is basically a giant cat person thing. I’m a kitty! At the moment I’m focusing on magic, destruction of course, which means I run around setting stuff on fire, or blowing it up with electricity. Not all that big on frost spells.
I also like lock-picking, and will most likely do a bunch of pickpocketing later. I run around picking flowers still. I like that you can pick lavender because I’m picking the color purple.
That was most of last night and this morning. Fun times. Right now I’m about halfway through level five.
We had pizza rolls for dinner tonight, which was nice. It was like being a 12 year old again. I also had a bowl of ice cream. It’s a cherry flavor, but there are little chocolate pieces in it shaped like hearts. I don’t know why, but it’s like having Valentine’s Day in a bowl, and it makes some weird part of my brain happy.
Zane and I went out for lunch today. I woke up this morning next to him and after talking about a dream that I don’t remember much about I asked what we were going to do for lunch because we totally woke up way before noon… >.<;
We agreed that we were going to do the pizza rolls once we got out of bed. So five minutes later I said that I wanted to go out because Sunday has always been ‘our day’ and I like that we go out and get lunch together.
Fuck finances and responsibility. I want my date day damnit!
I said that I wouldn’t let myself feel bad about spending the money, and that it was really, genuinely, something that I wanted to do.
I had the money for it. In fact I have roughly $300 ‘extra’ at the moment. That’s a far cry from what I should have, but I budget enough for my expenses, and then anything else that is left over doesn’t exist. I’m not supposed to touch it because it goes to debt.
Well today $20 of the money that doesn’t exist went to getting a plate of nachos from my sports bar since I never got a chance to go to it on Friday.
I had to go to graduation on Friday instead since it was Luis’ ceremony. It’s hard to believe that he’s graduated already. It doesn’t seem like that much time has passed, but it has. He is interning with Clavan I believe, so he’ll be around for another three months or so.
I found out that Nicole got a job in Tennessee and will be leaving at the end of the month. I’m going to have to hang out with her before then at least one more time. A farewell dinner. That’s going to be hard. It’s always hard when someone leaves.
Saturday I had dinner at the sushi café with Luis, Nicole, Marc, and Desiree. One of Luis’ friends from Puerto Rico was also there. It was a fantastic dinner that lasted roughly three hours. Great conversation.
I found out Friday that I didn’t have work that night, which was fantastic. After graduation I was having a really hard time. It’s always rough being around that many people, and feeling all of those emotions.
While I was leaving the building a young man stopped me and asked if I would mind taking a picture for him. He seemed about to cry. He said that he was an online student who had flown to the campus to walk across the stage for his graduation, and that he was by himself. He didn’t have anyone to take the picture for him or with him.
I said of course I would take the picture. I told him congratulations and as we were walking away from the building I asked what degree he had graduated from. He answered, “Computer Animation.” I explained that I taught character rigging for the on campus classes, and that if he ever needed anything to find me on Facebook.
He said he would and we parted ways.
I cried when I got back to my car.
When I got home I was still really depressed. Uke came over around 7pm to hang out for a little bit with Trevor and Zane, so I went back to the bedroom to be alone until I had to leave for work. When I checked my schedule at 8pm and saw that I didn’t have to go in at 9 like I thought I was so relieved. I had been so close to tears, again with the crying, at the thought of having to get out of bed. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the night, surrounded by people, having to act happy and cheerful, having to answer questions, and figure things out. It felt like I would completely break down.
But I didn’t have to do it. I didn’t have to leave or do anything, so it was ok. I would be ok.
I could stay in the room, alone, which I did. I stayed in bed for a while longer listening to music and cuddling with Scarlet. Eventually I got up and played some of Witcher 3. Totally not the ‘responsible’ choice, but it was awesome to not worry about being responsible. It was great to not care about the mess in the kitchen and to play through a few quests, learning more about the story in the game.
Like I said, I really haven’t done much. I’ve done a few loads of dishes over the days, fed the cats, and that’s really the only highlights as far as the productive side of things goes. Zane has cooked pretty much all of our meals. He’s been cleaning the cat’s pan and taking out the trash. He’s let me be a hot depressed mess and has still given me hugs through it all.
I told him the other day that he’s not allowed to have dry shirts anymore apparently because I cry all over them on a near daily basis it seems.
I’ve really just been taken care of myself mostly. When things start to feel overwhelming I table it for later. When I feel tired I sleep. When I need to be alone I wrap up in my sheet and listen to music. I do what I can with the energy I have, and when it’s gone I stop rather than trying to keep pushing to do more.
I haven’t gone to the gym. I haven’t reached out or done anything overly social, aside from the obligations that I had to follow thru on. As lame as this sounds, I do the bare minimum at work, and then I come home where I play medic for myself.
Right now I feel on solid ground again. I feel stable. I feel like I can draw full breaths of air, slowly, calmly.
This might be a little dark, but I feel it’s important to write it out. I want to write it now, while I can, so if I find myself in darkness again I can come back and read it.
There were several times over the past two weeks where I thought of self-harm. Not suicide or anything drastic, but something would happen and I would lose the ground I was gaining on my depression.
Something would be said and the words would be cutting. Emotionally they would hurt, and I would look down at my arms because it felt like there should be wounds there. I hurt so much on the inside that I was sort of confused how my skin was still whole, how the pain wasn’t leaving some physical sign on my body.
I could trace over my skin where I knew the wound should be, where I could feel it on my body, but it wasn’t there. Just unmarked skin, when on the inside my spirit self felt like she was bleeding out.
Saturday morning was actually pretty awful. Zane and I had a disagreement where at the end he pushed my hand away when I was reaching out for him. That led to a conversation where it was concluded that I would write everything out in an email, and confessing to the self-harm was one of those things.
I told Zane because I hated that those thoughts were there. I hated how they were in my head in the first place, and how the guilt of even having them was eating away at me on the inside like acid. I told him how it felt like I was slipping backwards, and how I didn’t like that I hurt so much that it felt like there was this need for the pain to become a physical thing.
It sucked because I knew that even though I ‘wanted’ to hurt myself, that I didn’t. I knew it wouldn’t make me feel better. It would make me feel worse, but there were times where it was an all-consuming thought.
I have felt better since writing that email. Since coming home and getting a hug and realizing that with all of the things that I confessed to that he’s still here, that he still wants me here. I’m not a terrible person.
Admitting to those thoughts makes it seem like they have less power over me. They’re just thoughts. They aren’t me.
For the past two days I have felt clear headed. I feel awake. It’s like the past two weeks I’ve been in a fog where everything was fuzzy. Where my thoughts were fighting with ones that were not my own. I feel more like myself. Tired and wanting a few more days to recover, but better.
I don’t know really what else to write so I guess I’ll stop here.
Thank you everyone for being supportive and for the positive messages. You’re all awesome and even though I might not have taken the time to response to your comments yet, know that I have gotten them and that I will reply to you soon.
Your words have helped me through these past days and I will never be able to express how much they mean to me. They really were lights in the darkness for me and I cannot say thank you enough.