Daily Post 004: Post Monday Seasoned with Trying Tuesday

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Today is a stark contrast to yesterday.

Yesterday was amazing. Awesome. Fantastic. Productive.

It started at 9am with waking up to my alarm for the first time in months. I can’t say it was super easy, but I only hit snooze once before getting up. I sleepily unloaded the dishwasher then had half of a breakfast shake with half a small apple. After that I was feeling way more awake and ready for the day. I headed out the door and to the gym where I ran a mile. I maintained the pace I had the other night. So no real improvement, but no regression either, and no real pain in my shines, so that was a win in my book.

I woke Zane up when I got home since he had asked me to. I cooked oatmeal so we could have some premade breakfasts in the fridge for later in the week. I also put a pot of rice on to cook for the curry. I peeled and deveined the shrimp and then went about cooking the curry so we would have dinner / lunches made.

Eventually I had breakfast of rice and egg. I forgot to add the sarachia sauce but it was still tasty. Just less spicy.

I packed my lunchbox and made sure all the dishes were taken care of and the kitchen was clean. I even put the cloths away before showering and going to work.

It was the first lab at work so I had to do the introduction speech. “Don’t set the computers on fire. If you have questions you have to actually ask them because I’m not a mind reader.” That sort of thing. The class seems to be really interactive. I think I’ll have fun with them.

Once they got to work I was able to get to work on my stuff, checking emails, responding to messages. I paid the storage unit since that was due. I checked out my new class for the month and got my battle plan ready for that. I completed all of the reading for the week and began brainstorming for the discussion post and the weekly assignment.

I have to make a card, the Jack of Hearts, in an Art Nouvou or Art Deco style. I haven’t figured out what I really want to do with it yet, but I have some stuff written down that I will look further into later.

Seven students didn’t show up to lecture so instead of two labs there’s only one. That frees up four hours for me. And since the lab has been officially scheduled, that means the lab room is going to be completely empty for those four hours. I have a spot that I can work in, alone, undisturbed, this month.

And that’s what I did yesterday. I stayed at work and recorded my responses to the discussion questions and edited them into a video to post.

I even cross stitched a bit. It was so close to being done before I left work. I really felt awesome and like I was on top of stuff. So much so that I stopped by Arby’s and got cookies for Zane and I. I deserved it damnit.

When I got home things were pretty alright. The kitchen wasn’t a disaster. I had dinner in the living room with Zane while he watched Youtube stuff. John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight. It was awesome, too. I laughed so much.

We had a Chia Tea hookah while we were watching the show. Bobby ended up coming over so after a little while I went back to the room. I figured Zane and I would have more time together later. We had been pretty affectionate earlier during the day before I went to work, and there had been the promise of later.

So at 1am when I was falling asleep I went back out to the living room and said goodnight while everyone continued to play video games. At 2am when I got frustrated with not being able to sleep I went back to the living room. Everyone else had gone to sleep or left. Zane said he would come to sleep shortly, in about an hour when he got tired.

At 5am when I woke up I went back to the living where Zane said he was going to sleep on the couch.

I somehow fell back to sleep alone in the room. When my alarm went off at 9am Zane was in bed with me. I don’t remember that. I turned the alarm off and stayed in bed.

I felt empty. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to go to the gym. I didn’t want breakfast. I wanted a hug. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to not feel lied to.

So I stayed in bed. I went back to sleep. I woke up around 11am. I didn’t move until 11:30 and that was only because I “had” to. I made breakfast. Oatmeal and egg. I only ate part of it leaving the mostly full bowl on the coffee table. I made coffee, but I didn’t drink it. Any of it. I left it sitting on the counter in the kitchen because it didn’t matter.

I sat in the chair in the living room until 12:20 when I “had” to take a shower. Zane was awake when I got out and came into the bed room to change. He hugged me. And even though I wanted to be touched so badly, it burned. It hurt. It’s like when you want something so much that you’re scared of having it because you know it won’t be enough so it’s easier to go without it.

He said he was sorry I felt detached, and that apology felt so hollow. So empty.

I took the time to prep the fabric for another project. Since today is another full day I didn’t want to be at work with nothing to do for eight hours. I don’t have it in me to work on my assignment today. Zane and I talked about stuff while I was in the room. Nothing important. I thanked him for cleaning the bathroom the other day. He mentioned how he had cut the chicken for the Cajun pasta. I’m not sure what else.

He walked me out to my car.

And here I am at work.

I’ve finished the last project I was working on. I’m happy with it. I’m about to start the new one. It’s going to be one of the bigger pieces I’ve done. I’m looking forward to it.

I still feel empty though. I still feel detached. Like I’m not really here. Like I’m not really connected to anyone. My back still burns where I can feel Zane’s hands on me. On my arms. On my cheeks. I want to be held but I know I’m going to have to wait for the pain to run its course before it becomes comforting.

It sucks. I wonder if anyone else ever feels like this. Where physical touch feels like an addiction, and when it’s denied it feels like withdrawals.

Today feels like it’s going to be a long day. I don’t have lunch with me. I didn’t pack it because I didn’t care, and right now I still don’t even though I can tell I’m getting slightly hungry. I might get soup from Crispers. At 4pm they still are doing their happy hour deal where everything is half price, so for $3 I can have a bowl of warm soup, with water, since I haven’t had anything to drink today.

I shouldn’t be neglecting myself like this. I shouldn’t be sad just because Zane couldn’t sleep and stayed up all night. I shouldn’t feel lied to. And all of these shouldn’ts eat away at me, because just because I “shouldn’t” doesn’t change the fact that I do.

Saying that I “shouldn’t” just means that I feel guilt on top of everything else because I’m doing something “wrong”.

My goal today is to find some baseline of peace. Not really happiness, but a level of contentedness where I’m at least able to eat.

Normally this is the type of day that I say is wasted. The type of day that I sleep through, waiting for tomorrow to try again. It doesn’t help that it’s rainy outside. Dreary, like my mind.

But I’m not going to do that today. Today isn’t a waste. Today is low, yes, but not a waste. I can still hold a warm cup of soup in my hands. I have finished a project already and can get a fair amount of progress through a new one. I can let my mind relax and work through the tangles of thought while I stitch and find a clearer understanding for my emotions.

I can reconcile them within myself so when I go home I don’t cut Zane and I with the broken shards I seem so determined to hold on to. It’s a new day. A different day. Nothing bad happened yesterday. It was different than what I wanted. It was lonelier than what I wanted. But today doesn’t have to instigate that loneliness.

I don’t really have anything else to type. I don’t know what else to say. It’s still just a knot inside of my chest. Hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, betrayal a little bit which is hard to admit to. It seems low, selfish of me. It seems to be a habit though. “Later”. It’s always later. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. And those thoughts are sharp new pains that I don’t want to figure out right now.

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Daily Post 003: Pre-Monday

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Today has been a day, and at the moment that’s all I can feel towards it.

It started off ok. I had breakfast and coffee, Zane and I made plans for shopping since I won’t be able to do it at all during the week. While we were on the way to the oriental market Zane and I had a fight. It was so bad he told me to pull over because he was going to walk home. It sucked. There were tears. It felt pointless, but it got better and we ended up continuing on with the day, with an additional minor spat at the store about tofu.

Zane: Is it ok if I get this?
Me: Yes.
Zane: Are you sure? We don’t have to get it.
Me: /goes on a murder spree

We’re under budget again, though with how much we’ve been eating out I don’t feel like we have an accurate gauge on how much we actually spend on food. We sat down and meal planned all our meals this week, rather than leaving it as nebulous ideas. We rationed out everything, so this meal should be four servings, and this one should be eight, these eggs should last this long…

So really now it comes down to dedication of sticking to the plan rather than skimping out.

We’re going to be doing green curry again with a Cajun pasta for dinners this week. Tuna and pb&j for lunches. I also got some ramen containers to take with me to work. We got more oatmeal since we used the last of it the week before, and we have rice pre-fried for a more Japanese type breakfast of rice with eggs. I’ve had it before, and it’s actually pretty awesome.

So, we should be fine for grocery. That’s including buying more dish detergent and cat litter.

John was playing music in the living room, rather loudly, for most of the morning. While Zane and I were on the way home I mentioned how I didn’t want to be home with that, but how I didn’t have a “spot” any more. A place to go to be away from everything / one. No room, no hide away, no alone time.

We talked about libraries, which I still plan to look into. With the schedule for the coming month I’m never going to really have time to go to my sports bar during the week, which is the only time they do the lunch special, and the main reason I go to it. I don’t like going before work because I feel rushed. It’s not the relaxed, “I don’t have anywhere else to be” getaway when I have to watch the clock to make sure I’m not late for my shift.

It’s another thing that I feel like I’m having to give up. And while Zane and I were talking about not having a “spot” it really bothered me. I mentioned how I would love to find a nice quiet café to be able to work at, but how I despised Starbucks.

That led to talking about a café that has been mentioned to me before. Sleeping Moon. I’ve never been there personally, and with wanting to stay out of the apartment for a while Zane and I thought it might be nice to check it out together.

We went home after stopping at Publix for the remainder of our shopping. We put everything up, trying to find space in the fridge because everyone else had been shopping as well, and then went back out on our adventure. Of course that was after looking online to get a general feel for what Sleeping Moon was going to offer because no introvert ever goes out unprepared.

It was love almost as soon as I entered the café. The lighting is sort of dim without being too dark. There are outlets everywhere for plugging in laptops and such. The table Zane and I sat at was perfect. It was pushed flat against a wall so only two people could sit at the table side by side, and there were no tables behind it since it was in a corner essentially. For me it was perfect. Exactly what I was looking for.

Zane got an Oreo milkshake while I got a Honey Bee tea, which was essentially regular tea sweetened with honey instead of sugar or artificial sweeteners. We shared a toasted sandwich which came with veggie fries. I have never had those before, but I really enjoyed them. I also had a glass of water with it since I only had one glass before breakfast, and I’m sure I cried all of that out of my system and then some on the way to the Oriental market.

It was nice and cool inside and though there were a handful of people there, the overall atmosphere was so relaxing and peaceful. I could feel all of the tension melting away.

I was exhausted from being out and about, the fighting over the past three days, not sleeping well, and working out. For some reason none of that mattered while we were sitting in the shop. There was nothing wrong as I sipped my tea and nibbled on yellow, orange, and green sticks.

We ended up sitting in the café for a while after we had finished eating and talked about D&D stuff for a bit. When we came back to the apartment I cross-stitched while listening to more of Dragonquest. I opted to not participate in the Pathfinder game tonight and instead slept until roughly 7:30.

When I woke up I organized the fridge so everyone could still get to their stuff and began prepping the food for cooking tomorrow. So all of the veggies are cut up and in their own individual containers. All that needs to happen now is to add them to the skillet to cook. Easy-peasy. In theory at least.

I finished my homework assignment after eating dinner. I feel I will do pretty alright on it. Maybe not a 100, but an A. I also replied to the discussion post so that’s completely done.

I work tomorrow 1pm to 9pm. There isn’t a class I want to go to at the gym, so maybe I’ll go running again. The treadmill this time might be good to avoid agitating my legs. At the moment they don’t hurt. Not a shin split pain to be found.

So yeah, running around 9ish. Come home, have breakfast, shower, prepare for the day. Hopefully I remember to pack lunch, because if not that would suck. I’ll have a new online class to acclimate to. Lots of “new” tomorrow.

I don’t really have it in me to write about anything else.

Daily Post 002: Friday Fail

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Lab just ended. Another month over. I’m glad. I want to be done with it. I want it to be December. Which is sort of sad. I normally don’t get along very well with December even though it’s my birth month. There’s Christmas and the New Year and holiday vacation and all these other reasons which most people look forward to, but I usually don’t.

I enjoy seeing my family. I enjoy the vacation. But the winter season isn’t something I look forward to. And so it’s odd that I want the month to be here already. And I want it simply for the fact that I plan to taking the whole month off.

Which, I realized the other day that I have had a mini-vacation already. The time I was supposed to have off for Mother Earth’s wedding. I still took that time away from work. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that when I was having the conversation with Zane.

Anyway. Next month is 1pm to 9pm. Monday I plan to talk to Clavan about having Saturdays off. I’ve already talked to Frank and he supported my decision. He said he would be fine running those labs on his own, and that I deserved to have two full days away from work.

The testing center still hasn’t gotten back to me with answers to my questions. That’s frustrating. So I guess I’ll have to look into that on Monday as well. Zane has one last meeting thing he needs to do, which will be either Tuesday or Thursday. I don’t think he’s set a date yet.

Friday started off well enough. I went to yoga again and enjoyed it. My core was super sore, but the stretching helps, and I can feel my legs loosening. My whole body really.

I didn’t have a lot of time after the gym. I needed to shower and I wanted to go to the bank and the gas station, and doing all of that didn’t leave much time to get to the sports bar for lunch. Because I didn’t want to be rushed I opted to skip out on my routine lunch and took care of the other things instead.

I got the money order for rent this month. Two of my games sold on eBay, which was an extra $100. I wish they had sold for more. I let Trevor and Zane take care of everything in that regard because 1) Trevor has eBay all set up and 2) I thought they would ask for fair prices.

One of the collectors editions sold for $30. The book alone was worth that much, if not more. And what I sold was the entire box in pretty awesome condition. It shouldn’t have sold for anything less than $50.

There’s a part of me who’s frustrated. If I had known it was going to sell for so little, I wouldn’t have let them mess with it. In a way I feel betrayed even though the logic side of me says that I don’t really have a right to. I didn’t tell them a price range. I just assumed, and so now I look like an ass for being upset. They only did what I wanted them to do.

The other game sold for $70, which is pretty alright in my book. Not super fantastic, but decent.

There’s not much I can do about it now, and that is $100 that Zane and I didn’t have before. I wish I could get over the frustration of it. Either way, I got the money order for rent with the deduction factored into it. After that I went ot the gas station where I finally put air into my tires.

I’ve gone through the process before. I shouldn’t be intimidated by the thought of doing it. I shouldn’t feel this aversion to such a simple task. But I do. Thinking about having to do pretty much anything with the car other than starting it makes my arms feel as if they have steel bars in them. Movement is hard, almost impossible. There’s so much resistance to overcome, and all I can think of is what if I do something silly? Then everyone will think I’m “that chick” who can’t take care of her car, who doesn’t know anything and has to have other people do it for her.

I don’t know why there is so much anxiety for me when it comes to mechanical things, but there is, and I’ve been driving around in my car with the low tire pressure light on for about three weeks now.

Screw you, Yellow Warning Light. You’re not the boss of me.

Well… going two weeks and only driving about 170 miles, but using all of my gas… that sucked…

Fine… I’ll put air in the stupid tires… /sulks because that’s better than hyperventilating

It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The gas station I went to had a fairly new machine. You set a digital display to the psi you want and then attach the nozzle to the tire. The machine fills the tire, checking the pressure every so often, and then beeps at you to let you know when the tire is full.

My tires are now A ok. Pretty painless and I didn’t have to ask anyone for help. All I had to do was read some labels on the machine and feed it a dollar.

Once I took care of the tires and filled up the gas tank I went to work. I cleaned out my email spam and trash folders. I cleaned up my desktop and downloads folder. I transferred a bunch of stuff to Dropbox, and went through most of my folders on there as well. Then I set my trashcan to empty so my computer would be squeaky clean.

I set up my calendar for the coming month. I took at look at my mom’s resume since she’s looking to apply to hospitals in Vegas once she moves there. I critiqued Huston’s demo reel since he’s graduating at the end of the month and wanted me to take a look at his work. I paid bills. I worked on my homework since I got feedback from my instructor.

I was a pretty awesome badass during those four hours.

Since I’ve had a few commission requests I bought MacStitch, which is software for creating custom cross stitch patterns. That’s a bit of a story actually. Clavan gave me money for the software about a year ago as a way to kick start my endevours to create an Etsy store. That was while I was living with Jarrett. That month Jarrett ended up not having enough money to cover his half of the rent, so I ended up using the money from Clavan to make ends meet. And I’ve never gone back and purchased the software because other things kept getting in the way.

Well… I don’t know if it was the “right” choice financially, but I bought the software, along with the lifetime updates, so that was roughly $80. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. I used the software tonight to figure out the backstitch lettering on my new project and it was so much easier and faster than using Photoshop. I think it will be a positive thing to have, but right now I’m holding my breath on it, waiting to se if it comes back to bite me.

After lab ended I packed up and headed out to the craft store. I needed to buy mounting board for the next few projects I have planned out. The mounting board makes it easier to frame the stitchings once they’re completed. So that was a bit of a trip, if only because it was rush hour on a Friday afternoon.

I made it home a little after 6pm. In the middle of torrential rain might I add.

Zane and I had plans. Since I had opted out of my sports bar for lunch we were going to go out to Pitta Pit for dinner, and then since we were so close to down town Winter Park, we were going to go to a Haagen Dazs shop for ice cream.

The dinner was fantastic. The conversation was wonderful, even with the weather being icky. By the time we were done eating the rain had stopped. We weren’t going to be able to leave the car in the parking lot since there was a 30 minute limit on parking, and that’s were things started getting dicey.

I’ve never been to Park Avenue, so I didn’t really know where we were going, which isn’t cool in my book. It makes me edgy. Zane knew where we were and directed me to where there should have been public parking, only all of the spots were taken. We circled around a few times, almost getting hit once, which didn’t help my level of frustration. We ended up going to the train station and parking there.

We sat in the car, him hugging me, for a few minutes. The streets looked busy, crowed. Of course it would be though. It’s a Friday night. Everyone wants to go out and do something.

Once I was settled a bit from the driving we got out of the car and started walking back towards the main streets. We passed by a fountain which was gorgeous, and I mentioned it to Zane.

Zane: Oh, yeah. This is the park that Nic and I went to.

Awesome… so now I feel like I’m intruding on a special place for you. This is Nic’s spot. I shouldn’t be here.

I mentioned how I felt. But Zane said it was fine. As long as we didn’t walk around the park talking for hours, it wouldn’t be encroaching on Nic. I still didn’t feel ok though. The further into down town we went, the more I wanted to go home.

We made it to the ice cream shop. Haagen Dazs cookie dough ice cream has crack cocaine in it. Best ice cream ever. I wasn’t able to finish all of mine. I got the smallest size in a waffle bowl and still had to have Zane finish it off for me.

We had a bit of a spat before we left.

The other week while we were doing grocery shopping there was a special on Talenti ice cream, so we got two. One for him and one for me. I hadn’t liked mine all that much, so Zane ate most of it instead. When we went out to the grocery store on Wednesday the deal was still going on, so we got two different flavors. Mint and a raspberry.

I guess Zane doesn’t care for either of those flavors.

While we were at Haagen Dazs he noticed that they had his ultimate, uber, bestest flavor ever, flavor. He wanted to get a pint of it to take home. When I wasn’t all that enthused about it he said he had thought that was why we had come to the shop in the first place. To get flavors we couldn’t get at the normal grocery store.

In my head I was thinking about the dinner I had already paid for and the two ice cream cones we had eaten, and the ice cream we still had at home. I also started thinking about how all of this ice cream stuff isn’t really lining up with wanting to lose weight.

We talked for a while about it. There wasn’t really a way to win, though. I could either buy the ice cream and feel bad about spending the money, or I could not buy it and feel bad because I would be disappointing Zane.

I could buy the ice cream and have Zane feel bad that I was spending more money. Or I could not buy it and he could not have ice cream at home, while I have two containers that will most likely last for the next forever because I really don’t eat sweets all that much, despite that my recent posts have been saying.

Like… there was just no way for both of us to be ok with the situation.

So we got the ice cream.

He said he had felt like he didn’t have a choice when we were at the store on Wednesday. That I had just picked out two flavors. I felt that wasn’t fair. Every other time we have gone, he has picked out what he wanted. He let me know if he didn’t like something or not. Then all of a sudden he doesn’t do that. WTF dude?

I’m still bothered by it I guess.

That wasn’t the thing that made the night so awful, though. It was while we were driving back home.

He mentioned something about needing help with an eyebrow hair. He said since I have nails it would be easier for me to get it. I asked what if I hurt him? I’ve had to pluck my own eyebrows, and I know that sometimes it sucks. I guess I was looking for reassurance that he wouldn’t get upset at me.

Instead he said I wouldn’t hurt him. I asked, ok, but what if I do? We went back and forth on that for a few minutes with me asking him to just entertain the idea. Instead he got frustrated with me. To the point that he didn’t wait for me to get out of the car before walking to the apartment. There was so much distance between us.

When we got inside he want to the room and started typing on his laptop. He had mentioned earlier wanting to write down story ideas for some things he wants to write. I poked around trying to find my tweezers, but couldn’t. I honestly have no idea where they are, which is something else to add to my to-do list I suppose.

With that mission failed for the moment, I sat in the computer chair in front of my desk for about 30 seconds. Zane kept typing away. I asked if the eyebrow thing would happen later. His reply was he had already take care of it.

That was it.

I felt dismissed. I felt like a failure. I had tried to make last night a good night and this was how it was going to end. I said ok and went to the living room where I fell asleep. I didn’t want to be in the room.

At 5 I woke up. I didn’t want to feel alone. I didn’t want to be alone. So I went back to the room. Zane didn’t wake up. If he did he didn’t show it. I ended up falling asleep eventually, but it was hard to sleep next to him with so much discord inside myself.

I don’t remember waking up again until noon. I had awful dreams. In one of them my room was infested with spiders. Big spiders, like banana spiders with long thin bodies with long legs. The were colored like black widows, though. Dark, menacing black with red marks that were bright.

I was on my bed, curled up on my side and one of them fell on me. I wanted to freak out so much, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to move and have it bite me. They were super poisonous. I had to wait. I had to let it crawl on me until it move to the blanket where I could kill it. But when I did I couldn’t find the body. I didn’t know where it went.

They were all over the ceiling. There was a nest there and I knew there were more inside it. I went to the living room where there was a can on bug spray, but I couldn’t find the name of the spiders on there. I didn’t know if it would work on them. I took it back to the room anyway and sprayed it on the nest. Spiders came pouring out. They would twitch and then fall to the floor, but I didn’t know if they were dead or not. I kept spraying the new spiders as the came out, trying to kill them. I couldn’t let them get to the doorframe. They were only in my room and I couldn’t let them get into the rest of the house.

That’s all I remember about that one.

There was another dream where I was an investigator and I had a partner with me. We were investigating a house that either Randy or Jarrett owned. I don’t know why it’s unclear about who it was, but it was one of them.

My partner told me there was something strange about the house. How anyone who got close to it always had to turn back. There was something that kept them from getting close, some force.

When we got to a certain point I could feel it. Theis feeling of foreboding. I didn’t want to go further, but I did. I could see where there were stumps along the front of the house. I knew that there had been rose bushes there. Beautiful bushes, but that Randy/Jarrett had destroyed them. Burned them. Killed them. And that was part of the foreboding feeling. The roses had been murdered and their death left the house tainted.

I don’t remember anything further with that dream.

I woke up not ok.

I woke up with the broken pieces of yesterday. I woke up feeling like the day was pointless and ruined before it even began. I didn’t wake up early enough for kickboxing and there was no way to recover that. There wasn’t a second class that I could go to.

Zane was fine. He said he had been really upset with me, but that it was in the past and that today was going to be a good day.

No. It wasn’t. Today was going to be awful because no matter what I do there’s always something that screws it up. There’s no point in trying to have a good day because somewhere along the way I’m going to do something, so I’m just not going to try.

Needless to say, this morning sucked. Zane wouldn’t let me stay in bed and kept poking at me. To his credit he didn’t give me a hard time or question why I was angry when he told me to get out of bed. He kept wiping away my tears, which was also frustrating. I wanted him to go away. I wanted him to leave me alone and he wouldn’t.

Me: Why are you doing that?
Zane: Because it’s my job
Me: It’s just water.
Zane: It’s not just water.
Me: What? It’s salty water?
Zane: Well, actually, on a biological level. Yes

I wanted to stab him so hard, but at the same time I couldn’t help but give a frustrated smile.

I don’t know why I ended up starting to feel better. But I did. We went out for lunch. We went to a Mexican market for part of our groceries. We went to a smoke shop to get coals and more mint shisha because we were out.

In about an hour I dropped another $100. On top of the software I bought the previous day. On top of the failed date night.

None of it made me feel better. In fact, it did the opposite.

I had a depressed nap on the couch for a bit. When I woke up I went back to the room. I told Zane that I wasn’t ok. That I felt unclean on the inside. That I felt like I was trapped in my own skin and that I wanted to claw it off. At the moment I didn’t like being me.

I ended up running. The first time in about a month. I ran outside because I didn’t want to be around anyone. It felt good to sweat that intensely. After eating so much junk, and not drinking any water, it felt good, like I was getting ride of the toxic mess inside myself. My run time wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be either, so there was that.

Zane was in the middle of doing the laundry when I got back home.

I felt better in a physical since. I didn’t feel as unclean as I had before. But I’m still unsettled, more now that I’ve written than before. Most likely because I’m bring up emotions and memories that I haven’t come to terms with yet.

I’m not ok with Friday night. And that’s factored into all of today. I’ve let myself not enjoy today. I don’t want to eat as a way to get back at myself for eating the ice cream Friday night, and the fries earlier today. And I know that’s the stupidest thing I could do to myself. That’s just going to slow my metabolism down as my body goes into starvation mode.

I want to be hugged and at the same time I want to be angry. Wasn’t getting dinner and dessert enough? And why couldn’t we have a hypothetical conversation where in another universe, because it couldn’t happen in this one, it did hurt when I plucked the eyebrow hair?

Why did Friday night have to suck so much? Why did I have to feel alone?

Why do I still feel alone? And why can’t I pick an emotion and stick with it? Why do I have to swing between sad and angry?

This past week has been so good in relation to everything else. And now I’m back to feeling like I can’t do anything right. It’s beyond annoying. It sucks. It sucks a lot. And what makes it worse is that I don’t know how to fix it because I honestly don’t know what’s wrong.

Daily Post 001: Starting Over

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I’ve decided to restart my counter on my blog posts.

Originally I was going to wait until the New Year, but I feel this is more appropriate. I will restart my count each year to mark my blog’s birthday. Which… by the way… Happy birthday, Blog. /hugs computer

I am still aware of the realness that a year has passed already, but it’s not as heavy as it was yesterday.

Today has been productive, relaxing, and long.

I woke up around 9:30, I think. I honestly don’t remember. I poked around at my computer for a bit before going to yoga at 11. The instructor asked if there were any requests, so I mentioned hamstrings. Mine were still super sore from the class two days ago.

She asked if I wanted stretching or strength. In my head I wanted stretching, what came out of my mouth was a confident, “Strength.”

Omg >.< Can I stab myself? Why? What on Earth made me say strength when I could barely walk out to my car to drive to the gym in the first place. That’s how sore my legs were already… I didn’t even walk to the gym that’s literally 5 minutes from my apartment, and I want to do strength? I’m going to die.

It ended up being an amazing class. Another really intense sweat. Another round of back cracking into better alignment, and surprisingly my legs felt great afterwards. I’m still feeling good from the workout. I can feel my metabolism picking back up. My body is running a bit warmer than it has this past month. It’s a good feeling.

I came back to the apartment afterwards and stitched for a while. I had lunch. John and Zane kept coming out into the living room while I was trying to have my solitude. I mentioned to Zane that I felt spikey and agitated.

He mentioned that he wasn’t trying to kick me out, but maybe it would be good for me to get out of the apartment. Go somewhere like my sports bar, or work where I could get some alone time.

It was actually a pretty good idea, and one that I had thought of myself. I didn’t want to go to my sports bar though because the lunch specials would have been over, and that’s supposed to be a Friday thing.

I had grading to do anyway, so I ended up showering and going into work early.

I wasn’t able to meet with Marcus, so we’re going to arrange to meet another day.

Instead I went up to “my spot” and cross stitched a bit more before getting through over half of the grading. By then it was time to go to my actual lab where I got more stitching done. I’m over halfway through my current project. : 3

Lab wasn’t all that terribly busy, though I’m glad that it’s over.

After the lab I stuck around to finish off the grading and to poke at my blog a bit. I posted another of the projects I recently finished as well as my Facebook post since I feel it is an important writing and I want to hold on to it.

Looking at my day it sort of feels like I didn’t do all that much, but at the same time I did… I guess it’s because the things I did do took more time. So instead of having a billion little tasks, I have a handful of “heavier” tasks.

I’m still at work. It’s a bit late, but I wanted to create tomorrow’s to-do list before going home where I most likely wouldn’t do it. Same with doing all of my blog stuff. My computer was already set up and everything. If I had gone home my writing most likely wouldn’t have happened, and then I would have felt like a slacker… Not cool when the rest of my day has gone so well.

The only things left on my list for today are to go home, shower, and eat while watching another episode of Sherlock with Zane.

Tomorrow is a bit of a day. Lots of stuff I want to get done, but it’s a payday, and a Friday, so that’s sort of typical.

Well… I’m hungry, and I don’t have much else to write about, so I’m going to go so I can get back to my relaxation.

Musing Moment 0059: I’m Not Alone And Neither Are You

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This was the post I made to my Facebook account last Friday. I feel it deserves to be on my blog as well, so here it is. I have left it unaltered, another coffee stained page folded and tucked away for safe keeping.


Fair warning. This post is not for the faint of heart. I’m not writing this for sympathy or empathy. I’m not writing this for myself. This isn’t a cry for help, and I honestly don’t want comments on it.

This post is meant for very specific people. They will know who they are. I don’t want their message tarnished with comments aimed at me. This isn’t for me. This is for them, because they’re worth it and deserve to know that.

These past four-ish months have been extremely hard for me. To the point that there have been two instances where I seriously contemplated suicide because things became so dark, cold, and hopeless that I honestly didn’t know how I could wake up the next day. I didn’t know how I could walk out to my car, drive to work, sit for four hours pretending that I was ok when inside the only thing I could think of was how much I hurt. How the only thing in the world I wanted was for that pain to end in whatever way that meant.

I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to keep going. Breathing, something which should be an unconscious action, took so much energy that it didn’t feel worth it. It would be so much easier to just not wake up.

I’m not writing this for people to think I need intervention. I don’t need help. I don’t need to be put into a padded cell and watched over.

What I need is for the other people, the ones who are quiet and wondering themselves how they’re going to keep going on, wondering how they’re going to keep breathing, to know that it is worth it. It’s worth the struggle.

There are people out there who care and love you and understand the pain you feel inside. The pain that feels as if you are bleeding out even though there’s no physical wound. There are people who understand how sometimes the thoughts of self-harm are all consuming because the hurt is so intense there becomes a compulsive need to manifest that pain.

I am not the only person to have experienced these emotions. I am not alone. I am not the only person to feel sadness, hopelessness, despair, and depression, even though during those horribly long, lonely hours the only thing I could think of was that I was alone.

But I’m not alone. And neither are you.

I want to reach out, publicly, and let anyone fighting their own fight to know that it’s ok. That it will be ok. The journey right now might seriously suck, and it might seem like the darkness will never end. But I promise it will. Sunlight does come back, and eventually the coldness slowly melts away and the pain stops and the wounds heal.

I’m writing this to let those people know that they’re not alone because sometimes that’s the only thing you need to know. Sometimes that one thing, having just one person reach out and say that they have felt what you feel, makes it worth continuing the fight.

You’re not alone, and you are loved. Keep fighting the good fight because you’re a badass. You got this. Give Life a giant middle finger and tell it to fuck off because no matter how hard it tries, it can’t keep you down. Prove it wrong. Show it that you’re strong. That you’re amazing. That you’re fantastic, and awesome and that you won’t be denied the happiness you deserve to feel.

You’re not fighting alone. I’m fighting with you, and together we’ll come out victorious.

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