Daily Post 0183: Alone Time Sunday

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I have come to the conclusion that for whatever reason my ‘late’ days are going to be hard this month. Yesterday was another day where I worked 9pm until 1am. It might have to do with how interactive the class is. How I do not have time to check my email, let alone do anything else that I ‘want’ to do.

My first priority is taking care of the class. I shouldn’t count on having down time, or personal time while I am at work. I guess I’ve been spoiled over my three years of working at the school. I’m used to, for the most part, having at least some of that time be to myself because the lab is where the students apply what they’ve learned during lecture. They’re supposed to be able to do the work on their own.

And even when they do not understand something, there are podcasts set up as supplemental material for when they need a concept refreshed, or when they are working on their own at home.

To be honest I’m more of a glorified baby sitter, making sure they stay on task. But this class is a bit bigger than normal for starters, so it isn’t unnatural for the question volume to be a bit higher than normal. But to literally have no time, at all, to myself is something new. Sometimes there are select days like that during a month. But I don’t think I’ve ever had a time where it has been this consistent. And it doesn’t look like it’s going to change.

So I’m left accepting the fact that my days for CRI1 are going to be rough, that I’m going to come home feeling mentally beat up, grouchy, overwhelmed, and in desperate need of a hug and darkness.

Maybe part of that has to do with the stress still going on with life. Zane’s interview is Thursday, so I’m freaking out over that, hoping that it goes well, because if it doesn’t I don’t know what we’re going to do. I still haven’t gotten my refund from U-Haul, so I’m looking at having to use the credit card for groceries so I can put the cash I’m supposed to use back into my account so my gym membership doesn’t overdraft me.

Maybe if the home life side of things were flawless I would be handling the demands of work better. But they’re not, so I have two fronts nagging at me.

I also have the personal side of things where I haven’t finished the resume I wanted to do. I still haven’t finished the dragon. And even though I only have two sections left to work through with my certification, I feel overwhemeld with my school work because that’s all due Monday night, and since today is ‘game day’ I don’t feel like I’m going to have any time to work on it before people start coming over.

Blah. Rawr. Arg. /flails

Ok…

Now that I have that out of my system…

Yesterday had it’s ups and downs. I went to kickboxing. Zane and I had a spat. We recovered from that. I took a pretty extensive nap due to being super tired and headachey. It rained for most of the day. It’s interesting how I seem to be getting headaches more and more often when it rains. Zane said it might be a pressure sensitivity, but since I don’t remember ever being like this growing up I’m not sure.

Anywho, after I woke up we talked about groceries. It’s looking like a $70ish trip. Since we got the razor heads last time that’s about all the money we have to put towards food, so I’m glad we’re a little under budget.

We spent a while talking about different random things. It felt like nice quality time. I worked on another section in my certification material. We spent another hour trying to figure out what we wanted to do for dinner. That was frustrating because it had to do with money.

We ended up going to Chick-fil-a so I could test the credit card. I’m always worried that it’s going to get denied, not that there’s any reason for it. But instead of being in a huge grocery line with tons of people behind me where everyone can see me being unable to pay, or something else as horrifyingly embarrassing, I decided checking it out on a small purchase would be the safer option.

So last night was date night. I hate that I used the card, but I’m glad that I know it works. As soon as I get the refund from the storage unit I will put money towards that charge. It still feels like sand paper against the inside of my skin though.

I don’t like that I used it. I don’t want the card to become a crutch, or a habit.

“Hey lets go out. We don’t have to use cash. We can use the card.”

That’s not what it’s for. It’s not for play. It’s for things like fixing cars that end up breaking down on you anyway so your left with $2000 worth of payments that you have to make on something you no longer have. At least that’s what my experience has been so far…

More rawr. : /

Anyway, we had a nice dinner where we got to talk about Pathfinder and nerdy stuff. It was nice getting out of the apartment for a little bit.

I went to school which was the disaster that it was. Not that it was really a disaster. I’m just being whiney.

I had wanted to get my resume restructured since I have all of the information for it. I even have an idea of how I want to structure things, it’s just finding time that lines up with motivation to do it.

At 12am after the lab is done is not a good time. I have no energy for anything, not even driving home. I have to sit and focus on breathing so my shoulders relax and creep back down to a normal position rather than being crazy stiff.

When I got home the sink was full of dishes again. While I was unloading the dishwasher Zane came up behind me and gave me a hug around my torso. I warped my arms around his, holding him to me, and let the overwhelming feeling, the anger, the frustration, all of it, I let it come to the surface instead of trying to control it.

He asked what was wrong, so I told him. I told him that I take care of the kitchen because it was part of the rent agreement. That I would pay less for taking care of the common areas, but currently I’m paying the most and still doing all of the cleaning, and how that sucks, but since technically my specific portion of the rent is still lower, I don’t feel like I have a right to say anything. I said how I was frustrated because I had the kitchen spotless before I left, so none of the dishes were mine. I said that part of the frustration was no one at least even rinsed their dishes after cooking so they’re always caked with stuff that takes way longer to clean than it should. And how at 1 in the morning, after working while everyone else has been able to enjoy their Saturday it sucked.

I said that part of the reason I enjoy cleaning is because it makes me feel useful. I take care of the dishes because I know how much it sucks having to clean up something before you can use it. So when I see dirty dishes in the sink it’s like second nature to clean it up, that way someone else doesn’t have to. I think it is considerate. I said that I don’t expect other people to do the cleaning, but sometimes, like on nights like last night, it would be really nice if other people were considerate of me.

He kept hugging me, resting his head on top of mine and said that I had valid points. That he had no excuse because he and Trevor hadn’t been doing anything all night and could have taken care of the kitchen, but didn’t.

He made me sit down on the couch while he loaded the dishwasher for me. I had already finished unloading it so it was empty. I had a few more minutes of silence, frustrated, overwhelmed, irrational, emotional tears while I was alone in the living room, but I felt better for it. Cleaner. The ickiness was gone.

When Zane came into the living room I talked about how I feel like I’m roller costarring with my emotions. He agreed. I’m not really sure where that leaves us. But at least we’re both on the same page, whatever page that happens to be.

Another frustration about yesterday is that Trevor did laundry, and again, had shit luck with the washers and driers. There was $14 on the card but since all the machines he kept using didn’t work there ended up being only $2.50 left, which isn’t enough to wash and dry a full load of cloths, so I currently have nothing to wear to the gym. That sucks hardcore because I wanted to go running today. Or at least do something.

But before I can do that I have to go to the Laundromat since the front office is closed on Sunday so we can’t put money on the card. /flails around more

Can’t things work normally? Just once? Please? No? Well F’ you too then. I didn’t need you to work anyway. I’ll find a different, better way to get shit taken care of. /gives Life a giant middle finger

After talking with Zane for a bit he started working on something on his laptop. I stayed on the couch and fell asleep for a little bit next to him. I did eventually wake up at which point I took Scarlet into the room with me and went to sleep for real.

I don’t remember falling asleep. I was out until Zane came into the room about an hour ago. He stayed up all night. Insomnia I guess. He wants to take a quick nap then get back up.

I have a rough idea of what I’m going to do today. Most of it is going to be spent alone, but since Zane and I spent time together yesterday and are going to be doing Pathfinder tonight, I don’t really feel bad about it.

I’m going to go out somewhere, Moe’s most likely, and have a wonderful lunch by myself where I work on my resume and get that completed. Afterwards I am going to go to the Laundromat where I will wash and dry our cloths and work through as much of a section in my certification as I can. It would be wonderful if I could get all the way through it. From there I will go to school.

I’m hoping that it’s actually open. Since it is a holiday weekend there is a chance that everything will be locked up. If it’s open I will complete all of the recording I need to do for my school assignments. After the adventure to school, regardless of it is successful or not, I will go to the grocery store to do the shopping that needs to get done.

I’m not sure what time it would be by then. The game is supposed to start at 6, so if I have time I will go to the gym and run.

Bobby won’t be able to come over until 8, and John isn’t in town, so he won’t be here at all. I suggested last night to Zane about rescheduling game night for a time during the week when everyone would be here. He said he would suggest it to Uke.

Not going to lie, part of me wants the game to be rescheduled. Ok… Not part. All of me. Like, I am willing the Universe to have the stars align and for the game to be called off. Then I could for sure go to the gym. I could spend the evening working on school work and have that completely done, rather than having to use part of my Monday to do it.

Because of the issue with the text book we all got an extension on the assignments, but I really don’t want to have to use it. I would rather stay on top of my work and not have things carry over into other weeks. Stuff like that is annoying and hard to juggle.

So yeah. I feel like today can still be a really good day. A productive day. A recovery day. I’m almost done with my coffee. Since it’s already 10, I’m not going to worry about breakfast. Instead I’ll shower and go straight to Moe’s and start chipping away at my list.

I think that will make me feel better about everything.

And because I haven’t in a while, here’s a song that’s been bouncing around in my head, and what will most likely end up being my theme song for today.

A New Dawn – Followed By Ghosts

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