Lab just ended. Another month over. I’m glad. I want to be done with it. I want it to be December. Which is sort of sad. I normally don’t get along very well with December even though it’s my birth month. There’s Christmas and the New Year and holiday vacation and all these other reasons which most people look forward to, but I usually don’t.
I enjoy seeing my family. I enjoy the vacation. But the winter season isn’t something I look forward to. And so it’s odd that I want the month to be here already. And I want it simply for the fact that I plan to taking the whole month off.
Which, I realized the other day that I have had a mini-vacation already. The time I was supposed to have off for Mother Earth’s wedding. I still took that time away from work. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that when I was having the conversation with Zane.
Anyway. Next month is 1pm to 9pm. Monday I plan to talk to Clavan about having Saturdays off. I’ve already talked to Frank and he supported my decision. He said he would be fine running those labs on his own, and that I deserved to have two full days away from work.
The testing center still hasn’t gotten back to me with answers to my questions. That’s frustrating. So I guess I’ll have to look into that on Monday as well. Zane has one last meeting thing he needs to do, which will be either Tuesday or Thursday. I don’t think he’s set a date yet.
Friday started off well enough. I went to yoga again and enjoyed it. My core was super sore, but the stretching helps, and I can feel my legs loosening. My whole body really.
I didn’t have a lot of time after the gym. I needed to shower and I wanted to go to the bank and the gas station, and doing all of that didn’t leave much time to get to the sports bar for lunch. Because I didn’t want to be rushed I opted to skip out on my routine lunch and took care of the other things instead.
I got the money order for rent this month. Two of my games sold on eBay, which was an extra $100. I wish they had sold for more. I let Trevor and Zane take care of everything in that regard because 1) Trevor has eBay all set up and 2) I thought they would ask for fair prices.
One of the collectors editions sold for $30. The book alone was worth that much, if not more. And what I sold was the entire box in pretty awesome condition. It shouldn’t have sold for anything less than $50.
There’s a part of me who’s frustrated. If I had known it was going to sell for so little, I wouldn’t have let them mess with it. In a way I feel betrayed even though the logic side of me says that I don’t really have a right to. I didn’t tell them a price range. I just assumed, and so now I look like an ass for being upset. They only did what I wanted them to do.
The other game sold for $70, which is pretty alright in my book. Not super fantastic, but decent.
There’s not much I can do about it now, and that is $100 that Zane and I didn’t have before. I wish I could get over the frustration of it. Either way, I got the money order for rent with the deduction factored into it. After that I went ot the gas station where I finally put air into my tires.
I’ve gone through the process before. I shouldn’t be intimidated by the thought of doing it. I shouldn’t feel this aversion to such a simple task. But I do. Thinking about having to do pretty much anything with the car other than starting it makes my arms feel as if they have steel bars in them. Movement is hard, almost impossible. There’s so much resistance to overcome, and all I can think of is what if I do something silly? Then everyone will think I’m “that chick” who can’t take care of her car, who doesn’t know anything and has to have other people do it for her.
I don’t know why there is so much anxiety for me when it comes to mechanical things, but there is, and I’ve been driving around in my car with the low tire pressure light on for about three weeks now.
Screw you, Yellow Warning Light. You’re not the boss of me.
Well… going two weeks and only driving about 170 miles, but using all of my gas… that sucked…
Fine… I’ll put air in the stupid tires… /sulks because that’s better than hyperventilating
It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The gas station I went to had a fairly new machine. You set a digital display to the psi you want and then attach the nozzle to the tire. The machine fills the tire, checking the pressure every so often, and then beeps at you to let you know when the tire is full.
My tires are now A ok. Pretty painless and I didn’t have to ask anyone for help. All I had to do was read some labels on the machine and feed it a dollar.
Once I took care of the tires and filled up the gas tank I went to work. I cleaned out my email spam and trash folders. I cleaned up my desktop and downloads folder. I transferred a bunch of stuff to Dropbox, and went through most of my folders on there as well. Then I set my trashcan to empty so my computer would be squeaky clean.
I set up my calendar for the coming month. I took at look at my mom’s resume since she’s looking to apply to hospitals in Vegas once she moves there. I critiqued Huston’s demo reel since he’s graduating at the end of the month and wanted me to take a look at his work. I paid bills. I worked on my homework since I got feedback from my instructor.
I was a pretty awesome badass during those four hours.
Since I’ve had a few commission requests I bought MacStitch, which is software for creating custom cross stitch patterns. That’s a bit of a story actually. Clavan gave me money for the software about a year ago as a way to kick start my endevours to create an Etsy store. That was while I was living with Jarrett. That month Jarrett ended up not having enough money to cover his half of the rent, so I ended up using the money from Clavan to make ends meet. And I’ve never gone back and purchased the software because other things kept getting in the way.
Well… I don’t know if it was the “right” choice financially, but I bought the software, along with the lifetime updates, so that was roughly $80. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet. I used the software tonight to figure out the backstitch lettering on my new project and it was so much easier and faster than using Photoshop. I think it will be a positive thing to have, but right now I’m holding my breath on it, waiting to se if it comes back to bite me.
After lab ended I packed up and headed out to the craft store. I needed to buy mounting board for the next few projects I have planned out. The mounting board makes it easier to frame the stitchings once they’re completed. So that was a bit of a trip, if only because it was rush hour on a Friday afternoon.
I made it home a little after 6pm. In the middle of torrential rain might I add.
Zane and I had plans. Since I had opted out of my sports bar for lunch we were going to go out to Pitta Pit for dinner, and then since we were so close to down town Winter Park, we were going to go to a Haagen Dazs shop for ice cream.
The dinner was fantastic. The conversation was wonderful, even with the weather being icky. By the time we were done eating the rain had stopped. We weren’t going to be able to leave the car in the parking lot since there was a 30 minute limit on parking, and that’s were things started getting dicey.
I’ve never been to Park Avenue, so I didn’t really know where we were going, which isn’t cool in my book. It makes me edgy. Zane knew where we were and directed me to where there should have been public parking, only all of the spots were taken. We circled around a few times, almost getting hit once, which didn’t help my level of frustration. We ended up going to the train station and parking there.
We sat in the car, him hugging me, for a few minutes. The streets looked busy, crowed. Of course it would be though. It’s a Friday night. Everyone wants to go out and do something.
Once I was settled a bit from the driving we got out of the car and started walking back towards the main streets. We passed by a fountain which was gorgeous, and I mentioned it to Zane.
Zane: Oh, yeah. This is the park that Nic and I went to.
Awesome… so now I feel like I’m intruding on a special place for you. This is Nic’s spot. I shouldn’t be here.
I mentioned how I felt. But Zane said it was fine. As long as we didn’t walk around the park talking for hours, it wouldn’t be encroaching on Nic. I still didn’t feel ok though. The further into down town we went, the more I wanted to go home.
We made it to the ice cream shop. Haagen Dazs cookie dough ice cream has crack cocaine in it. Best ice cream ever. I wasn’t able to finish all of mine. I got the smallest size in a waffle bowl and still had to have Zane finish it off for me.
We had a bit of a spat before we left.
The other week while we were doing grocery shopping there was a special on Talenti ice cream, so we got two. One for him and one for me. I hadn’t liked mine all that much, so Zane ate most of it instead. When we went out to the grocery store on Wednesday the deal was still going on, so we got two different flavors. Mint and a raspberry.
I guess Zane doesn’t care for either of those flavors.
While we were at Haagen Dazs he noticed that they had his ultimate, uber, bestest flavor ever, flavor. He wanted to get a pint of it to take home. When I wasn’t all that enthused about it he said he had thought that was why we had come to the shop in the first place. To get flavors we couldn’t get at the normal grocery store.
In my head I was thinking about the dinner I had already paid for and the two ice cream cones we had eaten, and the ice cream we still had at home. I also started thinking about how all of this ice cream stuff isn’t really lining up with wanting to lose weight.
We talked for a while about it. There wasn’t really a way to win, though. I could either buy the ice cream and feel bad about spending the money, or I could not buy it and feel bad because I would be disappointing Zane.
I could buy the ice cream and have Zane feel bad that I was spending more money. Or I could not buy it and he could not have ice cream at home, while I have two containers that will most likely last for the next forever because I really don’t eat sweets all that much, despite that my recent posts have been saying.
Like… there was just no way for both of us to be ok with the situation.
So we got the ice cream.
He said he had felt like he didn’t have a choice when we were at the store on Wednesday. That I had just picked out two flavors. I felt that wasn’t fair. Every other time we have gone, he has picked out what he wanted. He let me know if he didn’t like something or not. Then all of a sudden he doesn’t do that. WTF dude?
I’m still bothered by it I guess.
That wasn’t the thing that made the night so awful, though. It was while we were driving back home.
He mentioned something about needing help with an eyebrow hair. He said since I have nails it would be easier for me to get it. I asked what if I hurt him? I’ve had to pluck my own eyebrows, and I know that sometimes it sucks. I guess I was looking for reassurance that he wouldn’t get upset at me.
Instead he said I wouldn’t hurt him. I asked, ok, but what if I do? We went back and forth on that for a few minutes with me asking him to just entertain the idea. Instead he got frustrated with me. To the point that he didn’t wait for me to get out of the car before walking to the apartment. There was so much distance between us.
When we got inside he want to the room and started typing on his laptop. He had mentioned earlier wanting to write down story ideas for some things he wants to write. I poked around trying to find my tweezers, but couldn’t. I honestly have no idea where they are, which is something else to add to my to-do list I suppose.
With that mission failed for the moment, I sat in the computer chair in front of my desk for about 30 seconds. Zane kept typing away. I asked if the eyebrow thing would happen later. His reply was he had already take care of it.
That was it.
I felt dismissed. I felt like a failure. I had tried to make last night a good night and this was how it was going to end. I said ok and went to the living room where I fell asleep. I didn’t want to be in the room.
At 5 I woke up. I didn’t want to feel alone. I didn’t want to be alone. So I went back to the room. Zane didn’t wake up. If he did he didn’t show it. I ended up falling asleep eventually, but it was hard to sleep next to him with so much discord inside myself.
I don’t remember waking up again until noon. I had awful dreams. In one of them my room was infested with spiders. Big spiders, like banana spiders with long thin bodies with long legs. The were colored like black widows, though. Dark, menacing black with red marks that were bright.
I was on my bed, curled up on my side and one of them fell on me. I wanted to freak out so much, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to move and have it bite me. They were super poisonous. I had to wait. I had to let it crawl on me until it move to the blanket where I could kill it. But when I did I couldn’t find the body. I didn’t know where it went.
They were all over the ceiling. There was a nest there and I knew there were more inside it. I went to the living room where there was a can on bug spray, but I couldn’t find the name of the spiders on there. I didn’t know if it would work on them. I took it back to the room anyway and sprayed it on the nest. Spiders came pouring out. They would twitch and then fall to the floor, but I didn’t know if they were dead or not. I kept spraying the new spiders as the came out, trying to kill them. I couldn’t let them get to the doorframe. They were only in my room and I couldn’t let them get into the rest of the house.
That’s all I remember about that one.
There was another dream where I was an investigator and I had a partner with me. We were investigating a house that either Randy or Jarrett owned. I don’t know why it’s unclear about who it was, but it was one of them.
My partner told me there was something strange about the house. How anyone who got close to it always had to turn back. There was something that kept them from getting close, some force.
When we got to a certain point I could feel it. Theis feeling of foreboding. I didn’t want to go further, but I did. I could see where there were stumps along the front of the house. I knew that there had been rose bushes there. Beautiful bushes, but that Randy/Jarrett had destroyed them. Burned them. Killed them. And that was part of the foreboding feeling. The roses had been murdered and their death left the house tainted.
I don’t remember anything further with that dream.
I woke up not ok.
I woke up with the broken pieces of yesterday. I woke up feeling like the day was pointless and ruined before it even began. I didn’t wake up early enough for kickboxing and there was no way to recover that. There wasn’t a second class that I could go to.
Zane was fine. He said he had been really upset with me, but that it was in the past and that today was going to be a good day.
No. It wasn’t. Today was going to be awful because no matter what I do there’s always something that screws it up. There’s no point in trying to have a good day because somewhere along the way I’m going to do something, so I’m just not going to try.
Needless to say, this morning sucked. Zane wouldn’t let me stay in bed and kept poking at me. To his credit he didn’t give me a hard time or question why I was angry when he told me to get out of bed. He kept wiping away my tears, which was also frustrating. I wanted him to go away. I wanted him to leave me alone and he wouldn’t.
Me: Why are you doing that?
Zane: Because it’s my job
Me: It’s just water.
Zane: It’s not just water.
Me: What? It’s salty water?
Zane: Well, actually, on a biological level. Yes
I wanted to stab him so hard, but at the same time I couldn’t help but give a frustrated smile.
I don’t know why I ended up starting to feel better. But I did. We went out for lunch. We went to a Mexican market for part of our groceries. We went to a smoke shop to get coals and more mint shisha because we were out.
In about an hour I dropped another $100. On top of the software I bought the previous day. On top of the failed date night.
None of it made me feel better. In fact, it did the opposite.
I had a depressed nap on the couch for a bit. When I woke up I went back to the room. I told Zane that I wasn’t ok. That I felt unclean on the inside. That I felt like I was trapped in my own skin and that I wanted to claw it off. At the moment I didn’t like being me.
I ended up running. The first time in about a month. I ran outside because I didn’t want to be around anyone. It felt good to sweat that intensely. After eating so much junk, and not drinking any water, it felt good, like I was getting ride of the toxic mess inside myself. My run time wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be either, so there was that.
Zane was in the middle of doing the laundry when I got back home.
I felt better in a physical since. I didn’t feel as unclean as I had before. But I’m still unsettled, more now that I’ve written than before. Most likely because I’m bring up emotions and memories that I haven’t come to terms with yet.
I’m not ok with Friday night. And that’s factored into all of today. I’ve let myself not enjoy today. I don’t want to eat as a way to get back at myself for eating the ice cream Friday night, and the fries earlier today. And I know that’s the stupidest thing I could do to myself. That’s just going to slow my metabolism down as my body goes into starvation mode.
I want to be hugged and at the same time I want to be angry. Wasn’t getting dinner and dessert enough? And why couldn’t we have a hypothetical conversation where in another universe, because it couldn’t happen in this one, it did hurt when I plucked the eyebrow hair?
Why did Friday night have to suck so much? Why did I have to feel alone?
Why do I still feel alone? And why can’t I pick an emotion and stick with it? Why do I have to swing between sad and angry?
This past week has been so good in relation to everything else. And now I’m back to feeling like I can’t do anything right. It’s beyond annoying. It sucks. It sucks a lot. And what makes it worse is that I don’t know how to fix it because I honestly don’t know what’s wrong.