Musing Moment 0060: Analyzing My Life

Once again I’m doing the 30 Day Challenge by Chalene Johnson. Day one starts with rating 10 areas of your life. 10 being awesome 1 being awful. So here we go… again. : )

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Physical Health – 5

I’m slacking here, and I’m letting depression to that to me. I feel like I should have started this challenge on Monday, the beginning of my vacation because I have already started to change things around. But that doesn’t change that fact that for almost four months I was lucky if I made it to the gym three times a week.

Physical health is important to me. It’s a priority, and I haven’t been treating it like one which is compounding the depression. I will work back up to working out 5 times a week. I WILL MAKE TIME FOR THE GYM. Caps because it’s legit.

I will NOT compromise on this time, and I will stand up for myself and my needs in this regard.

Emotional Health – 3

Super low here. For several reasons. My emotional health stems from so many other areas, which are also low. And just like last time when I did this challenge, I don’t think focusing on this area in particular will help improve it. I need to go to the sources of my imbalance to improve my emotional health, so for now, it think the most I can do is acknowledge where I’m at, and where I want to go in this area.

Environment – 8

Once again my environment is fairly stable. I have just put in the application with the fee to be added to the lease and should have that taken care of by tomorrow. I have cleaned the apartment pretty well since I have been off this whole week. I have set up my cork board with all of my mementoes. There are a few changes I would still like to make, but I have the rest of the weekend for it. All in all, I am content with this area.

Leisure – 5

I’ve scored this one with an “eh” score. While I do have down time and while I do have “leisure” activities, lately it doesn’t seem like what I want to do. Working out is part of leisure for me. Cross stitching, which I had stopped doing until recently, is leisure for me. Aikido is leisure. Being alone is leisure. I feel like to improve this I need to analyze what I’m actually spending my time on and see if I’m doing it for me, or because I feel like I have to. If I’m not enjoying my activities then they’re not fun, and therefore not leisure.

Essentially cleaning house in this area would be beneficial and could aid in mending my emotional health since leisure is where I get most of my recovery / recharge.

Friends / Family – 6

This one is a little above average. I think I have been doing extremely well with communicating my feelings to people, which has mostly been, “I’m depressed and don’t feel like talking.” As my emotional health improves I know I will reach out more to other people, but so far I have done well with lettig people know I will be less communicative, rather than simply falling off the face of the Earth. I think I deserve points for that, which is why even though I am not talking to people very often I still rated this area decently. I’m doing the best I’m able to, and things will get better.

Significant Other – 5

Zane and I are still hanging in there. He’s almost done with his first full week of work after roughly four months of unemployment. I’m doing a bit better since I have been getting alone time this week by taking time for vacation. We enjoy our evenings together. We’re both less depressed.

I would like to see how else we improve as we shift from a survival mindset to a living mindset.

Purpose / Career – 3

I’m starting to resent my work. I feel stagnant. I feel like I’m wasting my time, but I don’t know what else I could / should / aught to be doing. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know where I want to go. And I think a lot of that has to do with the depression I’m feeling.

I don’t care right now. It takes too much to care. Figuring out where to go would meaning caring that I’m lost, and right now I can’t. Or maybe I just don’t want to. It’s going to take effort. It’s going to take soul searching. It’s most likely going to involve painful questions with equally painful and honest answers. And right now I’m tired of hurting. Which is sort of a fucked up mindset because if I went through a little bit of pain now, I would most likely save myself tons of pain in the long run.

Regardless of what I actually do, I know what NEEDS to be done at least, so part of the hard part is over in that regard. I have a plan of action, “Figure your shit out.” It’s more a matter of getting the balls to follow through on it. Until I do, I’m going to be stuck in the hole that I’m in for this area of my life. And if I’m doing nothing to change it, then I really have no right to complain about it.

Personal Growth – 4

Originally I had this at a 3 but I changed it to a 4 because I remembered that I actually am trying to better myself in one regard. The Maya Certification that’s still being a pain in the ass. But I’m trying to do it none the less.

Personal growth is a lot like emotional health though. Physical health is part of personal growth. Career is part of personal growth. Spiritual growth is personal growth. There’s so many things that go into making me the personal I am. I have to feed those areas, too, in order to see worth-while change in this area.

Spiritual Growth – 3

Another area which is super low. I don’t feel like I am failing Freya. I don’t know what I feel really. I know I could have done better these past four months. But everything in hindsight. I could have done a lot of things differently. But I’ve made it through, and I’m making plans for the future. I’m not living day-by-day, hour by hour any more.

I am slowly making goals, and plans, and slowly I am reaching them, one step at a time. That being said, I need to go back to caring for myself. I can’t be spiritually ok when I feel like I’m giving up my connection to Freya. I need the gym, I need a purpose, I need to meditate and make time for myself. I need to be involved in actives that I feel are worth my time.

My spiritual growth stopped because I stopped tending to me. So instead of looking outside for help or a fix or a cure, I need to look inward, inside in order to find the balance I need to restore to my life.

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There I have it. A verbal picture, a snap shot, of my life. Now to go make a battle plan to make things better. Go go to-do lists.