Daily Post 0168: Be the Change

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It feels like this is the first time in a really long time that I’ve been alone. And even as I type that I can hear a bit of the conversation from the people sitting diagonal from me. I can see a couple filling their cups from the drink fountain, and a young man just walked by to sit a few tables behind me. If I focus on the reflection on my computer screen I can see him. I know that makes me sound like a creeper.

I’m not really alone, but sitting in front of my laptop, my lunch partially eaten, mostly forgotten, sitting across from me, my partner and company for this excursion, I feel blissfully alone.

I feel a bit freer, lighter, than I have in a while and that makes me wonder, ponder. Zane and I never really have a break from each other. And in a way that is a lie. I go to work, but while I’m at work I’m around people. I come home and he’s there. Trevor’s there. John’s there. Friends are over, conversation is happening, chores need to get done. Cats need to be fed.

I never have a break.

My ‘alone’ time is when I wake up early. It’s when I hide away in a game.

But right now I’m truly on my own. I’m sitting at Moe’s because I needed to get out. I needed to get away, and I’m glad I did. I miss this. I miss being able to sit and stare out of windows watching the traffic go by. I miss letting my mind wander in silence and not having to explain my thoughts.

I think this is another thing that I have let slide, like my art. This is another area that I need to nurture and find balance with.

I am reminded of how few outlets I am utilizing at the moment. I no longer have aikido and taekwondo. As brief as they were I know that they are a part of me, and it is a part that I cannot express at the moment. Though this month I had the time to go to the dojo, I did not have the funds. And a part of me feels guilty for typing that as I’m sitting at a table where I just spent $11 for food.

I didn’t make the dojo a priority financially, and so I do not have access to it.

I have not been going to the gym as I feel I should, especially with the military being my focus at the moment. I have been doing nothing to show that is a priority for me. I have been slacking on expressing my faith because of that.

Until a few days ago I had done very little cleaning so the apartment felt gross and icky.

I woke up this morning frustrated I think. Not consciously, but on the inside I felt prickly. I got up and began cleaning the kitchen then started breakfast. Zane woke up before I had a chance to make my to-do list, and I guess that’s where it all truly started for me.

I had an idea of how I wanted my day to go. It was this nebulous idea of productivity. But before I could iron it out, solidify it, there were YouTube videos, there was talk about dreams about the future, there was talk of friends coming over early in the day for character creation and how I should be there for it.

Before I could even figure out my day or have my coffee all of the things I wanted to do were erased and overwritten.

I don’t care about the future, and dreams of opening a small business because I care about right now. I care about the application that has taken over a week to complete. I care about how there is always a reason for things to be pushed back. I care about how ‘fun’ happens before ‘work’.

That doesn’t line up with what I want, or how I function. I don’t feel that is right and I think that is part of my imbalance.

It led to a bit of a scuffle this morning. The spiral started again, but instead of following it I showered. I finished most of the chores I wanted to do. I told Zane that I felt we were feeding off of each other in a negative way and that I was going to go into work.

I actually left the apartment on a good note. I think we’re ok from where we were. And I think that was the right choice to make. I don’t think I would have worked well at home if at all, because I haven’t been able to work well there in the past. I don’t do well with other people doing nothing. I don’t do well with people coming up and petting my hair or wanting a kiss.

I’m working. Go away.

It’s frustrating. I’m frustrated. And I know it’s coming out in this writing. I didn’t have a room to go to this morning to be alone like I wanted to be. I went to the bathroom and sat with my back against the door and that was nice for a while until Zane came to make sure I was ok.

I’m fucking fine. Go away so I can get over the frustration. The more you poke at me the more I’m going to feel trapped and confined. The more I’m going to lash out, the more you’ll be upset, the more I’ll be upset. Just leave me be. I see you all the time. Give me just a handful of minutes to myself so I can think, so I can breath, so I can remember who I am without you there defining me.

Things aren’t bad. But this morning it felt like I had tethers chaffing against my skin, and instead of sitting quietly and dealing with it I said something and went out and am continuing to have my day. I’m going to have an amazing day. I’m AM going to go to kickboxing today. I’m going to keep headphones in all day and do my own thing, and get through all of my list and not deal with other people’s problems. I’m going to make my things, my tasks, my priority, and I’m going to take care of them first.

I’m tired of letting depression make me stagnant.

So today when it started again I changed it.

You’re not in charge anymore Depression. I’m a badass and I will own you. I will break you. And I will not be sorry.

As far as yesterday, it was a pretty amazing day, which is why it was such a clash for this morning to be rough.

After posting my blog yesterday I showered and headed into work. After doing my normal routine of checking and replying to messages I worked on my homework assignment by completing all of the tutorial videos. It’s not a hard assignment so I’m hoping to get most of it done today.

I also sketched for a little bit. I warmed up then sketched some oranges. My shading is still too dark, and I’m not a huge fan of how the texture for the rind came out, but it was alright. I think it could have been worse.

When I came home Zane said that the laundry card hadn’t had enough money on it to dry the cloths. That’s most likely because Trevor used the broken washer and the broken dryer the other day and ate through all of the money. That was frustrating because I didn’t want to go out, like, at all. And because for the past two times I’ve been the one to put money on the card. I was pretty much done with the day. I didn’t even want to go to the gym. And not surprisingly, I didn’t go.

Instead Zane and I went out to the laundromat to dry the cloths. While we were out we got dinner as a ‘reward’ for adulting. Another instance where I’m reminded that I am not spending the little extra money I do budget for myself wisely. What about the workout tops I want? Or how several of my pants are worn and are close to having holes in them? What about the new bandana you want since the one you’ve had for over a year does have holes in it. Or new running shoes because the tread is completely gone from the ones you have?

What about all of that? Shouldn’t you save for that instead of buying food for two people when you’ve already gone grocery shopping?

Fuck you, Voice of Reason. I’m going to do this because in the moment it makes me feel better and I’ll deal with the negative emotions of feeling irresponsible later. Like right now I guess…. Thanks… you’re a jerk… /sulk

Zane and I actually had a really awesome conversation about politics, which I normally do not engage in. After eating we went to the grocery store because we needed spinach for the BLTs we plan to have. Originally we only got one bag thinking it would be enough spinach for the sandwiches and the calzone. But the single bag almost wasn’t enough for the calzone itself, and left no extra for the sandwiches.

So while we were at the store we got spinach, eggs, pepper jack cheese, and two packs of chicken since it was still buy one get one free.

After the store we picked up the laundry then went back home.

On the way home Zane and I talked about the relationship, and we both felt like we made a lot of progress in that area. We sat in the parking lot with the car running, darkness around us as we brought up some really sensitive subjects for me. We continued the conversation once we got inside the room, so there was a lot of open discussion that I may write about later. All of the talking meant that I was pretty done with the day and ready to decompress, though. Witcher 3? Yes, please.

When Zane went to bed I followed shortly after. I was in the middle of a dungeon and wanted to get to a good stopping point. So overall, yesterday was great. Minor hiccups. Another being that Zane never filled out the application he wanted to, and that was another thing I got bombarded with right when I walked through the door. Could I at least put my backpack down?

The application issue feels like sand paper against my skin.

If I’m selling my collector’s edition stuff can you not take 15 minutes out of your day and fill that out? Before you start doing things that are for fun? When I asked about it this morning he said he was waiting for people to get back to him so he could make sure he had the correct information for the application. After a week of waiting though I don’t really care why it’s not filled out still. And I don’t think that’s all that unfair of me.

I feel like I have a lot of patience, but even I have a limit and when I reach it there’s only fire and frustration. And maybe that’s another part of everything. In a week I don’t think he has filled out any other applications. At least nothing has been said.

It doesn’t feel like finding a job is a priority. It doesn’t feel like improving is a priority because he hasn’t drawn, he hasn’t tried to sculpt anything. It’s just us, wasting time, doing nothing. And I can’t keep doing that.

I, personally, need to change.

Which is what today is. This is me getting up, getting out of the apartment, and doing things for myself, to improve myself, because I don’t like where I’m at. I don’t like what I’m doing.

I want to have a day where I go through two to-do lists again. Where I feel crazy productive and like I’m doing the right thing with my life, because right now it feels like I’m wasting it.

Yeah, I’ve been depressed, but I’m kind of sick of feeling depressed. I’m sick of my brain poking at me being like, “You know you really should be doing this other thing instead of feeling sorry for yourself…”

Screw you, Brain! You’re not my supervisor! Keep your good ideas and your annoying logic to yourself. Rawr.

That being said, I have already written out my list in my notebook. I’m pretty much done bitching writing, and ready to move on to my next task. Drawing. Which I’ll most likely want a change of environment for.

And there’s a kid who’s just started crying… Yep. That’s the Universe telling me to pack up and head out.

Move Forth – Secession Studios

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