I’ve been awake for a while now. Almost three hours at the time I’m starting this. I’ve had a bottle of water. I eventually ate because my body wouldn’t let me keep cross stitching otherwise. Talk about being a jerk… It’s not like I was doing something or anything…
Sunday was a good day. The game was a lot more fun that it has been in the past few sessions. More role-playing and such. Which sort of bothered me, because I thought it was a good game, while Zane was frustrated with it.
Can we never agree on something? Jeez.
Either way, I ended up going to sleep before the game ended since our character wasn’t involved in what was going on and I was passing out on the couch.
Something of interest to note. John mentioned that he may be moving out to live with his girlfriend. There’s a part of me who’s super excited about that since currently when I go to the fridge I’m baffled as to where I’m going to be able to put any of our food this week. There’s a lot of little things that John does that I find inconsiderate. His cats also like to attack Scarlet when I’m not around. The thought of Chinese food for dinner has crossed my mind more than once, and I refuse to feel bad about that.
I don’t like saying bad things about people, but the longer I’m around John the less I think of him. I feel like, aside from the financial issues between Zane and myself, the rest of the stress I feel in the apartment stems from John. Over half the living room is full of his stuff, which is why I had to get the storage unit to begin with. Over half the cabinets in the kitchen are again, filled with his stuff, most of which isn’t used. The whole reason we have the mini fridge is because he has so much alcohol which was being kept in the main fridge that there wasn’t space for food. And now that there’s space, he’s using almost all of it, so much so that Trevor, Danielle, Zane and I never know if there will be space enough for the groceries we buy.
It’s mildly frustrating. First world problems and all of that…
Still, if he leaves, all of that is solved. So there is a calculating part of me who is hoping in the next few weeks that actually happens. It would free up the master bedroom for either Trevor to take over, or for Zane and I to move into, which is what I’m really hoping for since Danielle doesn’t pay rent, but I do, and Zane will be once he starts getting paychecks.
There’s a handful of points which need to be brought up as far as the apartment goes, such as splitting rent evenly rather than having one person pay utilities and everyone else doing rent. Right now it isn’t set up to be fair. There’s a lot of things still up in the air though, so there’s not much point in bringing anything up now. We’ll see how it plays out. I do have a vision of how I want it to go though.
I was able to get my homework done Sunday, which was fun. I used the assignment as a way to finish fleshing out the elvish race Zane is going to be using for his next campaign. It’s still a few months off since we have Trevor’s game and Uke’s game going on. So many games. >.<;
My instructor is on vacation this week so I’m not sure when I’ll get my grade for the assignment, but I feel I did fairly well, and I think I went more in-depth than what she is normally used to.
Yesterday, Monday, was hard. I had a lot of dreams that I can’t clearly remember. I know one was about moving into the master bedroom and having it be smaller than the room Zane and I are currently in, so there was even less space for our things. There was another one. I know there was, but it’s so fuzzy that all I can remember is that it left me feeling unsettled. All of them did. So I woke up sort of iffy.
I spent most of the morning prepping food for dinner. Cutting up veggies, making oatmeal so there would be breakfast for the next few days, playing Tetris in the fridge…
When I was hungry I went to the bedroom to wake up Zane so we could have breakfast before I had to leave for work. We talked for a bit about the room and the news that John may be leaving.
Zane ended up checking his email. There was a message from the call center recruiter that he’s been talking with. They are increasing his offer so he’ll be making $30k a year. $14 an hour. That’s almost as much as me, and a full dollar more than the initial offer. That was fantastic news.
There were a few things he needed to do online, and a drug test we’re supposed to take him to today. But other than that, things are looking amazing. He mentioned how he couldn’t believe this and I told him that we deserve this. We’ve earned this.
That being said, I had a really rough go of it yesterday.
As the conversation tapered off I started staring into space letting my mind wander, and of course it couldn’t stay on happy topics. I started thinking about how things are looking up, so Zane will most likely become more social, and how since we are in a open, polyamours relationship that he will most likely begin to meet other people. Which led to me thinking about how he’ll find someone better, more emotionally stable since I’m a basket case right now. And it just sort of sucked from there.
If it’s not one thing, it’s another…
Can I please not have self worth issues right now? I would totally be ok with not having to deal with that at the moment…
I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel like I’m slacking off on the gym, eating healthily, and that my constant emotional swings annoy me, let alone the people around me. I don’t feel all that worth-while as a companion. I still feel sick and weak. Under normal conditions the thought of my partner being with someone else doesn’t bother me. But right now the thought brings up worries and feelings of inadequacy. Abandonment.
And that, that one word, hurts more than anything else. More than the thought of Zane never getting a job again. Even just thinking about it makes my chest tight in an irrational, instinctual response.
I hate thinking of myself as “a chick with daddy issues,” but when you boil everything down, I guess that’s what it is. My dad left. He lied. He did a lot of things that I still hold resentment over, which isn’t healthy or fair of me, but there you go.
My dad was human, and he made mistakes and I understand that. But there’s still that little girl inside me who is vulnerable and the thought of someone else leaving me, abandoning me, fills me with this terror that I don’t know how to control. Blind panic. It doesn’t help that some of my past relationships have done things to instigate those feelings.
The morning wasn’t all that bad. I eventually showered and went to work where I was able to get through most of the homework for this week. I only have the final assignment left, and even that I have all of, or at least a majority of, the information I needed to gather, so now I just need to make a travel brochure.
When I came home I ended up going to the bedroom and curling up in bed. Zane hugged me and wanted to know what was wrong, and I said that I just felt really sad. I wanted to be alone, and I think that had more to do with not having any real alone time for a while. I stayed in the room for a few hours cuddled up with Scarlet, but eventually I came out and cuddled with Zane on the couch.
He scooted over so I could lie next to him, his chest against my back while I hugged a pillow. We talked about what I felt. The “abandoned” word was mentioned. We talked about our dynamic. It hurt to talk about it. It hurt a lot to admit to those feelings and thoughts because they made me feel weak.
I hate how I feel like I’m weaker than what I was. I asked Zane if he thought I had changed, if he felt I was a different person than the one he had first talked to, or from when I first moved in.
He said no. He didn’t think I had changed, but that I was reacting to a stressful situation. I don’t feel like this is inherently who I am. I feel like I am in constant battle with the situation, but also with myself.
I’m still trying to figure out what to do about work. I keep thinking about leaving actually, but those are just fantasies about how good it would feel to throw quitting into the school’s face. I’m unhappy there and it’s feeding into the overall whole of everything. Something needs to change in that area, I just haven’t figured out what yet.
I fight with myself about the gym and eating. I know I should eat, but I don’t want to. And when I do eat I know I should eat better food, but I don’t care. I aught to go to the gym, but there are people, I’m tired, the class I want isn’t going on, etc.
Depression isn’t sexy. I don’t feel attractive. I feel like wearing baggy pjs whenever I’m home, and doing a bunch of relative nothing, which is what I do most of the time. I am definitely not the poster child for physical, mental, or spiritual health. If anything I’m the poster child for the recovering introvert, burrito blanket and all.
I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to find another person who would want to go out and do things because sitting at home in silence is boring.
We talked about how it feels like we aren’t dating and how when he mentions dating other people it makes me wish that we would date. How it feels like we’re the old, grouchy married couple and he’s going to go find a mistress who he can have fun with, to which he said I was being silly.
Maybe I am.
We haven’t gone to a movie, or done anything ‘date’ related since Zane lost his job. We get food, sure. But we don’t go out with the intention of ‘this is a date’. We’ve stopped exploring each other. And for a while there wasn’t the intimacy that I wanted, I may even begrudgingly say need.
And I don’t mean intimacy in a purely sexual sense. The cuddling, holding, the connectedness. I need that more than sex. I need affection because that’s one of the main differences between my relationships with my companions and the rest of the world.
I don’t let people hug me. I don’t cuddle or share deep, dark insecurities with everyone. Unless it’s online with my blog… because for some reason putting it online is easier than sitting across from someone and admitting to being flawed.
Seriously, if anyone ever wanted to psychologically destroy me they would only have to read a handful of posts… I’m basically handing the world a loaded gun, putting a neon flashing arrow above my head and begging for a headshot.
Here! Shoot me here!
Anyway, all that aside, I didn’t keep it bottled up yesterday. Zane held me on the couch while I picked my way through the emotions, answer questions when he asked them, and responded to his comments. Being near him helped. A lot. I didn’t really cry, though there were tears. It’s hard to explain.
Strong emotions manifest as water from my eyeballs. Even anger / rage. So for me, it’s not that I was really crying, because I wasn’t sobbing or anything. I could still talk even though sometimes it was hard. Sometimes it was hard to breathe around the pain in my chest because the feelings were so intense. But I was able to handle myself. I was able to communicate. And for me that’s not the same as crying even though there are tears in both situations.
I didn’t fight against the tears. I let them be there and I didn’t give myself shit for it. It felt good to let the emotions go, falling away, running down onto the couch or into the pillow. It didn’t seem as hard to breathe by the time we were done talking.
Bobby came over to help Trevor with something and to play Fluxx. We ended up going to Arby’s for dinner, which I was ok with even though I shouldn’t be because that’s spending money. Since we’re under budget for groceries and because I didn’t feel like cooking I went with it.
It was a nice outing and I’m glad I went.
When we came back to the apartment I went to the room where I cross stitched and began listening to Dragonflight. I’ve read the book before, but for some reason I want to read it again. Or rather listen to it this time. I am really enjoying the person reading the book. He’s very expressive in his voices.
I was able to finish one cross stitch completely, and am almost done with another. I came out of the room for a little bit and watched a few games of Fluxx being played by everyone else, then went back to the room. Eventually Bobby left and everyone else went to sleep. I transferred the book to my phone and came out to the living room where I cross stitched while Zane worked on some of the rules for his campaign.
We ended up doing laundry as well.
I fell asleep before it was done, and woke up alone. When I woke Zane up this morning he mentioned how he had felt like he couldn’t come back to the room because he didn’t want to wake me up. The past few times he has done that I haven’t been able to get back to sleep, and I’m such a light sleeper that there’s no way for him to come into the room without me waking up.
I feel a little bad about that, but it’s not like I can change it. So I don’t know where that leaves me.
Zane is still asleep. I’m not sure when he went to bed so I’m letting him sleep until he wakes up. I’ve been finishing off the cross stitch and listening to my book more. Currently it is raining outside which I’m ok with.
I work to night at 9pm. Not really looking forward to it, but it could be worse.
I think I’m going to take all of December off from work. I have the time for it. I think that will be my reward for this year.
And with that I’m all written out. Time to go back to Pern.