My brain is so fried. It’s another month where the students are pretty awesome. They engage a lot, but because of that I have literally gone the whole night without being able to check my email. Part of that is because Huston came into the lab and so we sat and talked through a few issues he was having with a script, which led to talking about theory and my overall workflow when approaching interface creation, which led to talking about his demo reel…. And three and a half hours later I haven’t gotten anything, ANYTHING, on my to-do list done…
And I’m so tapped out from the constant interaction that the things I had wanted to do seem to hard, so much effort, that I doubt I’ll be able to bring myself to do them. I’m tried. I don’t want to think. I want to feel productive, but at 12:30am there’s not enough time left in the day for that to happen.
I feel like today was a bust even though it wasn’t. And maybe I just need to write about it to remind myself that my day was more than these past three hours. My day is more than a piece of paper with scribbles on it, and those scribbles DO NOT have the power to make me feel bad because they’re just scribbles that I made. Me. Not the Universe. No one died (I hope) because I didn’t get around to scratching something off my list. And if you did die find someone else to haunt. I have enough going on without a ghost guilt tripping me…
INFJ shadow traits activate! : D
I guess I’ll start with recapping yesterday since I never got around to writing.
I had a fairly good morning with Zane. Ended up going to work where I wrote my blog and chipped away at my list. I looked into the forum moderator position. I like it and want to apply for it, so that led to me getting a base restructure for my resume created in Illustrator. That wasn’t on my list and took a bit of time, but I thought it was a good endeavor.
I went back to the distribution center to see about getting the other book. Apparently it’s not being carried any more. Awesome… what do now?
I went back to my computer and emailed my instructor to let her know about the issue and to see if there was something to supplement the reading material. Since I couldn’t do much of anything class related, because it’s all based on the reading, I went ahead and went home.
Bobby was over to help Zane with some stuff for the Patherfinder game. We played a few rounds of Coup while I had a snack. At 6:30 I went to the gym for kickboxing. The Wednesday class isn’t as intense as the other ones, so it was a nice medium type of workout.
When I got home I was supposed to cook dinner, which was when I realized that the chicken was still frozen and that the peppers we had bought had already done bad… not cool.
Instead of the red curry I was supposed to make we did personal pizzas. I enjoyed the way mine turned out. After eating I showered and actually went back to school to complete one of the assignments, at least partially.
The class I’m taking this month is Culture and Society. It’s pretty awesome so far, but then I’m a nerd and into stuff like this, so I’m eating it up while most everyone is probably going, “Why do I have to take this course?”
Instead of doing
lame normal posts to the discussion boards, I want to do video responses in the form of podcasts, which is why I wanted to go back to school. I didn’t feel comfortable trying to record at home with everyone up and doing their own thing. And I couldn’t do it at school earlier in the day for the same reasons. Which left going back to work at night when no one is there.
Alone time…? I’m totally ok with this plan!
I ended up having a lab to myself, which was fantastic. I got all of the recording I wanted to do done. Even more fantastic. I even got all of the video into After Effects and edited with music. Everything was spot on and perfect. And then I spent the next hour trying to figure out why my audio wasn’t syncing with my video properly after I exported my file into a movie format.
Shoot me in the face now…
I wasn’t able to figure it out, and at 1am, I was hungry, tired, and frustrated (like I am now) and wanted to go home. So I did.
Once I got back to the apartment I heated up food and sat back down at my computer in the kitchen, since Zane was asleep.
Screw you, Computer. I will win. I will break you. You will bend to my iron will and do as I say! Work, damn you. Work!
Nothing, absolutely nothing I tried worked, and all of the forums I found basically said the same thing. It’s a known issue with no solution. What the f…
Fine. Screw you, After Effects. I’m going to take my toys and go play with Final Cut Pro. Enjoy your cold, lonely, miserable existence in the neglected space of my hard drive. I hope you regret every part of that decision to not line up my audio correctly.
I was determined to complete my podcast that night. So I imported in everything all over again, set it up all over again, and rendered it out… yes… all over again… this time in Final Cut Pro.
It worked on the first time. Huzzah!
I uploaded the video to my Vimeo channel and embedded the link into the discussion board post, and posted, and at 3 in the morning labeled that endeavor as a success.
And passed out shortly afterwards.
I woke up at 7am. Zane had gotten up or something along those lines. I remember him mentioning a cup of water. After only four hours of sleep though there wasn’t a chance in hell that I was getting out of bed.
I woke up on my own around 9:30, which I was ok with. Zane and I cuddled for a while before we both got out of bed because breakfast sounded like an amazing idea.
I had gotten in touch with Grace to use her as a reference on my resume for the mod position. One of the things that was mentioned was how we still hadn’t had lunch together. So we made plans for this afternoon. I had also gotten a reply back from my teacher about the book issue. I have a .pdf version now so I can complete the assignments.
While Zane and I were eating we discussed what needed to happen during the day. I was going to do some of my reading, then go to lunch, which I estimated at around two hours. A trip to the store needed to happen for mushrooms and peppers, and then cooking dinner. I wasn’t 100% sure about the gym, digital painting would be nice, there was the resume to work on, and my certification… lets not forget all of the podcasting I wanted to get done.
WTB: 48 additional hours in a day. Offering: my soul.
For the most part the day went down how I wanted it to.
I got through most of the first chapter in my book. It’s an amazing book. Very fascinating and thought provoking. I’ll talk more about it later, but the big take away from this part of my day is I enjoyed my reading, Zane and I were able to chat about it for a while, and overall I didn’t feel like it was a waste of time or that I needed a second degree to understand what was being said like in my Copyright and Law class earlier in the year.
I showered then headed to lunch, which was also amazing. Grace and I got caught up on so many things. She talked about the job she just left and her current plans. I talked about moving out of Jeremy’s place and in with Zane. I explained the situation for the past two months and the depression I had been experiencing, along with the up swing we are on with the job lead. Which, since I’m on the topic of that, I’m nervous. There’s one week until the interview. It’s not even my interview and I want to bite my nails over it. Arg.
Anyway, we also talked about computers, and RAM, and Windows 10, freelance, personal projects, art challenges, kendo, aikido, general gym stuff, and work.
It was a great conversation and we ended up spending roughly 2 and a half hours together.
When we finally parted ways I stopped by the grocery store to pick up the items we needed for dinner. When I got back to the apartment I needed some time to recover from being so social, though.
Zane was watching Critical Roll on the computer, but stopped when I got home. I curled into bed and we spent about 30 minutes just breathing together. His head rested on top of mine, my back to his chest, the blanket covering my eyes so I didn’t have to see anything. Only sweet, sweet darkness.
It was really nice.
Eventually conversation slowly started, but it was so nice to experience silence with him. I know he doesn’t like staying still, so it meant a lot that he took the time to silently hold me.
I ended up getting up to finish my reading, which continued to be fascinating for me. At 7pm I went and started dinner. I had already decided that I wouldn’t go to the gym, and instead use the day as a recover day. Which “Rest Day” is written at the very top of my to-do list.
I knew that I could go run, but it felt like if I did then my legs would be completely shot for tomorrow, which is a kickboxing day, and a day I really want to go to the gym.
So instead I read, and cooked red curry, showered again because I wanted to, then came to work. Which is where things were crazy. So many questions, and interactions, and sharing inspiring, motivational stories. But no time to paint, or write, or check email, or anything really.
And on my to-do list, in big letters I have “Don’t be a jerk to yourself,” as my reminder to not talk negatively to myself. And I’m struggling so hard with that right now. I had wanted to be productive tonight, and to get through more of the things on my list. And I didn’t, and I don’t have the mental energy for it right now, and so those things aren’t going to get done. And it’s so hard to not feel like I fell short.
I got all of my reading done. I took amazing notes and I have a really solid idea for how I want to compose my response. And honestly I’m making these projects way more complicated than they need to be. I could just write a 250 word response and post it and be done with the assignment. But I’m so tired of doing that, and this is something I’m actually interested in. I want to ramble at the computer for a few minutes talking about the concepts I read about and sharing articles I’ve read and stories about some of my experiences.
I want to create something that I’m happy with, and writing a crappy post isn’t going to cut it for me. So really I’m doing this to myself, which isn’t anything new.
I got to spend time with a friend I haven’t seen in almost six months. And that was pretty ad hoc since it wasn’t until yesterday evening that we made plans. I mean, really, even though today wasn’t a crazy productive day, I did a lot of ground work for my assignments, and I made a worth while social investment. I also cooked, which took about an hour.
I wish it felt like that was enough. I wish I wasn’t sort of angry at myself for not painting, and I guess that’s where most of my strife comes from.
I hadn’t been able to do it yesterday. And I kicked myself for it then, too. But I realized today that I painted both Monday and Tuesday, so I was actually doing fairly well. One day off wasn’t that bad. As long as I got to paint today I would be alright.
But now it’s been two days and I still haven’t touched the dragon aside from base colors and minor shading on some of the fins. Arg. I can’t get better if I don’t do it. I also haven’t touched my certification book since I got the files on Monday. More not coolness….
How am I supposed to be ok with myself when I’m not doing the things I say I will? The things I say are important?
That’s what’s frustrating. I wanted to do the painting. That was what I was looking forward to, and it didn’t happen.
That doesn’t make me a failure. That doesn’t make me a bad person. But it makes me frustrated. With the day. With the class. With myself.
And honestly, I think a lot of that frustration has to do with the fact that I’m so tired that my eyes hurt, and I still have the task of having to drive home. Not only that, but the key box is messing up. There’s this whole system for checking out the keys for the lecture rooms, and I guess it’s messing up and so I have to call security to lock up the room for me, which means I have to wait for them and I have to make sure they sign something and blah, blah, blah…
I can’t just leave like I normally do.
Today wasn’t a bad day, I really enjoyed it, even the lab because I got to interact with really awesome people. I’m just tired, and grouchy, and frustrated, so I’m going to stop writing and get this whole process started so I can go home and sleep because that, I’m pretty sure, will fix everything.