Daily Post 016: Keeping On

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So right now I’m back at work. Shading and Lighting with Frank. We’ve already talked about the bike, how it’s holding up, the roads I’m taking to get to and from work, etc. I haven’t told him about the bike adventure of last Thursday, but it didn’t seem relevant in the conversation at the time.

I suppose I should start with the end of Sunday, and then Monday since that happened, and I guess the little bit that I’ve done today…

Sunday’s Game

The game actually ended up being alright. I couldn’t be ok. So I sat in the living room cross stitching while I listened to what everyone was doing.

When our party entered the city there was a celebration going on. We secured rooms at one of the local taverns and then went about our different priorities. My character is not one for drinking and partying, so she went to the stable to be with her mount, which is where she spent most of the night.

The rest of my companions either went to sleep in the rooms in the tavern or went out to gather what information they could from the celebrating citizens.

Around midnight my character was woken by a mole person sticking her with a needle. She struggled but was unable to prevent the syringe from being decompressed, injecting her with some sort of liquid. She lost consciousness shortly afterwards.

When she awoke she was suspended from her wrists, naked, in a fairly small, low lite room. She wasn’t able to hear much of anything, but she did notice that the rope around her ankles was loose.

A mole person came into the room shortly after she came to, carrying a tray of instruments, scalpels, a bone saw, and such.

There was a small exchange between my character and the mole. Essentially he wanted any and all information that I had. When I refused to answer any of his questions he came closer to me, trying to compel me to answer his questions by tracing a scalpel down my torso.

By that time I had freed my feet from their bonds and kicked the mole creature back from me. He huffed indignantly and walked out of the room. Taking advantage of my solitude I used my claw like nails to cut the rope around my wrists. I ran up to the door to see if I could hear anything. Silence. So I went back to the tray and picked up a knife and scalpel, ruffling through the papers that were on the table beside all of the torture utensils. They were just blank pages though, most likely to record anything of importance my character might have said.

My character went back to the door, still not hearing anything from the other side. She opened the door a bit to peer outside. She saw a guard, sleeping against the wall not far from her, down the other side of the hall I saw a few of my companions taking out other mole people, one of them being the mole that was in my room earlier.

Taking the opportunity while it presented itself I killed the sleeping guard, stabbing him in the neck with the knife I had taken from the table.

And that’s where the game ended. Everyone else’s character’s had their own encounters in there own rooms, but that’s player knowledge verses character knowledge. So since my character doesn’t know what was going on I’m not going to write about it.

Uke ended up buying pizza, so for once I didn’t have to buy food for everyone. It was really nice. They even got a BBQ chicken pizza for me.

While we were waiting for the pizza to be delivered we took a break. Everyone started talking about the new Star Wars game coming out. Battle something or other… Totally not interested in it. And it was a pretty loud conversation, so I went back to the room to get some alone time.

While I was there Zane came in to check on me. There was a lot of touching, with the promise of more later. I wanted the contact so much. I wanted the connection and the closeness. It isn’t even about the sex anymore so much as just feeling like he’s still there.

But nothing actually happened. He had said that I had to sleep in the room that night. But at the end of the game he brought my pillows and sheet out to the living room. I said that I thought we were supposed to sleep together, but he replied with that I had said I wanted to sleep in the living room earlier.

I didn’t have it in me to feel anything anymore that night. I just went to sleep. And that was Sunday.

Nothing but miscommunication and hurt feelings.

Monday

Zane and I were supposed to wake up to have breakfast together. Zane ended up waking up a bit late and there wasn’t time to eat. He kissed me goodbye and left. I went back to sleep for a bit, but eventually got up for some reason.

I eventually did laundry even though I didn’t want to do anything. I took the paper for the roommate addition form to the office, too.

I never made it to the store to buy lunches for my week. I didn’t feel up to going to the store though. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to bike to school with how heavy and tired I felt. Emotional tiredness, depression, rather than actual body soreness.

I didn’t want to do anything. But I did. Go me.

I spent a few hours sitting on the couch letting my mind try to work out what I was feeling. Why I hurt as much as I did when nothing had happened that day.

One of the comments that was bothering me was Zane saying that he needed to get socks for work. It wasn’t a request though. It was a statement. That made me angry because it’s not his money and I just bought him pens, and I keep paying for us to go out to places. It’s not something he’s entitled to, and if I’m honest the only reason it’s even bothering me is because I’m angry and hurt. If things were ok between us I wouldn’t care. But things aren’t ok, so I do care, and that was part of my morning being icky.

More expectations from me, when I feel unfulfilled and used. Well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I’m going to sit here and dig my heels in and not be compliant. Because that’s the adult thing to do…

I did bike to school. There has been a nice breeze the past few days. I ended up working alone yesterday because David was sick. I was super unprepared for work because I left my laptop at home, trying to reduce the weight in my backpack. Only… I can’t access any of the servers I need to without my laptop, so I couldn’t take attendance. >.<;

Clavan was there, so he was able to take role for me. He wanted to make sure I was feeling better and that I had gotten his email. He said that he knew that I would never willingly speak up for myself, and that I would try to soldier on even if a situation wasn’t working well for me. Like working six days a week for over a year.

He said that even if I’m only working a half shift on some of those days that it still is draining, and he knows that. How it feels like I live at the school. I admitted to not getting the recharge that I need and that was part of the factor to taking the week off.

I need to get him a card to say thank you. I feel like I should apologize for being a less than stellar employee for the past few months. Nothing that has happened has been Clavan’s fault, and I shouldn’t be taking it out on my job. I really need to figure out a few goals for my career since currently I don’t have any. I’ve dropped literally everything in this area of my life and I can feel that directionless within myself.

Anywho, lab was fine. I stitched for the whole time. There were a few questions, but for the most part it was quiet. I listened to music and tried to feel better. I biked back home, ate, and showered. I started stitching again as the bad feelings grew.

Zane came home early due to a management meeting.

We ended up having a super, massive, almost break up fight. I tried to leave the apartment because I wanted to get away from all of it, and he said if I walked out I would be walking away from the relationship. Which I guess I would have been. I would have been saying it wasn’t worth trying to figure it out.

We’re still together. We slept next to each other last night for the first time in a while. I don’t remember when the last time was. We watched a few episodes of Arrow together, cuddling. The closeness helped.

I’m still sort of raw from it.

One of John’s cats ended up peeing on our comforter while everyone was at work. So we had to stay up for the laundry. I was supposed to stay awake with Zane, but wasn’t able to. I ended up falling asleep because I was so tired from the emotional conflict of the past few days. I’m not sure how much sleep he got, but I don’t think it was much. He said he stayed up after the laundry was done to finish watching a few shows, which that’s totally on him.

I kept waking up last night. Around 5am I went back out to the living room so I wouldn’t be annoying with my constant tossing and turning. I didn’t fall back asleep and was awake when Zane came out of the room.

We didn’t do breakfast. He left for work.

I think things are still ok. I know having a hug would make me feel better. More reassured. I know I’m going to feel like this for a little bit. Tentative, unsure, hesitant.

Halfway Through Tuesday

After Zane left I went back to sleep in the bed. I didn’t sleep that much longer. I woke up, cleaned the kitchen, and checked my email. I didn’t have coffee creamer so I tried to use milk and honey. It didn’t work. So we’re going to have to go to the store tonight. I’m not going to go without coffee, and having food and water at school would be fantastic.

I showered and packed everything up, including my laptop, then went to school. And that’s where I currently am.

I emailed my Faculty Adviser and requested a two month Leave of Absence from my classes. It’s basically like pushing the pause button on my classes. I’m still a student, I’m just on hiatus.

I think that would be a good thing. Instead of letting my grades suffer while I try to get everything back into order in the other areas of my life. I need to figure out myself, and my career. School is supposed to be a hobby on the side of everything, not an added stress, which right now it is. I’m not enjoying it, and I’m slacking off on my assignments again because I don’t feel like they’re worth it. They’re not contributing to anything in my life other than my unhappiness.

I need to soul search, and I’m hoping this LOA will give me the time and space I need to do it.

So that’s been my day so far.

I feel like I’ve been chewed up and spit back out by the ocean. But I’m pushing myself back up.

Get knocked down seven times, get back up eight.

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