Musing Moment 0053: Public Promise

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I had a realization yesterday when I sat down to do my “Challenge Homework”.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day that you make the push goal you have picked out a public promise. Basically you’re giving your word that you’ll achieve whatever goal it is that you set for yourself, no matter what.

My realization?

I really don’t care about my goal all that much. Not enough to promise I’ll achieve it.

Ok… back to square one I guess…?

I don’t think writing stories for commission money is going to make me feel like a better person. I don’t think it factors into personal or spiritual growth. It helps solve my financial issue, which is a big thing, but it doesn’t do anything for me specifically. And yeah, right now I want to be selfish. I want to do something for me, only me, and screw the rest of the world. So much of my focus and stress is caused by external sources right now. I don’t want to focus on the outside. I want, need, to shift my attention inside. I’m allowed to focus on myself.

I need to focus on myself.

So I really think that my push goal aught to be “work out consistently”. That’s something that I want to promise. That’s something that works on my physical health, my spiritual growth, my personal growth, and my emotional health. That’s something that’s actually important to me, and it’s something that is helping me deal with the financial stress of my current situation. It’s keeping me sane.

Another thing I realized was that I would have to make a promise to someone. But I really don’t want anyone involved. This is a very internal thing for me at the moment. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be accountable to anyone. Again… going back to that whole screw the world thing.

I’m in hardcore introvert mode. If it’s not an obligation, it’s not happening. And even that’s dodgy. Right now I don’t care if I let anyone down. The only person I’m concerned with is myself. I need to make sure I’m ok, before I worry about if other people are ok.

The person my choices are going to impact the most is me. So, instead of promising a whole bunch of people that I’m going to do something, I’m going to promise myself, that vulnerable part of me that has over 9,000 feet worth of concrete wall around herself because right now she’s the only one I’m worried about.

Hey you,

Yeah you.

I promise that I’m going to take care of us. I promise that we’ll be ok. I’m going to start going to the gym everyday again. I promise that we’ll be able to run a 10 minute mile like we’ve always wanted. I promise that as soon as we can, we’ll get new running shoes because we deserve them.

I promise that I’ll make you proud. That I’ll be the super hero you think I am. I promise I won’t let you down. I promise that we’ll make it through this, and that even though it sucks, that I’ve got your back.

You can count on me. I’ll always be here for you, and I’ll always try to do the best thing for us.

I love you.

Sincerely,

Yourself

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Daily Post 0174: Leading By Example

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It’s 10:30. I’m sitting at the kitchen table since I cleared off a space on it. Zane is in the room sleeping. He was up late and isn’t ready to wake up yet.

Yesterday was another day that started well enough and then ended badly. For both of us.

There was an off-handed comment, I’m sure it was meant to be self-depreicating and a ‘joke’, But it wasn’t funny to me. And I don’t know what to do with the swarm of anger and sadness inside me.

I scanned my artwork yesterday before leaving school. I got to see Mike, a co-worker who was moved to a different department. I got to see Sean as well and split a cookie with him since there was leftover food in the breakroom from some meeting that had happened.

I went home and was able to go to kickboxing. It was a good workout, but the sound system kept messing up so it was a little frustrating. I came home and had time to spend with Zane before showering and going to dinner.

I had a wonderful evening with Nicole, Marc, and Desiree. I might be seeing Nicole on Thursday before she leaves town at 3 in the morning on Friday. She’s nervous but excited about her move. I’m hoping everything works out for her. She deserves it.

I came back home afterwards, and that when things got a little icky.

The sink was full of dishes, and none of them were mine. I had cleaned the kitchen before I left for work, and it had been empty before going out to dinner. Zane was in the room watching anime. He had drawn a little bit earlier in the day while I was at work, and I actually like how his sketch turned out, but he had said job stuff would happen and it didn’t seem like anything had.

And this was after I had a conversation with my mom where I said I felt like the situation was different. How I reassured her that even though the situation was rough and sort of sucky, that I felt like leaving would be the wrong thing. I felt like I was eating my words.

Zane asked what was wrong, I mentioned the kitchen, which he said he would take care of. I asked about job applications. He hadn’t done anything. He would tomorrow.

I said ok.

He asked if I was alright. I was quiet for a little while, then I said that I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. That I didn’t want to be angry, but part of me was. I asked what he would feel if he was in my situation.

His answer was angry. I nodded. Scarlet was in the room, sitting in front of me as I sat in my computer chair, contemplating my situation. I ended up curling up on the floor with her so we could cuddle. It was comforting to feel her purring next to me.

Zane actually ended up filling out a few applications while I was spending time with Scarlet. There was silence which I was thankful for.

One of the applications he is in the process of filling out is for a post office position. It pays 15 an hour, but I guess the application is beyond annoying since it is a government job. He ended up getting frustrated because he has to call a number to get some information, so he didn’t finish the application last night.

Instead he stopped. He would finish it when he woke up since the place he needed to call wouldn’t be open at midnight. We watched an episode of Aldnoah. Three more left. We’re supposed to finish it today, but I don’t think we will. I don’t think I’m up for it. At least not right now.

When the episode was over we started talking. He’s upset and frustrated. He doesn’t want to get a part time job because it won’t be enough money. I had mentioned applying at the grocery stores or other businesses close to the apartment. He doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to work in fast food. He doesn’t want to have to go through that for the fourth time in his life.

I can understand that. But I can also see how it’s not fair to me. He doesn’t feel like he deserves this hardship in his life, but I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t think it’s right that I sell valuable items to cover someone else’s life because they don’t feel like they should have to work a part time minimum wage job while I go to work and not only deal with my stress but the added stress of figuring out how to support someone else.

If he had been working part time minimum wage for the past two months he would have his bike fixed already. He would be able to apply to more jobs because travel wouldn’t be an issue.

I told him that if he worked at all, that the money could go towards the bike. That I would keep covering as much as I could of his expenses so he could get it fixed since that’s one of the main issues.

He said ok. That he would apply to more places.

I don’t know how it came about, but he ended up saying that a solution would be going outside and stepping into traffic but at midnight there wasn’t traffic. How then he wouldn’t be a burden to those around him.

I was furious. I was hurt. I still am.

I left the living room. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have anything except blind emotion. Righteous fury blended seamlessly with ice cold depression.

I went into the room and had an angry cry where I felt like my actions aren’t enough. My effort and caring aren’t enough. My support isn’t enough.

I can’t be his will to live. I can’t be his will to change. He has to want that for himself. He has to want to be in a different place in life rather than sitting and wallowing in icky, murky water.

Just like me. We both have to want to change, and to actually do things to alter the situation.

I feel like I am. I feel like I’m working on myself, and putting in more effort into maintaining emotional stability. I feel like I’m doing better with the gym and that plays a huge role into it. I feel like I’m trying.

I can’t be the change for him. I can only be an example.

I wish this didn’t hurt.

Daily Post 0173: On the Other Side

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Yesterday was good, yet bad at the same time. It wasn’t ‘my bad’, though. It was hard to realize that. It was hard to keep the emotions separate from mine and to acknowledge that I actually did the right things yesterday, and that nothing needed or should have been different.

I didn’t realize it was ‘bad’ until the end of the night.

Zane woke up yesterday as I was finishing my goal writing around 1 in the afternoon. We cuddled on the couch together for a few minutes before he got up. The chicken for dinner needed to start defrosting so it could marinate and the pinto beans needed to soak so they could be cooked later as well.

I finished my writing, then went to the gym where I ran a 1.15 mile. I averaged an 18 minute pace, which after not being able to do a solid mile a few days before I felt was fine. Not my best, but improving. It felt like a good run, and when I got home I iced my shin for a little while, which I think is a huge factor of why my leg feels fine today.

Once I had eaten and had a few cups of water I went back into the room to work on my homework. Zane stayed in the living room playing Terraria.

I’m really not a fan of the art style of the game. I know it’s supposed to be 8-bit and low quality, but you can still do 8-bit and have it look nice. The graphics just don’t do it for me from an artistic stand point, and the sounds seem more like random noise and aggravate me. Just not my cup of tea.

Anyway, tangent.

I got most of the sound FX placed for my file before submitting it. This project is more of a ‘check up’ rather than a final submission. We do what we can, get a critique, then make the suggested changes. There’s a few things I want to go in and add, but for the most part everything is complete.

I ran into issues exporting the .m4v file, so I made a .mov which seem to work fine. I don’t think it uploaded properly though, so I have emailed the instructor. Currently I’m waiting on a reply to see if my file is ok.

After completing my school work for the day I showered then ran out to the store. We hadn’t been able to pick up everything we wanted on Sunday, so while Zane went ahead and started cooking the rice for dinner, and getting everything ready I went to the store to do the last bit of shopping.

Our main meal this week is going to be chicken nachos essentially. We have all of the mixings for it, so when it comes to be dinner time we heat up the filling and add whatever toppings we want, and poof. Dinner.

I had to go to Walmart for the burger I want for later this week, and trash bags. I got tomatoes and mushrooms while I was out as well. All in all I only spent roughly 5 minutes gathering the things I needed. Didn’t even use a cart or basket because I picked up so little. It was still about a 40 minute ordeal due to the amount of people. Arg. So frustrating. I despise having to go to that store.

It’s not that I dislike all Walmarts, even though I do try to avoid them as much as possible. I just really, REALLY, dislike the one that happens to be closest to me. It’s always messy, and crowded. Much lame.

But, the adventure was a success and mostly painless. I returned home with about an hour and a half to kill before going into work. I played Witcher 3 for a bit until dinner was done at which point I had enough time to eat super fast then head out the door.

That part of the day was a little frustrating because Zane and I were in the middle of finishing our cooking when Danielle and Trevor starting doing their own dinner, so four people were trying to do four different things in one small, confined space… Shoot me in the face now. >.<;

On top of having to deal with constantly running into people or having to wait to rinse something off, my dinner was rushed so I could make it to work on time. I had been hoping to relax and enjoy it while watching another episode of Aldnoah with Zane, but time constraints didn’t permit that.

As I was leaving Zane hugged me goodbye and said that he was lonely, that he had been all day.

That’s when things went bad for me.

I had thought yesterday was awesome. I had thought we were doing really well. All of our interactions had been playful. There had been lots of smiles. I had been super productive. I was going to go to work and he was going to work on game stuff, and apply for jobs and all of this awesomeness while I was gone…

But instead I found out, right before I left, that he had been depressed all day. And I had had no idea. He had been sad. While I had been out, doing the things I wanted to do, he had been sad.

I felt awful. And I stayed that way for the rest of the night.

I was able to figure out my schedule for next month while at work so I updated my calendar. It’s going to be a lot like this month, which I’m ok with. I went through and critiqued all of submissions for last week’s project for my audio class. I got caught up on messages and emails. But I didn’t have it in me to do the artist stuff I had wanted to get to.

And at the end of the lab I was too tired to care about scanning my artwork. I just wanted to go home. Zane had said we would talk when I got back.

When I got inside the first thing I noticed was that the kitchen was still a disaster, and Zane was still playing Terraria. No job applications filled out. No chores done. I was frustrated, and hurt.

What was I supposed to have done differently during the day? How did I mess it up? He was lonely and depressed because I had spent time doing the things I needed / wanted to do. I had gone to the gym and worked on homework. I had played Witcher 3 because he was playing his game, and then cooking dinner. An hour and a half wasn’t really enough time to get anything completed, so I didn’t want to start a project. And I didn’t want to be in the way in the kitchen.

I hadn’t been upset with him playing the game during the day while I was working on homework because he had said he would work while I was gone. So we wouldn’t be in the same room distracting each other. But none of that happened.

I was angry at him about that, and angry at myself for not picking up on his pain. We both spiraled pretty hard last night.

I guess it all came back to a misunderstanding earlier in the morning when he had first come out of the room. He had mentioned how he had woken up lonely, so we were cuddling, him laying on me with his head on my chest so I could hold him. While we were talking I mentioned that the beans needed to be put into water to soak, and that the chicken needed to defrost as well.

He took it to mean that I didn’t want to cuddle anymore. And then for the rest of the day I was busy with other things.

Last night I was too caught up in my own emotions. Logically I knew what type of emotional state he was in, because I had been there just a handful of days ago. Stuck in a consuming sadness.

When he told me that he felt I had pushed him away in the morning I felt even worse than I was already feeling. I felt like a failure, like it was my fault. That the voice in my head was right. I always mess everything up. I had said the wrong thing. I had done the wrong things. I’m thoughtless and careless. Heartless.

I know I’m not. But last night it was really hard not to believe that. We ended up making amends, but emotional pain for me doesn’t just disappear, and while I had come to terms with what happened on an energy level I was depleted and needed time to recover. I ended up going into the room and eventually fell asleep.

I’m not sure when Zane came to bed, but I woke up when he did. He said to wake him up when I got up so we could do breakfast and yoga together; something I had tried to get him to do with me the day before, which is why I went to the gym to run instead. He hadn’t been interested.

We didn’t cuddle or touch, but we were together and I was reassured by that.

I woke up at 6 again, had some water, checked my email then went back to sleep until 10:30. I poked Zane gently until he woke up, too. We were quiet for a while. Then we talked.

I had woken up still bothered by yesterday. It was still really close the the surface for me. I didn’t feel ok. But after talking things were better.

We both got up. I unloaded the dishwasher. Zane had oatmeal while I had a tuna sandwich. After a couple cups of water I had my cup of coffee. We watched another episode of Aldnoah, so we only have four more episodes left. At the moment we have tentative plans to finish the series tonight.

By the time the episode was done I had enough time to shower and head to work, which is almost over.

I’ve already been fairly productive today. Kickboxing is at 6 tonight, which I would like to go to. I never heard back from the dance studio, so I’m not going to be going there today. I’m actually sort of ok with holding off on doing that for now. I want to focus on a few other things first. One iron at a time I suppose. I think I’m going to focus on the certification for Maya first.

I’m happy with the gym, and once I start doing yoga again, I’ll be happy with that.

I have tentative plans to talk to Tre tomorrow. Nicole, Marc, Desiree and I might be doing dinner tonight since Nicole is moving to Tennessee at the end of the week. I still have a bit I want to accomplish today, but so far it has been good. Zane and I seem to be on the same page. He seems to be feeling better.

Hopefully it is a good day for both of us.

Musing Moment 0051: Goals

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Day three and four are about goals.

Day three was supposed to be yesterday, but I already had a full day planned out for me, so I didn’t sweat about not getting to this. Chalene makes you write out 10 goals, and not just ordinary, easy goals. Goals that are going to be a stretch, that excite you but make you a little uncomfortable at the same time.

So here are the 10 goals for the year that I want to accomplish.

I have paid $2000 on my Bank of America card.
I have lost an additional 60 lbs.
I can run an 8 minute mile.
I have completed setting up my Fredenator contract.
I have become a Maya Professional Certified User.

I do have 1000 followers on social media.
I have completed my Rigbox Reborn scripts.
I have created a new demo reel.
I have completed 6 months worth of dance classes.
I have earned $2000 in story commissions.

I have earned $1000 in art commissions.

We’re supposed to write our goals as if we have already accomplished them, so past or present tense.

Out of that list there is a push goal. A goal which will make most if not all of the other goals possible. That’s supposed to be day four. And it’s only now that I realize I didn’t really do much for spiritual growth… Most of this is personal or financial. Oh well. This is what I wanted, and still want. Goals fluctuate, too, so as I go through the challenge these goals may change.

Not going to sweat about it.

Back to the push goal. I’m going to go with the story commissions.

Back before I went to college I used to write fiction on a handful of different websites. I had several inquires about commissions, which, as a 21-year-old, terrified me, so I never did anything with it. I honestly think that I could easily make $2000 if I started writing again.

The same with art commissions. I have done them in the past, so I know if I set up my accounts again I could pull money in that way. There’s also the Fredenator contract that I haven’t completed yet which would allow me to profit from my Youtube channel.

I have options that I can look into, and since right now my biggest stress is my financial situation, taking steps to alleviate it would, I think, be the best move. My most immediate goal has always been to pay off the Bank of America card. I think if I can accomplish that a large financial, mental, and emotional burden will be lifted from me.

Having more money would also make it easier to obtain the certifications I want, since those will require purchasing a few books and the test vouchers. The dance classes will also be an expense even though they factor into physical and spiritual health. That’s also assuming that I like the classes, or that my schedule allows me the convenience of entertaining the notion.

There are a lot of factors, but I have several avenues to look at for bringing in extra income. It always comes back to money. Always.

Arg.

No excuses. Let’s do this.

Daily Post 0172: The Weekend Recap

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I just had the realization that most of the art stuff I have been working on I haven’t been posting. And it’s been so long now, a month or so, that I most likely won’t post it. Just not all that interested anymore. They’re in the past, no longer relevant, and I guess more selfishly / importantly, I really just don’t feel like doing it.

That being said, I want to scan the sketches I did this past week and post them just for fun. I may do that later today when I go into work. It’s been added to the to-do list so in a perfect world where I continue to have motivation to do things it will get done.

I really haven’t written much about daily life.

Saturday I had work at 1pm. I spent most of the time writing, catching up on reading, and in general waiting for the time to go home. There were a handful of questions, but for the most part I was left to my own devices, which worked for me.

I cleaned out my notebook which is normally a weekly thing. It used to be one of the tasks I did while at my sports bar, which hasn’t been a solo event in a few weeks, so it hasn’t been happening. But to be honest, it hasn’t been happening for a while, longer than the addition of Zane to my weekly escape, so he isn’t the cause or reason for it not getting done.

It’s another indication that things aren’t right in Jen Land. Organization, cleanliness, order, they all fall out of alignment when I do. My grip on them slackens and things that were once constants, traditions even, are left undone.

I’m working on correcting that. Clearing my browsing history, emptying my email trash can, my computer trash can, cleaning my notebook, going through my ‘in’ box at home… All of those things were once weekly chores which I haven’t consistently done since I moved in. It’s a little depressing to realize that. But with realization comes the possibly to fix it.

I suppose fix isn’t really the word I want to use. It’s not like it’s broken. I’ve obviously been able to carry on without my weekly routine. But having gone through and cleared out my notebook I am reminded of why I have my routines, my chores. They make me feel better. They keep my life organized and manageable. They give me small, easy things to do so when things feel overwhelming I do have small tasks that can help boost my esteem and motivation.

So Saturday I started back on that. One small task at a time I went about de-cluttering my life. When I got home I played Witcher 3 for a little bit while Zane continued to play a game on the TV.

When I first got home I was super sad, all of a sudden, out of nowhere… and for a little bit I did stay in bed. When Zane took a break from his game to check on me we talked about it, how it didn’t feel like my emotions, how I was sorry for feeling the way I did, pretty much the same old same old at this point.

We talked through it, which is when I decided to play Witcher for a bit. After about an hour I felt like I was on even ground again. Enough to be creative. Zane stopped playing his game so we could brainstorm the layout for the character sheets which needed to be created for the game on Sunday.

I actually really like the concepts we came up with, and that gave me motivation to work on them. It wasn’t just a nebulous, “make a sheet” type of project. There was form and direction and I knew what needed to get done. There was a check list, specific tasks, solid guidelines for me to follow. I was cool with that.

I went back to playing Witcher for a little bit. Zane seasoned and cooked some chicken breast so we could have chicken sandwiches. They turned out amazing. It was so much better than going out to eat, and we were able to watch another episode of Aldanoah Zero together.

I put ice on my leg again while we were brainstorming. I’m surprised by how much it helped. I’ll have to keep that in mind for when my shins start acting up again.

Aside from that Saturday was pretty chill.

Sunday was also a pretty decent day.

We had wanted to get up early, which ended up being closer to 11am. I had woken up at 6 in the morning. Zane was asleep on the couch, which I didn’t mind. He had said before I went to sleep that he was most likely going to be up for a while. I wasn’t sure when he went to bed and I wasn’t interested in staying awake, so I got some water and went back to the room with Scarlet.

Zane came in and woke me up at 10:30. We had wanted to be out the door at 11, but that wasn’t going to happen. And it didn’t. No regrets.

We ended up going to Moe’s for our date day. The experience / service was actually pretty lackluster, which sort of sucks. They didn’t have sweet tea. They didn’t have the sugar packets I like using. The server rang up the order wrong.

All of these little things kept happening, and each time inside my head I was like, “Nope. Today is going to be a good day. Screw you, Minor Inconvenience.”

When we finally sat down at our table I told Zane how I was trying to not let the little things bother me, but how the situation wasn’t going the way I had envisioned it in my head and that was bothering me. Luckily we had awesome conversation and the food was good. Lunch saved. Huzzah.

Afterwards we went across the street to do the grocery shopping. Which I totally forgot that we made the shopping list Saturday night. We figured we would be spending roughly $70 to $100 this week, which is still good. Either under or right at what I normally budget.

The Publix we went to was super busy, which frustrated Zane. He doesn’t like shopping and being around a lot of people. We had a bit of a spat in the checkout line, of all places. I felt like it was a bit of a scene, and my brain was all to happy to being downward spiral mode.

We talked about it in the car, and by the time we got back to the apartment we were both joking around and teasing each other again. Day not ruined. Huzzah!

I put all of the groceries away as Zane cleaned and prepped the hookah for later that night. Afterwards I began work on the character sheet. The stats page is the most involved, so once I had a prototype done I took a break, playing Witcher of course.

Zane looked the sheet over and found some errors. I boiled some eggs so we could make tuna later and scrubbed the kitchen counters and stove because they were awful. Once I was done in the kitchen I went back to working on the sheets, making the corrections that Zane noted, and then created the backstory sheet as well as an items sheet.

By the time I was done Zane’s brother was here and John was in the living room as well. We all sat and filled in our sheets. There’s a fair amount that we / I want to change about it now that we are actively using them. Most of it is esthetics though. The sheets actually held up really well for the first test. Very minor things need to be changed, a few things need to be added. A couple new sheets need to be made. One for companion creatures / mounts, and another to act as a spell book for magic casters.

Bobby came over around 9pm. We helped him fill out his sheet since by then we were all masters at it, and then the game began. To be honest I became frustrated and bored with the game because my character wasn’t able to do much. The few things I said I felt like were ignored, or I wasn’t heard, much like real life.

Also, my character is not native to the continent the campaign is being held on, so when I asked about something Uke, Zane’s brother, said that it would be common knowledge to my character. That I would have read about it in my research about the continent… Awesome, dude. It would be nice to know what my character knows so I know how to play her…

That’s a DM thing though. Mechanic wise the combat and currency systems are holding up well. I mentioned my issue about the character knowledge to Zane and Bobby after the game while we were discussing what we liked / didn’t like, and they agreed that Uke and I should sit down and discuss my character knowledge before the next game.

Zane could tell that I wasn’t 100% into the game around 11. I was tired, bored, and mildly frustrated. He pulled me back into the bedroom to ask me what was wrong.

I told him nothing was wrong. And then went on to say how I was tired, bored, how it felt like my character couldn’t do anything in the encounter because I was behind everyone, in the back of the party, and how I felt called out because he had said he wanted to talk to me alone for a few minutes.

See, nothing’s wrong. Everything is perfect… as I claw your face off… rawr!

He hugged me and apologized. He hadn’t meant anything bad about wanting to talk to me. He said that it seemed like I wasn’t ok, and he wanted to make sure I was. He was trying to care for me. I asked how much longer the game was going to go, not because I really wanted it to end. The introvert in me needed to know that there was an end in sight, that social time wouldn’t last for forever.

Uke had to leave around midnight, so at most there would be another hour. I could do that. We hugged the whole time we were talking, and that helped. It gave me a bit of a recharge and closeness which I needed. I also made a cup of coffee when we went back out to join the others since I hadn’t had my cup that morning. Holding the warmth in my hands helped too. I don’t know why it does, but it does.

The rest of the experience was fun. I got to engage a bit more, and after the game when it was just Bobby, Zane and I my introvert was fine. Less people, less input.

After chatting for a bit about the game I showered and ended up going to sleep.

And here we are at a new day. A Monday.

I have already made a batch of oatmeal, so that should last a few days. I made the tuna. I have had two glasses of water. I have gone through and completed the challenge assignments for the past two days. I have looked into my student loans since I received an email about them. I tried calling mom, but got the answering machine instead.

I haven’t talked to her in about three weeks. Hard to believe it’s been that long. I don’t feel like I have much to talk about other than how I’ve been struggling with my emotions. It might be a fairly short conversation.

I’ve gone through all of my email. Once I finish my blog I have the tasks of going to the gym and working on homework. For the most part my tasks today are light and, in theory, easily accomplished.

I have work at 9pm. And since I don’t have much else to write about at the moment I guess I should get up and continue on with my day.

Daily Post 0171: Step one – Research

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Yesterday had its ups and downs. Seriously, they were all over the place. I’m honestly glad it is over, and I was grateful for a good nights rest to help reset myself from it.

The morning started off rough. For no reason. Just because the day before was a decent day, so yesterday had to suck. At least that seems to be the trend I’m following. Good day, bad day, good day, bad day. Arg.

How about we just average everything together into a mediocre day? Or just good days? Could we do just good days? I think I would be cool with just good days for a while.

So yeah, yesterday morning was lame. Zane and I went to my sports bar together, which brightened it a bit. We talked about my lack of direction. We talked about a few things that I’ve always thought about doing but never have.

We talked about how I really don’t, truly, honestly want to go into the military and why I don’t.

When I got home I actually looked into pole dancing classes, which was one of the things I mentioned while we were out. I know that sounds crass and debasing, but it’s actually something on my bucket list.

To me it sounds interesting. It sounds fun. It sounds empowering and sexy. It sounds like a hobby. To me it’s just a type of dancing, and form of expression with the body, just another art like so many other things. I’m curious about it. Always have been, but have never been confident enough to do anything about it. It’s always been ‘out of my reach’ I guess.

I shyly told Zane about being interesting in it during lunch and he thought it was awesome. He encouraged me to look into it. That he thought it could be good for me.

Classes / a membership to a studio would be more expensive that what I’m comfortable paying at the moment, but there is a trial membership that lasts for a week. I emailed the studio today to see if I could go to their beginner class on Tuesday, so as far as that goes I have to wait to hear back from them.

I also looked into Maya certification, hardcore this time, not just nebulously. It would be $20 for the test book, and then $85 for the test voucher. Luis is interested in becoming certified, which is what sparked that research last night. I think I’m going to do it. I think we’re going to do it together. I haven’t talked to him since last night about it, and this morning was when I got the solid numbers, so we’ll have to talk that over more and figure out a time frame for when we want to do this.

It feels nice having a few directions play with and entertain. All of the forums I found said the Certified User test is pretty easy. 35 questions, 50 minutes, mostly multiple choice or point-and-click. There’s a handful of things I want to brush up on, but I’m pretty sure I can score well on it.

I was sort of bummed after l got the numbers for the dance classes. It’s another thing where it’s something I want to do that I can’t do because of money that I actually do have, I’m just spending when I shouldn’t have to.

Zane mentioned getting my credit card reissued to go ahead and take the classes, because it’s something that I want. We also talked about doing the bar tending classes together, which is something else I’m interested in. It just seems cool. It’s something I could do on the side. It’s something I think I would be good at.

I don’t know. I haven’t used my credit card since last August, and that was to pay for my website. Next month seems like an easy schedule though as far as work. It’s going to be the same as this month, so I would be able to go to the pole classes. The bar tending thing would have to wait until next month most likely, and that would be five weeks over the weekend. It would also be about $400 for each of us, which would be more than I want to pay on my own. Blarg.

I need to mull those over for a while, but yeah, I want to try this trial membership to see if it’s even something I want to do. It sounds interesting, but is it really? Is it all just a made up thing inside of my head? Who knows? Only one way to find out.

So there’s that.

I ended up starting the 30 day challenge again. It helped to write about the different areas of my life. To really look at them and to ask myself what I really felt about them. Are they doing alright or do they suck? Why do they suck, or why do I feel good about them? What could fix them or help make them suck less?

It felt good to not hold back on the why part. It felt good to be blatantly honest with myself. I think that’s the first step to any sort of recovery. Honesty. A true assessment. How bad is it really? How dirty and infected?

I think I have a lot of areas that need attention, which is why as a whole I feel like all of me is wounded. Lots of little things are adding up to feel like a major thing. In theory that aught to mean that the fixes are relatively easy. A handful of small changes will have a huge impact. At least that’s what I’m hoping.

I went to work at 9pm, which was chaos. So many questions. >.<;

I wasn’t able to do much of anything aside from bounce from one student to another. I don’t have much faith in the turn-ins. At least not from the projects I was looking at last night.

Oh. I suppose I should mention that I went running before work at the gym. I saw John there as I was leaving. And running most likely wasn’t the best thing for me to do since I ran yesterday, and even that was a rough run with how sore my left shine was. I tried holding on for a solid mile last night, but at .95 I stopped because I still had to hobble home. My shine was killing me, and continued to hurt all night and into this morning.

I actually put an ice pack on it earlier which helped a little bit. I plan to ice it again once I get home. Currently I’m at work, but I’m able to walk without extreme pain so that’s a plus side. I need to keep in mind that I need to care for myself and be smart about working out.

I knew last night that I needed to do something gym related, but I could have biked or done the elliptical or any number of more responsible things. I’m not going to beat myself up over it, especially since I stopped before it got too bad, but I know myself. I know I have a habit of pushing too hard, so I need to be mindful of making the healthy choice.

I thought about playing Witcher 3 last night but opted to go to sleep instead. Zane stayed up with insomnia since things had been rough between us for most of the day. Scarlet slept with me so I had a cuddle buddy, but it’s not the same.

I told Zane this morning that I missed him, and asked if he was staying out of the room because he thought I wanted space. He said no, that he wasn’t able to sleep, and that he knew I wanted him next to me, and that he was sorry he hadn’t been able to sleep. We got to nap for a few hours together this morning. I hope we’ll be able to fall sleep together tonight.

Today has been personally frustrating, but at least I’m moving forward with things.

I had a glass of water, which is something I’m going to try to start doing; having a full glass of water first thing in the morning. Eventually I want it to be two glasses, small steps though. I’ll work up to it.

I heated up the last container of oatmeal and had my coffee while I wrote about my key and intrinsic priorities and ironed out my priority statement. I feel like I’m taking small steps to help myself in that area.

I showered. Zane and I may be doing yoga together once I get home. I know there is a push-up challenge I would like to do. I want to do some leg stretching as well since all of my muscles are tight from running two days in a row and not stretching afterwards at all… Again, not making the healthy choices I should be.

I went to the bank since my debit card still has not come in the mail yet, and my temp card expires today. That was literally two hours worth of waiting to be seen. I was an hour late to work because of it. Since tomorrow is grocery day though I sort of needed to get that done. I asked about getting my credit card reissued while I was there, since I wasn’t able to request a reissue online.

I was told to call a number to talk to customer service. So after my two hour wait in the lobby of my bank I called the number while sitting in my car. Once I finally reached a person it was a pretty quick and painless process. Even with having no information about my card we were able to get things squared away. I should have both cards in roughly 10 days.

If they aren’t delivered then it is most likely an issue with the post office, since both addresses are correct. Another thing added to the ‘waiting for’ list I suppose. At least I have done as much as I can with them.

And that’s my day so far. Productive, frustrating, life. At least I’m doing stuff. Here’s to hoping it’s the right stuff.

Musing Moment 0050: Intrinsic vs. Key

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My Intrinsic Priority, the thing that comes most naturally to me, has always been work. Though I can’t say that I have been putting much effort into it lately, when I was I was giving it my all. School, work, it is what I use to define who I am. It is what I use to measure my worthiness.

Did I do a good job? Do people appreciate my time and effort? Did I contribute to the project? Did I do my best? Am I proud of the work I did? Are other people proud? Did I bring those I represent honor?

Those are the questions that go through my head at the end of a project. At the end of almost everything I do, and even though I have scored myself low in this area, I know on the inside that this is my Intrinsic Priority.

My key priority, what I aught to be focusing on… I’m not sure. There are so many areas of my life that I have scored low, and they are all areas that are interconnected. There are not clear lines separating them into nice, neat categories for me.

Working out ties into personal and spiritual growth for me. Career, personal growth, and finances tie into emotional heath. All of them go into emotional health. So I can’t say that Emotional Health is my key priority, because focusing on that isn’t really where I need to focus. Emotional health, or sickness in this case, is the symptom, not the cause, so focusing on it will not solve the underlying issue.

Really, after thinking about it for a bit, I honestly think that I should give most of my energy to Personal and Spiritual growth to correct my imbalance.

Why these Key Priorities

Focusing on personal growth would factor into my career, physical health, and possibly finances, which would in turn factor into emotional health. Spiritual growth would filter into personal growth, possibly career, physical health and ultimately emotional health.

I feel those two areas would have the biggest impact on my overall wellbeing.

How will I honor my choice?

I will finish reading The Eight Fold Path as well as my other Buddhist book. I feel that will help me accept where I am currently at and provide assistance with dealing with the internal conflict I feel. I feel it will open me to new perspectives.

I will work towards my goal of Maya Certification. I will go back to my meal planning, hopefully with the support of Zane. I will begin working out in the morning rather than waiting until later in the evening like I have been, since one of the excuses I use is being tried at night. I miss the way I felt in the morning having already accomplished something major for myself and my own personal gains.

Cutting the Crap

To ensure I honor my key priorities I will limit how much I procrastinate by allowing depression to hold me back. When I feel like making an excuse, when I hear the evil voice in my head whispering its spiteful words, I will counter them. I will refuse to listen and I will ask myself, “Do my actions support my goals?”

I will be proud of my actions from now on. I will stand behind them and not be ashamed. I will hold my head high and proudly say that no, I did not stay on the couch, I didn’t stay in bed. I actually did the things I wanted to do, even if it was hard. Even if I didn’t want to do them. I did.

I’m awesome, and that little voice can shove it. I’ll prove it wrong, just like I have time and time again. I’ll get to where I want to be, even if I have no idea where that is at the moment.

Priority Clarity Statement

So, for clarification… My key priorities are personal and spiritual growth. I will continue exploring Buddhism as a way to find inner peace and connectedness with myself and the world around me. With reality. I will return to focusing on my physical health and improving myself as an artist both in my digital design endeavors and my computer animation skills.

I would be dishonoring my key priority if I continue to make excuses to not do the things I know will move me forward on my goals. I would be dishonoring my priority if I can not look someone in the eye and unashamedly recount my actions when asked what I did during my day.

I will limit the attention I give the negative words in my head. In fact, I will cut them down as soon as they are uttered. I am not the negative things I say to myself. I am better than that. I am awesome. I am not a failure. I am not weak. I am not a waste. I am amazing. I am successful. I am a badass and a warrior and I will find my inner peace once again. I will heal these emotional wounds and return to being the strong figure I know I can be.