Today is a stark contrast to yesterday.
Yesterday was amazing. Awesome. Fantastic. Productive.
It started at 9am with waking up to my alarm for the first time in months. I can’t say it was super easy, but I only hit snooze once before getting up. I sleepily unloaded the dishwasher then had half of a breakfast shake with half a small apple. After that I was feeling way more awake and ready for the day. I headed out the door and to the gym where I ran a mile. I maintained the pace I had the other night. So no real improvement, but no regression either, and no real pain in my shines, so that was a win in my book.
I woke Zane up when I got home since he had asked me to. I cooked oatmeal so we could have some premade breakfasts in the fridge for later in the week. I also put a pot of rice on to cook for the curry. I peeled and deveined the shrimp and then went about cooking the curry so we would have dinner / lunches made.
Eventually I had breakfast of rice and egg. I forgot to add the sarachia sauce but it was still tasty. Just less spicy.
I packed my lunchbox and made sure all the dishes were taken care of and the kitchen was clean. I even put the cloths away before showering and going to work.
It was the first lab at work so I had to do the introduction speech. “Don’t set the computers on fire. If you have questions you have to actually ask them because I’m not a mind reader.” That sort of thing. The class seems to be really interactive. I think I’ll have fun with them.
Once they got to work I was able to get to work on my stuff, checking emails, responding to messages. I paid the storage unit since that was due. I checked out my new class for the month and got my battle plan ready for that. I completed all of the reading for the week and began brainstorming for the discussion post and the weekly assignment.
I have to make a card, the Jack of Hearts, in an Art Nouvou or Art Deco style. I haven’t figured out what I really want to do with it yet, but I have some stuff written down that I will look further into later.
Seven students didn’t show up to lecture so instead of two labs there’s only one. That frees up four hours for me. And since the lab has been officially scheduled, that means the lab room is going to be completely empty for those four hours. I have a spot that I can work in, alone, undisturbed, this month.
And that’s what I did yesterday. I stayed at work and recorded my responses to the discussion questions and edited them into a video to post.
I even cross stitched a bit. It was so close to being done before I left work. I really felt awesome and like I was on top of stuff. So much so that I stopped by Arby’s and got cookies for Zane and I. I deserved it damnit.
When I got home things were pretty alright. The kitchen wasn’t a disaster. I had dinner in the living room with Zane while he watched Youtube stuff. John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight. It was awesome, too. I laughed so much.
We had a Chia Tea hookah while we were watching the show. Bobby ended up coming over so after a little while I went back to the room. I figured Zane and I would have more time together later. We had been pretty affectionate earlier during the day before I went to work, and there had been the promise of later.
So at 1am when I was falling asleep I went back out to the living room and said goodnight while everyone continued to play video games. At 2am when I got frustrated with not being able to sleep I went back to the living room. Everyone else had gone to sleep or left. Zane said he would come to sleep shortly, in about an hour when he got tired.
At 5am when I woke up I went back to the living where Zane said he was going to sleep on the couch.
I somehow fell back to sleep alone in the room. When my alarm went off at 9am Zane was in bed with me. I don’t remember that. I turned the alarm off and stayed in bed.
I felt empty. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to go to the gym. I didn’t want breakfast. I wanted a hug. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to not feel lied to.
So I stayed in bed. I went back to sleep. I woke up around 11am. I didn’t move until 11:30 and that was only because I “had” to. I made breakfast. Oatmeal and egg. I only ate part of it leaving the mostly full bowl on the coffee table. I made coffee, but I didn’t drink it. Any of it. I left it sitting on the counter in the kitchen because it didn’t matter.
I sat in the chair in the living room until 12:20 when I “had” to take a shower. Zane was awake when I got out and came into the bed room to change. He hugged me. And even though I wanted to be touched so badly, it burned. It hurt. It’s like when you want something so much that you’re scared of having it because you know it won’t be enough so it’s easier to go without it.
He said he was sorry I felt detached, and that apology felt so hollow. So empty.
I took the time to prep the fabric for another project. Since today is another full day I didn’t want to be at work with nothing to do for eight hours. I don’t have it in me to work on my assignment today. Zane and I talked about stuff while I was in the room. Nothing important. I thanked him for cleaning the bathroom the other day. He mentioned how he had cut the chicken for the Cajun pasta. I’m not sure what else.
He walked me out to my car.
And here I am at work.
I’ve finished the last project I was working on. I’m happy with it. I’m about to start the new one. It’s going to be one of the bigger pieces I’ve done. I’m looking forward to it.
I still feel empty though. I still feel detached. Like I’m not really here. Like I’m not really connected to anyone. My back still burns where I can feel Zane’s hands on me. On my arms. On my cheeks. I want to be held but I know I’m going to have to wait for the pain to run its course before it becomes comforting.
It sucks. I wonder if anyone else ever feels like this. Where physical touch feels like an addiction, and when it’s denied it feels like withdrawals.
Today feels like it’s going to be a long day. I don’t have lunch with me. I didn’t pack it because I didn’t care, and right now I still don’t even though I can tell I’m getting slightly hungry. I might get soup from Crispers. At 4pm they still are doing their happy hour deal where everything is half price, so for $3 I can have a bowl of warm soup, with water, since I haven’t had anything to drink today.
I shouldn’t be neglecting myself like this. I shouldn’t be sad just because Zane couldn’t sleep and stayed up all night. I shouldn’t feel lied to. And all of these shouldn’ts eat away at me, because just because I “shouldn’t” doesn’t change the fact that I do.
Saying that I “shouldn’t” just means that I feel guilt on top of everything else because I’m doing something “wrong”.
My goal today is to find some baseline of peace. Not really happiness, but a level of contentedness where I’m at least able to eat.
Normally this is the type of day that I say is wasted. The type of day that I sleep through, waiting for tomorrow to try again. It doesn’t help that it’s rainy outside. Dreary, like my mind.
But I’m not going to do that today. Today isn’t a waste. Today is low, yes, but not a waste. I can still hold a warm cup of soup in my hands. I have finished a project already and can get a fair amount of progress through a new one. I can let my mind relax and work through the tangles of thought while I stitch and find a clearer understanding for my emotions.
I can reconcile them within myself so when I go home I don’t cut Zane and I with the broken shards I seem so determined to hold on to. It’s a new day. A different day. Nothing bad happened yesterday. It was different than what I wanted. It was lonelier than what I wanted. But today doesn’t have to instigate that loneliness.
I don’t really have anything else to type. I don’t know what else to say. It’s still just a knot inside of my chest. Hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, betrayal a little bit which is hard to admit to. It seems low, selfish of me. It seems to be a habit though. “Later”. It’s always later. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. And those thoughts are sharp new pains that I don’t want to figure out right now.