I wrote on Monday, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I’ve been away from my blog for ages. And even with that feeling not a lot has changed or happened so I don’t have much to write about.
Honestly I’ve been avoiding writing. Or maybe avoiding is the wrong word. I haven’t wanted to write. I’ve been self-contained, inside my shell, and writing is an expressive, “outside” thing. So it hasn’t seemed all that appealing.
I’m still sort of in that mindset, but at the same time I want to ramble. I want to write and not worry about the thoughts flowing together properly. I don’t want to care about having it feel like there’s a conclusion and that everything is wrapped up nicely with a pink bow on top.
I watched Big Hero 6 for the first time last night. There were parts that were really hard to watch. The feelings of loss and anger. Of feeling like someone abandoned you. Of not wanting to lose more people who are important to you. Yeah…
I don’t really know if that has anything to do with how I feel right now. I don’t think it does. I really enjoyed the movie. I think it was cute and well done. I didn’t cry or breakdown during the sad parts, though my eyes did burn. Go go controlled breathing.
Zane and I sat next to each other cuddling through most of it. I had my giant purple sheet with me, wrapped around me burrito style. It was nice.
Most of yesterday I played games. I got Bejeweled 3 for my computer and played that all day while I was at work aside from the five or so questions I had from students. When I got home Zane let me play my Gyromancer profile while he finished watching Cut Throat Kitchen or something like that. It as a cooking show. When the movie was over we went back to playing the game.
He’s glad that we’ve found something we can play together, and something that seems to let me float away from the stress. I wish it was something that was a bit more productive, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t help something inside me.
It doesn’t take thought for me. Finding the matches and getting fairly high scores lets my mind melt. And that’s what I did all day yesterday. I looked at my school stuff briefly. Zane and I went grocery shopping in the morning before I went to work, and I got Frank a birthday present.
It’s a $50 gift card. I got a card to go with it. I thought it was pretty cute. It said “All I got you for your birthday was a card, but if I were rich it would be different…” and then on the inside it said, “I would have gotten my assistant to get the card for me.”
I thought it was cute and that he would like it. On the inside I wrote a little message saying that if I had an assistant they would have most likely gotten the card to him on time, too, since I didn’t actually see Frank on his birthday. But that it was better late than never, right? I said that I hoped the card let him do something that he wanted to do, like going out to dinner with Natalie or getting a game he wanted.
He tried to give it back to me saying that it was too much. But I wouldn’t take it back. He also asked me when my birthday was and I said that I didn’t have birthdays. XD
I know he will want to “pay me back” but that’s not why I got him the card. I really want him to be able to do something nice for himself. He helps me out so often and is kind to me. Yeah, he’s sort of extroverted and talks me to when I’m trying to work sometimes, but Frank’s a really awesome co-worker and his friendship means a lot to me. I felt it was the least I could do.
Speaking of paying back. I did talk to my mom and thanked her for the Publix gift card. I said that I felt bad about it because I didn’t want her to think that I talked to her only to get help. She assured me the card didn’t have anything to do with that. She said she had wanted to send me a gift card for a while now, but had never gotten around to it, so the conversation the other week sort of sparked the action for her. The thought had always been there.
Zane and I used most of it for the shopping this week. It’s a low week, which means we got a bunch of “junk” type food. Corndogs and frozen burritos. Some frozen veggies and instant mashed potatoes to go with them. We got a frozen veggie lasagna as well, and stuff to make tuna sandwiches. Chicken breast was buy one get one free, so we got two packages of that to put in the freezer. We also got three boxes of Hamburger Helper with two pounds of burger to go with it when I actually cook.
Yeah… I feel like a college student again. Oh wait… I’m still a college student technically. I was going to write about how I feel guilty for eating crummy food because I should be better than that… but nope. I’m still allowed to do this.
Muahahaha. Take that, Life. Instant guilt-be-gone. Just add homework. XD
Anyway, like I said, the past few days have been low and I don’t think the week is going to change all that much. So instead of buying a bunch of food that would need to be prepped and cooked and most likely wasted because I really don’t see myself wanting to cook all that much, Zane and I agreed to have an easy, “comfort food” type week. I’m most likely not going to go to the gym much either. Just not feeling it. That whole being around people thing… It’s over rated at the moment. Staying at home in burrito sheet mode playing games with a cup of coffee in front of me sounds so much nicer. More relaxing. More calming.
Monday is Zane’s first day of work. Monday. So close. We’ve almost made it.My week of alone time. My break from the world. This psychological battle is almost over, and Monday beings my rewards for holding out, for making it through, for surviving the demons in my head.
Zane and I talked a little last night while we were trying to fall asleep. I asked if I could get his opinion on something that was bothering me. He said yes, so I took a breath and went for it.
I said that I know things are fine, and that they are going to get better, but that there is a part of me who feels like things will still never change, and that I’ll be sad for the rest of forever. That there’s a part of me who feels like I should be sorry for that. Sorry that I can’t see myself being happy again. All I can see is this darkness that’s still clinging to me, this tar, and I can’t make it go away. It clings and is heavy, and when I free myself of it it’s only briefly, a short break from the weight and icky-ness of it before it comes back, tarnishing everything.
I feel like it’s an actual “thing”, and that because it exists, because it follows me like some unwanted, neglected creature that I should apologize. If only it didn’t follow me. If only I hadn’t done something to attract it. It’s my fault it’s here and I’m sorry.
That’s what I feel. That it’s my fault I’m sad and that because of that I am unworthy, guilty, and that I should be the one to make amends for… something. I don’t know what. But something. I have to atone.
And even as I write that I can see how unhealthy that mentality is. Sadness and depression aren’t things a person should apologize for. Even Zane said that I had not to be sorry about. He said that he understood why the situation was hard for me. When I said that I didn’t understand how he put up with me because I find myself frustrating, he said that yeah, sometimes I can be frustrating, but that it was ok, and that he understood. He’s not going to give up or leave me over this. He said that it will be ok. That we’re ok.
It gave me a bit to think about. I ended up sleeping in the living room because I needed space. We’ve been acting more like friends than lovers, but that’s what I need right now. I need someone I can pass the controller back and forth with. Someone who will debate on which comfort food meals will be the most comforting Someone who will run out to Arby’s and get fresh baked cookies that we shouldn’t be eating. Someone who will ruffle my hair playfully while I’m angrily telling the TV that that was not the move I wanted to make as they walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
I’m scared and worried and sad, but I have a friend I can come home to. A warm hug. It makes it seem worth it right now. I look forward to going home because it’s where I feel emotionally safe right now. Everything else has people who wouldn’t understand, who don’t understand, and at the moment that’s energy that I don’t have or want to waste.
I did get a fair amount of stuff done this morning. The first of which was checking my email.
I guess Florida State University in Jacksonville doesn’t offer the Maya Certification test like the Autodesk website says it does. That’s four places I’ve checked now, and none of them offer my test. I’m about ready to flip tables over this. I’ll figure it out. I’m not going to give up on it. But I’m not going to worry about it today. It’s frustrating to know that it’s taking way more effort to get this done than I feel it should.
So that started my morning. After email and drinking a bottle of water, something else which I have been a little slack on the past two days, I had breakfast while I set eggs to boil for tuna, and put the lasagna in the oven to cook since that was going to be roughly two hours.
I loaded and ran the dishwasher. By then Zane was awake so he cleaned the cat’s box, I put the cloths away, just in time to do laundry tonight when I get home, he prepped the hookah, and we sat for a few hours and played more of Gyromancer together while smoking mint and berry tobacco before I showered and went to work, which is where I’m currently at.
I’m going to finish making the tuna when I get home, do laundry, and I don’t know what else, but while I’m here at school I’m going to work on my homework for the week. And in my mind that will be doing good for today.
I think I’m going to keep this week fairly light. My goal is to make it to the end. Anything that gets taken care of along the way is icing on the cake.
I’m content today, and that’s enough for me.