Today marks the actual one-year anniversary for this blog. I knew it was coming up soon, but it was just a nebulous, “oh, it’s sometime in at the end of September” sort of knowing. I actually went back and looked at the date on my first post thought, and wouldn’t you know it says September 23, 2014.
Part of me feels so weary at that thought. All of the things…
And while I do feel weary and battle worn, it is a relaxed, restful weary. A contented feeling. A feeling of survival where I have given my all and made it, if just barely, and now all I have to do is focus on breathing. In out. In out. Blessed darkness as I close my eyes and let all of it go.
I feel like I have made it through something. Some fight that tested me to my very depths, making me push myself, strain, strive, question, rage, scream, cry in frustration and hopelessness as I kept fighting for no other reason than because I refused to give up. I refused to admit defeat. I refused to let someone else, something else, win. And now it’s over and all of it can wash away.
All of the dirt, grime, sadness, sorrow, pain. It can rinse away under the water until my skin is all that’s left. Frail, scratched, broken, bruised, but mine.
That’s where I’m at today. It is a very real day. Good in its own way, though painful as well.
I’m aware of just how much has happened since my last relationship. I’m aware of how I have moved three times. I’m aware of all of the stress and weight I have put on financial goals, not just the Bank of America card, but money in general. I’m aware of how I found aikido and how I also feel I have lost that outlet. I’m aware of how it was within this year that the situation with Ari altered. I’m aware of how my encounter with James was in December. Less than a year.
There have been so many moments that I have written about. So many points in time which mattered to me. Which made me hurt, which made me feel. Which made me smile. I’m aware that Tre left this year, and Nicole. I’m aware of how work as declined.
Thinking of things in reference to this day, a year ago, puts it into perspective.
I have survived a lot. I have endured a lot. And while there have been lots of good moments, looking back on it, a lot of it was rough. I feel like I’ve been a trooper. An ungraceful one, but one none the less.
I haven’t written for a few days, so on top of it being the one-year mark and having all of those overwhelming feelings, I have what feels like an eon’s worth of things to process.
Monday was great. After writing I went out to the living room to talk with Zane. I mentioned everything that I wanted to do, including the shopping. I said how even though the shopping was something that I wanted, I didn’t really want to go out, and I couldn’t figure out why. We ended up concluding that Monday was supposed to be an anti-social day, and going out sort of defeated the purpose of taking the day off… It seemed so obvious after talking about it.
So instead I stayed home and watched the last two episodes of Pycho-Pass. It was a pretty decent show. Not my favorite, but I wouldn’t be against having to watch it again. I wish the ending had been more complex for as involved and twisted as the rest of the show was. The conclusion seemed sort of hallow to me.
I did clean the kitchen hardcore. That made me feel good. Zane and I also think we’ve figured out why cleaning relaxes me. It’s because I can’t relax in a cluttered environment. I sit and stew about how things should be taken care of, so even if I’m not doing anything, my mind is stressing, and will continue to stress until whatever is out of place is “fixed”. It’s better to let me do it and get it out of my system so I can actually enjoy sitting still, rather than trying to force something that’s never going to happen.
So even though it was a day off I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the room, went through my “in” pile which I haven’t touched since I’ve moved in. That was four months worth of build up. So much of those papers were garbage. I even went through my “important” box. It’s a portable storage filer where I keep all of the papers that I really aught hold on to. Tax information, passport nonsense, Scarlet’s vet forms, warranties and manuals.
I had car insurance contracts from 2011 in there… I’m pretty sure I don’t need to hold onto those anymore.
I didn’t go to the gym, but after all of the cleaning it felt like I had already had a workout. Zane and I did a bunch of cooking. I ended up going to sleep around 11pm which is crazy early for me since normally I don’t get home until midnight. Zane didn’t come to bed until around 5am. I think those were the main highlights for Monday. If I remember more I’ll toss it in.
Tuesday started super early for me. At 6am I was wide awake. I got up, made breakfast and coffee and poked around online. I completed all of the video assignments for my class and wrote my discussion post. I did a fair amount of research for my final assignment and even got a rough draft (read final copy) started.
I’m having a hard time meeting the 1000 word minimum though. I feel that I’ve answered all of the questions thoroughly with only 600ish words, and if I add more it’s just going to be filler that takes away from what I actually want to say.
I emailed my instructor today asking for her to read over what I have so far to see if she could let me know if any of the areas need further clarification, or if there’s a perspective that I haven’t explored yet. Aside from that I need to find images to help with the overall display of the information. It’s due on Sunday, so I think I’m doing well in that regard. I might even feel up to doing some extra credit for the class.
I went to a yoga class at 11am, and that totally, completely, kicked my ass. I’m not sure if it was just an intense class, or if I’ve slacked off that hardcore, or a combination of both… But yeah, I totally felt it afterwards. Even during it I was working up a pretty intense sweat.
Yoga class : 1
Jen : -9 million
Ok. It wasn’t that bad. In fact I was able to crack my back in several spots. Lately I’ve been having pain in-between my shoulder blades. I wasn’t able to get that particular area to crack, but I should be able to soon if I keep up with stretching. It would be nice to get back into proper alignment.
I called my mom after the gym since I haven’t talked with her in a while. I have a hard time talking to her when I’m depressed because I know she will know something’s wrong and with all of the distance between us it makes it hard.
I told her about how things had been rough. I actually wrote a post on Friday for my Facebook, where I admitted to the past four months being rough, and how there had been two instances where I had seriously contemplated suicide because I felt so overwhelmed with everything. Since my mom is on my Facebook she had seen the post.
I will most likely add that Facebook post to my blog. Another loose leaf page tucked into my journal.
I had posted it because everyone assumes that I’m fine. That I’m always ok and that I’m this bright shiny beacon of peaceful perfection, when I’m not. I struggle and fight and feel bad just like everyone else. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed, and sometimes the darkness is so dark I don’t know where to go or how to find the light that I know is there.
Sometimes the only thing you need to know to keep fighting is that someone else has felt the way you feel. Sometimes that one, single truth is enough to make it worth the struggle.
In my post I said that I didn’t need help or intervention. What I needed was for the other people out there to know that they weren’t alone. That I was fighting with them, and that together we would be victorious.
I worried about making that post, but it felt like the right thing to do. So I did it.
My mom and I talked about it. We talked about the fight that Zane and I had, and how he had hugged me and said everything was ok. How things have been going ok since then. How I was taking the day off. How I felt like I was getting better, but still sort of hesitant about it. It’s like the calm before the storm in a way, and I’m waiting for depression to come back and drop kick me in the face.
It was a really good conversation. I just wish we could have had it face to face over lunch or something.
We talked about work, and the apartment. We talked about my younger brother, and how she’s doing now that the house sold. We talked about my older brother and what’s going on out in Vegas. Both of our phones ended up close to dead before we said goodbye. We’re going to try to chat more at some point this week since we both had more to say.
So all of that happened while I was sitting in my car in the gym parking lot, at least for the most part. I ended up driving to the bank and getting $20 for the laundry card so I could have clean cloths. Oh, the silly obsessions I have…
I ended up saying goodbye to mom after I had gotten back to the apartment. Zane was up by the time I got back home. After showering I went back out to Salvation Army to do the shopping I wanted to do. It’s closer then Goodwill, and while I wanted to be out, I didn’t want to go all that far.
I got three new outfits for $20. Most of the stuff I got was actually half priced. I got three skirts and three tops to go with them. They’re long skirts that go to my ankles, and they’re swooshy. I think of them as peasant skirts. Two are dark brown and one is black. I really like them.
When I got back I was super tired. Between schoolwork, yoga, talking to mom, and an hour picking through cloths and trying stuff on I was beat. I took about a two-hour nap before Zane woke me up. We did laundry and started watching Sherlock since we needed a new show to watch together.
I have seen two episodes so far. Oh man. So much amazing. I’m already hooked on it.
Since laundry was done before I went in to work I was able to wear one of my new outfits. I also totally put all of the cloths away. Go me.
It was a little awkward wearing the new outfit to work. But the only way to get comfortable with something new is to not shy away from it. So yeah, I wore a skirt to work with a girly top. I compromise with myself and wore my Army hoodie, so while I was girly, I was still within an acceptable comfort zone.
It didn’t feel like I got much done at work last night. Clavan wants me to do better with clocking in and out. Part of me doesn’t care, but I know I will put in more effort because Clavan is actually a good boss. It’s the system I’m frustrated with, and he’s at its mercy as much as I am.
I got to start my new cross-stitch project. I’ve done this pattern before, so I know I’m going to enjoy it.
I ended up going home and watching the second episode of Sherlock with Zane. After that we went to sleep and that was my Tuesday. Long and tiring, but productive and good.
And so here we are, most of the way through Wednesday.
I woke up feeling like today was going to be broken, like listening to a scratched up CD. All of the events were going to be hiccups of time, disjointed and bumpy feeling, and so far it hasn’t proved me wrong.
Today was Shading and Lighting, so I had to go in at 1pm. I woke up at 9:30 even though I didn’t go to sleep until after 3am. I had a weird dream that I may write about. I still remember all of it surprisingly.
Anyway, I was tired, and sore (damn you yoga!), but I wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep, so up it was… Breakfast and coffee happened, along with checking email. There was a blog that I wanted to reply to, which ended up taking a bit of time because I couldn’t write a handful of sentences. Nope. My INFJ self had to write two pages worth of “This is my opinion”. Hopefully it’s helpful though.
Zane woke up right when I was finishing my writing. He was still super tired, too. We talked about the dreams we both had. We talked about the day, and how I felt like mine was going to be rough. I showered eventually.
Oh! One more thing that happened on Tuesday. I ended up catching everyone in the kitchen so I brought up an issue that I had. Go me, again!
I asked if we could make the eggs communal since we take up a fair amount of space in the fridge to have three different cartons, all different sizes, of eggs, and how the carton of eggs that Zane and I had bought ended up getting knocked over so some of our eggs broke.
I should mention that when I saw the broken eggs on Monday that I went into furious “Dragon of Rage” mode. So I was super proud that I was able to let go of that anger for the conversation.
So, long story short, eggs are now communal. We won’t have to waste so much space with everyone having their own thing of eggs, and it was a fairly smooth encounter. Huzzah.
Back to today…
I went into work early so I could scan some of the cross-stitch projects that I’ve been able to finish. To keep from spamming WordPress I’ll be posting them over the next few days. I have already added them to my Facebook, though. One of my friends made a comment saying he unliked my album just so he could like it again. XD
I have some pretty amazing friends.
He actually sent me a private message asking if I could be commissioned for a personal cross-stich, to which I said of course. I would love to. So we’re going to try to meet up tomorrow night. He leaves work the time I’m showing up, so I’m going to try going in early.
I replied to several work related messages on Facebook, I got my work email squared away. I got more information about the classes I’ll be taking over the next two months due to the switch in degrees I’m making. I called and got more information about taking my certification test. They aren’t open on weekends so I’ll most likely be taking the test next week.
I ended up sending an email to the test center with a list of questions because I didn’t get all of the information I wanted from the receptionist I spoke to. I’m hoping to have that information by tomorrow. So that’s underway.
I took a stereotype test online for my class. That was actually pretty interesting. It was a resource from last week, but I never got around to looking into it.
Work was actually super frustrating today. An email was sent out about one of the departments. It resulted in Frank being gone for a bit in two instances, and what I can only categorize as a bitch-fest about work upon his return. I totally fed into it. I have so much frustration build up about the environment right now. I’m not the happy optimistic, “go team, go!” person when it comes to work.
I’m more of the “I’m sick of being screwed over, so I’m going to stand back and watch all of this catch on fire and burn to the ground, maybe dance on the ashes, but more likely just grind said ashes under my heels as I stand in the center of the destruction and bask in the feel of everything getting its just reward, possibly even helping to spread the fire so as to ensure nothing escapes its much deserved fate” sort of person right now though.
Yep. Still in line with my shadow traits right now and that whole, “Screw you, and the horse you rode in on, and the one the sired it, too” sort of mentality.
My plan is to talk to Clavan and say that I need, not want, need, to go back to having two days off. It doesn’t matter that my days are fairly short days. I’m not getting the alone time I need and that’s factoring into my “death and destruction” mindset when it comes to work. I don’t get enough space away from it, so it’s a sensitive wound that keeps getting poked at. Or from my perspective, stabbed at, repeatedly, with a rusty spoon.
But yeah, work was just a bunch of frustration because everything that I’m sensitive about felt like it was raked over hot coals because of the conversation with Frank.
I had planned on staying at work until after rush hour, but after that conversation I just couldn’t. No matter where I went there was going to be people and I didn’t want to take out my frustration on anyone. So home it was. I didn’t calm down any by being alone in my car. So when I came into the apartment I hugged Zane and basically emotionally vomited all my frustration on him…
If that doesn’t sound sexy that’s because it wasn’t…
Though it was pretty comical now. He pulled out the container of Talenti ice cream and we stood in the kitchen passing it back and forth as I
ranted explained the new development at work, the frustration of the lab, and the conversation with Frank about the development.
Arg! Rage! Rawr! *eats some ice cream*
More rage and rawr! *stabs ice cream with spoon*
Does any of this make me a bad person? Wait. Scratch that. Zero fucks given right now. Burn it all to the ground! *stabs ice cream again*
I sort of feel bad for the ice cream now… It’s probably traumatized what with a crazy white chick stabbing it and stuff…
There were several times where Zane said that he realized that I was angry and frustrated, but that he was standing right by me, and that I didn’t need to be quit so loud. I didn’t even realize my voice was raised, that’s how much my emotions were in control. I had to fume and vent and get it all out, and poor Zane was amazing and let me have my tirade.
We’ve changed plans a little due to how today went down at work. We’re going to move date night partially to tonight. We’re going to Arby’s for dinner, and then going to the Publix in the same plaza because we need to get a few things like eggs, deodorant for him, and razors for me. I had wanted to do the shopping before coming home, but that wasn’t going to happen, and now I don’t feel like going out alone. So we’re going to go together.
Past that I want to work on my cross-stitch and listen to my book, maybe watch another episode of Sherlock. I’m not sure yet. But that’s been my day so far.
Today also marks the Fall equinox. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Sort of sad I guess. Summer is over, officially, though I felt its passing stronger on Monday than I do today. It was something I mentioned to Zane. How I could feel it in my skin, the turning, the changing.
Summer died on Monday, and there is a realness with that fact which is somber. Much like how this is one year for me. While some people will see a reason to celebrate, it’s like I see everything and so the sadness negates the joy until there is only fact.
Almost all of this summer I was fighting, struggling, with myself. I suppose that lines up with this year, though. I feel like I was confronted with one of my worst fears and I held on. I flinched, and struggled, and thought about running away, but I didn’t. I stayed, and I think that I should acknowledge that about myself and this situation.
I could have left. When Zane first lost his job, heck, when they started cutting his hours and I knew internally that things were going to get worse I could have moved back with Jeremy and Ashley. I could have not paid Zane’s bills and made the situation worse for him. I could have done so many other things instead of trying to stand beside him through this. I could have ditched, cut my losses, instead of investing and saying that this dynamic is worth it.
I feel like I didn’t really come out standing. I feel like he had to drag me through a lot of it while I made it worse by giving into fear. He helped carry me through this all while trying to carry his own inner turmoil. But I stayed. We stayed. And I think that says something about the dynamic we have.
We might not be each other’s forever, but I think we’ll have a bond of comradery and a certain level of trust and respect because of the situation we went / are going through. It’s not fixed yet, but October 12th isn’t that far away, and we’re doing well. I feel like we’re winning.
So summer is over. This year has been rough. Work still sucks. I haven’t lost all of the weight I wanted to. I haven’t paid off my credit card like I wanted.
But I’ve survived.
So take that, Life. Screw you, Unvierse. You can’t keep me down.
Today marks the day that one year ago I shaved my head. Today marks the day that I decided that I was going to be true to myself, and so far I feel I have been. It’s been hard, and some things haven’t changed as much as I wanted. But I am a different person than what I was.
No. Not different. I’m still me. I have learned though. I have learned more about myself and what I need, and what I want. It will be an ongoing process. For the rest of my life I’m sure. I hope.
I am doing well, so here’s to another year.
Here’s to another chance, another day, to make myself a better me.