Daily Post 010: The Dreaded “M” Word

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I’m groggy this morning, like my computer, which seems to think that it’s ok to take forever opening up a webpage or a Word document. I’m currently eating one of the left over pasta containers that was still in the fridge. There’s one more of those left, and 3 to four servings of curry, though I need to make more rice, which means I need to actually do the research into curry rice because mine never comes out as sweet as the rice I get at restaurants.

My shoulder blades are crazy sore. Most likely from kickboxing. The soreness is a deterrent from running at the moment, though I’m going to kick myself if I don’t do something today. There is literally no yoga at the gym today, but I do have all of those podcasts that I downloaded, so I can still make it happen.

I need to call my mom today since it’s the start of the week. She wont be at work today. At least she shouldn’t be unless she switched her schedule with someone. I need to thank her for the cards.

I need to buy Frank a gift card for his birthday. I need to ship off a bunch of stuff. I need to finish my homework. I need to finish the bottle of water in front of me. I need to have my cup of coffee.

My brain is making this huge list of “needs” in my head and currently I have no paper to write them down on so it just feels like weight in my mind. I don’t have any place to set this weight down on.

I need to figure out my certification nonsense since it seems like no one is going to get back to me about it. I feel like that’s poor business practice.

Yesterday was a good day. I got a fair amount of work done on my project. Still a little ways to go, but I’m confident it will get done. Zane and I started playing Cryomancer together. It’s a game very similar to Bejeweled Blitz. We take turns on the puzzle matches, and he’s letting us go around the map to get 100% in the areas. It was a lot of fun and we did that until Uke showed up for the Pathfinder game.

He ended up having $10 for food. I had already told Zane that I didn’t want to spend money, or go anywhere before the game started. But I ended up showering and taking Uke to Taco Bell where I threw in another $10 so we could get food for everyone.

It didn’t help much that I didn’t enjoy the game as much as I did last week. Our characters didn’t seem to do all that much, though I can say that my character did not turn into a were-rat and that we took care of the contaminated well by having a tree grow out of it, so no further villagers should get infected.

I also helped herd a bunch of cow like creatures back to essentially the slaughterhouse. We were confronted by the protectors of the second city before we were allowed to enter and told of an issue they needed our help with.

Apparently the traveling merchant we had seen earlier on the road had released their herd beasts because he did not want the protectors to kill the animals, even though the animals were raised as a food source.

Before we would be allowed into the city we had to go round up the animals since the protectors weren’t allowed to leave the forest. They had to stay at the city.

Since I was mounted on my cat-dragon, something similar to that images, I went with Snow, a companion I am traveling with who happens to be a sentient wolf. We’re the fastest party members and so it was concluded that we would be the most able to herd the animals.

We had to back track a bit, but we had seen the beasts’ trail before entering the forest and had a good idea of where they went. Snow and I were able to return the animals to the protectors without incident, and our party was finally allowed to enter the city, which happens to be located at the top of the tree canopy might I add, which is why we needed to help the protectors. We legit wouldn’t have been able to enter the city otherwise.

When I look back at it, a fair amount of stuff happened last game. I guess my issue was that we kept getting side tracked, people kept talking about off topic things, John kept playing on his phone. It didn’t feel like the last game where everyone was present and participating. It felt jumbled and annoying. And I was getting tired.

Once we completed the herding side quest Uke actually wrapped up the game and called it a night. I tired going to sleep after that but Trevor came out of his room so he, Uke, and Zane stayed up until 1am playing some shooting game.

I tried listening to music, I tried taking NyQuil. Nothing worked. I had to wait 3 hours for everyone to go to sleep. Zane stayed in the living room to watch Dr. Who, but I came out of the room and curled up on the couch with him, my head in his lap and fell asleep like that for a little while.

I don’t know why but I wanted to be near him. He woke me up when his show was done and we went back to the room where I fell back asleep without any trouble. I had wanted to wake up at 8am for the gym, but instead got up around 9:30.

Something else that may have factored into not being able to sleep last night was the mention of having to move. Danielle does not want to stay at the apartment, so her and Trevor are thinking about leaving when the lease is up.

That’s in February. So 5ish months.

Zane and I don’t want to stay with John. Uke may want a roommate at that point, but currently, right now, he can’t commit to anything because his hours are so shaky with his job.

I don’t want to think about having to move again. I don’t want to think about security deposits and pet fees and startup costs, and moving furniture, and not having things we need like a microwave. I don’t want to think about my rent going up and not being able to work on my goals…

It’s a lot right now, and I don’t have the time or the space to process it and find the battle plan that I would want 5 months from now. I’m so tired of having to come up with a battle plan for this. I’m tired of moving. I want to stay somewhere. I want to enjoy where I’m staying.

On a logic level I know I would enjoy a place where I didn’t have to content with others. I do better on my own, and so if it were just Zane and myself I can see things being smoother than what they are. He’s already offered to take the brunt of the cost once he has his job so I can continue to pay things down. He even agreed to waiting until the end of the lease because by then I should at least have the card paid off. So since this isn’t an immediate thing I’m not freaking out as much as I could be.

On the other side I would be moving into a place with just him, which has never worked in any of my previous relationships.

Other flip side, the very first thing he mentioned was a two bedroom so I could have my own space. Add that on top of only having to cover the utilities of the apartment and it’s basically the perfect situation.

I need more time to think about it. I need to let my mind wander and explore all of the different paths this could take, even the dark ones. I don’t have time to do that now though. Maybe next week when I take my week off, which is another thing I need to add to my “need” list for today.

I need a break. Point blank. I need a fair amount of time where I can just sit down and reboot essentially, just like what I’m going to have to do with my computer. There’s just so much unprocessed clutter inside of my brain, and I’m running slower and slower for it, watching my energy bleed away over stupid, simple tasks which shouldn’t take a fraction of the time or effect they seem to at the moment.

I need non-social, total alone time. Oddly enough, picturing next week like that in my head makes today seem ok even though I have a crap ton of stuff I want to do.

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One thought on “Daily Post 010: The Dreaded “M” Word

  1. This reminded me a lot of my current situation. I moved out of the condo I was living in in September, because the owners wanted to put it up for sale. I’ve been house-sitting since then, but we only have an agreement til the end of November. There’s a chance that I can continue to stay on, but I won’t know until last minute. So I may have to move at the end of November, and its stressing me out. Anyway, rant aside, I hope things work out for you 🙂 Having your own space would be pretty awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

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