Yesterday wasn’t without it’s darkness, but in the end was nice and today seems to be a journey on a bright, sunlit path.
I don’t even remember why we fought, but Zane and I did. Badly. That hopeless feeling was consuming everything inside me. The sound of the bedroom door closing when he walked away from me felt like what I would imagine a shotgun wound would feel like in my chest.
For a while I stayed on the couch. There wasn’t thought. There wasn’t anything. I remembered how I had written that I would be proud of my actions from now on. How I wouldn’t stay on the couch all day letting depression kill me. And for a while I couldn’t bring myself to get up. All I could to was think that after everything I have gone through in my life so far that this would be it. This would be the end of my story and it would be a shitty ending.
Worst book ever.
I then started thinking about how I was supposed to stop being a jerk to myself, and that my thoughts were pretty jerkish at the moment.
Hey, by the way, you’re failing even more… failingest failure ever to go along with a shitty ending.
Thanks… Not like I wasn’t feeling crappy enough as it was. You know what? Screw you, Brain. I’m going to feel better just to spite you. Just because it will make a sick, twisted part of me happy to see your plans foiled. Forget you and all of the garbage you constantly throw at me right now. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you. I’m tired of this situation.
Eventually I got up, wiping the tears away. I went to the sink, because of course there were dishes to do. I could do that. I can wash stuff, make it clean. I can do something productive.
While I was washing Zane came back out. I was so tense. I wanted to hide, I wanted desperately to not hurt. I wanted for everything to be ok. I wanted for there to be a reason for the hurt, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I still don’t.
He started making a hookah bowl, not speaking. It felt like he was ignoring me, which I couldn’t really blame him. Who wants to deal with emotional BS every awaking moment of everyday?
I bit my lip as breathing became harder. He came to the sink to rinse the stem piece off and I stepped to the side so I wouldn’t be in the way. I didn’t think he wanted to touch me, the distance between us felt like worlds. Universes. So close and yet we couldn’t have been further apart.
He walked away, set the stem down, then came back and wrapped his arms around me, sighing. The touch was gentle and yet it felt like I was being crushed by sadness. He’s going to pull away. He’s going to leave. Don’t take comfort. It’s a lie.
He told me to turn around. I knew he would see the new tears, so I didn’t want to. I tried to not do it, but so much of me wanted this hug. Needed to know that we were ok. I put my head against his shoulder, biting my lip harder, trying to hold it together.
“Everything’s ok,” he whispered in my ear.
And all I could do was cling to him. That’s all I want. To wake up and for things to not be bad. For us to not fight over stupid shit. To not feel like a terrible person, a failure, because not matter what there’s always something that I seem to do wrong. Everyday, something.
After a few minutes of closeness I was better. More composed. At least enough to get a paper towel so I wasn’t an absolute mess. Just mostly a mess. Rational thought returning gradually.
I sat in one of the kitchen chairs while he continued going about making the hookah. We talked. The thing I remember the most is asking why there always had to be a problem.
“What’s wrong? What can I do to make things better?”
Every time we see each other, which in my head is always, he asks me those questions. And every time I’m normally fine, but he doesn’t accept that answer. I’m not smiling. There has to be something wrong, and he keeps poking until I become frustrated, and then he feels attacked, and then I feel bad, and I think that was part of the issue yesterday.
It was supposed to be introvert day for me. He said I could have space, yet every time he came into the living room it was, “Are you ok? Is something wrong? Can I do anything?”
You can go burn in a fire? Is that an ok answer on introvert day?
While we were in the kitchen, talking about the blow up he said that there didn’t have to be a problem, but that he wanted there to be something that he could fix. He wanted there to be something he could do to make me happy because it felt like weeks since he had seen me smile. He said it felt like I have been seriously depressed for so long and he just wanted to help.
I can understand that. How not having something to fight can make you feel useless, helpless. If only there was something to slay. Some evil to conquer.
I told him that all that needs to happen to to let time pass. That I’m in the process of healing on my own, and had actually been feeling better before our spat, but that his constant poking at my wounds makes it sort of hard to heal around his fingers.
He laughed at that, saying it was a pretty good way of putting it.
I said how being around him has become stressful. How he doesn’t feel like that friend I can hang out with on a bad day, playing video games and not having to pretend that things are ok. It doesn’t feel like I can be me. I have to keep up the “act” when I come home. I have to be happy, always. It’s stressful and draining. Nothing is wrong. Nothing needs to be fixed. I just need a safe space where I don’t have to pretend and not have the reality of being sad be a bad thing.
It’s not him. It’s the situation. And I know that gets confusing, because he’s part of the situation. But he’s the one cooking dinner and making sure I eat. He’s only asking if I’m ok because he’s concerned and wants to help. He’s frustrated because he feels like he’s to blame, and when he tries to “fix” things it seems to become worse.
We all want something to blame. We want a thing to be responsible. As humans we want, need, something tangible. But sometimes there isn’t a “thing”. Sometimes it’s just life. Sometimes it’s a concept, and neboulous collections of thoughts and events outside of your control.
Sometimes it’s just the path you’re on and the only way to get through it is to keep going, even though it sucks. You can’t turn back, so the only choice is to keep going forward through the vines and thorns, getting scrapped up and bloodied. Yeah, we may be on this path because of our choices, and it’s painful and we’ll have new scars, but at least we’re on it together. We’re making it through together.
We ended up smoking a hookah with a mint water basin and rose shisha. It was a new mix, I think I like the chia tea mix more though.
So after all of that he ended up watching Critical Roll on my laptop in the living room while I finished listening to Dragonflight and kept working on my new cross-stitch. I finished the first book and began Dragonquest actually. Not sure how far I am into the book, but I’m enjoying re-listening to the story.
I ended up being in a fairly stable place when I went into work. There was more news about the changes in the meeting yesterday, and I guess the school is altering the way lectures are going to be conducted. I don’t know how that is going to affect the lab schedule, but I know Clavan will do his best to not have the lab staff screwed over, so I’ll just wait to see what happens with that. I’ll know in about a week. Hard to believe the month is almost over. That it’s already Friday.
Zane and I watched a few episodes of Psycho-Pass when I got home, and afterwards we both went to sleep, together, in the same room, in the same bed. The first time in about a week. I woke up a handful of times, but was able to get back to sleep each time. I woke up around 9, decided that 9am sucked, and went back to sleep until 10:30.
John and Trevor were gone already. I had my coffee in the living room alone eating a handful of strawberries for breakfast while Zane checked his email.
Today is supposed to be a low day. Take care of the storage unit, go to sports bar, go to work, work on homework, come home. The end.
Tomorrow Zane and I are supposed to have a “game day” most likely consisting of watching the rest of Psycho-Pass. No obligations. No people. No social stuff. Just chilling and decompressing because I mentioned how Sundays don’t feel like days off for me anymore. They’re the days for Pathfinder games. They’re a social obligation now, and in a way that sucks. They’re fun, but a stress at the same time. At least when I don’t have any other days to offset the social aspect of work and the game. I need a quiet day and I’ve been neglecting that.
So that’s what tomorrow is supposed to be. I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to going home today.
I have already taken care of the storage unit issue. They actually fixed it for me without my knowing, so when I went into the store it was an amazingly fantastic surprise. The problem took care of itself. The Universe does still love me, and some things can actually get solved easily.
So not only did I have a good morning with good coffee creamer (because I opted not do use the hazel nut today), but the worst thing I had to get done today was actually most likely the easiest thing on my list.
I’m currently at my sports bar, my food staring at me uneaten as I write. I’m almost done with my blog with 2% left on my battery life, because I’m a bawce like that. I have all of the information I need for my assignment so if I can get that into a rough layout I can save formatting for tomorrow or, more likely, Sunday, before the game.
And past that it will be over 24 hours of whatever Zane and I choose to do. I feel relief, I feel better. I have an idea for a project that I want to do for some really special people in my life, and that gives me motivation. I have a purpose right now, something I’m working towards, and that makes me feel good.
I have a new theme song playing over and over in my head since last night. The lines that speak most deeply to me are, “Stand unafraid,” and “How can you expect to win the war if you’re too afraid to fight?”
I’m looking forward to today. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.
I’m not afraid to fight. I may still have darkness to travel through, but today I’m going to enjoy the sunshine. It’s not dark all the time, and today is a reminder of that. It’s worth the struggle.