So… I’m going to stop saying that I’m going to the gym and only write about it when it actually happens… because yeah… yesterday ended up being sort of shitty and I didn’t go like I said I was going to, and that makes me feel like a slacker which sucks.
After posting my blog I went to school where I drew for a little bit. I tried my hand at kiwis, which those suckers are hard, and I didn’t really like how my were turning out. So I moved on to pears, and those were actually pretty cool.
I went by the art room and got a new graphite stick so my hands were all smeared with wonderful artsy goodness by the time I was done. It made me feel quirky and creative.
I ended up messaging Zane shortly after my sketching because I was feeling more even, which caused the day to go negative again. And it stayed that way all night.
I did get all of the markers placed for my sound effects for this weeks project, but overall I didn’t feel well emotionally anymore and that was bleeding all over everything.
I came home and played Witcher for a little bit while Bobby was over. Trevor, Danielle, Bobby, and Zane went out for Chinese food, but I didn’t feel like spending money so I stayed home instead. Being alone in the apartment was nice, but to be honest I was so low last night that I didn’t really notice.
When everyone came back I was surprised with an order of General Tso’s chicken from Zane. He said that Bobby had offered to buy him food three different times, and while Zane wasn’t hungry he asked if it would be ok to bring me back something.
I cried while sitting in my computer chair hugging Zane around his waist. I felt loved and cared for, and thought of. Here I was being an annoying, whiney, emo pain in the ass, and he went out of his way to bring me my favorite dish. Undeserving was pretty up there on the list of what I was feeling.
He left me in the room with the food to go back to hanging out with Bobby, but I was ok with that. I ate part of the dinner, saving half of it for Zane, and eventually showered to go to work.
Work wasn’t bad. The turn in for their project is soon, so there were a fair amount of questions. I was already drained so by the end of the night all I wanted was to be alone. Hard core alone.
But I knew Bobby was still at the apartment, and that he and Zane were waiting for me to come back so we could play Coup again. I cried in my car on the way home because the thought of saying, “Hi,” seemed like too much. The thought of having to play a five minute card game was literally the worst thing I could think of; an unspeakable torture that I would have to suffer through, endure, all the while smiling even though I was crumbling inside.
Yeah… like I said… annoying and emo.
I really had no reason for feeling as overwhelmed as I did, but that’s how I felt last night, and in an attempt to cope with it I let myself cry alone in my car. It helped a little bit, but when I walked up the stairs to the apartment door the last thing I wanted to do was open it.
All the lights were one. Everyone was still awake. It was so hard to turn the door knob.
Zane met me in the kitchen as I came inside. He gave me a hug and asked if I was feeling better, wrapping his arms around me. I bit my lip and shook my head no. He kept asking different questions, trying to figure out what was going on with me.
“Questions!” Was all I said as I buried further into his shoulder. I just needed a hug, and silence. I noticed I was breathing faster than normal so I focused on my breathing, and Zane just held me while we stood there in the kitchen.
I could hear Bobby in the living room and I knew he could hear our conversation, and part of me felt bad because I’m sure it was awkward for him. But another part of me didn’t care. I wanted, needed, a few minutes of the world not existing before going and being social. I needed this time with Zane to make things ok between us, even though they weren’t messed up.
I don’t know. Maybe it was just reassurance.
“I just feel really overwhelmed right now. I’m sorry. I don’t know why.” I said after about 30 seconds.
“Do you not want to play the game?”
“That would be rude,” was my reply. Bobby had stayed so long specifically to be able to play when I got home. It would be awful of me to not play, especially since he technically bought my dinner. I couldn’t do that.
“No. I’ll play.”
I put my stuff down in the room. I changed into grungy, comfy cloths, and I came back out to a fairly quiet living room with low lighting. Zane shuffled and dealt out the cards. I guess Bobby had an expansion set for the game so I had to learn a few new rules, but over all it was really low key and fun.
I smiled and tried my hand at bluffing and calling BS a few times. We played a few rounds, about 30 minutes worth, but eventually Bobby wanted to head home.
Once we were alone Zane and I talked. Really talked.
I told him how I felt bad, that I wanted to be alone, how I never got to be alone really, or at least it felt like I didn’t.
He offered to sleep on the couch. I told him that I could. That I didn’t mind. I don’t like the idea of kicking him out of the room, and I feel that’s what I would be doing if I asked to be alone in it. I would be forcing him out.
He said he hates it when I sleep on the couch because in all of his past relationships it’s been a punishment. The doghouse mentality. He doesn’t want me to feel punished, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s punishing me, so me sleeping on the couch isn’t a cool thing for him.
He said that he didn’t mind. That he would watch TV or play Skyrim and let me have the room for the night. We cuddled for a little bit before he left the room. He reassured me that we were ok.
“I promise. Everything is fine. Get some sleep.”
And with that he got up, turned the light out for me, and shut the door. Scarlet was in the room and after a little bit she curled up next to me, her paws and head resting on my shoulder as she purred.
That was the last thing I remember about last night. I don’t remember getting tired, or fighting sleep. I remember petting Scarlet and then waking up to sunlight through the window and mildly worrying that I had overslept for work, but not really caring because I was too focused on realizing that I didn’t feel like crap anymore.
I felt… normal. I felt awake. I felt pretty awesome actually.
I got up and went to the living room to wake Zane up. He went back to sleep in the bed while I heated up oatmeal that I had made yesterday. I never ate it because the bad feelings had started and eating became an unappealing thought.
I guess that worked out fairly well though because it meant that I didn’t have to wait all that long for food this morning. Steel cut oats take so much longer to cook than the last container we had. I guess precooking breakfast is something I could start doing, especially with how much time it saved me this morning.
I had coffee and breakfast as I poked around on Witcher for a bit. It was calm, relaxing, and quiet. I got through several small quests and even gained a new level. Zane was still asleep around 11:20, and I was ready to start my day, so I changed into workout cloths, leaned over him and nudged him until he woke up.
“I’m going to go running.” I said, kissing him.
“Alright. Have fun.” He also mentioned how being woken up with kisses was a pretty awesome wakeup call in his book. Being affectionate this morning didn’t seem hard, or forced. It didn’t feel like it was taking energy to do.
It’s something that I’ve noticed. The worse I feel the less I want to express affection. The more I pull away into myself. I guess Zane has picked up on that. I’m glad I felt normal enough this morning to express love and affection. I’m glad that it meant something to him and that he noticed.
I didn’t do all that awesome on my run. I went running outside again, and about a quarter of the way through my run I ran into a wall of pressure and humidity. It felt like Darth Vader was trying to use a force push on me. I kept going though. I averaged an 18:20 mile for my pace. Super crappy compared to the progress I had been making, but I haven’t been working out consistently, I was running during the hotter part of the day, and I was so dehydrated that I wasn’t sweating properly. So I think when taking all of that into account I did pretty well.
And, as always, any run is better than no run.
I had three cups of water while talking to Zane when I got home. He woke up when I came into the room and we spent a bit of time chatting. Before I showered I had half a tuna sandwich. I mentioned how I felt icky on the inside and that I had hoped going for a run and sweating would cleanse everything out. That tends to happen when I have a good workout.
At the moment we have tentative plans to go for a walk later tonight to see if that helps both of us. He was feeling sort of icky too, but I think that has more to do with him staying inside all day. I think getting out will do both of us good.
There’s a spin class at 6:45. I’m mildly thinking about going to it. That way we could walk to the gas station for a Gatorade together afterwards. It would give us a direction and purpose rather than aimlessly walking ‘because it’s good for us.’
I’m not married to the idea, but I think it would be good. I like the way it feels inside of my head at least.
So that’s been my day so far. Woke up, went running, and now I’m at work.
I’ve gone through all of my emails and caught up on the blogs I follow. I’ve gone through all of my work messages. There was a notice asking for volunteers for orientation next week. I actually thought about signing up, since I’m feeling so solid today, but I think I’m going to hold off on it. I don’t think jumping straight back into super social things will be the best course of action at the moment.
I had an email from YogaDownload.com about a deal for memberships again. Half price for an Elite monthly membership, which made it roughly $10. I went ahead and got that and have already started downloading yoga programs that I want to try, and several old ones that I lost.
I can put them on my phone and go through the routines after running or working out at the gym, like what I used to do at the YMCA. I think that is another step in the right direction. It took money, but I think it was more of an investment rather than a waste. Funny how we’re always able to justify the things we want.
For real though, I think it was good, and smartly done. I didn’t go blow $60 on a yearly membership. I got it for one month, unlimited downloads, so I can get the things I want and then if I feel the need to, cancel it next month. I really enjoy YDL though, and at $10 I think I’ll keep it going.
There are a few programs for chakras that I think I’m going to try going through. They are currently downloading.
I’m super hungry right now, so I’m most likely going to scavenge for food while the class in on break, and then come back and either sketch or work on my homework assignment.
Today has a good feel to it. Hoping it stays that way.