Musing Moment 0053: Public Promise

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I had a realization yesterday when I sat down to do my “Challenge Homework”.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day that you make the push goal you have picked out a public promise. Basically you’re giving your word that you’ll achieve whatever goal it is that you set for yourself, no matter what.

My realization?

I really don’t care about my goal all that much. Not enough to promise I’ll achieve it.

Ok… back to square one I guess…?

I don’t think writing stories for commission money is going to make me feel like a better person. I don’t think it factors into personal or spiritual growth. It helps solve my financial issue, which is a big thing, but it doesn’t do anything for me specifically. And yeah, right now I want to be selfish. I want to do something for me, only me, and screw the rest of the world. So much of my focus and stress is caused by external sources right now. I don’t want to focus on the outside. I want, need, to shift my attention inside. I’m allowed to focus on myself.

I need to focus on myself.

So I really think that my push goal aught to be “work out consistently”. That’s something that I want to promise. That’s something that works on my physical health, my spiritual growth, my personal growth, and my emotional health. That’s something that’s actually important to me, and it’s something that is helping me deal with the financial stress of my current situation. It’s keeping me sane.

Another thing I realized was that I would have to make a promise to someone. But I really don’t want anyone involved. This is a very internal thing for me at the moment. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be accountable to anyone. Again… going back to that whole screw the world thing.

I’m in hardcore introvert mode. If it’s not an obligation, it’s not happening. And even that’s dodgy. Right now I don’t care if I let anyone down. The only person I’m concerned with is myself. I need to make sure I’m ok, before I worry about if other people are ok.

The person my choices are going to impact the most is me. So, instead of promising a whole bunch of people that I’m going to do something, I’m going to promise myself, that vulnerable part of me that has over 9,000 feet worth of concrete wall around herself because right now she’s the only one I’m worried about.

Hey you,

Yeah you.

I promise that I’m going to take care of us. I promise that we’ll be ok. I’m going to start going to the gym everyday again. I promise that we’ll be able to run a 10 minute mile like we’ve always wanted. I promise that as soon as we can, we’ll get new running shoes because we deserve them.

I promise that I’ll make you proud. That I’ll be the super hero you think I am. I promise I won’t let you down. I promise that we’ll make it through this, and that even though it sucks, that I’ve got your back.

You can count on me. I’ll always be here for you, and I’ll always try to do the best thing for us.

I love you.

Sincerely,

Yourself

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